Life After Cancer: Finding Meaning & Purpose

Photo by Patrick Fore

Now what?

Now that my scars have healed and my hair has grown back, what’s next?

Fighting cancer challenges your body, mind and spirit.

When treatment ends, we often find ourselves picking up the pieces of our lives we put on hold or were too exhausted to manage on top of staying alive.

Adjusting to life post-treatment can be just as challenging for our battle-weary bodies and minds.

One of the hardest parts about remission is learning how to bridge the great divide from patient to survivor.

After my treatment ended, all the emotions and fears I had been suppressing to get to remission seemed to boil over when there was finally space to process everything my body endured.

I wondered, how will I ever trust my body again?

I struggled to remain positive with all the ongoing uncertainty.

Soon the anger, depression, frustration and fear became so loud it was impossible to ignore.

I had to dig deeper into these shadowy aspects of myself and get to the root of these feelings to truly heal.

Now that the cancer left my body, it was time to focus on healing the invisible wounds the cancer left behind.

Therapy was incredibly helpful, but I was still struggling to find a constructive outlet.

I was feeling stuck.

I read several books that provided incredible insights, but something was still missing.

It wasn’t until I joined a support community and started journaling that something finally clicked.

Putting pen to paper helped me make sense of all the chatter in my mind.

Connecting with others in the community on a similar journey helped me identify my limiting beliefs and learn more about the trauma that has kept me stuck.

Instead of fearing what may come next, I’m learning to take back control by doing what I can to stay healthy and surrendering to the fact that the rest is simply in God’s hands.

It’s still a daily struggle, but I refuse to let my future be dictated by the fear of relapse or a new disease.  

Although we aren’t always able to control what happens to us, we can change the way we THINK about the negative events that happened to us.

And that is how we connect with our POWER and our PURPOSE.

I may not always view cancer as a gift, but it certainly has been a catalyst in my life, pushing me to make many necessary changes, from my health and fitness to my finances.  

Cancer will always be part of my story, but I refuse to let it be the whole story.

I get to decide how the rest plays out from here.

And as terrifying as that can be to embrace fully being alive, I’m so thankful I’m still here to watch how the rest of my story unfolds.

Treatment Update

I recently saw my oncologist for a six-month check-up.

It was the longest I went in-between visits since being diagnosed.

Now that I’m over three years in remission, I don’t need to be seen as often.

I still get nervous before every visit, but thankfully my exam and all my counts checked out, so there are no concerns at this time.

I also learned the results for the clinical trial I participated in at Northwestern were recently published. To date, I and all the other patients in the clinical trial continue to show no evidence of disease.

As difficult as treatment was, knowing that I was able to help advance cancer care by taking part in a clinical trial has helped me find purpose and meaning within the pain.

My oncologist continues to reassure me now that I have passed over two years in remission, my risk for relapse is about the same as the general population.

However, due to the risk of secondary cancers, cancer survivors under 40 are urged to get yearly skin cancer screenings because of radiation exposure during treatment and scans.

I had been putting off visiting the dermatologist, but I had a couple of moles that appeared to be changing after treatment, so I decided it was best to get a consult. Fortunately, the dermatologist had no concerns either at this time, so I am feeling very relieved.

Thank you for your ongoing support. As hard as it can be navigating the uncertainty that comes with cancer treatment and remission, I’m so grateful I don’t have to travel this journey alone.

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Join the Hope Warrior Community

Please check out the following resources if you’ve also been feeling stuck, disconnected, or would like some additional encouragement. I’ve found this program and support community incredibly helpful throughout my journey.  

Hope Warrior Academy

A 5-week virtual program, helping you focus on one key area and get to the root of why you’re stuck.   

Learn More

Support Community: Encouragement During Uncertain Times

This is a community of hope warriors who love reminding you of your worth and power to make positive change. In uncertainty, words of encouragement can make all the difference! This page is free to join and strictly for sharing hope, encouragement, and positivity.

Join Group

Worrier and Warrior: Between Grief and Gratitude

Photo credit: Antonio Jeneski

Some days I'm more of a worrier than a warrior.

Some days, hard as I try, I can't shake the heavy feeling of dread running through my body.

Most days, I find myself walking a thin line between grief and gratitude.

Don't get me wrong. I'm so incredibly thankful to still be here.

I do my best to praise God every day for the breath that fills my lungs. But no matter how much gratitude fills my heart, there is still a giant piece of me grieving how life used to be.

I'm grateful to be a cancer survivor, and in a few months, I am hoping to celebrate three years in remission.

And the longer I'm in remission, the more distant my treatment becomes.  

I remember right after I was diagnosed, a recent breast cancer survivor told me, "one day you will wake up, and cancer won't be the first thing on your mind."

That thought stuck with me through treatment and into remission. I continue to keep this in mind as a quiet gauge of my progress and recovery.

When you face a traumatic event like cancer, I've learned you often can't fully process or grasp what happened until long after the event has ended. I personally didn't start fully processing my cancer journey until my first year in remission.

After nearly a year of immunotherapy and cancer treatment, once my body was out of survival mode, it was time to heal. But how and where to begin?

I soon discovered the trauma of fighting cancer lasts long after treatment ends.

Still, three years after finishing treatment, the smell of rubbing alcohol is sometimes all it takes to put my body back in fight or flight mode. Any unusual aches or symptoms, and my mind immediately starts to panic.

 Is the cancer back? Is this a possible side effect from treatment?

Emotionally, I have been struggling with increased anxiety, anger and PTSD. Weekly therapy sessions have been helping me learn new strategies and techniques for coping with such intense emotions.

Online cancer support groups have been a tremendous resource, helping me connect with other fighters and survivors who genuinely understand my ongoing fears and concerns.

Thankfully, since having my port removed in August, my treatment has started to feel more and more like a distant memory. 

Some days, cancer is the furthest thing from my mind. 

Other days, when I'm jolted awake by a painful leg spasm, I'm reminded just how much my body has endured and that my journey is far from over. 

Since my treatment ended, I've been struggling with a variety of cardiovascular and neurological issues. Cancer drugs cause various long-term health effects, from brain and vision changes, heart and lung damage, to increased risk of secondary cancers and fertility issues. 

I've been struggling with neuromuscular and mobility issues the most. Getting diagnosed with dysautonomia and POTs helped explain some of my more concerning cardiac symptoms after treatment, but painful neuropathy in my arms and hands and chronic leg spasms have been debilitating at times. 

Physical therapy, medications, and supplements have helped provide a little relief, but I've come to accept some of these issues may be permanent, lasting effects of my treatment. 

At the end of 2020, my neurologist was concerned that my newly diagnosed dystonia and persistent neuromuscular and mobility issues could be a sign of early-onset Parkinson's disease. In December, I had a DAT scan of my brain that thankfully did not show evidence of Parkinson's. 

My first Botox treatment helped ease my chronic headaches and loss of mobility in my neck. However, the persistent issues I've been having with my legs require additional testing. Lower limb spasms are a common sign of Parkinson's but also common after cancer treatment.  

I have an EMG, a nerve conduction test this week to determine what exactly may be causing my frequent leg spasms. My next big scan to ensure I'm still in remission is coming up at the end of March. 

As I continue to move forward further into remission and recovery, I am learning:

 God draws straight with crooked lines.

Although I may not be where I wanted or hoped to be by now, I'm not where I used to be, either.  

Courage often sprouts in the depths of sorrow, and from painful beginnings come stronger roots.

 Without the darkness, we wouldn't see the light,

 Without sadness, we wouldn't know happiness.

 Without pain, we wouldn't find relief.

 Worrier and warrior—I can be both and still be hopeful. 

If you are looking for some additional support during these trying times, I highly recommend checking out these communities and groups: 

Cancer Blogs & Support Communities

I Had Cancer

Stupid Cancer 

Cancer Patient/ Survivor Facebook Support Community 

Taking Back Your Life After Cancer

General Support & Encouragement Facebook Group 

Encouragement During Uncertain Times 

Check out the podcast I recently recorded with the Hope Warrior Project to learn more about my journey and how online support communities have helped me cope with cancer and more.

Melanie Mogensen is a writer, wife, and mother of three who knows all too well how life can change in an instant. In late 2017, Melanie was diagnosed with St...

Related Blogs:

Overcoming The Trauma of Having Cancer

Still Cancer Free*: Coping with Side Effects of Cancer Treatment

Getting Diagnosed with Dystonia

Unpacking Grief: The Ball & The Box Analogy

Healing is Not Linear

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

Check out my resources for more blogs about my cancer journey.

Hope Grows in the Dark

I long to be like a sunflower...

Eternally happy and cheery

Quietly growing

Always reaching toward the heavens

Faithfully finding the light

Even when darkness and shadows abound.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.

Work and managing three kids eLearning from home has taken most of my attention. I’ve had little time or energy to focus on much else.

To be honest, I’ve been struggling to find the words to describe the whirlwind of thoughts I have constantly swirling in my head. But when things start to feel overwhelming, it’s usually a sign I need to disengage from the world for a bit and focus on my self-care.

In the past, I would try to turn to writing and blogging to cope with my intense feelings, but after hours in front of my computer every day, the last thing I want to do lately is to stare at another screen and type.

So instead, I turned to something I haven’t done in years… I started drawing.

I never considered myself much of an artist.

I haven’t drawn anything in years.

I believed I could hardly draw anything other than stick figures and a few basic shapes.

 But one day, as I was coloring with my kids and feeling a bit down, something changed.

At first, I decided to try to draw a landscape. I started with some trees, and before I knew it, I could feel my body relaxing and a smile spreading across my face as I continued to add more and more details to my drawing.

We had recently lost one of our beloved family pets. I was feeling pretty devastated over the loss, so I decided to turn my landscape into a picture of a reunion of all our family dogs meeting in heaven.

What started off being a simple drawing ended up being an emotional trip down memory lane. I dug out pictures of my old family pets to ensure I got all the details right. Before I knew it, my heart went from feeling heavy and broken to feeling full of laughter and love as my children, and I reminisced over all of our old pets.    

Drawings of our family dogs reuniting in heaven.

It’s been a long time since I gave myself the freedom to create without being overly critical of the outcome. To me, there is no better feeling than being able to let my mind freely wander, and my pen create. Once I was able to let go of judgment and replaced it with an openness to go with the flow and see where my creativity took me, I was amazed at what I was able to create.

 That drawing was the start of many more.

My husband is an incredible artist, and he was kind enough to get me started with some drawing supplies. I have always loved nature, so I decided to hone my drawing skills by drawing some of my favorite still life objects: flowers and trees.

This week I practiced drawing a sunflower—one of my favorite flowers.

The persistence of the sunflower seed, pushing through the dark soil and blossoming into the eternally, cheery sunflower inspired me to write the following post. 

Hope is a force that can’t always be seen.

Just as seeds do not question
the blackness that surrounds them
Darkness leads to powerful transformations.

When I struggle to find the light
Sunflowers faithfully remind me
To stand tall and trust the process.

Hope blossoms every time
I dust myself off and
fearlessly choose to try again.

I’m slowly learning…

Growth doesn’t stop in the dark.

Healing isn’t linear.
I can’t go beyond
if I don’t step within first.

An essential part of healing
is holding space
beyond the pain.

Through the uncertainty,
In the uncomfortable silence;
After unfathomable waiting,

Miracles are born.

While I’m worrying
God is always working.
⠀
Preparing me.
Providing for me.
Proving anything is possible.

Apples, Onions & Coping with Uncertainty

Photo credit: @ericmogie

“Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.” - Carl Sandburg

Some problems are like apples, while others are more like onions.

Sometimes when you try to reach the core, all you find are more layers.

Cancer taught me not every problem has a core issue that can be clearly resolved.

Some issues are more like onions— seeping into our everyday life and changing the essence of everything they touch.

Have you ever tried to peel an onion completely to its core?

Once you start peeling layer by layer, you will find that the center of the onion is simply another layer waiting to unfold.

In many ways, 2020 has been like one giant onion.

Layer

upon layer of

Unprecedented.

Undeniable.

Unavoidable.

Uncertainty.

This year has been full of moments where I wanted to crawl out my skin from the itchy, uncomfortable feeling of constant overwhelm.

I’ve felt a mixture of anger, confusion, fear and downright insanity as the boundaries between working, schooling, parenting and society continue to blur and bend.

On top of chronic health challenges, I’ve been juggling work and homeschooling, plus my family was recently displaced out of our home for nearly four months due to extreme water damage. 

It’s so easy to get lost in this idea that we are only feeling one thing when, in reality, many layers are happening at once.

Life can’t always be boiled down to this or that.

Sometimes it’s this AND that.

You can be both.

Grateful AND grieving.

Exhilarated AND exhausted.

Determined AND disappointed.

Hopeful AND heartbroken.

As we peel back and work through each layer of ambiguity and move towards understanding what this “new normal” means heading into 2021, we may be met with tears and untold resistance.

Yet each layer serves a purpose and strengthens the whole.

Onions remind us of the importance of staying firmly rooted when those around us try to cut us apart. They are proof that even the tiniest pieces can make a huge difference.

Maybe apples and onions are God’s way of reminding us you can’t have bitter without a little sweet, and some things can’t be truly understood until they pass through all of our senses.

Ultimately, it seems the only way to truly know the difference between an apple or an onion is to taste it for yourself.

Learning to Let Go and Go with the Flow

“Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it.” - Lao Tzu

The only difference between a few drops of water and a flood is persistence.

So far, 2020 has flooded our minds and our hearts with great uncertainty.

Unpredictability is now the only guarantee moving forward.

No one knows what will happen next.

The hits are relentless.

They seem to keep coming from every angle.

“What else?” and “What next?” are my daily mantras.

I am growing tired of juggling so many responsibilities.

Global shutdowns. Trying to balance working from home and eLearning. Planet-threatening asteroids. Murder hornets. Top it all off with a possible brain tumor to start the summer and this year has left us wondering how much more we can take.

Now, on top of the global pandemic, my family of five (plus our dog) is dealing with severe water damage to our home.

Our kitchen had to be nearly gutted for the repairs.

The water damage to our home was so extensive that we had to temporarily move into a hotel this week while the restoration process happens.

Unfortunately, this living situation may last for the remainder of the summer because it could take over a month for the repairs.

This news was another punch to the gut in an already difficult year.

But as painful and uncomfortable as this is, we’re trying hard to focus on the silver lining.

We are incredibly thankful our insurance will be able to cover most of the cost of the repairs.

Kitchen before

The water caused extensive damage to our subfloor so most of the cabinets and flooring near the sink had to be removed.

We had to remove our range, sink and dishwasher to complete the dry out and repairs.

We are doing our best to turn this gigantic nightmare into one great family adventure.

Since this news came the week leading up to our planned family getaway in Michigan, we are choosing to view this all as an extended vacation.

One of the biggest positives of this whole ordeal is that we were able to get long-term accommodations at a nearby hotel with a great indoor pool, just 15 minutes from our house.

Because if this year has taught us anything, it’s the need to be flexible above all else.

When things start to get overwhelming, I remind myself to try to be like water.

Water is powerful and persistent.

One of the most sacred aspects of all creation, nothing can resist the steady flow of water.

It flows, flushes and floods, going wherever it wants.

Water cannot be held—only contained.

Formless and shapeless, it conforms to any container you put it in.

Water does not resist—it simply flows through any obstacle.

Water reminds us that once we stop resisting the currents of change, we begin to float.

As challenging as this situation is for my family, we are focusing on making the most of our time together.

We keep counting our blessings and reminding ourselves it could always be worse.

Letting go of the need to control the outcome is never easy, especially in times of high stress.

But I’ve learned stepping into the flow of life starts when we can focus on the good that surrounds us.

When we surrender to what is instead of trying to control what will be, we begin to rise above our current challenges.

 No matter the size of the obstacles in our path, faith, like the mighty force of water, will carry us through this great river of uncertainty.

After all, even during dark times, there is always a bright side, if you know where to look.

Port Side & Leaving My Comfort Zone

My chest port has made treatment, hospital stays, and blood draws easier—but it is also a constant reminder of cancer.

My chest port has been a lifesaver in more ways than one.

It has made treatment, hospital stays, and blood draws easier—but it is also a constant reminder of cancer.

The bump just beneath my collar bone is often strategically covered by my shirt, swimsuit or dress so you can hardly notice it.

But I know it’s there, and so do my kids.

As much as my port has helped me, it still reminds my kids of cancer.

My port makes them cautious to hug me and reminds them of those scary times when mom was too ill to be with them.

I try to put on a brave face and show my kids that cancer—like any challenge—can be an opportunity for growth.

I made a point to not let having a chest port interrupt my ability to have fun or be active.

 Since getting my port, I’ve played volleyball, gone swimming in pools and lakes, and even went on a Slip-N-Slide.

But now that I’m nearing two years since my last treatment, it’s time to get my chest port removed.

It’s a big milestone and a big step forward in my remission.

Before I began treatment in 2017, other cancer fighters urged me to get a chest port to help make my chemotherapy infusions easier on my veins.

It was not an easy decision because it required surgery to place the port-a-catheter in my chest and requires another surgical procedure to remove.

I have a difficult time with medical procedures and tend to pass out giving blood, so I was extremely worried about how I would be able to tolerate the procedure and months of treatment.

I’ll never forget how just reading about the Power Port I was going to have implanted in my chest caused me to pass out.

My body felt so fragile.

I wondered how much more I could take.

I doubted my strength.

I was so scared.

But my chest port ended up being one of the best decisions I made.

I put a numbing cream on before my port gets accessed, so I hardly feel it.

I found my chest port so helpful during treatment that I still have it in over two years into remission.

While my port was once a sign of illness and cancer, it has slowly grown into a vivid reminder of my power to overcome any challenge.

It’s taken me most of my life to become comfortable in my skin.

It took getting cancer for me to realize my strength and see beauty where I once only saw scars.

Since having my three kids and battling cancer, my waistline and appearance have changed so much—at times, I hardly recognize the new me.

It has been a journey learning to love my curves and see my scars as beautiful.
Cancer has helped me see my body in a whole new light.
Pain has an uncanny way of pointing your attention to what truly matters.

Cancer pushed me out of my deeply rooted comfort zone and helped me learn to accept the unknown and be at peace with great uncertainty.

Watching my body rapidly change and become scattered with scars and losing my hair during treatment was the start of my self-acceptance and greater self-love.

After all, feeling beautiful has nothing to do with what you look like.

True beauty radiates from within.

My port may be a sign I had cancer, but in the end, it’s a reminder cancer never really had me.

Learn More

What Is an Implantable Port?

What is a Chemo Port and Why You Will Want One

Mind Matters: Caught Between Fighting and Surviving

Photo of me after my brain EEG. June and July have been full of tests, scans and doctor visits trying to determine what exactly is going on in my brain.

There is a thin line between fighting and surviving. 

Two years ago, I was fortunate to cross that line and enter remission. 

Remission left me floating in a sea of gratitude and awe at the impossible odds I had overcome, yet I was left with an unsettling feeling as I wondered what was next. 

Once cancer enters your life, either as a patient or caregiver, it seems to become part of you. 

No matter how many years have passed since your diagnosis, the worry and dread are hard to shake. 

Cancer has you constantly looking over your shoulder and second-guessing any symptom. 

Cancer gives time a new meaning and puts a new urgency to make the most of the moments you have left. 

As a survivor, I’m often caught between wanting to proudly share my story and wanting to forget cancer was ever a part of my life. 

 I often question whether I’m doing the right thing.

But each time I start to doubt my purpose, life has a way of reminding me how far I’ve come.  

Every time I start to wonder if I should continue to share my story, God has a funny way of showing me what a difference my experiences can make in someone else’s life.     

I believe situations happen, and people are put in our path for a reason. 

There are no coincidences. 

After a challenging first year in remission, I made it my goal for 2020 to build out my blog and focus on sharing my story across different websites and platforms to help support other cancer fighters.

I’m passionate about sharing my cancer journey and incredible success with immunotherapy because I believe my experience can help advance treatment for others.

Throughout my journey, I’ve found that the right information and the right time can make all the difference when it comes to cancer treatment. 

I had big plans to celebrate being cancer-free for two years. 

As one of this year’s Faces of Cancer at Northwestern’s annual Cancer Survivors’ Celebration in June, I hoped to celebrate my remission by giving back to other cancer fighters at Lurie Cancer Center through my Hopeful Warrior Project.

But life had other plans. 

My summer started with a bang with the news my concussion brought to light: a CT and MRI scan showed what appeared to be a benign tumor in my brain. 

After months of planning and anticipation at launching my Hopeful Warrior Project, the news of a brain tumor couldn’t have come at a worse time. Everything I was working towards was put on hold as I tried to come to terms with having a brain tumor.  

Thankfully, I was able to get a more detailed follow-up scan, which showed there was actually no definitive tumor. Still, some visible changes in my brain require continued testing and monitoring. 

But after months of lockdown, followed by challenging health news at the start of June, I decided I needed to take a break from social media.

It all became too much.

I disconnected from my page and my blog for a little while to focus on my health and continue to process everything that happened in just a few short weeks.

From vision, hearing, and neurological assessments to weekly physical therapy, the rest of June and beginning of July was a flurry of tests, scans and doctor appointments trying to get more answers to what is going on inside my brain.

I restarted neuro rehab to improve my lingering concussion symptoms; however, over a month after my concussion, I am still dealing with chronic headaches, nausea, brain fog, and severe neck pain. This is not unusual as several doctors told me, concussion symptoms can linger for months after an incident. 

Two weeks ago, I consulted with a neurologist at Northwestern who ordered an EEG of my brain to check for seizure activity that could potentially be causing me to pass out when under stress. 

My doctors believe that these episodes which caused my recent concussion, while extremely concerning, are most likely a result of my dysautonomia and underlying vasovagal syncope—not an underlying heart or neurological issue. However, we will know more definitely once I have the results of my EEG. 

There is no cure for vasovagal syncope. The symptoms can only be managed through a combination of diet and lifestyle modifications. Sometimes medication or surgery are needed depending on the severity of symptoms.

I am hoping I will continue to see my symptoms improve over time. Neuro rehab, somatic bodywork, and physical therapy are helping to build my strength and enhance my overall mental functioning. 

Each week, I feel a little clearer and stronger. I’m hoping I will continue to see my symptoms lessen as my therapy continues. 

Life has certainly been a series of peaks and valleys lately, but I’m starting to find the middle ground. 

As I continue to navigate the bumpy road forward feeling caught somewhere between fighting and surviving— I just want to thank you.

…for being here

…for reading this

…for praying and supporting me through it all. 

To learn more about my story and the inspiration behind my Hopeful Warrior Project, check out the recent podcast I recorded with the Neurologic Wellness Institute. You can also listen on Spotify or watch my interview below on YouTube.

Hopeful Warrior Project Update 

As my health continues to improve, I am now able to move forward with my Hopeful Warrior Project. 

Thank you to all of you who have sponsored a warrior bag or expressed interest in a partnership opportunity. I’m working on assembling my warrior bag so that they are ready to be delivered to cancer fighters at Lurie Cancer Center next month. 

I officially finished treatment on August 9, 2018, so my goal is to deliver the bags at the beginning of August to celebrate the two-year anniversary of such an important treatment milestone. 

Thanks again for all your prayers and positive vibes this month. 

Your support means the world to me. 

Learn More

About Dysautonomia

Neurological Rehabilitation

A Complete Guide to Manage Dysautonomia: Symptoms, Diagnosis and Treatment

Vestibular Rehabilitation Can Improve Dizziness After A Concussion

Adversity and Answered Prayers

Sometimes it takes a significant hardship for healing to occur.

Sometimes it is only when we are deep in the struggle that we remember our real strength.

 The last few weeks have been full of adversity, obstacles, and challenges.

Health. Family. Work. Finances.

The waves of adversity have been flooding us from all sides lately.

Though adversity may bring enormous obstacles, it can also usher in unexpected answers to our prayers.

My journey has shown me that mishaps can lead to incredible miracles.

 No one wants to hear they have cancer or a brain tumor.

We just want validation what we are experiencing is real.

Deep down, we all want confirmation our feelings are valid.

In this way, a diagnosis can be weirdly validating.

Finally, you have an answer.

All the symptoms and years of suffering start to make sense.

While a diagnosis can be devastating and difficult to cope with, it’s comforting to know there is a valid reason for your pain.

A week ago, I was told my latest MRI showed some abnormalities in my brain that are suggestive of an MVNT tumor.

My doctors reassured me it was not cancerous and therefore does not require any surgery or treatment, just continued monitoring.

As shocking as the news of a brain tumor is, I felt strangely validated.

Now I had an explanation for all my ongoing neurological symptoms since finishing treatment nearly two years ago.

The last week has been a frenzy of doctor visits, scans, and testing, trying to determine exactly what is going on in my brain.

Within the last week, I have spent close to an hour inside an MRI scanner. 

As painful and uncomfortable as all the testing was, it was a necessary piece of the puzzle.

As much as I dreaded the thought of undergoing back to back brain scans, I was able to definitively know there is no actual tumor causing my symptoms. 

I was just starting to accept the reality of having a brain tumor, so I’m still trying to process the news that I don’t.

Where I once had a possible answer, I am now left with more questions.

But that’s the nature of healing.

Just when you think you are closer to resolving one issue, a new one appears.

As disheartening as this can be, it’s important to remain hopeful.

I am continually reminding myself where there is pain, there is purpose.

 Where there is uncertainty, eventually clarity will come—sometimes when we least expect it.

Where there is great adversity, God always ensures there are avenues for miracles too.

Gone, Never Forgotten

You never know the real impact of a person, place, or thing until it’s no longer a part of your life. 


Since I heard the news, I can’t help but think about the last time I heard your voice.


How long has it been?


It doesn’t seem fair that you’re gone. 


Why did God have to call you home so suddenly? 

Why didn’t we get a chance to say goodbye? 

I keep trying to envision your smiling face and the warmth of your embrace through these nonstop tears.

How many years have passed?


I can almost hear the sound of your booming laugh, as memories of you start to flood my mind.

Why did it have to end this way?


No matter how many years have passed, hearing you’re now gone, hurts the same.

It’s believed when someone you love dies, you gain an angel you know.


Although we will miss you dearly, heaven clearly needed you more. 

I can’t think of a better angel for God to have at his side.


My heart begs for answers.

Part of me will always wonder why and what could have been.


But I’m relieved you are no longer in pain.

Your body was getting so tired of fighting.

You held on as long as you could.


Although I didn’t get to tell you I loved you once more,

Although I didn’t get to hold your hand, hug you, or say one final goodbye—I’ll be carrying you with me.

I’ll always be holding you close in the back of my mind.

I’ll be keeping you in my heart until I can once again hold you in my arms. 

Although I never got the chance to tell you, your presence in my life was a gift and a blessing.


You taught me so much about compassion, generosity, service, and that the love of family knows no bounds.

I’m so thankful our paths crossed.

I’m so grateful for the moments we shared.

I’m a better person for knowing you.

It was an honor to love you and a privilege to be loved by you.


Our family is made stronger by your memory. 

Our lives are richer; our hearts made fuller, from loving you. 


Though you are gone, you will never be forgotten. 

Your memory echoes on in our thoughts, our words, and our hearts. 

After all, it’s impossible to forget someone who gave us so much to remember. 

In Loving Memory of Bianca Flank, our beloved Nana B.

Related posts: Unpacking Grief: The Ball & The Box Analogy

Knowledge Is Power: Be Your Own Health Advocate

“There is no wealth like knowledge, no poverty like ignorance.” Buddha

Knowledge is power, but information can be a double-edged sword.

After I was diagnosed with cancer, I was told not to dwell on the statistics.

I was told everyone responds differently, and endlessly researching every symptom and potential outcome will only increase my anxiety.

 I believe the same advice applies now too.

When you are dealing with life and death scenarios, information is critical.

Cancer taught me that the right information at the right time can make all the difference.

But can you ever really trust all the information that you read?

Can you ever really be sure you aren’t taking someone else’s opinion as fact?

No, I don’t believe you can.

That’s why you should always trust your gut.

Trusting my gut and constantly pushing for answers is a big reason I believe I am still here.

My cancer journey and numerous health challenges have taught me that we should always respect doctors, nurses, and health professionals, BUT you always have the right to disagree.

Never be afraid to get a second or third opinion.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with questioning a medical professional who offers health advice because it is simply just that—ADVICE. 

No two doctors are necessarily going to give the same advice to a patient.

It’s important to always keep an open mind regarding the information and facts as they are presented.

Health can be subjective.

There is not always one answer to every issue.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to health.

What works for one person won’t necessarily work for everyone. 

Medicine requires a lot of trials and errors to get it “right.”

To understand how the information applies to your life, you should always run the “facts” through your body’s other brain: your gut.

Your gut is the final test.

You know your body best.

Does something feel off?

Always trust your instincts.

If I didn’t trust my gut and push for a surgical biopsy as soon as I discovered the swollen lymph node in my neck, I don’t know where I’d be today.

If I didn’t thoroughly read my labs, scan results, and seek out independent consults, you might not be reading this right now. 

Always be your own health advocate.

Now, more than ever, you have all the information you need at your fingertips to empower your health decisions.

Take the time to understand how your immune system works.

Don’t be afraid to read and research your condition or symptoms in medical journals.

You should always be allowed to ask questions.

Any medical professional who encourages you NOT to ask questions, or who criticizes you and tries to discourage you from researching things for yourself, is not being professional.  

You shouldn’t feel rushed to decide about treatment, even when your health problem is severe.

Second opinions are critical:

• When the diagnosis is cancer

• When surgery is recommended

• When the diagnosis or treatment is unclear

• When the patient is your child

• When you want peace of mind

Always remember, your diagnosis is not always correct.

 Many studies show second opinions often result in a completely new diagnosis:

 A 2017 study of over 200 patients by Mayo Clinic found that 88% of patients looking for a second opinion, left with a new or refined diagnosis. 21% of the people left with a “distinctly different” diagnosis.

 Another controversial study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins Medicine in 2016 estimated that more than 250,000 Americans die each year from medical errors—making errors the third leading cause of death behind heart disease and cancer.

Be your own advocate. 

You’ll never regret getting a second opinion. 

Staying informed about your diagnosis and the possible treatment options helps ensure you will walk away with the best treatment plan possible.

Sources:

Yale Medicine

Mayo Clinic

Johns Hopkins University

Visit my Resources page for more blogs and other resources to help support you and your loved ones during your cancer treatment and beyond.

 Learn more about The Hopeful Warrior Project.

Scars Are Beautiful Reminders

Scars remind us what hurts us can also lead to what heals us.

It doesn’t take more than a glance in the mirror to let me know how much life has changed.

I’m slowly getting used to the face staring back at me.

No matter how much I try to resist the urge, most days my eyes can help but fixate on the jagged scars on my neck and collarbone.

These scars are a vivid reminder of how far I’ve come on my journey and how far I still have to go.

Scars are a reminder that trauma and transformation can coexist.  

As much as I want to conceal my scars, their presence reminds me imperfection is a natural part of life.

My scars tell an incredible story of survival.  

Each scar scattered across my body is a little signpost, reminding me that the pains of my past will always be with me— yet life goes on.

No matter what odds may be stacked against you, healing is possible.

Our scars remind us that there is more to life than simply surviving.

Our scars remind us there is another side to our pain.

Our scars remind us that our pain has the power to separate and unite us.

Our pain can lead us to discover our purpose and our people.

It’s a matter of how we view our scars.  

What will you discover about yourself when you learn to embrace pain rather than run away from it?

In a strange way, as I learn to embrace the painful events of my past, I’m becoming thankful for my scars.

This May I was blessed to celebrate being two years cancer-free from Stage 3 Hodgkins Lymphoma. 

Each year I am blessed to celebrate as a survivor, lets others know they can survive too.

To All The Moms on Mother's Day

“A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take.”

— Cardinal Meymillod

As I became a mom, my heart has grown and expanded just as much as my waistline.

 Each day, I watch in disbelief as I’m blessed to hold in my arm the bundles of possibilities I once grew in my belly.

From the moment I felt those first flickers of life, deep inside me something shifted.

 Suddenly life was no longer just about me.

As a mom of three, my appearance has changed just as much as my priorities.

The scars that now dot my body remind me of my sacred responsibility.

As women and mothers, we are vessels.

 Our bodies carry and birth future generations.

 Not only do we mold their bodies in our wombs,

 We shape our children’s minds and hearts through our words and actions.

Today is a time to pause and celebrate all mothers.  

The mothers by birth and those by choice.

No matter what name you go by, motherhood is a choice we make everyday.

Mothers choose to put someone else’s needs and happiness ahead of their own.

As mothers we regularly sacrifice our own well-being and sometimes even our bodies for the sake of another.

We are all being called to nurture and mother each other through these uncertain times.

Whether we carry our babies in our bodies or now in our hearts, we are mothers.

Mothers are the selfless women who inspire us daily to be better versions of ourselves.

To all the moms, step moms, soon-to-be-moms, and those without moms:

Who are doing the work of two all on their own.

Who have hard days but continue to love even harder.

Who are overwhelmed and exhausted but continue to push forward day after day.

 Who teach the hard lessons and love unconditionally,

Thank you for being the teachers, the trailblazers, the hope bringers and the love givers the world so desperately needs. 

Happy Mother’s Day!

The Power of Growing Slowly

365 days of hair growth in this picture. (May 8, 2019-May 8, 2020)

“Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still. ”

— Chinese Proverb

There is power in growing slowly.

Losing my hair to cancer two years ago taught me that moving on and returning to our old ways is not always possible— but moving forward is.

Watching my hair gradually grow back has taught me that growth is not always measurable, but whether we realize it or not…

Each day we are constantly changing.

But it’s how we measure our personal growth that makes all the difference.

Real growth is not always visible.

After my treatment ended, I so desperately wished I could snap my fingers and my life and appearance would return to my “normal” pre-cancer days but watching my slowly grow back has taught me a valuable lesson in patience and self-love.

Transformation takes time and when we focus too much on our end goals, we miss out on the process of growing.

We tend to overlook our tiny successes because we become frustrated, we haven’t achieved our end goal yet.

Life doesn’t always give us want we want; but when we look closely enough, we can see we are always being given opportunities to grow.

And our growth often occurs in darkness.

Just as a tiny seed struggles to reach the light; our challenges often push us out of our comfort zones and require us to adapt, grow or fall behind.

And this growth is hard.

Sometimes it feels like parts of us are dying.

Maybe those parts are dying.

But from the remains of what was, we can start to rebuild our lives.

This last year taught me that the in-between stages are some of the hardest parts of growth.

But when we are being stretched and challenged in a new way and pushed far out of our comfort zones—that’s when the most growth happens.

All of us must continuously grow and adapt throughout our lives.

Slowing down enough to enjoy the process of learning and growing helps us find joy in our individual journeys.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how you grow or how long it takes; all that matters is that you are growing.

May we continue to grow in faith and not fear.

May the love in our hearts and for one another continue to expand.

May we continue to move forward; despite all the obstacles in our path.

---

On May 1, 2020 I was blessed to be able to celebrate 2 years cancer-free!

Here is a look back at some of the highlights from the last two years of my journey:

Coping with Hair Loss

Coping with the hair loss and regrowth from my battle with Stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma never gets easier. But losing my hair has helped me appreciate all that I have and my capacity for regrowth.

“When is your hair gonna grow back mommy?”

I touch the ends of my growing bob and say,

“I think it’s getting pretty long, don’t you think?”

My daughter’s bright eyes start to dim as she shakes her head yes.

“But I like it the way it used to be…when it was longer,” she says. 

The truth is, my children see my hair as a sign of my health. 

The longer mom’s hair is, the healthier I am and the more my cancer treatment is becoming a distant memory. 

Although I’m now two years into my remission, dealing with the hair loss and coping with the awkward stages of hair regrowth never seems to get easier. 

My children have every right to miss the old mommy.

I still miss the old me. 

Sometimes I hardly recognize my own reflection.  

My hair is now shorter, darker. 

My body is covered with more scars. 

My hands sometimes struggle to grasp items or do simple tasks.

My mind constantly battles with the extreme fear of relapse and the hope of long-term remission.

Pain has become a familiar companion. 

But that pain has slowly led me to my purpose. 

The constant fear of not knowing what is next has made me all the more grateful for what I have in front of me and all around me right now. 

Sometimes the worst things that happen to us can set the stage for the best things that will ever happen to us. 

Sometimes the only way to truly understand something is to experience it for yourself. But with the right shift in perspective, I have found you can turn even the most difficult tests and circumstances into your biggest personal triumphs.

Learning to recognize the blessings in disguise that fill your life is an important part of healing. 

Cancer exposed all my weaknesses and my greatest fears, but it has also helped me discover my passions and live more purposefully too.    

Losing my hair allowed me to glimpse the parts of me I’ve tried so hard to ignore and keep hidden.

Losing my hair helped me realize who I am and who I hope to become.

Losing my hair helped me appreciate my own beauty despite my ever-changing appearance. 

Losing my hair gave me the confidence to bravely and authentically face the world.

Losing my hair helped me to be more comfortable in my own skin and get ready in record time. 

Losing my hair told me there is always a silver lining in a situation if you look hard enough. 

Losing my hair helped me realize, whether you are bald or blessed with beautiful flowing tresses—the length of our hair does not matter in the end.

Beauty can still be found when you’re feeling broken.

Growth is messy and recovery takes time. 

It’s often a mix of forward motion and then two steps backward. 

Yet, just as painstakingly slow as hair grows, progress is always being made whether we realize it or not. 

It’s usually only after we stop and look back that we realize just how far we’ve come. 

My journey with cancer and beyond has taught me that even the most negative moment can still lead to a positive outcome.   

 Looking at our losses as “blessings in disguise” allows us to see the underlying lessons when horrible and tragic events happen. When we view the awful things in our lives as teachers instead, we begin to see the situation in a new light.

 So the next time you find yourself in a bad, difficult or unfortunate situation, pause and ask yourself, “What is this trying to teach me?“

 I’ve found the moment we look for the lesson, the situation usually starts to resolve itself and we start to heal.

Tragic and difficult events often teach us to be grateful for our lives.

We tend to take life for granted, only to discover how magical and fragile it can be during times of crisis and loss. Looking for the blessings in disguise during difficult times helps develop our capacity for gratitude. While I never would have planned or hoped to lose my hair, looking back I now see I’ve gained far more than I’ve ever lost.

More posts on Coping with Hair Loss from Treatment:

Ponying Up: Copying with Hair Loss & Regrowth

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Battling Chemo Brain After Treatment

For decades, cancer survivors have experienced problems with memory, attention, and processing information months and even years after treatment. Because many of these survivors had chemotherapy, this has been called "chemo brain" or "chemo fog.” Early researchers assumed that cognitive problems were a result of chemotherapy alone. More recent research has suggested that the combination of chemotherapy and hormonal therapy, or even hormonal therapy alone, may cause cognitive change.

Source: National Cancer Institute

What do you do when you’re lost for words?

You know the feeling.

Maybe you’re desperately trying to make a point but can’t find the right word.

Maybe you’re trying to tell someone something but can’t remember an important name.

Maybe you were telling a story but lost your train of thought and now have no idea what you were saying.

Maybe it happens to you once or twice and you shrug it off.

But for those of us with chemo brain this is our daily reality.

Going through cancer affects your brain just as much as the rest of your body.

Maybe more.

Neurological issues are hard to pin down.

It can take years to identify the root cause of your problem.

You wonder is there really a problem with your memory or are you simply too stressed?

Maybe it’s both?

It’s hard to tell.

Cognitive effects of treatment can range from simply forgetting and extreme fatigue to difficultly multi-tasking. and staying organized.

It’s frustrating.

It’s embarrassing.

It’s not something cancer survivors always discuss.

But it’s our reality.

It’s a haunting effect of treatment that lasts years, even decades later.

Sometimes it never goes away.

But I’m here to say it CAN get better.

There is hope that these side effects don’t have to last forever.

The body is an amazing machine.

Our brains keep the engine running.

But just like any system, parts break down and become dysfunctional.

Sometimes things happen that send our systems into overdrive.

Other times, traumatic events happen that paralyze us and take away our ability to react.

So we freeze.

Our bodies go into shock.

Even years later, our bodies can react as if the event has just happened or is currently happening to us.

Traumatic events affect us all differently. 

There is no magic pill for treating trauma. 

You have to do the work to heal. 

Yes, our brains can become sick and break down,

Our bodies can feel so broken that we want to give up.

But I have also witnessed first-hand how they can be healed and rewired.

Functional medicine and neurological rehab helped give me my life back after treatment. 

After just a few months of therapy and lifestyle adjustments, I was amazed by my progress.

The underlying agitation and frustration that comes with constantly forgetting things was gone.

The uncertainty regarding my future was alleviated.

I could finally feel my body starting to heal.

I could visibly see the changes:

My vision improved.

My balance stabilized.

My strength was restored.

My digestion improved.

My anxiety lessened.

It wasn’t easy.

For a long time, I doubted it was even possible.

I thought I would have to get used to living this “new normal.”

Functional medicine, neurological rehab along with lifestyle and diet changes helped me regain a lot of cognitive function I thought I had lost due to my cancer treatment.

It isn't a total panacea for chemo brain.

But it’s a pretty good place to start.

I’ll be sharing tips and other resources in upcoming blogs and posts to help other survivors and their families get access to the same treatment options and resources that helped me. I was fortunate to regain a lot of my cognitive function in the first two years of remission thanks to the therapy I received. I am hoping to help others do the same.

 This is a big reason why I started my Hopeful Warrior Project.

Chemo brain affects up to 75 per cent of patients during treatment with 35 percent reporting symptoms post-treatment.

I am hoping to change that by helping connect local cancer fighters and survivors with the resources that have helped me the most.

Learn more: www.hopefulwarrior.com/project

Donate: www.fundly.com/the-hopeful-warrior-project

Sources:

Chemo Brain- American Cancer Society

A ‘new normal’ with chemo brain- Fiona ME Henderson, University of Derby

Neuro Rehab in the Chicago area: Neurologic Wellness Institute

Turning Your Pain into Purpose

“Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” — Joseph Campbell

Some of the most precious things in life are born from struggle. 

Seeds and roots pushing through the Earth’s crust.

Blossoms bursting open.

Caterpillars becoming butterflies.

Chickens hatching.

Babies being born.

The world around us is teeming with incredible miracles every day. 

Nature constantly reminds us that sometimes it takes a breakdown to have a major breakthrough.

Pain has a powerful way of teaching us what’s most important and where our true purpose lies.

While there is tremendous pain, suffering and uncertainty all around us, there also is an opportunity for change. Because when things go wrong, there is also a greater opportunity to turn things around for the better. Our difficult seasons can also be a chance for us to change directions and let go of what no longer serves us. 

Cancer taught me that we can’t always prevent a troubling event from happening, but we can always control how we respond. 

While I would never have chosen the most painful parts of my journey, I am grateful for all my pain has taught me about myself. 

Coming to this point wasn’t an easy journey. We rarely view painful events in this way. We do our best to avoid pain and uncertainty at all costs by staying firmly planted in our comfort zones.

I certainly did.

It usually takes a life-changing event or diagnosis like cancer to shake up our status quo and send us searching for deeper meaning in our lives. 

Pain and traumatic events like cancer have the power to change the trajectory of our lives.

Trauma transforms us into different versions of ourselves. Whether those changes are for better or worse is largely up to the choices we make, our perception and overall mindset.

Consider this, are you the same person that experienced that painful event in your past? 

No, the person that first experienced that traumatic event no longer exists. You have been changed, even on a cellular level. 

It’s so easy to get caught up in what happened and what could have been. But when we focus on the what ifs, we overlook the wonderful possibilities that exist before us right now.

In this way, when we rethink the painful events of our past, some of the most awful things that happen in our lives can go from being obstacles and stumbling blocks to opportunities that propel us forward on our path to reaching our purpose. 

How do you move forward when the memory is too painful to leave behind?

Some wounds are just too painful to move past and too difficult to forgive.

Sometimes the memory of what was can actually be more painful than the event itself. 

Sometimes, no amount of medication, therapy, prayers or meditation can heal the deep wound. However, I’ve found that healing from a traumatic event happens on multiple levels. While some wounds can’t be healed completely, they can be transformed into something better over time. 

Some wounds are sent to break us open to remind us of our true strength. 

Our wounds bring pain but they also bring a deeper wisdom that only comes by overcoming what originally hurt us.

These wounds are meant to break us wide open so that we can use our story of survival to light the way and guide others through their inner darkness.

Turning our past pains into stepping stones to realizing our purpose requires the courage to embrace what happened to you and use it as fuel to change the world.

Sharing our story of survival helps transform us from victims of circumstance into the victors of our own story.

Being brave enough to step out of your comfort zone and share your story lets others know there is a path forward out of the darkness. Because once we are able to heal our untouchable wounds, we can help others heal too.

Trauma and painful events from our past don’t have to continue to define our future. 

Just because something happened; doesn’t mean it will always be that way.

In my short time on this earth, I have survived numerous health crises, unspeakable losses and heartache including the sudden death and suicides of loved ones and my own personal journey with cancer. However, as difficult as those times were, I know they served a greater purpose, helping to shape me into a more compassionate and empathetic person.

Cancer at first seemed like an incredible curse, yet it has brought more connection and meaning to my life than I ever knew was possible.

Everything changes once you can look back on the most difficult period in your life and feel gratitude instead of bitterness because you finally understand it was all part of a bigger plan. We eventually start to realize as difficult as that time was, it was really a catalyst pushing us further along towards realizing our life’s purpose. When we are able to turn our pain into purpose, we start to melt away anger and resentment and replace it with joy and a renewed love of life. 

5 Ways to Turn Your Pain into Purpose During Difficult Times 

Look for the Silver Lining in the Situation

Try asking yourself the following questions: Is it possible you’ve been looking at that painful memory the wrong way? What if the worst thing you ever went through was a blessing that you weren’t meant to understand until much later? If it’s a painful memory you can’t forget, find a way to help others going through the same thing, and it will help you heal, too.

Get Your Feelings Out on Paper 

Take some time to reflect on the painful event. In a notebook or journal, write down as many memories as you can recall from that time. Write whatever comes to mind. Don’t worry about the order. Later you can go back and arrange the events chronologically. Also, don’t worry about writing in full sentences or whether or not your grammar is correct. Let the contents of your mind and heart fill the pages without judgment or fear. Getting your thoughts on paper helps you make sense of how you are feeling. Once you are able to reflect on what you wrote down, you may start to notice some repeating themes or patterns. Learning how to observe how you are feeling about a particular event without judgement, guilt or shame is one of the first steps towards healing.

Shift from Anger to Forgiveness

To forgive someone doesn’t mean that you’re letting this person off the hook or saying that what they did to you is okay. To forgive someone means letting go of the anger inside of YOU. It helps to think of your heart like a closet that can only hold so much. If your closet is filled with bitterness, there won’t be any room for good things like love and healthy relationships. When you forgive, you empty the closet of negativity and make more room for the love of others to fill that space.

Gain Perspective

Bad things happen to good people all the time. You can allow it to consume you or you can use the painful experience to fuel your life purpose. If you were bullied or assaulted as a child, if you lost a parent at a young age, if you felt invisible as a teen, if you’ve battled an addiction or chronic illness—all the suffering you’ve endured and survived could save the life of someone else who’s alone and scared right now, facing what you once did. The more you reach out with your wisdom, experience, and courage, the more you will heal, and instead of resenting what happened to you, you’ll finally be able to make peace with it.

One way to gain perspective is by practicing daily gratitude, especially during difficult times. As hard as it can be try to make a habit of listing at least five things you are grateful for each day. Try to be as specific as possible and it is best if you actually write down the list in a journal each day. Starting your day with gratitude is a simply yet very effective way to quickly shift your overall mindset.

Give and Get Support 

There may be someone already in your life who’s losing hope praying for help, going through what you did. You might be able to help in ways you could never have imagined. That person who needs your experience to help get through something that’s tearing them apart could be right there in front of you, and you just never noticed. You may be the answer to someone else’s prayer. 

Connecting with others in your local community, church or virtually through online support groups, can help you transform your pain into purpose by getting you to focus outside yourself.

Turning pain into purpose is one of the most powerful healing practices you can commit to in your life. Sometimes all it takes to save someone from hopelessness is another person who’s been there and survived.

More Resources 

During the most challenging times in my life what has helped the most is the guidance and support of others that are on similar journeys.

My battle with cancer taught me that reaching remission is only the first part of the journey. Being a part of their Hope Warrior Academy and private Facebook group this year really helped me build a more resilient and empowered mindset so that I can face whatever comes next. I highly recommend checking out their academy and the free resources they have on their website.

Website: https://hopewarriorproject.com/

Loving Through Sickness and Health

Married 3.31.2012

When it comes to those we love, forever never seems long enough.

Forever can seem like a long time until it’s almost gone.

Suddenly all those moments you share take on a special meaning.

8 years ago today, my husband and I stood in front of our closest family and friends and vowed to love each other forever.

We vowed to stay together through sickness and health.

Little did we know, we’d experience more sickness than health.

In the twelve years we’ve been together, we’ve experienced more challenges than most face in a lifetime.

Heart surgery. Brain surgery. Cancer. Twins.

It has been everything BUT easy.

It feels like we’ve had more heartache and hard times than seems humanly possible.

So many times, we’ve found ourselves wondering what will come next?

We’ve often wondered how will we survive this?

But I’ve found there is something about hard times that makes you able to love harder and deeper.

Holding on when all others would have let go long ago proves you are capable of holding on through the unimaginable.

Holding on when others would have given up proves you can handle whatever comes next.

Although we don’t know what the future holds, or where our journey may lead:

Through chaos and calm waters.

Through good times and bad.

Through sickness and health.

One thing for certain is, I’m so lucky I get to walk this journey with you.

Loved you then.

Love you still.

Always have, always will.

In honor of anniversary, I wanted to share some memories from our special day along with some from my treatment. Pictures do a great job reminding us just how far we’ve come together and help us dream of where we hope to go next.

View fullsize

One of my favorite memories from our wedding day was the playlist we put together for our reception. I believe there is nothing that love and good playlist can’t fix.

Here is a playlist I put together on Spotify and Apple Music featuring some of my favorite love songs:

5 Lessons From Cancer that Helped Prepare Me For The Pandemic and Uncertain Times

Nothing throws a monkey wrench into your life quite like cancer.

 Suddenly everything about your life gets put on hold.

No matter how many days, weeks or months it took to bring you to your diagnosis, deep down, you realize life as you know it now will never be the same.

Getting diagnosed with cancer in late 2017 right before the holidays wasn’t the first time I faced a life-changing diagnosis—nor will it likely be my last.

Dealing with various forms of chronic illness, both visible and invisible, for over half my life has taught me a few powerful lessons about the things we can control and what we need to let go of to truly heal.

My journey with cancer, anxiety, depression and chronic illness showed me that although we can’t always control what happens to us, we can always choose how we respond or react to a situation through our mindset.

What wounds us has a way of healing us in more profound ways than we could ever have imagined.

Cancer was never something I envisioned would be part of my story, or my daily life, but somehow it has brought many blessings, connections and opportunities to my life that wouldn’t exist now if it weren’t for my diagnosis.

Sometimes our biggest bummers turn into our greatest blessings. Here are 5 Lessons from Cancer that helped me prepare and cope during times of uncertainty.

5 Lessons From Cancer that Helped Prepare Me for the Pandemic:

1. Letting go of my sense of control.

Uncertainty can be unsettling, but it is an unfortunate reality we all must face. During difficult seasons and times of change, we want so desperately to hold on to life as we knew it.  Cancer taught me that although I can’t control what happens to be, I can always choose how I respond to the situation.

2. Learning to accept change.

Life is unpredictable and things are always shifting and changing underneath the surface whether we realize it or not. When we resist the change, we also miss an opportunity for growth. Cancer showed me that sometimes the strongest thing we can do is let go. Sometimes we must surrender to what is and not focus on how we thought things would be or should have gone.  

3. How to accept, react and respond to disappointment.  

Cancer showed me that we have the power to transform any situation by the power of our beliefs. Things can go from bad to better. The broken can become beautiful again. My journey with cancer showed me our biggest bummers can become our greatest blessings in the end.

4. How to redirect my energy to things I can control.

Worrying is like a rocking chair. It may keep us busy for short time, but it leads us nowhere in the end. Cancer showed me there are so many things in life that happen to us that our outside of our control. Dwelling on what happened to us or worrying about the future, only takes our power away. Cancer showed me that I can’t look too far into the future. Instead, I have to focus on a few things I need to do each day and trust everything else will eventually work out.

5. Awful things can be opportunities for growth.

Painful and difficult things have a way of reminding us of our true strength. Our setback can put us on the path to realizing our true purpose. Yes, this may not be what we had ever wanted or planned for our lives, but somehow, some way, things always work on in the end.

When all hope seems lost and when the future is unsettling and uncertain, we must have faith that anything can change for the better.

I can’t promise where we’re going.
I don’t know where this path may lead.

Although everything is clouded with uncertainty, we must remember:

The blackest of nights eventually become day.

Keep the faith.
There are better and brighter days ahead.

Supporting You & Helping You Cope

One of the things that’s helping lift my spirits and keeping me grounded during these uneasy times is music. If you need a pick me up or quick escape, check out the Hopeful Warrior Playlist on Apple Music and Spotify.   

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We Are Warriors

“Are you going to get the virus mommy? I’m scared.”

 My five-year-old daughter asks me as tears fill her eyes.

 “I remember when the ambulance took you away.”

 “I was so scared. I thought you were going to die.”

 My daughter recounts this heartbreaking story way too often.

 It’s been said that when one person gets cancer, the whole family and everyone that loves them does too.

 As much as I would like to put the memory of my treatment far behind me, for my children, the fear of my cancer returning or a virus sending me back into the hospital absolutely terrifies them.

 I try to move past those days, but the smallest thing can trigger a memory and I find myself reliving those moments all over again.

 My oldest had just left for summer camp that morning. I was violently ill and couldn’t sadly see her off to camp. My condition continued to worsen throughout the day. I couldn’t keep anything down. My husband made the difficult decision to call an ambulance.

 As the paramedics arrived, I remember being so weak I could hardly speak as they loaded me on the gurney. My mother-in-law and young children were sobbing and watching helplessly as the paramedics wheeled me out of our front door and into the ambulance on our driveway.

 The paramedics couldn’t get my nausea and vomiting under control. I was severely dehydrated by the time I got to this hospital. Hours after testing and a cocktail of anti-nausea medication and IV fluids my condition finally improved. 

 During my treatment and first year in remission, I battled severe bouts of nausea and vomiting.

I had to be hospitalized five times.

Each time I said goodbye to my family, we all wondered and feared what would come next. Thankfully, I was able to recover, and my health has greatly improved since then. Still, those what-ifs and worst-case scenarios keep replaying in the back of our minds.

It’s hard to move on, yet we continue to push forward in faith.

This is the reality most cancer fighters, survivors and immunocompromised face on a daily basis.

We may be tired.

We may be weary.

We may feel broken.

We must remember, we are warriors.

 Warriors view obstacles as opportunities.

Warriors work to defy the odds.

We refuse to give up on anything or anyone.

Warriors understand our greatest enemies can become our greatest teachers.

Warriors realize our current struggles will one day become someone else’s survival guide.

We have faced numerous battles.

We have experienced many defeats,

Yet our spirit is not defeated.

Cancer, like any virus, feeds on a sense of dysfunction.

It is often fueled by the many fears that surround any diagnosis.

The fear of the unknown and the frightening possibility of living life without the ones we love.

Although we may fear what’s in front of us,

We continue to push forward fearlessly through faith.

Thank you to all the doctors, nurses, first-responders and other medical professionals on the front-lines.

 You are warriors.

You are the reason I am still here.

You are the reason my family is still here.

After all, some must be warriors, so that others may live in peace.

Faith Over Fear

We are all scared.

Are you walking in faith or are you reacting out of fear?

Fear is fed by doubt.
Faith is led by trust.

When we feed our faith, we stop fueling our fears.

Fear keeps us trapped in the small details, while faith gives us eyes to see the bigger picture.
My journey with cancer showed me our greatest fears can become our greatest blessings.

It is up to us to choose faith over fear.

We must always remember:

Where God guides, God provides.
While we are waiting, God is working.

It’s time to stop trying and start trusting.

Better days are coming.