time — Blog — The Hopeful Warrior - My Journey with Hodgkin Lymphoma

“With endless time, nothing is special. With no loss or sacrifice, we can’t appreciate what we have.

”

— Mitch Albom

The realization hit me harder than I expected…

There are less than 3 months left in this decade.

IN. THIS. DECADE.

My shoulders suddenly started to feel a little heavier once the weight of the burden began to sink in. How am I going to spend these last few months of the year?

Time has taken on a new urgency in my life since I’ve been in remission. Why is it that we never seem to know until it’s too late just our limited our moments are? Why do we take our time here on earth and the precious time we have with our loved ones for granted most days? Why do we often fail to do anything positive, productive, beautiful, creative, healthy and passionate with each minute of the day?

My cancer diagnosis has altered my perception of time. I found a minute can seem like an eternity when you’re hooked up to an IV during treatment. I’ve seen advanced cancer spread and be destroyed in a matter of months. I know everything can change in an instant. So my time is something I can no longer afford to waste on unimportant things—things that do not spark joy in myself or others.

This October marks two years since my cancer journey first began. In October 2017 is when I first noticed the lump on my neck that turned out to be Stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. These past two years have been a blur of doctor’s appointments, tests, waiting, uncertainty, loss, growth and every emotion in between.

Why is it the more we try to manage and plan our time, the quicker it seems to slip through our fingers? What I do know is that each tick of the clock and day that passes brings me closer to another visit or another scan that could possibly turn our lives upside down again.

So where do we go from here? How do I keep moving forward, when everything around me seems to remind me of where I’ve been? How do I make the most of the time I’ve been given?

It kind of feels like our lives are made up of a countless number of weeks, doesn’t it? Unless we are under extreme circumstances, we never really stop to face our own mortality. However, when we actually do stop to do the math our fleeting, momentary existence here becomes shockingly clear:

Life is a matter of moments, not milestones.

Did you realize if you live to be 90, that means you only get 4680 weeks on this earth? If we live to be 70 years old, we get roughly 613,200 hours to live. (That’s 365 days, times 70 years, times 24 hours.) This is the time we have to enjoy, to love, to lose, to learn and to cry. Our search for meaning, fulfillment and purpose must fit into this average amount of hours.

We know that our children grow up in the blink of an eye. But did you realize that outside of only 18 summers you have with your child, between the day your child is born, and the time he or she turns 18, you get just 940 Saturdays — and 260 of them, are gone by their fifth birthday?

The hard truth is we spend a lot of our time doing other things. Things we have little choice in, as our clocks tick down to their final moments without us realizing—we often don’t know how little time we have left until it’s too late.

As a cancer survivor, it feels selfish not to try to make the most of every moment I’m blessed with. Unfortunately, the first year of my remission was one of my toughest to date. I finished treatment on August 9th, 2018 and enjoyed one full month outside hospital walls before my family once again found ourselves in the middle of another health emergency.

I had high hopes and some lofty plans when I finished my treatment last August. Last October I decided one way I was going to reclaim my health after treatment was to change my daily routine thanks to Mel Robbin’s work with the 5-second rule and Rachel Hollis’ book Girl, Wash Your Face.

I decided to take part in Rachel Hollis’ #last90days challenge. The goal of the challenge is to end the year with the same intensity, drive and focus that we usually plan to start the year with in January. This is based on the principle that it takes 21 days to create a habit, and 90 days to change your life.

The last 90-day challenge begins on October 1st and goes on until December 31st. The #Last90DaysChallenge encourages us to make the last 90 days the most successful days of our year. Each day you follow a 5 to Thrive plan; each week tune in to the weekly podcast and keep yourself accountable.

It started off great. I was waking up an hour earlier than I normally did. Starting the day by writing 10 things I was grateful for and setting my daily intention. I was moving my body, staying hydrated and away from foods that did not benefit my health.

But as usual, life had other plans…

When my oldest daughter became seriously ill last year, my priorities shifted from reclaiming my health to ensuring my daughter made a full recovery. It’s hard to wake up an extra hour early when you spend those extra hours laying awake at night full of dread and worry. When times get hard, it’s easy to forget what you are grateful for and to be thankful for what is still going right in your life even when everything appears to be falling apart. Suddenly the things that occupied your time get moved to the back-burner. Your health is no longer your priority. Your focus becomes survival at all costs.

However, I’ve found where ever you are in your health journey, little changes made consistently over time can bring lasting results for good. While I may not be pushing myself to adhere to the Five to Thrive program and #last90days challenge this year, the habits I formed doing the challenges last year are helping me to make the changes I need to hopefully achieve long-term remission. I do know what each step that I take towards personal growth, is one more action I am taking to hopefully ensure I remain cancer-free.

So in honor of #thelast90days this year, here are seven tips that are helping me appreciate and make the most of my time:

1. What is your time worth to you? If my journey with cancer has taught me anything it’s that our time here is way more limited than we realize. I believe there are two important questions when it comes to how we view life and death: If you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you do today? And, if you knew you had 20 years more to live, what would you do today instead?

2. What is the legacy you want to leave behind? If you knew your time was up tomorrow, would you waste your final moments in worry about what will come, lost in regret wishing you had lived differently? Would you recognize that each day is a gift and in every 24 hours lies the possibility of joy, contentment and connection with your loved ones? Would you consider that in every moment there is a choice to see the good or the bad in any situation?

3. Is this how you want to spend your minutes? What is the value of your time? To make the most out of my days, I have started focusing on the things that deeply matter to me. The question I am now asking myself is, “Is this how I really want to spend my time?”. This helps me prioritize what’s important and what’s not. What is worth concerning myself with and where I need to let go and refocus my attention.

4. Change your story. Change your situation. When I’m feeling anxious or upset about something I like to zoom out and picture the situation from a different perspective. I try to remind myself that I am 1 of 7 billion people on this planet. BILLION. Everything I experience is affected by only 2 factors: 1) my biology. 2) the stories I tell myself (my inner narrative). I like to ask myself, “What am I telling myself that is making me feel this way?” After I acknowledge the story I am telling myself, I then ask, “What can I tell myself to better serve me?”

5. Priority management vs. time management. I’ve come to learn in my first year of remission, that steady progress, healing and even radical remission are rooted in grace and gratitude. Making the most of the time we are given is a full-time job. After pushing through the unthinkable these last two years, I finally realized that I really don’t have to do anything. I was already doing most of the correct things in regards to my health and nutrition. Now as much as I don’t want to admit it, I must simply be. If my body is in a constant state of survival, it has no to rest, recover and heal. I must be patient and let my body heal on its own terms. Just as you cannot force a tomato to ripen faster, I must provide my body with the right conditions and environment so that it can start to heal itself.

6. I don’t have to do anything but I get to do THIS! Realizing that others aren’t as fortunate as I am to be where I’m at today regarding my health helps me stay grounded in the present moment. Whether it’s the fact that I’m in remission or that I have both my arms, hands legs and feet. I can see, hear, smell and taste. Other’s aren’t as lucky. It’s important to focus on what’s going right, instead of worrying or trying to predict what could go wrong. To help me stay in a positive mindset, I try to spend at least 5-10 minutes every morning in silence, then I write or reflect on 10 things I am grateful for that very day. This helps give me much needed perspective on the size of my problem or current situation. When I don’t feel like moving my body or working out, I remember the days when I was too sick or too weak to get out of bed. I remind myself that to be active and to be able to work out is a privilege not everyone, even myself at times, is able to enjoy. I must take advantage of this opportunity while I still can.

7. Learning to say “Yes and…” see what happens. Perfectionism often fuels depression and anxiety. Learning to let go and go with the flow has made a huge difference in my life and my relationships. If I’m not careful, I can easily wall myself off by saying no to new experiences. I can quickly come up with a ton of reasons why to do or not do something, but I’m starting to learn that if I can just relax and let things unfold naturally things still work out okay---and I save myself a whole lot of energy in the process. Energy that is usually better spent in other ways rather than worrying about all the things that could possibly go wrong. To put this into practice, I’ve started replacing the “what ifs” with “why not” scenarios when I feel my anxiety start to bubble up and cloud my ability to act.

Time management is an oxymoron. Time is beyond our control, and the clock keeps ticking regardless of how we lead our lives. Priority management is the answer to maximizing the time we have.”
– John C. Maxwell

We often forget that our beginning and end are the same. What we do in between is what makes all the difference. Remember, it's never too late to be who you might have been. We can always be a little kinder, a little healthier and less selfish.

Cancer gave me the wake-up call I needed to make significant changes in my priorities, diet and lifestyle. Where ever you are on your journey, taking the time to set goals to refocus on your health and make yourself accountable is always time well spent. But if this is the year you need to give yourself some grace and a pat on your back for all that you’ve overcome, take the time to rest and enjoy yourself and time with your loved ones. Because as they say, the time you enjoy wasting, is never wasted time.

How will you be spending these last 90 days of the year?

Resources:

How the 5-Second Rule Can Transform Your Life- Mel Robbins

Girl, Wash Your Face- Rachel Hollis

#Last90days 5 to Thrive Challenge

As a wife and mom of three, I can definitely say there is truth in the saying, “the days are long but the years are short.” The years seem to be flying by at an incredible speed, yet sometimes it feels like the days are crawling by at a snail’s pace. Sure, it feels like I blinked and my babies are now 4 and my oldest, now 11, is heading to middle school in the fall.

Admittedly, this is a year I hoped would fly by. Since I was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2017, I wished so bad I had that nifty remote from the movie Click with Adam Sandler where I could fast-forward through all of the pain and uncertainty of this year.

But as much as I would have loved to run and hide from it, I knew in my heart I had to face it head-on. There was no mistaking, this was going to be incredibly difficult on all of us, but the only way to beat it was to go through it—together.

Now, instead of counting down the days until our next family trip, we’re counting down the days until my last chemotherapy treatment. Now, every other Thursday, I’m counting down the minutes as my chemotherapy slowly infuses into my veins. Instead of focusing on my summer tan, I’m trying to regrow my hair. It’s a new twist and I’m trying my best to accept my current state—bald and all.

This is our life now.

These are the days in the trenches. It’s week after week of doctor appointments, labs, tests and trips to the ER. It’s been nearly 8 months since my initial diagnosis, and I’ve come to realize chemotherapy isn’t like it’s shown on TV and the movies. It’s a slow process filled with a lot of ups and downs.

But I’ve been surprised to find that I have been feeling better during the course of my treatment. Sure, I still have good days and bad days, but there is a predictable pattern to my symptoms, and with just three treatments to go, the end is in sight and the light at the end is getting brighter by the day.

All of this had me thinking about the nature of time, and how it often feels so relative to our surroundings. For instance, we all have had those times where it seemed time seems to warp around whatever we are experiencing, both good and bad.

Like the feeling of time standing still when we are with our partner, or how hours can fly by in mere moments when you’re talking to a dear friend or someone you love. Then there are the times, when the hours seem to drag: when you’re waiting for your last class or work to end, standing or sitting anywhere and waiting for longer than 15 minutes.

But that is the paradox of time. We boldly treat it as a commodity we have plenty of. If we aren’t always mindful of how or where we spend our time; we tend to waste it.

I know I sure was guilty of it and still probably am.

Like most women, I would often tell myself, I will be happy when “X” happens. I would often tell myself I’d finally be happy and able to relax when I lost the 10 pounds, got the job or when my kids are more independent.

It wasn’t until I discovered my time was in jeopardy of running out, that I began to truly appreciate what a gift each day is. Because cancer insists on its own time.

To me, cancer is analog in a digital world. Each phase of the disease — diagnosis, surgery, chemotherapy and other treatment — carries its own distinct sense of stepping outside traditional time, and its own sense of separation from the world around you.

However, one of the blessings of cancer, is that it cements you to the present moment. All I have is NOW. I can no longer get to hung up in future events or beat myself up over past transgressions. In many ways, the certainty in which I use to naively eye the future is gone.

When you’re diagnosed with a serious illness like cancer, it makes sense to wonder how many birthdays, holidays and events you will be able to witness. Because when your days start to feel numbered, it’s only natural to start counting them.

But I’ve learned that when we become too preoccupied with counting our days, we forget to fill each one with things that matter. Sure, now that I’m in remission, we have new milestones and anniversaries to celebrate. I hope I am fortunate to count my remission by the number of years that have passed. But for now, I am thankful for today and I’m focused on making the most it because the way I see it:

Now is the time.

Now is the time for more hugs and fewer words left unsaid. For more belly laughs and less tears. For extra late-night cuddles and butterfly kisses. For letting the dishes and the laundry wait while we make more family memories.

I’ve come to realize and appreciate that there is a reason God numbers our days.
It’s to make them precious. NOW is the time to appreciate all we have because NOW is all we truly ever have. And the only thing more precious than our time is who we spend it on.