Today I will receive some answers and I will undoubtedly leave with more questions.
I’m bracing myself. I’m white-knuckle holding onto hope that my cancer is still gone. The realist in me is also whispering the ‘what ifs’ but I’m doing my best not to listen.
You see, I believe hope is a choice. I believe you cannot be fearful and hopeful at the same time— so I choose hope.
I choose to focus on the glimmer of good in this sea of bad. I am choosing to be grateful because I believe you can’t be both grateful AND fearful at the same time.
So when I’m faced with a thousand reasons to cry, I’m choosing to smile. When life brings me to my knees, I will use it as an opportunity to pause and thank God that there is still breath in my lungs so I can say I love you. I am grateful I still have eyes that allows me to see the love in my husband’s eyes and the opportunity to watch my children grow. I’m thankful for this pain, because it means I am still alive to feel. I’m grateful for my body—bruised, broken and all.
I am beautiful mixture of sunshine and chaos. I’m ready for this storm. I know I’ll be shaped by its fury. I will let it tear down the pieces of my life that no longer serve me. I will be shaped by what’s next but I refuse to be reduced by it.