illness

Letter to My Children: When Mommy Is Sick

melanie and kids

To My Beautiful Children:

Mommy is sick.

Sometimes you can tell I’m sick. Other times, it’s harder to tell because I don’t always look sick.

What you can’t always see is the battle I am fighting every day.

I know you are probably wondering what happened to the “old mommy”? The mommy that wasn’t too tired to play or take you to the park.

I can’t promise that mommy will be back soon or even when she’ll return.

I know you have a lot of questions on your mind and I wish I could give you better answers. I know you like to think, “Mommy knows it all” but the truth is, in this case, I don’t.   

I’m sorry for all the times I couldn’t hold you or play and for all the playdates I’ve had to cancel our couldn’t arrange due to my illness. I'm sorry for the days I missed out on watching you grow because I was just too tired to get out bed. 

I’m sorry for the fear I see in your eyes, every time I leave for the doctor or when I need to go the hospital.

I may not have all the answers but I hope and pray that through my weakness, you will learn strength and through my fears that you will learn how to be brave.  In a way, I hope I have shown you how to keep pushing forward when everything in life seems to be knocking you down.

And, while I am the adult and parent, I’ve come to realize I need you at times more than you need me. You keep me strong and help me push through on the days when I seem to have nothing left. You fill my life with more love, laughter and chaos than I ever thought possible. You are the sunshine in my darkest days and my reason for being.  

Although I can’t promise when the “old mommy” will return, I can promise that THIS mommy will NEVER stop trying.

Coping with Illness During the Holidays

Right before Thanksgiving, my world was turned upside down when I found a lump on the side of my neck. I so desperately wanted to wish it away and pretend it wasn’t there. It was the start of the holidays and this is not what I had planned. I initially put off going to the doctor thinking it was in my head, when I finally felt the urgency to get it checked out. For my family’s sake, I decided it was best to know for certain what I was dealing with so that I could get the proper treatment if necessary.

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From the troubled look on my doctor’s face to the slew of tests she ordered, I knew in my heart it wasn’t good. The next few days and weeks became a whirlwind of doctor appointments, imaging tests and blood work. The uncertainty of waiting for results became an uncomfortable norm.

My blood work showed elevated white blood cells, but my doctor didn’t think I had an infection. “Let’s wait to see what the CT scan shows.” Sure enough, my CT scan showed I had SEVERAL areas of enlarged lymph nodes in my neck. My heart sank into my stomach. Next came the news, “We need to take a biopsy of the enlarged lymph node in your neck.”

I opted to be aggressive and chose to have a surgical excision. While my doctor could perform a simple biopsy in an office setting, having it surgically removed and tested was the only way to ensure that they were taking enough tissue to get a proper diagnosis.

The day before Thanksgiving, I had outpatient surgery to remove the lymph node. The next day we hosted Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn’t going to let the fear of my impending diagnosis hamper our holiday fun.

Almost a week later, I received the news I feared. The tissue sample tested positive for lymphoma. I had cancer. Now the holidays are always stressful, even more so when you’re struggling with an illness, disability or injury. So how do you cope and find joy during the holiday season, when the whole world seems to be celebrating?

The first thing to realize is that, despite what we often see in holiday movies and on TV, the fact is many people struggle during the holidays. You are not alone. Whether you have recently lost a loved one or a job; moved or gotten divorced; or are of a non-Christian background we all face the challenge of navigating a holiday season that can deepen the sense of being separated from the happy majority.

While there is no magic formula for dealing with the complex emotions that the holidays can bring, here are some tips that helped me find joy after being diagnosed with cancer right at the start of the holiday season:

    • Use the holiday season to pause and reflect on what truly matters in your life. Illness and injury bring traumatic changes, but some good always remains. Identify the relationships and activities that bring you joy—and make time for the people and events that nourish your spirit and make you smile.
    • Set lower expectations. Be aware of your energy level. Give yourself permission this year to accept less than perfect in your decorating and baking. Tell yourself, “This is temporary, I can let it go this time. I plan on being around for many more holidays.”
    • Let others help. If your list of holiday list of "things to do" is overwhelming, assign a few tasks to others. They’ll get the satisfaction of helping—and you’ll find you have a little more breathing room.
    • Learn to rest. Fatigue is a very common side effect of treatment and illness. Listen to your body when it is telling you it is tired. Give yourself permission to rest and relax.
    • Reach out. Friends and even family may not understand exactly how you’re feeling, but they genuinely want to help. Sometimes just talking about your feelings of sadness or isolation can lighten the burden of those feelings.
    • Consider a simpler approach to gift-giving. Tell all those friends who've been wanting to do something for you that they can help most by expecting no presents or cards this year. Within your own family, save time and deepen the true spirit of the season by giving personal gifts with no monetary value.
    • Savor the simple pleasures of the season. The food may not taste as good, and the smell may hinder your appetite as a result of your treatment. Allow yourself to enjoy being around others and look forward to enjoying meals at the next holiday, when your treatment is over.
    • Find a way to do something for somebody else. Living with an illness, acute or chronic, can be all-consuming. Avoid being defined by disease, by reaching beyond the limits and preoccupations of illness to connect with others. Send a card to someone you know who's sick or lonely. Or call them to just to let them know you're thinking about them.
    • Join a support group. The holidays are a very stressful time but it's important to remember you are not alone. Ask you doctor if he or she knows of any local support groups. Social media is also a great way to connect to others in similar situations.

    Disease and disability can turn lives upside down. But whatever changes and challenges you face, you still have a spirit that needs to be nourished. This year, and in all the years to come, focus on the parts of the holiday season that bring you joy and feed your love of life and of others. That’s the true spirit of the holidays and it’s available to everyone.


    Sources:

    Beliefnet

    ROCA Counseling

     

    Dealing with a Difficult Diagnosis

    Getting diagnosed is a double edged sword. On one hand, you can find comfort and a sense of relief in finally knowing what’s going on inside your body. But on the other hand, being diagnosed forces you to see yourself in a new, often negative light. You realize that you are not well. Part of your body is dysfunctional. For me, that was a difficult truth to face.

    Whether you were recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, or you are battling an invisible illness or injury—a diagnosis can bring sense of isolation. You feel separated from the outside world. You now know without a doubt that part of you is unwell.

    Normal every day life starts to feel hollow. You start to feel like you are living in two different worlds. One inside your head, where the reality of your illness consumes every waking thought. On the outside, you can smile and pretend at times that you are fine, but the truth is, the reality of your illness is never far from your mind.

    For me, I was first diagnosed with a serious illness at 15. It was 2001, and a year of great personal change and societal upheaval. In the spring of 2001, my aunt took her own life. This was the first time I lost a close family member. It was a shocking and traumatic blow to my close-knit family. During the same time, my beloved grandfather was dying of leukemia. Then in the fall, 9/11 happened and life in the U.S., as well the entire world, was forever changed. 

    I felt like I was losing control. It was all too much.  I felt scared and alone. Soon I just wanted to sleep and shut off the outside world. When I wasn't sleeping, my eyes were filled with tears. The constant stream of scrutiny in mind was unending. In my head, I was failing my family, my friends and even school. I could not find any hope in my current situation or the world. When my family would ask what was wrong, all I could do was answer, "You just don't understand."

    Soon the negative thoughts consumed nearly every waking thought. I was hardly eating or sleeping. I wanted it to stop. I wanted the pain to end. It was then that I first attempted to take my life.

    Thankfully, my mom found me before any serious harm came to me. My suicide attempt was truly a cry for help. I needed help getting control of all the thoughts in my head.

    After my suicide attempt, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was given a host of medicines to try, from anti-depressants to lithium. I began to go to therapy. We were told to limit stressors and identify triggers. The medicine helped to slow down my racing thoughts but the rest of the world seemed to slow down along with it.

    I felt like I was standing alone in a crowed room, screaming at everyone around me to hear me and see the pain that I was in. But everyone else was moving so fast that they could not hear or even see me. They were not on my level. Once again I was alone. 

    While I wanted to fully accept my diagnosis and treatment plan, part of me rejected the idea that I wasn't well. After all I had been through that year and early on in my life, who wouldn't have a hard time adjusting to this much change and tragedy?

    In my head, being told I was bipolar at 15 was a death sentence. My aunt who took her life was bipolar. I assumed that I was destined to meet a similar fate since there is no cure. I began to rebel and thought it was best to live fast and hard since I was destined to die young. So I did.

    I fought the ups and downs of bipolar disorder for over 5 years. Throughout high school and my early years of college, I went on and off medicine and in and out of therapy depending on the severity of my symptoms. I ultimately had to leave college when I became pregnant with my first child at the age of 20.

    The patterns of mania and depression were obvious to everyone but myself. It was only after I lost control again and was on the brink of suicide that I finally sought and accepted the help and treatment I so badly needed.

    Taking Control

    When I found out I was pregnant at age 20, life as I knew it was forever changed...for the better. By honoring the new life growing inside me, I was able to finally start to heal. I wanted to be better, not just for myself, but I wanted to be there to love, guide and nurture the new life growing inside me. 

    Whether you are struggling with addiction, mental illness, trauma or serious illness, I believe the first step is acceptance. You need to accept and surrender to your situation in order to fully move past the negative and find the positive.

    In a 12 step program, recovery starts by admitting you are powerless, but that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. For some, they find strength by finding a higher power in religion, while others find solace in nature, their pets or in living for their family. 

    I believe that the first step toward recovery lies in finding a motivation outside yourself. For me, my saving grace was having my daughter. Feeling the flickers of life growing inside me filled me with hope for me future—for the first time in my life.  She became the cornerstone upon which I built the foundation for my new life. Having the courage to have her, gave me the strength and confidence I needed to finally face my fears and grow into the woman I knew in my heart I was capable of becoming. 

    By finding the right mix of medicine along with cognitive behavioral therapy, I was finally able to take back control of my life and find the stability that is so often elusive when you are suffering from mental illness. Outside of medicine and therapy, what helped me the most to come to terms and accept being bipolar was the unwavering love, support and guidance from my (now) husband, parents and close friends.

    I believe having a strong support system outside of medicine and therapy is critical for long-term success. Their unconditional love allows me to feel at ease confiding my thoughts, no matter how strange or silly they might seem. This helps me understand if I am processing and reacting to a situation in the right manner.

    One of the most challenging parts of dealing with bipolar disorder or cancer is learning how to separate yourself from your illness so you can learn effective strategies to cope with the anxious or obsessive racing thoughts.  What helped me tremendously was understanding that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of my disorder. 

    Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that consistently enter your mind against your will. They're considered intrusive because you simply cannot get them out of your mind, and they often pop up at unusual moments. Intrusive thoughts may also occur in flashes, and often cause significant anxiety when they enter your mind. Examples of intrusive thoughts include unwanted memories and violent or sexual thoughts. Through cognitive behavioral therapy and by practicing mindfulness and meditation I was able to learn how to better control them.

    A book that helped me enormously to come to terms and learn effective coping strategies was Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder: A 4-Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability by Julie Fast. If you or your loved ones are suffering from mental illness, I highly recommend reading this book. One of the reasons this resonated with me is the author Julie Fast has bipolar disorder. She wrote the book along with her doctor. Her honest perspective about dealing with mental illness coupled with the medical advice make this book one of the best I have ever read on the topic.

    After committing myself wholeheartedly to my treatment plan, I was able to go back to college, graduate with honors, get married, start my career and a family. Life was finally coming together. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. It's a shocking turn of events to accept when you feel that your life is finally getting on the right track.

    However, I am choosing to view my cancer diagnosis with an open and grateful heart. I’m grateful because I believe all my past experiences have prepared me for the difficult journey ahead. One of the ways I have been able to remain strong, positive and focused on my recovery is by applying a growth-centered mindset to my current situation.

    As Eckhart Tolle explains in his book, "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose:

    The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, “I am ruined” is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. “I have fifty cents left in my bank account” is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think , to a large extent, creates the emotions that you feel. See the link between what your thinking and your emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.

     


    He goes on to say that, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” 

    According to Tolle, the root of our suffering has a noble purpose. Instead of wishing it away, we need to fully embrace it. For it is through embracing our suffering that we will awaken to our true purpose. While some things look negative on the surface, you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.

    The fact is I have cancer and bipolar disorder. I can't change the fact I have these illnesses, but I can control my actions, and in doing so I can create a positive mindset focused on healing rather than fighting. So I am choosing to embrace the uncertainty of my illness. I am learning to honor and accept my pain. For I believe this is all temporary and preparing me to be better, stronger and wiser on the other side. Every painful or uncomfortable moment is getting me one step closer to being both cancer free and whole again.