When you have cancer, you do a lot of waiting. Waiting to see doctors. Waiting for test results.
The waiting. The uncertainty. It’s definitely the hardest part. Hearing you have cancer in your body—or that it is back and you are doing nothing to treat it, is excruciatingly difficult.
Once treatment begins, life assumes a more predictable pattern. You have identified the problem and you are attacking it. But before treatment and afterwards? I think that’s when the struggle is most difficult. You are wrestling with the unknown. You are facing thousands of possibilities.
That’s the thing about facing severe illness or trauma. You’ve met the boogeyman. You know nightmares can become real. “It’s happened before, what’s to stop it from happening again?”, is what I have caught myself thinking. However, I’ve come to learn that THAT thought is all wrong.
The truth is I have no control over whether or not my cancer returns. Sure, I can eat a healthy well-balanced, diet, exercise regularly and try to minimize my stress. All these things can help lower the risk of reoccurrence, but none can completely STOP or prevent it from ever returning.
I’ve come to accept that the idea of control, particularly trying to control a particular outcome is an illusion. My cancer returning is just one possibility out of several. What I can control is where I place my intention and my focus each day.
Try as I might, I can not rush the answers. Time will reveal whether or not I require more treatment. Right now, I am focused on reveling in the endless possibilities of the unknown. I am learning to be comfortable with ambiguity. I keep reminding myself that when nothing is certain, ANYTHING is possible. And sometimes, the unexpected things in life are merely making way for the unbelievable to occur.
