Worrier and Warrior: Between Grief and Gratitude

Photo credit: Antonio Jeneski

Some days I'm more of a worrier than a warrior.

Some days, hard as I try, I can't shake the heavy feeling of dread running through my body.

Most days, I find myself walking a thin line between grief and gratitude.

Don't get me wrong. I'm so incredibly thankful to still be here.

I do my best to praise God every day for the breath that fills my lungs. But no matter how much gratitude fills my heart, there is still a giant piece of me grieving how life used to be.

I'm grateful to be a cancer survivor, and in a few months, I am hoping to celebrate three years in remission.

And the longer I'm in remission, the more distant my treatment becomes.  

I remember right after I was diagnosed, a recent breast cancer survivor told me, "one day you will wake up, and cancer won't be the first thing on your mind."

That thought stuck with me through treatment and into remission. I continue to keep this in mind as a quiet gauge of my progress and recovery.

When you face a traumatic event like cancer, I've learned you often can't fully process or grasp what happened until long after the event has ended. I personally didn't start fully processing my cancer journey until my first year in remission.

After nearly a year of immunotherapy and cancer treatment, once my body was out of survival mode, it was time to heal. But how and where to begin?

I soon discovered the trauma of fighting cancer lasts long after treatment ends.

Still, three years after finishing treatment, the smell of rubbing alcohol is sometimes all it takes to put my body back in fight or flight mode. Any unusual aches or symptoms, and my mind immediately starts to panic.

 Is the cancer back? Is this a possible side effect from treatment?

Emotionally, I have been struggling with increased anxiety, anger and PTSD. Weekly therapy sessions have been helping me learn new strategies and techniques for coping with such intense emotions.

Online cancer support groups have been a tremendous resource, helping me connect with other fighters and survivors who genuinely understand my ongoing fears and concerns.

Thankfully, since having my port removed in August, my treatment has started to feel more and more like a distant memory. 

Some days, cancer is the furthest thing from my mind. 

Other days, when I'm jolted awake by a painful leg spasm, I'm reminded just how much my body has endured and that my journey is far from over. 

Since my treatment ended, I've been struggling with a variety of cardiovascular and neurological issues. Cancer drugs cause various long-term health effects, from brain and vision changes, heart and lung damage, to increased risk of secondary cancers and fertility issues. 

I've been struggling with neuromuscular and mobility issues the most. Getting diagnosed with dysautonomia and POTs helped explain some of my more concerning cardiac symptoms after treatment, but painful neuropathy in my arms and hands and chronic leg spasms have been debilitating at times. 

Physical therapy, medications, and supplements have helped provide a little relief, but I've come to accept some of these issues may be permanent, lasting effects of my treatment. 

At the end of 2020, my neurologist was concerned that my newly diagnosed dystonia and persistent neuromuscular and mobility issues could be a sign of early-onset Parkinson's disease. In December, I had a DAT scan of my brain that thankfully did not show evidence of Parkinson's. 

My first Botox treatment helped ease my chronic headaches and loss of mobility in my neck. However, the persistent issues I've been having with my legs require additional testing. Lower limb spasms are a common sign of Parkinson's but also common after cancer treatment.  

I have an EMG, a nerve conduction test this week to determine what exactly may be causing my frequent leg spasms. My next big scan to ensure I'm still in remission is coming up at the end of March. 

As I continue to move forward further into remission and recovery, I am learning:

 God draws straight with crooked lines.

Although I may not be where I wanted or hoped to be by now, I'm not where I used to be, either.  

Courage often sprouts in the depths of sorrow, and from painful beginnings come stronger roots.

 Without the darkness, we wouldn't see the light,

 Without sadness, we wouldn't know happiness.

 Without pain, we wouldn't find relief.

 Worrier and warrior—I can be both and still be hopeful. 

If you are looking for some additional support during these trying times, I highly recommend checking out these communities and groups: 

Cancer Blogs & Support Communities

I Had Cancer

Stupid Cancer 

Cancer Patient/ Survivor Facebook Support Community 

Taking Back Your Life After Cancer

General Support & Encouragement Facebook Group 

Encouragement During Uncertain Times 

Check out the podcast I recently recorded with the Hope Warrior Project to learn more about my journey and how online support communities have helped me cope with cancer and more.

Melanie Mogensen is a writer, wife, and mother of three who knows all too well how life can change in an instant. In late 2017, Melanie was diagnosed with St...

Related Blogs:

Overcoming The Trauma of Having Cancer

Still Cancer Free*: Coping with Side Effects of Cancer Treatment

Getting Diagnosed with Dystonia

Unpacking Grief: The Ball & The Box Analogy

Healing is Not Linear

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

Check out my resources for more blogs about my cancer journey.

Loving Through Sickness and Health

Married 3.31.2012

When it comes to those we love, forever never seems long enough.

Forever can seem like a long time until it’s almost gone.

Suddenly all those moments you share take on a special meaning.

8 years ago today, my husband and I stood in front of our closest family and friends and vowed to love each other forever.

We vowed to stay together through sickness and health.

Little did we know, we’d experience more sickness than health.

In the twelve years we’ve been together, we’ve experienced more challenges than most face in a lifetime.

Heart surgery. Brain surgery. Cancer. Twins.

It has been everything BUT easy.

It feels like we’ve had more heartache and hard times than seems humanly possible.

So many times, we’ve found ourselves wondering what will come next?

We’ve often wondered how will we survive this?

But I’ve found there is something about hard times that makes you able to love harder and deeper.

Holding on when all others would have let go long ago proves you are capable of holding on through the unimaginable.

Holding on when others would have given up proves you can handle whatever comes next.

Although we don’t know what the future holds, or where our journey may lead:

Through chaos and calm waters.

Through good times and bad.

Through sickness and health.

One thing for certain is, I’m so lucky I get to walk this journey with you.

Loved you then.

Love you still.

Always have, always will.

In honor of anniversary, I wanted to share some memories from our special day along with some from my treatment. Pictures do a great job reminding us just how far we’ve come together and help us dream of where we hope to go next.

View fullsize

One of my favorite memories from our wedding day was the playlist we put together for our reception. I believe there is nothing that love and good playlist can’t fix.

Here is a playlist I put together on Spotify and Apple Music featuring some of my favorite love songs:

Natural Ways to Boost Your Immune System During Cancer Treatment & Beyond

Cancer.

 The BIG C.

It’s our worst nightmare, yet for many people around the world, battling cancer is their daily reality.

I believe whether something is a curse or a catalyst for the better is a matter of perspective.

In late 2017, right before the holidays, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma.

Lymphoma is cancer of the immune system.

Hodgkin lymphoma is a type of cancer that starts in white blood cells called lymphocytes. Lymphocytes are an important part of your body’s immune system.

As terrifying as getting diagnosed with blood cancer can be and as grueling as treating was, cancer brought a level of connection, community and camaraderie to my life I never knew was possible.

Can COVID-19 provide a similar opportunity for our world?

Maybe we have been given this unprecedented opportunity to slow down and come together right now for a bigger reason?

This incredible time is allowing us to connect to each other in ways we have never before.

I believe COVID-19 and the coronavirus pandemic is giving us an incredible chance to learn more about our bodies and the critical role our immune system plays in our overall health.

My journey with cancer and immunotherapy helped me better understand how my immune system works. Over the past two years, I was fortunate to not only take part in some of the latest clinical research into immunotherapy, but I also have tried to learn as much as I can about ways I can naturally boost my immune function so that I can help prevent relapse and ensure my chances of long-term remission. 

I wanted to share some helpful information I’ve come across from experts in the fields of biology, immunology, psychiatry and functional medicine, in the hopes it can help improve your health during these challenging and uncertain times.

A Growing Understanding of How Our Immune System Works

According to the emerging field of microbiology, scientists now say more than half of your body is not human. In fact, Human cells make up only 43% of the body's total cell count. The rest are microscopic colonists.

Therefore, the unsettling reality is, no matter how well you wash, nearly every nook and cranny of our bodies is covered in trillions of microscopic organisms.

As MIT biologist,  Dr. Shiva Ayyadurai explains the modern immune system in this video, viruses and bacteria are a normal, albeit typical part of our human existence and exposure to them actually helps build and strengthen our natural immune response.

There is growing scientific evidence that suggests mammals evolved alongside a complex and biodiverse multi-biome. The interaction between our bodies and this diverse biological ecosystem helps regulate our immunity and overall inflammation levels.

Dr. Shiva Ayyadurai explains in the video, the innate and adaptive two box theory of the immune system that is widely taught in medical schools is over 100 years old. Now, the emerging field of microbiology is changing what we now know about how our immune system functions and how we treat a variety of diseases.  

According to the two-box theory of immunity, when your body is exposed to a pathogen, it mounts an immune response via your T-cells and B-cells. Your bodies’ innate immune system gets triggered by an antigen in the first 72 hours from exposure and once that happens within three or more days, your adaptive immune system then kicks in to create an anti-body to help provide further immunity and stop the spread of disease.

This two-box theory of immunity dating back to the early 1900s supports medical interventions like vaccinations with the belief that it is better to inject a weakened version of the pathogen or virus directly into the adaptive system to help provide immunity instead of being naturally exposed to a disease like the measles or chickenpox.

Are the Microbiome and the Virome the Missing Links to Immunity?

Our immune system is simply amazing. It helps keep us healthy by keeping viruses and bacteria out of our bodies and by attacking foreign invaders and rogue cells. But this is a delicate balancing act because although we want our immune system to vigilantly police our body, we do not want it to attack our own cells. However, when it comes to treating cancer, this is exactly what we need our immune system to do.

Cancer cells are tricky. They fight back by releasing signals to the immune system that tell it to ‘turn off.’ Immunotherapy works by harnessing our own immune system to better target and eliminate cancer by turning on – and sometimes turning off these ‘checkpoints’ that slow or stop immune responses. 

With advances in systems biology and new notions of systems immunology over the last 20 years, scientist are now beginning to understand that our bodies’ interferon system is the missing link between the innate and adaptive parts of our immune system.

The Interferon System Plays a Critical Role in Our Immune Response

The Interferon System was discovered in 1957 by Isaacs and Lindenmann. Their discovery led to them finding several proteins that are produced by the body’s cells in response to viruses. These cell proteins play an important role in our bodies’ immune response. They found that the interferon system creates a feedback loop between the adaptive and innate immune system that regulates inflammation, immunity and overall health. Research conducted in the 1970s also revealed that these substances could not only prevent viral infection but also suppress the growth of cancers in some laboratory animals.

Within the last 20 years, scientists have also discovered another subsystem within our immune system called the microbiome consisting of 10 trillion bacteria in our gut and potentially as much as 100 trillion viruses in our virome. New research shows not only do our microbiome and virome regulate our digestion, they also play an extremely important role in our mental and overall health.

Exciting new research into immunotherapy effectiveness suggests a patient’s microbiome could be a critical factor for immunotherapy success. Two recent studies in Science suggests the microbiome plays an important role in predicting what patients are likely to benefit from immunotherapy and treatment could be made more effective for more people by tailoring treatment to the patient’s unique microbiome.

Helping Dispel the Myth All Viruses and Bacteria Are Deadly

According to  Dr. Shiva Ayyadurai, viruses and bacteria do not kill us. It is our bodies’ reaction and sometimes overreaction to viruses and bacteria that proves fatal. When it comes to COVID-19, the virus becomes fatal when it causes a “cytokine storm” in the patient’s body.

Critically important studies emerging from China suggest that for many patients who die of Covid-19, it may be their own immune system, rather than the virus itself, that deals the fatal blow. This overreaction of the immune system is called a cytokine storm.

During a cytokine storm, an overreactive immune system ravages healthy lung tissue, leading to acute respiratory distress and multi-organ failure. Untreated, cytokine storm syndrome is usually fatal. It is important to note, patients  in other studies who developed cytokine storm syndrome after coming ill from viruses often possessed slight genetic immune defects resulting in the uncontrolled immune response.

Recently, a number of specific anti-cytokine treatments have proven effective in treating a variety of cytokine storm syndromes, including those triggered by viruses. While randomized trials will be needed to confirm which, if any, of these approaches will effectively treat Covid-19-infected patients with cytokine storm syndrome, IL-6 blockade has recently been reported to be in use in China with successful outcomes in some individuals receiving this as part of their treatment.

Early reports also indicate there has been success treating patients with high doses of intravenous Vitamin C, as much as 24,000 mg/day. Another study showed that a dose as low as 200mg.day of Vitamin C has helped reduce the duration of pneumonia in infants and children ages 5 and younger.

Building & Supporting Natural Immunity

Throughout my treatment and during the last two years of being in remission from Hodgkin Lymphoma, I’ve been working on strengthening my immunity through various diet and lifestyle changes and well as through increased supplementation to help increase my chances of long-term remission.

 Here are some of the ways I have been working to build immunity since finishing treatment:

Dietary Changes

I went dairy-free about a year ago to help reduce my inflammation levels. I substitute with almond milk-based alternatives. I also make sure to eat mostly non-GMO/organic foods and stay hydrated by drinking about a half-gallon of water every day. I have also tried to eliminate gluten from my diet as much as possible and cut down on my sugar intake overall.

Getting Enough Rest

I’ve made a habit within the last year to ensure I am getting at least 7 hours of sleep every night. Also taking time to meditate and have slow down in a quiet place for a few minutes each day has done wonders for my mental health and overall clarity.

Exercise

Since finishing treatment in August of 2018, I’ve been able to resume a pretty active lifestyle. However, having dysautonomia makes it difficult to tolerate certain types of exercise for long so I mostly have been going on long walks and doing yoga at-home. Staying active is an important part of maintaining our health so I make it a habit to try to stay as active as possible.

Supplements

Growing scientific research shows that there is an extensive network of antioxidants and enzymes produced within our body. This antioxidant network of nutrients, enzymes and various proteins help to maintain a state of redox balance within our bodies. 

Having low antioxidant status such as low Vitamin A-D-E-C and low Glutathione level can produce a redox imbalance in our bodies. Our bodies naturally work to maintain a state of redox balance aka homeostasis, through various antioxidant enzymes in the body. However, food-derived antioxidants (what we eat, how much of it, how often and its metabolized by the gut) also play an important role in our health.

Psychological stress, competition, dietary changes, heat stress, infection and trauma are all well proven to alter this important function. Additionally, redox is significantly altered patients suffering from chronic health conditions like cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, obesity or autoimmune inflammatory diseases, like chronic fatigue syndrome.

The following supplements can help improve cellular function and boost immune health:

Supplements for Boosting Overall Immune Health

Vitamin A

Vitamin A helps maintain a proper balance T cell functions within our immune systems and it also helps prevent excessive or prolonged inflammatory reactions. Our body naturally converts beta carotene to vitamin A. Beta carotene helps support healthy tissues and DNA function. Also, your body produces less Vitamin A as you age.

Recommended product: Beta Carotene (with mixed carotenoids) 

Vitamin C

High dose vitamin C has been shown to help boost immune function. IV- Vitamin C has large efficacy of use for immune modulation and boosting effects.

I take 500 mg four times a day and when I’m sick I up my intake to 1000mg 3 times a day.

Similar to IV Vitamin C, Liposomal liquid Vitamin C has been shown to be very effective at boosting immune function because it is more easily absorbed.

Recommended products: Liposomal Vitamin C liquid or PuraThrive Micelle Liposomal Vitamin C

Vitamin D

Vitamin D is an important micronutrient for our immune systems and when levels drop, the body’s immune system is suppressed. Studies have shown Vitamin D deficiency can cause an increased risk of influenza. High doses of Vitamin D for the first few days of illness (as 10,000-25,000 IU per day for adults) can help boost immune function. However, it is important to not take an increased dosage of Vitamin D for long because it can become toxic.

Recommended product: Vitamin D3 125 mcg (5,000 IU)

Zinc

There is some clinical evidence that suggests supplementing with zinc can help improve immune function. Supplementing with added zinc as soon as symptom onset occurs, or sucking on zinc lozenges every 2-4 hours may help shorten the duration of colds and the severity of symptoms.

Recommended product: Zinc chelate or citrate

All-in-One Supplement 

Greens First

Greens First is a complete phytonutrient and antioxidant supplement that works synergistically in your body to provide 49 different super foods, extracts and concentrates including super-greens, organic fruits & vegetables, probiotics, soluble and insoluble fibers, herbs, spices, natural flavonoids and digestive enzymes.

Greens First was a lifesaver for me during my first year in remission. I suffered from terrible nausea and chronically low appetite. Supplementing with Greens First helped ensure I was still getting all the vital minerals and nutrients my body needs to stay healthy. This is one of the best overall supplements I’ve tried for overall quality, taste and nutrition.

Recommended product: Greens First or Order on Amazon

Supplements to Help Boost Gut Health

Probiotics

One of the best places to begin to modify inflammatory states in the body, naturally is in the gut.  Housing more than 70% of our immune system, the gut is our interface between the outside and inside world and helps in many critical functions from synthesizing nutrients, digesting food, eliminating modern chemicals, supporting immune signaling, to regulating endocrine function, and brain chemistry.

Martindale Bengmark’s review of Prebiotics and synbiotics in clinical medicine highlights the role of lactobacillus probiotics in the gut microbiota.  According to Dr. Kelly Brogan’s article on how probiotics help improve our microbiome function, the strains that have been demonstrated to influence the immune system, species include  L. paracasei, L. rhamnosus, L. acidophilus, L. johnsonii,L. fermentum, L. reuteri, L. plantarum, Bifidobacterium longum and Bifidobacterium animalis. The best studied for anti-inflammatory functions are: Lactobacillus paracasei, Lactobacillus plantarum, and Pediococcus pentosaceus.

Recommended products: Probiotic G.I. , Orthobiotic Capsules, Florastor, Culturelle Health & Wellness Probiotic

Magnesium

New scientific research demonstrates the role of magnesium in helping to maintain intestinal health. Dr. Kelly Brogan has written extensively about how magnesium is a critical micronutrient for maintaining our health due to the more than 300 reactions magnesium is involved in, in addition to its role in helping to treat anxiety, especially in women.

I take 120 mg of magnesium glycinate 2 times per day.

Recommended product: Magnesium Glycinate

Immunoglobulin (IgG) 

A large number of studies in infants and adults have shown that supplementing bovine IgG (or colostrum as a rich source thereof) can help prevent gastrointestinal tract infections, upper respiratory tract infections, and help reduce overall inflammation.

Recommended product: SBI Protect IgG capsules

Restore/ION Gut Health

RESTORE aka ION Gut Health is a, soil-derived supplement that promotes an optimal gut environment and helps support respiratory health. It is not a probiotic or a prebiotic. Rather, it is a carbon-rich, alkaline liquid, comprised of Terrahydrite™, a proprietary formulation of Aqueous Humic Substances and trace mineral amino acid complexes.

Recommended products: Restore Gut Health or the newly rebranded version ION Gut Health

Extra-Immune Fighting Supplements & Anti-Virals

Elderberry

There are many different kinds of elderberry plants, but the flowers and berries of Sambucus nigra, commonly known as European elder, are the most studied and used in herbal formulas. Elderberry-based supplements — syrups, gummies, lozenges, pills and teas — are believed to work by supplying the body with antioxidants and boosting its natural immune response.

Recommended products: Nature's Way Sambucus Elderberry Gummies, Gaia Herbs Black Elderberry Syrup. Zarbee’s Naturals

NAC

Consuming adequate cysteine and NAC is important for a variety of health reasons — including replenishing the most powerful antioxidant in your body, glutathione. These amino acids also help with chronic respiratory conditions, fertility and brain health. NAC plays an important role in your body’s detoxification process. It can help prevent side effects of drugs and environmental toxins. NAC helps regulate levels of glutamate — the most important neurotransmitter in your brain and therefore may also help improve the treatment of psychiatric disorders and addictive behaviors. NAC can relieve symptoms of respiratory conditions by acting as an antioxidant and expectorant, loosening mucus in your air passageways.

 Recommended products: NAC 600 mg or Now Foods NAC Veg Capsules

Glutathione

Glutathione (or GSH) is the body’s own master antioxidant that was discovered way back in 1889. However, it was only about 30 years ago that the scientists began to understand its functions and discovered how to raise its levels. GSH performs many important cell functions including helping to regulate cell growth and division, DNA synthesis and cellular repair and more. New research shows certain functions, such as the DNA synthetic response, are exquisitely sensitive to levels of the antioxidant glutathione. Scientists have recently discovered the immune system works best lymphoid cells have a delicately balanced intermediate level of glutathione. Even moderate changes in the intracellular glutathione level have profound effects on lymphocyte and overall immune function.

Recommended products: Liposomal Glutathione liquid or Now Glutathione 250 mg

Naturally Reduce Inflammation

Turmeric

Turmeric has been used for centuries as an Ayurvedic and Traditional Chinese Medicine treatment. Turmeric root is often ground into a powder and consumed as a spice. Recently, curcumin has been shown to be a powerful antidepressant and to protect the brain. Generally, curcumin works by counteracting the harmful chronic inflammation promoted by many aspects of modern life. 

I take 500mg twice daily to help reduce my inflammation.

Recommended products: Turmeric Curcumin with BioPerine 95% Curcuminoids or Qunol Liquid Turmeric Curcumin

Note:

You should consult a licensed health care professional before starting any supplement, dietary, or exercise program, especially if you are pregnant or have any pre-existing injuries or medical conditions or in active treatment. Some supplements may interact with your medications so it advised to always consult your doctor or a licensed health professional first.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any diseases.

All information, data, and material utilized in this document, presented or provided is for general information purposes only 2 and solely the opinion of the author and presenter. The information contained should not be construed or intended as providing personalized medical or legal advice. The information contained is not considered traditional or mainstream health care. Responsibility is placed upon the patient/ individual to use discretion and judgment when utilizing or determining products, procedures, treatments, tests, and therapies described therein this document for potential or existing clients / patients. Please seek out your Primary Care Doctor for more information.

 Sources

More than half of your body is not human—BBC

MIT PhD Dr. Shiva Ayyadurai Explains the Reality of the Modern Immune System— Dr. V.A. Shiva Ayyadurai 2020 

Interferon System and Immune Health—Encyclopedia Britannica

Psychoneuroimmunology—How Inflammation Affects Your Mental Health—Mercola

Meet Your New Symbionts: Trillions of Viruses—National Geographic

Top 9 Benefits of NAC (N-Acetyl Cysteine)—Healthline

The Microbiome, Is It the Deciding Factor for Immunotherapy Success?—Cancer Health

Microbiome- Let’s Get Into It—Dr. Kelly Brogan, MD

How doctors can potentially significantly reduce the number of deaths from Covid-19—Vox

Don’t Forget the Host: COVID-19 Cytokine Storm—The Rheumatologist

COVID-19 & 5 Ways to Help Boost Your Immune System–-Dr. Trevor Eason DC, DACNB, FACFN, FACSM, CFMP, CSCS

Understanding the science of redox in a high performance environment— Orreco

A Woman’s Friend: Magnesium—Dr. Kelly Brogan, MD



Immunotherapy Just About Cleared My Stage 3 Cancer Before Chemo

Vaccine-Based Immunotherapy from Novel Nanoparticle Systems. Researchers at the Texas Center for Cancer Nanomedicine (TCCN) are creating particle-based vaccines for cancer therapy. The particles carry molecules that stimulate immune cells and cancer antigens (proteins) that direct the immune response. This scanning electron microscope image shows dendritic cells, pseudo-colored in green, interacting with T cells, pseudo-colored in pink. The dendritic cells internalize the particles, process the antigens, and present peptides to T cells to direct immune responses. Source: National Cancer Institute

Why?

How?

Those two words tend to haunt you when you have cancer.

Why me?

How did this happen?

Why now?

How will I survive this?

I often caught myself wondering what would have happened if I caught my cancer earlier. By the time I was diagnosed and staged in late 2017, I was stage 3 and experiencing a lot of severe symptoms.

Where would I be now, if we caught this sooner?

Two years ago, on November 27, 2017, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma. Just as the holiday season was kicking off and I was about to celebrate my 32nd birthday, my world was turned upside down.

A month earlier I had found a suspicious swollen lymph node by my collarbone.  I decided to see my primary doctor after monitoring it for a few weeks. A series of bloodwork and CT scans determined I had severely swollen lymph nodes throughout my neck and chest. My primary doctor advised that I follow up with an ENT to schedule a surgery to remove the suspicious lymph node to have it checked for lymphoma.

I was told it could wait until after the holidays, but deep down I knew I was seriously ill, and I knew the chances were high that I had lymphoma. I decided to get it removed and checked right away, rather than wait until the holidays passed. On November, 22 2017, the day before Thanksgiving, I had surgery to remove the lymph node.

 A week later, just days before my 32nd birthday, I received a call from my doctor informing me the biopsy confirmed I had Nodular Sclerosis Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

---

Hodgkin lymphoma is cancer of the lymphatic system, which is part of your immune system. It affects people of any age, but is most common in 20 and 40 years old and those over 55.

I was reassured by my surgeon that “It’s a highly treatable; even curable cancer.” However, lymphoma is not treatable through surgery. The standard treatment is chemotherapy. Immediately I began researching the standard course of treatment for lymphoma. I am fortunate to live in the Chicago metro area, so I had easy access to some of the nation’s’ top hospitals and leading cancer treatment centers.

As I began to research my treatment options. I was drawn to Northwestern after seeing the success of former Chicago Blackhawk Eddie Olczyk had with his treatment for his Stage 3 colon cancer earlier that year. I was fortunate to get connected to an oncologist at Lurie Cancer Center who has specialized in treating lymphoma for more than 20 years. She immediately put me at ease when she looked me in the eye and said, “my job as your oncologist is not to just treat your lymphoma, but to cure you.”

Northwestern’s Lurie Cancer Center is a nationwide leader in cancer treatment and offers a variety of clinical trials. After reviewing my biopsy results and bloodwork, my oncologist determined I was a good candidate for their new clinical trial for front-line immunotherapy followed by a reduced chemotherapy regimen.   

How Immunotherapy Works

Immunotherapy enhances your immune system’s ability to detect, target and eliminate cancer. According to the Cancer Research Institute, immunotherapy can target cancer cells wherever they are in the body, making it a potential universal cancer treatment.

There are several different types of immunotherapies and each works in a slightly different way to help improve your immune response. The type of immunotherapy I had is called immune checkpoint therapy because it helps strengthen the body’s cancer-fighting T cells’ ability to detect and eliminate cancer cells. Many immunotherapy treatments can also be used in combination with surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, or targeted therapies to improve their effectiveness.

Immunotherapy vs. Standard Lymphoma Treatment

The standard approach for treating Hodgkin Lymphoma is ABVD chemo, followed by radiation if necessary. As part of this clinical trial, my treatment would differ from the standard approach to treating lymphoma.

Instead of attacking my cancer right away with four aggressive chemotherapy drugs, I was given three separate infusions of Keytruda (pembrolizumab) immunotherapy over the course of three months before beginning chemotherapy. Because I was starting treatment with immunotherapy, instead of chemotherapy. I was given AVD chemo—omitting the bleomycin chemotherapy drug that is slowly being phased out of treatment due to its pulmonary side effects.

Immunotherapy Results

By my second infusion of Keytruda immunotherapy, I could feel a positive change in my body and a reduction in my symptoms. My chest started to feel more clear and I felt my energy improve. I did not experience any hair loss or other concerning symptoms during my three infusions of Keytruda.

In early March of 2018, before I began chemotherapy, I had a scan to check the effectiveness of the immunotherapy infusions. The scans showed, exactly what I was already feeling and experiencing in my body—my cancer was nearly gone. My PET scan showed I only had a few more spots left in my chest that the chemotherapy would hopefully target.

The scan on the left shows my immunotherapy results as of 3/8/18. The previous scan on the right was taken in late December 2017. In just three months of immunotherapy treatment, you can see a huge difference in my neck region (on left) I also had some cancerous activity in my arm pits and spleen which is also GONE! Just some slight cancerous activity remained in my chest. Very exciting results! After 6 cycles, 12 AVD chemo treatments, I was NED and am currently in remission as of 5/1/2018 .

Combination Immunotherapy-Chemotherapy Results

I began 6 cycles, 12 treatments of AVD chemotherapy in March of 2018. By my 2nd cycle or fourth treatment of chemotherapy, I began experiencing more severe hair loss. I also had a lot of severe nausea and low-appetite during chemo. To help keep my white blood cells up during treatment I did Granix injections at-home after every treatment.

At my midway scan during chemo, my PET showed no evidence of disease. I was officially in remission as of May 1, 2018. However, although I was in remission, I still had to finish all 12 treatments of chemotherapy.

I finished treatment on August 9, 2018 and am still currently in remission.

My next scan is scheduled for mid-March and if that is clear I will be celebrating being two years cancer-free on May 1st, 2020.

Immunotherapy Effectiveness and Side Effects

Immunotherapy is an exciting new treatment because it has the potential to provide long-term control of cancer.

Clinical studies on long-term overall survival have shown that the beneficial responses to cancer immunotherapy treatment can be long-lasting— continuing even long after treatment is completed.

Immunotherapy can “train” the immune system to not only detect but also remember cancer cells. This “immunomemory” may result in longer-lasting and potentially permanent protection against cancer recurrence.

Immunotherapies have been approved in the United States to treat a variety of cancers and are prescribed to patients by oncologists or available via clinical trials.

However, Immunotherapy doesn’t always work for every patient, and certain types of immunotherapy are associated with potentially severe but manageable side effects ranging from minor inflammation and flu-like symptoms, to major, potentially life-threatening conditions similar to autoimmune disorders. Common side effects may include skin reactions, mouth sores, fatigue, nausea, body aches, headaches, and changes in blood pressure.

Sharing My Immunotherapy Success

Just six months after a Stage 3 cancer diagnosis, immunotherapy helped me reach remission.

Getting diagnosed with cancer, was one of the worst things to happen to me and my family. But it turns out I was diagnosed at just the right time because it gave me the opportunity to be one of the first patients in my immunotherapy trial.

I hope that by sharing my story of immunotherapy success I can help encourage others to explore their treatment options, and give the newly diagnosed and other cancer fighters hope for remission, no matter where they are in their journey.

More Information

Find out more about how immunotherapy works by watching this video.

To see if immunotherapy is a potential treatment option for your type of cancer, click here.

Click here to search immunotherapy clinical trials.

Sources:

Cancer Research Institute

MD Anderson

Lurie Cancer Center

Cancer Research UK

Keytruda Immunotherapy

American Cancer Society- Treating Hodgkin Lymphoma

Clinical Trials at Northwestern 

Still Cancer Free* Coping with Long-Term Effects from Treatment

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ”

— Kenji Miyazawa

Cancer survivorship is often described as being disease-free, but not free of your disease.  The truth is, going through cancer treatment is like swallowing a grenade. It may kill our enemy, but it kills a lot a bystanders too—damaging vital organs and causing a cascade of other health issues long after treatment has ended.

Chemotherapy and radiation destroy cancer cells. They also destroy normal, healthy cells in the process. Certain side effects can happen months or even years after your treatment. This may result from scarring to parts of the body or damage to internal organs.

Fatigue, difficulty concentrating (aka chemo brain), heart problems, reduced lung capacity, nerve problems, early menopause, muscle weakness, dental problems and secondary cancers are just some of the long-term side-effects related to cancer treatment. While the benefits of treatment typically far outweigh the risks, it’s important for cancer patients and their families to understand the long-term side-effects of cancer treatment.

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I finished treatment for Stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma on August 9, 2018. Throughout my first year in remission, I’ve been dealing with crippling nausea, neuropathy, vision changes, hormonal and neurological issues, and ongoing heart problems.

Cancer treatment is often a trade-off, where you try to balance the risks of cancer-treatment for the chance to reach remission. Cancer patients are subjected to numerous scans, radiation, surgery and stem-cell transplants. Each treatment carries its own risks and while side effects from treatment are common, not everyone experiences them. However, long-term effects from treatment can show up months, even years later—long after treatment has ended. Some side effects are temporary, while others can last a lifetime.

While I don’t always talk about these long-term effects from treatment with friends and family, they are never far from mind. Every ache and pain or bodily change I notice is heavily scrutinized. Is this a sign of relapse or a latent effect from treatment?

Even when I’ve had excellent check-ups and scans that show no evidence of disease, it’s hard to shake the feeling that I’m living on borrowed time. Even when my outward appearance may show signs of health and vitality, internally it’s often a different story.

Whether it’s dealing with the crippling fear and anxiety of a potential relapse or physical symptoms like neuropathy and heart abnormalities, it’s hard to go a day without being reminded of the long-term effects of my treatment.

This reality hit me hard last weekend when I was hospitalized for possible pneumonia following a family vacation. My entire family came down with a cold. I was the last to get it, yet my immunocompromised body was unable to fight it off at home. Just four weeks earlier I was active, surprising myself and many by being able to play in my college alumni volleyball game. Suddenly, I found myself back in the ER, with a fever of 102.3, shaking from extreme chills and surrounded by an army of concerned doctors running every imaginable test to find out what was wrong. I ended up staying the entire weekend at the hospital.

It was hard at times to fight back the tears during my recent hospitalization. As I laid in my hospital bed, my body covered with sensors and wires tracking my unstable heart rate, part of me was in disbelief that I was back in the hospital. I thought I was doing everything right to heal—eating healthy, taking supplements and exercising. Still, I found myself having a hard time coming to grips with my third hospitalization since being in remission.   I knew it was where I needed to be, but I was feeling low and discouraged. My heart ached to be home with my family. It was hard not to be angry.  I thought should be at a pumpkin patch enjoying this beautiful fall weather, instead of stuck in the hospital watching the leaves turn beautiful shades of red and orange from my hospital bed. Thoughts like this circled endlessly in my head while my trusty chest port provided easy access for the IV antibiotics to hopefully work their magic and cure my chest infection so I could return home to my family.

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After a cancer diagnosis, many patients wait anxiously to hear the words “no evidence of disease. However, cancer survivors often say that life after cancer is where the real journey begins. Once you reach remission it is often difficult to come to grips with all that your body has endured during treatment, both physically and emotionally.   Sure, your treatment has ended, and you’ve been told you’re in remission.  You’re ready to move on with life after cancer but side effects from treatment may interfere with your quality of life.  

Although we may be “cancer-free” we still struggle daily with the side effects of our treatment—chemo brain, neuropathy, pain, weight gain/loss and the fear of reoccurrence.  According to the Mayo Clinic, late effects of cancer treatment can come from any of the main types of cancer treatment: chemotherapy, hormone therapy, radiation, surgery, targeted therapy and immunotherapy. The late-term effects of newer cancer treatment like immunotherapy are unknown at this time; however, doctors may find that these treatments also cause late effects in cancer survivors.

Source: Mayo Clinic

Side effects can happen with any type of treatment for cancer, but everyone’s experience is different. Some people have many side effects. Other people have few or none at all.

If you develop side effects, they can happen any time during, immediately after or a few days or weeks after cancer treatment. Most side effects go away on their own or can be treated, but some side effects may last a long time or become permanent.

Side effects of cancer treatment will depend mainly on the type of treatment, the doses used, and if you are getting more than one treatment. Some side effects aren’t always obvious. Your healthcare team might not know that you find it hard to sleep or that you’re having trouble remembering things. Tell them about any side effects that you think are caused by your treatment and how you feel about them. The sooner you tell them of any problems, the sooner your healthcare team can help you cope with them.

Moving Forward Despite the Uncertainty

So much of the cancer journey is uncontrollable and unpredictable. As hard as cancer survivorship can be at times, I’ve found the best way to counteract the side-effects is through self-care and mindfulness. 

Our minds are incredibly powerful. Even if something is very small, you can make it into a massive issue in your life by choosing to intensely focus your thoughts upon it. So, I do my best to focus on what I want to make bigger, and not on what I want to avoid. I can’t help what happened and I can’t control what my future will be. But I can be very present and focus on amplifying the good in my life.

One way I try to stay present is mindful is by practicing daily gratitude. Sure, I may experience crippling side-effects at times which make it easy to get lost in all that is going wrong in my life; but if I pause long enough, I can see there are way more things that are going right.  And most importantly, I am still here to experience it all—the good and the bad and that is truly a blessing.

Sources:

Cancer survivors: Late effects of cancer treatment. -Mayo Clinic

Late and Long-term Side Effects of Hodgkin Lymphoma Treatment- American Cancer Society

Coping with treatment side effects- Canadian Cancer Society

Moving Forward; Not Moving On

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” English proverb

“Take a deep breath in and hold it…”

I took a giant gulp of air and held my breath for what seemed like an eternity.

“You can breathe now.”

My legs were shaking uncontrollably from the coldness in the room and the anxiety coursing through my body.

Suddenly, a river of warmth radiated through my body as the contrast dye flowed from my chest up my neck and throughout the rest of my body.

Months and weeks of dread and anticipation have led to this point. The truth is I will be holding my breath until I get the results of this latest CT scan.

For the next few days I will be in this sort of agonizing limbo, where my future hangs on the results of today. This period is never easy.  I will never get used to having to plan my future and my family’s long-term plans in three-month increments.

One of the hardest parts of cancer treatment is the not knowing. The long periods when we must wait, hold our breath in anticipation of what’s next.

It’s hard to move on after you have cancer. Whether you’re lucky enough to reach remission, it seems you are always walking on eggshells, afraid that every weird sensation is your cancer resurfacing.

It’s hard to move on, when every three months you have a doctor’s visit, blood work or a scan that will stage your fate. It’s easy to get lost in this ambiguity. It’s difficult to stay positive amidst so much uncertainty.

But that’s the reality of life after cancer.

Life gets shaded differently after treatment. Once vibrant and full of life and certainty, your world suddenly becomes colored in varying shades of gray. Everything it seems now gets filtered through a different lens.

Our past and present unique life experiences color the lens through which we view the world. And sometimes it’s the darkness that brings color to our existence and meaning to our lives. I’m slowly learning I can’t stop these waves of uncertainty, and I’m getting better at riding the waves of ambiguity. I’m starting to find new ways of balancing the heartache that comes from the not knowing.

Living in the shadow of cancer helps you realize we are all just a heartbeat away from eternity.

We never really know what an hour or day may bring. I’ve found that sometimes it's the same moments that take your breath away are the same ones that breathe purpose and love back into your life. And many times, the only thing we have control over is how we choose to react to the challenges we face.

We are all searching for our perfect endings. We want our happily-ever-after.

But I’ve learned, the hard way, there is no moving on after cancer, there is only moving forward.

We push forward through all the uncertainty and the painful side effects from our treatment. Time and time again we pick ourselves up and carry on the fight because we now realize that to live is to risk. To love is to risk. We can’t and won’t allow fear to direct our choices.

Fear likes to be in charge. It wants us to forget that we’re not in control.

Fear wants us to forget that no one has all the answers and that manipulation and worry never work.

Fear encourages us to play out negative scenarios in our mind for our future and the future of the world.

But I’m slowly learning when I spend less and less time listening to fear and my inner critic, through practice, a little willingness and a shift in perception—how quickly I can rise above it.

Life is about not knowing, having to adapt, taking each moment as it comes and make the best of it—without knowing what’s going to happen next.

Challenges will come. Results may surprise. In the end, what we are waiting for is not as important as what happens to us while we are waiting. We must trust the process and let life unfold naturally. Just as butterflies remind us through their own transformation to keep the faith—all will work out exactly as it was meant to be.

"The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough." - Rabindranath Tagore

Beating the Odds: Cancer, Luck & Genetics

What role does luck play in our chances of getting cancer?

Why is a four-leaf clover lucky?  As a mom, I often have to field questions like this from my children and admittedly as I approach my first full year of remission, ‘luck’ has been on my mind. What does it mean to be lucky and can someone change their luck, especially when it comes to their health?

When we receive a diagnosis of cancer or hear of someone else’s diagnosis, our knee-jerk response is often to say it’s a case of bad luck. But when something ‘good’ happens, like getting a dream job or buying a new house or car, people tend to attribute that to a certain amount of luck or good fortune. However, getting diagnosed with cancer or another serious illness can turn out to be a blessing for many people; many cancer survivors often claim it was the best thing that could have happened to them.

What if cancer is not a curse, but simply our body’s way of getting rid of something that does not belong to it, or that should not be there? When we view life this way, the diagnosis of cancer, or any other serious illness, becomes an opportunity rather than an unfortunate event.  

Where science and luck intersect has long been of interest to many. New research into the science of luck shows that it is not some mystical force—it requires action, and many of the events that may seem like random chance are not so random after all. By combining recent discoveries in psychology, genetics and neuroscience, experts are developing a new way of understanding luck and what it means for our health.

More than Luck? It’s in the Genes

Why do we get cancer? What makes the cells in our bodies start to rapidly change and divide out of control?

Overall, inherited mutations are thought to play a role in about 5 to 10 percent of all cancers. This can be compared to what happens in nature in a field of clover. Usually, we see 3 leaves on each clover. However, once in a while, we find a clover that has an extra leaf making it a four-leaf clover. We don’t know why Mother Nature decided to add that extra leaf—she just did.

There is no obvious explanation since all the clover plants grew in the same soil and were exposed to the same sun and rain. Mother Nature just decided to add an extra leaf to one of the clover in the field. This doesn’t make it better or not as good as the other clover— it’s just different. It is much the same when we or someone we love develops cancer. We don’t know exactly why the cells started to change and rapidly divide out of control. Some say this happens due to a combination of genetics, our environment and perhaps even luck.

About 1 in 10,000 of clover also known as Trifolium repens  has four leaves instead of the usual three seen in the traditional Irish shamrock. It’s widely believed it brings a person good luck when they find a four-leaf clover; however the reason for the extra leaf is rooted in science. In 2010, scientists at the University of Georgia found a gene that produces a fourth leaf on Trifolium repens. Because four-leaf clovers are a mutation, they are rare, and not found in the same abundance as the typical three-leafed shamrock—making them both rare and lucky. 

Epigenetics and the Future of Healthcare

“to think that one gene equals one trait is a mistake… you don’t realize the ramifications that one change can make on everything else around it” – Tracy Gapin 

Inside each cell in the human body there is a copy of DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) which is made up of billions of base pairs of proteins. According to Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation President, Dr. Stephen Prescott, “About 99.5 percent of human DNA is identical, but the differences in that .5 percent are what make us individuals. Changes in the DNA are called mutations and we all have them. Some make no difference at all, while others are linked to everything from hair color and height to different diseases like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, as well as cancer and developmental disorders.”

The collective name for the processes by which cells designate some genes for use and others for storage is called epigenetics. Epigenetics is key to an organism’s development. A human embryo develops from a single cell and must be able to develop hundreds of different types of cells such as muscle cells, nerve cells and kidney cells that comprise a human being. The specific set of switched-on genes within a cell determine the type of cell it is. Certain epigenetic factors influence which genes are active — which are in use by the cell — and which are not.

“Almost all of the cells of our bodies (except certain immune cells) have exactly the same genes — the same ‘hardware,'” says Myles Brown, MD, co-director of Dana-Farber’s Center for Functional Cancer Epigenetics and professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. “It is the specific ‘software’ that a cell is running that determines its cellular identity. In cancer, both defects in the hardware (gene mutations) and ‘bugs’ in the software (epigenetic alterations) play major roles.”

The most common explanation for cancer is genetic: misaligned chromosomes, misspelled DNA, or miscopied genes all interfere with a cell’s basic programming, sending the cell into hyper-growth. As knowledge of the epigenome grows, we continue to learn more about how the substances we consume and the social situations we are in influence the way our genes are expressed. By better understanding genetics and how our genes can cause diseases, researchers hope to prevent the onset of illnesses or find new treatments for cancer and diseases we already have. However, unlike genetic mutations, epigenetic changes are potentially reversible. This raises the possibility that drugs capable of returning epigenetic markers to their normal setting could be extraordinarily effective in treating and perhaps even curing cancer.

Luck and What it Means for Health

Luck isn't just the outcome of chance events. Improbable events are likely to happen if given enough opportunities. So how do we tip the scale in our favor and become luckier, especially when it comes to our health?

Dr. Richard Wiseman is a professor of psychology at the University of Hertfordshire and the bestselling author of many books including: Luck Factor.  What his work shows as a whole is that people can change their luck.

Luck is not something supernatural in nature. It's something that we are creating by our thoughts and behavior.  Dr. Wiseman ran a series of experiments called "Luck School" where he taught unlucky people how to act more like lucky people do. The result? In total, 80 percent of people who attended Luck School said that their luck had increased. On average, these people estimated that their luck had increased by more than 40 percent. And not only were they luckier afterward, tests results showed they were also happier.

 [Watch this video for more on his experiment]

According to Dr. Wiseman, we can increase our luck by following  4 basic principles rooted in science and psychology:

1. Lucky people take advantage of opportunities. Lucky people create, notice, and act upon the chance opportunities in their lives. Lucky people are always willing to try new things. Unlucky people suffered from paralysis by analysis. They typically won’t do anything until they walked through every single scenario and unfortunately by then the world had moved on. They don't gain the benefits of learning by doing. Wiseman’s research also shows certain personality types are luckier because they tend to create scenarios that maximize opportunities, thereby increasing the odds of a lucky outcome.

Who is more lucky?

• People who are extroverted: More time with others, more interesting possibilities.

• People who aren't anxious: Tense, anxious people are less likely to notice and take advantage of opportunities.

• People who are open to new experiences: Without embracing the new, you're probably not going to have many interesting things happen.

2. Lucky people follow their intuition. When your body has expertise in a certain area, somehow your body and the brain have detected a pattern that you haven't consciously recognized and that signals your intuition. Lucky people stop and consider those feelings or special hunches.  However, when unlucky people got those feelings, they didn't follow them because they didn't know where they came from. They were anxious about the world. Want to increase your luck? Simply follow your gut more often.

3. Lucky people's attitudes help them transform bad luck into good. Lucky people aren't always lucky — but they handle adversity differently than unlucky people. Lucky people see the positive side of their bad luck. Lucky people are convinced that any bad turn of events in their lives will, in the long run, work out for the best. Lucky people do not dwell on their misfortune; instead they take steps to prevent more bad luck in the future. How do you respond to disappointment? When things get tough in life you have two choices: fold or keep going. Lucky people are very resilient.

4. Lucky people expect good things to happen to them. Be an optimist.  It turns out a little delusion can be beneficial. You're more likely to try new things, follow through on opportunities and find success if you believe things will work out well. Lucky people also believe in superstitions. Several studies have shown good luck charms do improve performance, whether it's physical skills like playing golf or mental skills like memory tasks.

Luck is similar to gratitude in that a lot depends on your perspective. Even when bad things happen, lucky people respond to adversity differently, often finding the positive side to their misfortune. When it comes to luck and our health, we often have greater control over our future than we realize. We can change our luck and now science is even showing we may be able to alter our genes, improve our health and even reverse diseases through our thoughts, behavior and healthy lifestyle choices.

Sources:

https://omrf.org/2014/03/17/theres-more-than-luck-behind-a-four-leaf-clover/

http://treytonsposse.com/about/clover/

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/genetics/genetic-testing-fact-sheet

https://blog.dana-farber.org/insight/2018/01/epigenetics-cancer-research/

https://mantalks.com/tracy-gapin/

https://theweek.com/articles-amp/617478/how-become-luckier-according-science

The Science of Luck https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NHSmOcX6wU

(Dr. Wiseman’s Experiment)

Perfectly Imperfect

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.” Shakespeare

What matters is what something is, not what it is called. Though our bodies may be scarred from treatment or worn-out from illness, our spirit is eternal and ultimately unshakeable. We must remember, above else we are SURVIVORS. Although we may feel broken at times, our imperfections often highlight our true essence when we are brave enough to peel back the layers of scar tissue. We can discover that at our core lies incredible strength and resilience against any adversity.

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There have been many times in my life where I’ve felt irreparably damaged and broken. Whether it was after learning I had cancer or simply something I did or said, there have been plenty of times where I wish I could rewind the clock. It would take everything in my power not to run and hide because I’m was so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed by something I said, did —  or perhaps failed to do.

But the thing I’ve discovered about shame is that it thrives in silence. It tries to will you to remain silent because of the fear you won’t be accepted. Your imperfections are too much and will make others uncomfortable so it is better to hide them away. Shame also causes you to endlessly cycle through your past actions looking for reasons why something happened, some explanation to make sense of the chaos of the all the stirred-up emotions guilt can bring. However, the most important thing my mistakes have taught me over time is that there is true power when you freely admit the things you’ve said or done wrong, then take steps to remedy the situation. I believe it is only through awareness and acceptance that we are truly able to grow and heal.

I recently learned about the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi and have been trying to apply this concept to my daily life as I work on recovering from my recent cancer treatment. The truth is getting cancer in my 30s, as a young wife and mother, opened my eyes and gave me a glimpse into my mortality. No matter how you slice it, getting diagnosed with any life-changing illness is a wake-up call. It forces you to reexamine your life and your priorities in ways you never thought you would have imagined. In many ways, cancer has caused me to hit my internal reset button and become fully committed to improving my health, balance and overall wellness, both physically and mentally.

The Japanese Philosophy of Wabi-Sabi

Wabi-sabi means a state of acceptance for the imperfections in life. Wabi-sabi encourages us to focus on the blessings hiding in our daily lives, celebrating the way things are, rather than how they should be. Because when you appreciate everything, the good and the bad, you are appreciating the flow of life.

According to Mike Sturm, “Wabi-sabi is about accepting yourself and building on what you already have in life.  Embracing wabi-sabi is as easy (or as difficult) as understanding and accepting yourself — imperfections and all. It’s about being compassionate with yourself as you are and building on whatever that is — not feverishly trying to rebuild yourself to pose as something else entirely.”

 Wabi-sabi is timeless wisdom that values tranquility, harmony, beauty and imperfection, and it can also strengthen your resilience in the face of materialism and as well as during turbulent times.

I could focus on the whys. I could fret about the how’s. I could live in a constant state of panic and worry that my cancer will return. And believe me, I have and still sometimes do. As a life-long perfectionist, I can be incredibly hard on myself. I have a hard time letting go of things. But as part of my healing, I’m choosing to focus on embracing my imperfections and finding beauty in my scars. I’ve always viewed my scars as a sign of strength. They are little signposts letting others know, I’ve lived through this and you can too.

Nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.

In Zen philosophy, there are seven core principles of wabi-sabi:

• Kanso — simplicity

• Fukinsei — asymmetry or irregularity

• Shibumi — beauty in the understated

• Shizen — naturalness without pretense

• Yugen — subtle grace

• Datsuzoku — freeness

• Seijaku — tranquility

  The concept of wabi-sabi also has its roots in the traditional Japanese tea ceremony. To illustrate this philosophy in action, one is often told to think of a well-loved teacup, cracked and chipped through constant use. This helps remind us that nothing in life is permanent — even fixed objects change over time. Another great example of the concept of wabi-sabi is found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highlighted. This is not to say the artist was careless or unskilled (wabi-sabi isn’t an excuse for poor craftsmanship). Wabi-sabi draws attention to the cracks in a tea cup as part of the beauty of the imperfections.

The philosophy of wabi-sabi can be found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highlighted.

Learning to Let Go

 I’ve been doing my best to relax, slow down, step back from the world and find enjoyment and gratitude for the little things. I believe it comes down to your mindset. How you frame things or an experience as either positive or negative comes down to many factors. But I’ve learned the words you say matter and your intentions are incredibly powerful. Positive intentions have the power to transform your life and the lives of those around you.

 Nothing in life is without change. Wabi-sabi offers relief against the perils of constantly striving for perfection or having a hard time letting go of our past. This age-old wisdom teaches us that dynamic impermanence is the natural state of all things. And since change is inevitable, trying to hold on to the past or the present is pointless and causes needless stress.

Stability can make us feel safe but it is a shaky foundation because it is ultimately built on the misguided assumption that things won't change— because everything does. When a sudden change comes like a loss, a layoff or an illness, the shock can be overwhelming. I’ve learned firsthand that we are desperately trying to hang on to what we know in a crisis, it can knock us flat. But when we surrender to what is and accept what is happening (not necessarily happy or condoning it, simply remaining realistic about what is happening), our lives may still get turned upside down, but we can and often do recover sooner, when we learn to go with the flow of things.

It is through embracing our perfectly imperfect selves that true healing begins. So when I’m having a hard time or feeling stuck these days, I have started the practice of asking myself:

Am I acting in fear or with faith?

Am I part of the disease or part of the cure?

Try to remember this when you feel broken too.

"Even if you’re stubborn or moody or judgmental, I will love you anyway. And when I’m stubborn, moody, and judgmental I’ll try to do the same for myself. I’ll try to rise above petty thoughts and sweeping generalizations and keep sight of who you and I really are: good people who are doing our best to navigate a sometimes-painful world. Because we all stress and strain and struggle sometimes. We all get fed up, ticked off, and let down, and at times we all lash out. In these moments when we feel lost and down on ourselves, it helps to see ourselves through the eyes of someone who believes in us. And it helps to remember we’re not alone, and that someone else really cares." ~Lori Deschene

Sources:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/wabi-sabi-the-japanese-philosophy-for-a-perfectly-imperfect-life-11563e833dc0

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-embrace-imperfections-with-wabi-sabi