Worrier and Warrior: Between Grief and Gratitude

Photo credit: Antonio Jeneski

Some days I'm more of a worrier than a warrior.

Some days, hard as I try, I can't shake the heavy feeling of dread running through my body.

Most days, I find myself walking a thin line between grief and gratitude.

Don't get me wrong. I'm so incredibly thankful to still be here.

I do my best to praise God every day for the breath that fills my lungs. But no matter how much gratitude fills my heart, there is still a giant piece of me grieving how life used to be.

I'm grateful to be a cancer survivor, and in a few months, I am hoping to celebrate three years in remission.

And the longer I'm in remission, the more distant my treatment becomes.  

I remember right after I was diagnosed, a recent breast cancer survivor told me, "one day you will wake up, and cancer won't be the first thing on your mind."

That thought stuck with me through treatment and into remission. I continue to keep this in mind as a quiet gauge of my progress and recovery.

When you face a traumatic event like cancer, I've learned you often can't fully process or grasp what happened until long after the event has ended. I personally didn't start fully processing my cancer journey until my first year in remission.

After nearly a year of immunotherapy and cancer treatment, once my body was out of survival mode, it was time to heal. But how and where to begin?

I soon discovered the trauma of fighting cancer lasts long after treatment ends.

Still, three years after finishing treatment, the smell of rubbing alcohol is sometimes all it takes to put my body back in fight or flight mode. Any unusual aches or symptoms, and my mind immediately starts to panic.

 Is the cancer back? Is this a possible side effect from treatment?

Emotionally, I have been struggling with increased anxiety, anger and PTSD. Weekly therapy sessions have been helping me learn new strategies and techniques for coping with such intense emotions.

Online cancer support groups have been a tremendous resource, helping me connect with other fighters and survivors who genuinely understand my ongoing fears and concerns.

Thankfully, since having my port removed in August, my treatment has started to feel more and more like a distant memory. 

Some days, cancer is the furthest thing from my mind. 

Other days, when I'm jolted awake by a painful leg spasm, I'm reminded just how much my body has endured and that my journey is far from over. 

Since my treatment ended, I've been struggling with a variety of cardiovascular and neurological issues. Cancer drugs cause various long-term health effects, from brain and vision changes, heart and lung damage, to increased risk of secondary cancers and fertility issues. 

I've been struggling with neuromuscular and mobility issues the most. Getting diagnosed with dysautonomia and POTs helped explain some of my more concerning cardiac symptoms after treatment, but painful neuropathy in my arms and hands and chronic leg spasms have been debilitating at times. 

Physical therapy, medications, and supplements have helped provide a little relief, but I've come to accept some of these issues may be permanent, lasting effects of my treatment. 

At the end of 2020, my neurologist was concerned that my newly diagnosed dystonia and persistent neuromuscular and mobility issues could be a sign of early-onset Parkinson's disease. In December, I had a DAT scan of my brain that thankfully did not show evidence of Parkinson's. 

My first Botox treatment helped ease my chronic headaches and loss of mobility in my neck. However, the persistent issues I've been having with my legs require additional testing. Lower limb spasms are a common sign of Parkinson's but also common after cancer treatment.  

I have an EMG, a nerve conduction test this week to determine what exactly may be causing my frequent leg spasms. My next big scan to ensure I'm still in remission is coming up at the end of March. 

As I continue to move forward further into remission and recovery, I am learning:

 God draws straight with crooked lines.

Although I may not be where I wanted or hoped to be by now, I'm not where I used to be, either.  

Courage often sprouts in the depths of sorrow, and from painful beginnings come stronger roots.

 Without the darkness, we wouldn't see the light,

 Without sadness, we wouldn't know happiness.

 Without pain, we wouldn't find relief.

 Worrier and warrior—I can be both and still be hopeful. 

If you are looking for some additional support during these trying times, I highly recommend checking out these communities and groups: 

Cancer Blogs & Support Communities

I Had Cancer

Stupid Cancer 

Cancer Patient/ Survivor Facebook Support Community 

Taking Back Your Life After Cancer

General Support & Encouragement Facebook Group 

Encouragement During Uncertain Times 

Check out the podcast I recently recorded with the Hope Warrior Project to learn more about my journey and how online support communities have helped me cope with cancer and more.

Melanie Mogensen is a writer, wife, and mother of three who knows all too well how life can change in an instant. In late 2017, Melanie was diagnosed with St...

Related Blogs:

Overcoming The Trauma of Having Cancer

Still Cancer Free*: Coping with Side Effects of Cancer Treatment

Getting Diagnosed with Dystonia

Unpacking Grief: The Ball & The Box Analogy

Healing is Not Linear

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

Check out my resources for more blogs about my cancer journey.

Hope Grows in the Dark

I long to be like a sunflower...

Eternally happy and cheery

Quietly growing

Always reaching toward the heavens

Faithfully finding the light

Even when darkness and shadows abound.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.

Work and managing three kids eLearning from home has taken most of my attention. I’ve had little time or energy to focus on much else.

To be honest, I’ve been struggling to find the words to describe the whirlwind of thoughts I have constantly swirling in my head. But when things start to feel overwhelming, it’s usually a sign I need to disengage from the world for a bit and focus on my self-care.

In the past, I would try to turn to writing and blogging to cope with my intense feelings, but after hours in front of my computer every day, the last thing I want to do lately is to stare at another screen and type.

So instead, I turned to something I haven’t done in years… I started drawing.

I never considered myself much of an artist.

I haven’t drawn anything in years.

I believed I could hardly draw anything other than stick figures and a few basic shapes.

 But one day, as I was coloring with my kids and feeling a bit down, something changed.

At first, I decided to try to draw a landscape. I started with some trees, and before I knew it, I could feel my body relaxing and a smile spreading across my face as I continued to add more and more details to my drawing.

We had recently lost one of our beloved family pets. I was feeling pretty devastated over the loss, so I decided to turn my landscape into a picture of a reunion of all our family dogs meeting in heaven.

What started off being a simple drawing ended up being an emotional trip down memory lane. I dug out pictures of my old family pets to ensure I got all the details right. Before I knew it, my heart went from feeling heavy and broken to feeling full of laughter and love as my children, and I reminisced over all of our old pets.    

Drawings of our family dogs reuniting in heaven.

It’s been a long time since I gave myself the freedom to create without being overly critical of the outcome. To me, there is no better feeling than being able to let my mind freely wander, and my pen create. Once I was able to let go of judgment and replaced it with an openness to go with the flow and see where my creativity took me, I was amazed at what I was able to create.

 That drawing was the start of many more.

My husband is an incredible artist, and he was kind enough to get me started with some drawing supplies. I have always loved nature, so I decided to hone my drawing skills by drawing some of my favorite still life objects: flowers and trees.

This week I practiced drawing a sunflower—one of my favorite flowers.

The persistence of the sunflower seed, pushing through the dark soil and blossoming into the eternally, cheery sunflower inspired me to write the following post. 

Hope is a force that can’t always be seen.

Just as seeds do not question
the blackness that surrounds them
Darkness leads to powerful transformations.

When I struggle to find the light
Sunflowers faithfully remind me
To stand tall and trust the process.

Hope blossoms every time
I dust myself off and
fearlessly choose to try again.

I’m slowly learning…

Growth doesn’t stop in the dark.

Healing isn’t linear.
I can’t go beyond
if I don’t step within first.

An essential part of healing
is holding space
beyond the pain.

Through the uncertainty,
In the uncomfortable silence;
After unfathomable waiting,

Miracles are born.

While I’m worrying
God is always working.
⠀
Preparing me.
Providing for me.
Proving anything is possible.

Surviving Suicide: Overcoming Grief and Loss

Two?

People often find the news hard to believe.
It’s not the fact that I am a mom of three, including TWINS, that leaves them stunned.
It not that in just TWO days I will be cancer-free for two years now that leaves people speechless.
It’s the fact that I’ve lost two loved ones to suicide and nearly lost myself too.

My story is more than my journey with cancer.

My story is not one that I can easily share but I do my best to write and speak about it when I can because I know that’s one of the main reasons I’m still here.

A big part of my journey is overcoming the grief and heartache that comes with the pain of losing two loved ones to a tragedy that I now believe could have been preventable.

I was reminded about my family’s legacy of loss when I heard the news of a coworker’s unexpected death this week.

Due to the untimely and tragic nature of her passing, there was a lot of immediate speculation, shock and heartache as the news of her death spread.

The pain and stigma surrounding losing a loved one to suicide clouds their memory and makes their untimely passing so much harder to accept.

As if their death wasn’t hard enough, now you are faced with a new level of grief that few understand.

There are often no words for this type of loss.
Just like when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer—words can’t seem to touch the gravity of the situation.
So many of us are at a loss of what to do or what to say when it comes to mental health, especially our own.
We hide behind the “fines” and “I’m good.”
But if what’s going on in the world right now is teaching us anything is that at the most basic, primal level we are all in this together.

We are all scared out of our minds while doing our best just to survive.

Part of the reason I began blogging about my journey with cancer over three years ago was to also be able to open about my struggle with mental illness.

I started to speak up about mental health to help break through the silence and stigma around suicide that has taken far too many of our sons, daughters, sisters and brothers.

I continue to reach into my vault of heartache from my family’s legacy of loss because I believe my grief can be channeled for good.

I’m continuing to share my extraordinary losses and gains, whether they come in twos or more so that hopefully, one day, my words are met with a “me too”.

I keep sharing the uncomfortable details of my past that I wish I could lock away and forget about, because if it can help save just one life then it was worth it.

My journey with cancer and mental illness has taught me that many of us are fighting silent and invisible battles every day.

Some we lose. Some we win.
But our pain always has a purpose.
Sometimes you can’t find the words to say and that’s okay.

You don’t always need to know the right words to say.
Sometimes all you need to do is be brave enough to ask for help and to take it.
All it takes to help your family or friend who is struggling right now is an open mind and heart and the wilingness to listen to their concerns without judgment.

Check on your family and friends. Let them know they are not alone.

Reaching out today could create the ripple effect of kindness and bring the hope we all so desperately need.

*** If you or someone you love is struggling right now, please call ‪1-800-273-TALK‬ or text HOME to 741741

Taming and Coping With Anxiety

My heart is thumping so loud the sound is almost deafening.

It feels like my heart could burst out of my chest.

I want to crawl out of skin.

I’m not visibly sick.
But my anxiety is slowly, silently and I visibly draining the life out of me.

It feels like there is an elephant sitting on top of me.

It’s so hard to breathe.
It’s so hard to make the tears stop.
I want to scream but I’m often lost for words.

I want to be okay but honestly most days I’m not.

Some days all I can do is fake a smile.
Some days it takes all the strength I can muster just to take a shower.
Some days all I can do is try again tomorrow.

Anxiety is a beast.

It can be made bigger or smaller.
But it never really goes away.

Some days it feels like the overwhelming feeling is here to stay.
But just like any beast, I’ve found my anxiety can be tamed.

My anxiety doesn’t always have to run the show.
I have the power to turn my anxiety from useless to useful.
It’s simply a matter of perspective and control.

Anxiety is our body’s most basic tool.
A built in worry-bot to “always keep us safe,”
But our anxiety didn’t come with an instruction manual.
It’s up to us to learn from our anxiety.

What are our fears trying to tell us?

Knowing our triggers and how our brain copes and adjusts to our surroundings can help.

Most of all, it’s learning to ride the waves of uncertainty.

Accepting imperfection is a natural state of life.

It’s learning how to hold it together and breathe when all seems like it’s falling apart.

It’s looking down on my feet and focusing on the here and now because that’s all we can really control.

Anxiety may be ever present in our lives, but it doesn’t have to constantly overwhelm us.

I’m slowly accepting that anxiety will always be a part of me.
It just doesn’t have to be one of the biggest parts of me.

Warrior Mindset: Holding On For Them

On the days when I feel I can’t anymore, my children remind me what I’m fighting for and the endless possibilities the future holds.

Today I rose.

Not because it was easy.

But because of them.

I wanted so much to lie in bed.

I wanted to turn over, forget the world and fall fast asleep.

But I didn’t, because of them.

Their footsteps thunderously announced a new day had begun.

Their bright eyes and empty bellies demanded my full attention.

They still depend on me for so much.

To eat.

To feel safe.

To feel love.

To teach them about the world.

To show them the way.

Despite not knowing where we are headed.

Despite feeling lost and like I have no clue what I’m doing. 

Each morning, I rise for them.

My children remind me of my strength.

My children remind me of the endless possibilities that exist on the other side of pain.

My children remind me of my capacity to hurt and still love even harder.

So many days I feel like I’m drowning.

But their kisses are my lifeline.

Their belly laughs are my reward.

My children remind me that when two separate things become one—anything is possible.

My children remind me of my past but give me hope for the future.

My children remind me why I have to hold on harder on days I feel like giving up.

All that I ever hope for is that they know love.

All that I can ever show them is grace and the power of perseverance.

All that I’ll ever be is forever grateful God chose me to be their mom.

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Change Your Story, Change Your Life

History is constantly being written and revised. Don’t be afraid to pick up the pen.

Our stories give our lives meaning.

What story are you telling yourself?

What story are you telling others?

Do your thoughts echo your inner critic or are they your biggest cheerleader?

The stories we tell ourselves are connected to our past, yet they often limit our future.

What we believe is ultimately what we become.

Challenging and painful chapters make it harder for us to rewrite our story because we feel stuck.

I’ve often felt stuck in the past and powerless or even incapable of making a change.

Although we can’t change the past, I’ve found we must remember we have the power to rewrite our story.

Personal transformation begins with the stories we tell ourselves everyday.

The beautiful part of writing our stories is that you don't have to get it right the first time.

So don’t be afraid to revise your story.

You can stop to reread the last chapter, but always remember, it’s best to turn the page.

It’s never too late to reinvent yourself.

You can always rewrite the ending.

I’ve found you can write a happy ending with just three little words:

Things got better.

I survived cancer.

You can survive this.

Things will improve.

WE WILL OVERCOME.

What’s the happiest story you can write with just three words?

The Synchronicity of Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Me and my new lil’ ponytail rocked our first yoga sculpt class today.

It might seem silly to you to celebrate such a thing but for me taking a group fitness class is a HUGE step outside of my comfort zone.

 I’ve been doing light yoga, stretching and walking to help strengthen my body after treatment but this was the first time I have combined cardio, weights and yoga.

 I’ve been wanting to try this yoga studio for over a year, but my anxiety always got the best of me.

What if I can’t keep up?

I don’t really know all the positions that well. I’ll probably feel lost.

 I told myself it was better to practice my yoga at home until I built up more confidence. But yesterday, a friend asked me and few others to join us for this class because the studio offers a one-week free trial. I figured this was sign I NEEDED to go to this class.

 Right before class started, as I waited for my friend, my anxiety crept back in.

What if I get dizzy and have to stop?

What if I can’t do the weights?

Will my heart be able to handle this type of workout?

I hope no one notices me struggling.

 As class began, our instructor began talking about the Super Bowl and how our mindset can be what helps us or stops us from achieving our goals.

I decided that for this one hour I was going to simply try to challenge myself. I wanted to push my body to it’s limit to remind myself of my strength. I was going to avoid judging myself if I had to stop or take it easy.

 I ended up surprising myself with how well I was able to keep up despite my current health challenges. For one hour I got to forget about the port in my chest as I powered through the Standing Vinyasa Flow.

 Nearing the end of the hour, I felt the urge to check my apple watch as I grabbed a few sips of water.

 11:11 was the time.

 I smiled and looked at my friend who said, “This just keeps going. How much time is left?”

I laughed and told her, “it’s 11:11. Almost done!”

The Meaning of Synchronicity

Synchronicities of seeing repeating numbers like 11:11 when we check the time remind us to stop and observe our thoughts because our thoughts have the power to shape our reality.

The thoughts we think and the words we say are powerful. They can build us up or destroy us. They can lead to us achieving incredible things or they can hold us back from reaching our true potential.

This reminded of me when I played volleyball and how our coaches always drilled into our heads never to focus on the score.

We had to always play like it was 0 to 0.

We always had to believe we had a chance to make a comeback no matter how many points we were down.

The same is true in our lives. No matter what challenge we our facing: illness, change or loss, let us remember to focus on the possibilities of what could go right instead of worrying about what could go wrong.

Facing Our Shadow Side for Healing & Personal Growth

“How can I be substantial if I don’t cast a shadow? I must have a dark side if I am to be whole.”

— Carl Jung

Your shadow.

It’s always standing right behind you, just out of view.

Our shadow is our constant companion, yet it’s only fully visible when are standing in direct light.

Each year on February 2nd, we celebrate Groundhog Day, a tradition based on the superstition that determines the ending of winter by whether or not a groundhog sees its shadow.

For the groundhog, running from its shadow means a longer winter season. Similarly, when we fail to recognize and accept our shadow self–or our personal blind spots–we can unnecessarily prolong our suffering and unhappiness.

This tradition made me wonder, what can we gain by facing our shadow side— the things we believe are inferior or unacceptable about ourselves?

How Our Deepest Wounds Become Our Shadow

The shadow is a term coined by psychologist Carl Jung, and it refers to our deepest wounds. The wounds that have us believing we're flawed, unlovable, undeserving people.

Our psychological wounds are often created in childhood, but can sometimes develop later in life. Perhaps you were bullied or experienced a traumatic life event that created a wound. Other times, these wounds are cultural. They develop from prevailing social beliefs, such as the way money is often tied to self-worth.

So, what do we do with the messy, ugly thoughts and urges that just don’t fit with social expectations?

We deny and hide them, and they form our shadow side. Every single human being possesses this buried aspect of personality. As poet Robert Bly says in A Little Book of the Human Shadow, the child puts all of these unwanted parts into an invisible bag and drags it behind him. This repression of unwanted parts creates what psychologist Carl Jung called the personal shadow.

Everything we deny in ourselves—whatever we perceive as inferior, evil, or unacceptable—becomes part of our shadow self. Anything that doesn’t fit with our chosen conscious beliefs about ourselves gets put into this dark side of our personality.

In psychological terms, our shadow refers to everything we can’t see in ourselves. The shadow is the “dark side” of our personality because it consists mainly of primitive, negative emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, and the desire for power.

The Risk of Ignoring Your Shadow

The ancient Greeks understood the need to honor all of the parts of the psyche. For them, these parts were worshiped as autonomous gods and goddesses. The Greeks knew a god or goddess you ignored became the one who turned against you and destroyed you.

Jung believed our personal shadow is our disowned self. This shadow self represents the parts of us we no longer claim to be our own, including even some of our positive qualities. However, these unexamined or disowned parts of our personality don’t go anywhere. Although we deny them in our attempt to cast them out, we don’t actually get rid of them.

What Happens When You Repress Your Shadow

Every human being has a shadow side. Most of us go to great lengths to protect our self-image from anything unflattering or unfamiliar. So it’s often easier for us to observe someone else’s shadow before acknowledging our own shadow or negative behavior. However, whatever qualities we deny in ourselves, we will also find in others.

In psychology, this is called projection. We project onto others anything we bury within us. If, for example, you get irritated when someone is rude to you, there is a good chance you haven’t owned your own rudeness.

Any part we disown within us, eventually turns against us. Our personal shadow represents a collection of these disowned parts. Problems happen because our shadow side operates on its own, without our full awareness.

Remaining unconscious of our shadow self, often hurts our relationships with our spouses, family, and friends, and also impacts our professional relationships and leadership abilities.

We do things we wouldn’t voluntarily do and later regret. We say things we wouldn’t say. Our facial reactions express emotions we don’t consciously feel. We get triggered by someone else’s actions because deep down we are denying that behavior in ourselves.

Repressing our negative aspects can lead to physical illness, depression, anxiety, divorce, insomnia, chronic pain and even an untimely death.

This is because pushing away parts of our true selves is stressful, exhausting and uses up energy that we need to live healthy lives.

Benefits of Jungian Shadow Work

Dragging around this invisible bag of stuff behind us is physically draining. It is exhausting work to continually repress all the parts of ourselves that we don’t want to face. Mentally suppressing our negative aspects can also lead to physical pain and disease.

With Jungian shadow work, you can free a tremendous amount of energy you were unconsciously investing in protecting yourself. This can improve your physical, mental, and emotional health.

For example, Dr. John Sarno has healed thousands of patients of chronic back pain by helping them acknowledge the repressed rage in their unconscious. Dr. Sarno’s book reveals how many painful conditions-including most neck and back pain, migraine, repetitive stress injuries, whiplash, and tendonitis are rooted in repressed emotions, and shows how they can be successfully treated without drugs, physical measures, or surgery.

Working On Our Shadows

It is believed that our shadow side is a reflection of our power, honesty and passion. If we want to feel whole and balanced and to continue growing and truly heal, we must begin by making friends with our negative side.

The first step in shadow work is to become aware of ongoing patterns in your life. Do you consistently encounter the same problems or experience recurring feelings? These patterns can help to highlight your shadow.

Common shadow beliefs include:

• I am not good enough.

• I am unloveable.

• I am flawed.

• My feelings are not valid.

• I must take care of everyone around me

• Why can't I just be normal?

Exploring your shadow can lead to greater authenticity, creativity, energy, and personal clarity and happiness. Shadow work can bring you inner strength and a greater sense of balance, making you better equipped to take on life’s challenges.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”-Carl Jung

Jungian therapy teaches that self-awareness and acceptance are the keys to balancing the conscious and subconscious aspects of ourselves.

One way we can start embracing our shadow side is by becoming more consciously aware of our thoughts and interactions with others.

By becoming more mindful of our thoughts we can learn to simply observe and not react to situations that previously triggered negative behavior or the shadow aspects of ourselves.

A good way to practice being more mindful is to simply:

Treat your thoughts as if they are clouds floating by in the sky. Let them come and go but do not judge or try to fight them. Simply accept and appreciate them for what they are.

Facing our shadow is rewarding, yet challenging life-long work. A big part of healing and finding more peace is doing shadow work. Once you become aware of how your shadow beliefs are holding you back from living your fullest life, you can consciously change your behavior and, in doing so, change your life.

Sources:

A Definitive Guide to Jungian Shadow Work: How to Get to Know and Integrate Your Dark Side” Scott Jeffrey

A Little Book on the Human Shadow Robert Bly

The Mindbody Prescription: Healing the Body, Healing the Pain John E. Sarno M.D. 

Here for Life

 As the wind and rain scatter seeds that bloom into flowers, spring is a time for growth, renewal and the celebration of life.

Springtime, especially the month of May,  has always been a special time for me and my family. From meeting my husband to birthing my twins and going into remission —the month of May brings lots to celebrate and be grateful for.  

May also brings Mother’s Day, a time of remembering and celebrating the moms and special women who have shaped our lives.

Just as Mother Nature brings forth new life each spring, in becoming a mother to my three beautiful children, I’ve learned that motherhood is a time when we are called to be both a vessel and to be a passage. No matter the length of time, whether you carry a child in your womb or now in your heart—both ache the same. To be a mother is to pour yourself out over and over out of love. To let yourself be broken open so that others might draw forth life.

I’ve come to realize that regardless of whether or not we are mothers—all of us are vessels in some way. Just as a mother’s body brings forth new life; we all carry things—both tangible and intangible within us throughout our lives. They are the seeds and weeds that build us up and weigh us down. At times they can even break us wide open. Some of them are unwanted. Some of them we’re not even sure how they got there.

Over time this emotional cargo builds quietly and steadily that often, we often don’t even realize how heavy the weight we carry has become. Day after day, week after week, year after year, it slowly mounts on our backs, our hearts and the recesses of our minds. Over time, we begin to wonder why we are so tired or why we feel so emotionally worn-out. This is because we often underestimate the weight of the things we carry within us. We feel the consequences, but don’t know the root of the suffering. The question soon becomes, how do we solve this? How do we begin to unload such a burden?

Just like the moon, we all go through periods of emptiness, to be full again.

Some things we may be able to get rid of— we can unload some of the weight. Some of our loads are more noticeable than others. Some of the things we carry are given to us, placed upon us, sometimes even dumped on us. These are the things we don’t have any control over. They often have deep roots in our family trees. These are the things that we carry that our parents or other family members gave us. Things we’d never choose to carry on our own like traumatic loss, mental illness, or abuse from a family member.

Some of the things we carry, like suicide, will be with us forever.

 The impact of this type of loss carries a strange kind of presence. However, I have come to learn that the only way to carry the gravity of this immense loss is by accepting and surrendering to the pain so that you can move through it rather than constantly fight against it.  

May is also Mental Health Awareness Month.

Nearly 20 years ago it was in May that my family first encountered the tragic effects of suicide. In late May of 2000, my aunt, a former police officer, lost her battle with depression. My aunt’s tragic death sent shockwaves of grief and depression rippling through my family. It is said that the person who dies by suicide dies once, but those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand…why?


While we may never know or fully comprehend the ‘why’ behind a tragedy like suicide, it’s important as survivors to change the “Whys” to “What can I do now?” by taking action and getting more involved in our local communities. The reality is 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. (46.6 million) experiences mental illness in a given year, and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for people age 10 to 34.  I truly believe it is by raising awareness for mental health that we are able to help establish broader community support for those struggling with mental illness.

I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by incredibly strong and resilient women my whole life.

Women who continue to love openly and deeply, even though their hearts have been shattered by unimaginable loss with the untimely deaths of their children. Yet, despite their inconceivable grief and pain, they continue on, grounded in part by their unshakable faith and the love and support from their family and friends.

Grief over losing a loved one knows no timetable, especially when they pass tragically. Losing a loved one to suicide compounds this by adding another layer of confusion, shame and guilt that they missed the signs or could have done something to prevent it.

 It’s for this reason that I dusted off my running shoes and ran in my first 5K this weekend—SPS Services of America’s Here for Life Run in honor of suicide prevention. While at times I walked more than I ran, no matter how small the step or slow the pace, any forward movement is progress and one step closer to becoming whole again.  I’ve come to learn that whether you carry your life or your life carries you, in the end, all that matters is whether or not you are going in the right direction.

We all struggle but we don’t have to face our struggles alone. 

Although the stigma surrounding mental illness often urges us to remain silent, it is only by sharing our struggles and our triumphs over our mental hurdles that we gain true resilience while helping others in the process.

Overcoming cancer and battling my own mental health struggles has taught me that we all go through periods of losing ourselves…only to find ourselves again.

I have learned that like the moon, I too must be empty and almost invisible so that I can grow to be glowing and full again.

The feeling of extreme emptiness comes in many forms.

Some call it depression. Loss. Others call it grief.  

No matter what we call it—we all face similar struggles. The older we get, the more we lose; this is the law of impermanence. We lose loved ones, cherished dreams, physical strength, work, and relationships. Often, it seems like loss upon loss. All these losses bring up enormous grief that we must be prepared to embrace completely if we are to live with open hearts.

Ram Dass and other spiritual teachers often encourage us to surrender to the experience of our pain and grief.

They say that to counteract our natural tendency to turn away from pain, we must open to it as fully as possible and allow our hearts to break. We must take enough time to remember our losses –friends or loved ones who pass away, the death of long-held hopes or dreams, the loss of homes, careers, or health we may never get back again. Rather than close ourselves to grief, it helps to realize that we only grieve for what we love.

Grief passes in time— yet the time it takes varies by person. 

It is often said that the grief process is more like a spiral, bringing us to a place of release, decreasing for a time, then continuing on a deeper level. Many times when we are grieving, we think that it’s over, only to find ourselves swept away by another wave of intense feeling. Over time we soon realize that these deep feelings don’t disappear completely; the pain of their loss merely transforms us. Ultimately, we soon realize love is stronger than death, and our loved ones are indeed still with us—just in a different form.

Life is full of peaks and valleys; unfortunate twists and turns. Highs and lows. Death and rebirth.

Time and time again we are forced to make difficult decisions and say goodbye to those we love. We are repeatedly broken apart, over and over, and through the cracks we catch glimpses of the mysteries of living and dying.

The cycles of nature remind us that nothing is permanent, and although we may be in the midst of a difficult season right now, relief will soon be here; if we just hang on a little longer.

While the things we carry may define us, we are equally capable of defining them. Whether we are currently weighed down with depression, anxiety, loss or illness; ultimately the first step to relieving our burden is opening up to it.

It is only by opening up to these emotions and fully feeling them, that we are able to move past them.  I’ve found by opening myself up and sharing my story; my struggles with depression, anxiety, suicide and loss, it helps ease the burdens of others and lightens the weight on my shoulders too.

“Maybe I can’t stop the downpour, but I will always join you for a walk in the rain.

”

Read More about Coping with Grief on my blog, Unpacking Grief: The Ball & The Box Analogy.

Sources:

Mental Health By the Numbers- NAMI

Ram Dass Meditates on Learning to Grieve- Ram Dass

Perfectly Imperfect

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.” Shakespeare

What matters is what something is, not what it is called. Though our bodies may be scarred from treatment or worn-out from illness, our spirit is eternal and ultimately unshakeable. We must remember, above else we are SURVIVORS. Although we may feel broken at times, our imperfections often highlight our true essence when we are brave enough to peel back the layers of scar tissue. We can discover that at our core lies incredible strength and resilience against any adversity.

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There have been many times in my life where I’ve felt irreparably damaged and broken. Whether it was after learning I had cancer or simply something I did or said, there have been plenty of times where I wish I could rewind the clock. It would take everything in my power not to run and hide because I’m was so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed by something I said, did —  or perhaps failed to do.

But the thing I’ve discovered about shame is that it thrives in silence. It tries to will you to remain silent because of the fear you won’t be accepted. Your imperfections are too much and will make others uncomfortable so it is better to hide them away. Shame also causes you to endlessly cycle through your past actions looking for reasons why something happened, some explanation to make sense of the chaos of the all the stirred-up emotions guilt can bring. However, the most important thing my mistakes have taught me over time is that there is true power when you freely admit the things you’ve said or done wrong, then take steps to remedy the situation. I believe it is only through awareness and acceptance that we are truly able to grow and heal.

I recently learned about the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi and have been trying to apply this concept to my daily life as I work on recovering from my recent cancer treatment. The truth is getting cancer in my 30s, as a young wife and mother, opened my eyes and gave me a glimpse into my mortality. No matter how you slice it, getting diagnosed with any life-changing illness is a wake-up call. It forces you to reexamine your life and your priorities in ways you never thought you would have imagined. In many ways, cancer has caused me to hit my internal reset button and become fully committed to improving my health, balance and overall wellness, both physically and mentally.

The Japanese Philosophy of Wabi-Sabi

Wabi-sabi means a state of acceptance for the imperfections in life. Wabi-sabi encourages us to focus on the blessings hiding in our daily lives, celebrating the way things are, rather than how they should be. Because when you appreciate everything, the good and the bad, you are appreciating the flow of life.

According to Mike Sturm, “Wabi-sabi is about accepting yourself and building on what you already have in life.  Embracing wabi-sabi is as easy (or as difficult) as understanding and accepting yourself — imperfections and all. It’s about being compassionate with yourself as you are and building on whatever that is — not feverishly trying to rebuild yourself to pose as something else entirely.”

 Wabi-sabi is timeless wisdom that values tranquility, harmony, beauty and imperfection, and it can also strengthen your resilience in the face of materialism and as well as during turbulent times.

I could focus on the whys. I could fret about the how’s. I could live in a constant state of panic and worry that my cancer will return. And believe me, I have and still sometimes do. As a life-long perfectionist, I can be incredibly hard on myself. I have a hard time letting go of things. But as part of my healing, I’m choosing to focus on embracing my imperfections and finding beauty in my scars. I’ve always viewed my scars as a sign of strength. They are little signposts letting others know, I’ve lived through this and you can too.

Nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.

In Zen philosophy, there are seven core principles of wabi-sabi:

• Kanso — simplicity

• Fukinsei — asymmetry or irregularity

• Shibumi — beauty in the understated

• Shizen — naturalness without pretense

• Yugen — subtle grace

• Datsuzoku — freeness

• Seijaku — tranquility

  The concept of wabi-sabi also has its roots in the traditional Japanese tea ceremony. To illustrate this philosophy in action, one is often told to think of a well-loved teacup, cracked and chipped through constant use. This helps remind us that nothing in life is permanent — even fixed objects change over time. Another great example of the concept of wabi-sabi is found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highlighted. This is not to say the artist was careless or unskilled (wabi-sabi isn’t an excuse for poor craftsmanship). Wabi-sabi draws attention to the cracks in a tea cup as part of the beauty of the imperfections.

The philosophy of wabi-sabi can be found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highlighted.

Learning to Let Go

 I’ve been doing my best to relax, slow down, step back from the world and find enjoyment and gratitude for the little things. I believe it comes down to your mindset. How you frame things or an experience as either positive or negative comes down to many factors. But I’ve learned the words you say matter and your intentions are incredibly powerful. Positive intentions have the power to transform your life and the lives of those around you.

 Nothing in life is without change. Wabi-sabi offers relief against the perils of constantly striving for perfection or having a hard time letting go of our past. This age-old wisdom teaches us that dynamic impermanence is the natural state of all things. And since change is inevitable, trying to hold on to the past or the present is pointless and causes needless stress.

Stability can make us feel safe but it is a shaky foundation because it is ultimately built on the misguided assumption that things won't change— because everything does. When a sudden change comes like a loss, a layoff or an illness, the shock can be overwhelming. I’ve learned firsthand that we are desperately trying to hang on to what we know in a crisis, it can knock us flat. But when we surrender to what is and accept what is happening (not necessarily happy or condoning it, simply remaining realistic about what is happening), our lives may still get turned upside down, but we can and often do recover sooner, when we learn to go with the flow of things.

It is through embracing our perfectly imperfect selves that true healing begins. So when I’m having a hard time or feeling stuck these days, I have started the practice of asking myself:

Am I acting in fear or with faith?

Am I part of the disease or part of the cure?

Try to remember this when you feel broken too.

"Even if you’re stubborn or moody or judgmental, I will love you anyway. And when I’m stubborn, moody, and judgmental I’ll try to do the same for myself. I’ll try to rise above petty thoughts and sweeping generalizations and keep sight of who you and I really are: good people who are doing our best to navigate a sometimes-painful world. Because we all stress and strain and struggle sometimes. We all get fed up, ticked off, and let down, and at times we all lash out. In these moments when we feel lost and down on ourselves, it helps to see ourselves through the eyes of someone who believes in us. And it helps to remember we’re not alone, and that someone else really cares." ~Lori Deschene

Sources:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/wabi-sabi-the-japanese-philosophy-for-a-perfectly-imperfect-life-11563e833dc0

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-embrace-imperfections-with-wabi-sabi

It's Okay Not to Feel Okay

When you’re struggling with a severe illness, injury or loss, people will often tell you to “Stay, strong” or “Be positive.” And while strength and positivity certainly help tremendously in overcoming our struggles, it is perfectly alright to admit you are not okay.

I was reminded of this while have having lunch with my husband the other day. Over bites of our sandwiches, he lovingly looked at me and said, “You know, you don’t always have to be strong.”

Admittedly, those were words I needed to hear.

For most of my life I have been afraid of showing my emotions. For a long time, I also believed that I was incapable of controlling my emotions. I lived in fear of my “dark side” being exposed. I knew all to well the nasty road anxiety, fear, depression and guilt can lead you down.  And I was afraid that if I admitted or recognized my weaknesses they would grow to overwhelm me.

But I’ve come to learn that recognizing your feelings is how you actually learn to control them. By choosing to honor the feeling that you are experiencing—whether it is anxiety, fear, guilt or sadness—and not trying to numb or push the uncomfortable feelings away, you can ultimately learn how to calm and manage your emotions. So, in honor of Mental Health Awareness Week, I’d like to share some tips and strategies that have helped me in hopes they can help you too.

What is an emotion?

First, I feel it’s important to define what exactly an emotion is. An emotion is a vibration you feel in your body which is created by your mind. So, in other words, an emotion is a physical sensation that is caused by your mind. Or more simply: emotions are created by your thoughts.

You have control over your emotions.

Emotions are created in response to your thoughts. And you have quite a bit of control over what thoughts you think. Which means you have some degree of control over your emotions. In fact, even just being aware of your emotions on a conscious level can significantly change the way you experience an emotion. Many times, what we interpret as a physical sensation is actually an emotion. For example, you may interpret the feeling or sensation of hollowness in your stomach as being hungry, even though you’re actually feeling bored but not consciously aware of the emotion.

Resisting feeling an emotion can lead to more problems.

Resisting the emotion is a very common response. We may try to suppress the emotion or distract ourselves from feeling it. The self-help world refers to this as buffering.  Examples of buffering include shopping, drinking alcohol, gambling, eating and even working to avoid feeling the emotion. None of these behaviors are intrinsically bad, but when they are used to avoid experiencing our emotions, the end result is negative.

Consciously experiencing an emotion is something many people struggle with. But being intentionally aware of your emotions allows you to fully enjoy the positive emotions while moving through the negative emotions more quickly. Buffering or avoiding emotions, on the other hand, keeps you from processing those negative emotions (and from being fully aware of positive emotions). This doesn’t make the negative emotions go away—you’re just avoiding them.

Learn to tune into your emotions and honor how you are feeling.

Let’s face it. Emotions can be uncomfortable so learning to intentionally focus on what you are feeling takes some practice. Here are some strategies to help you get in touch with how you’re truly feeling about a situation:

• Try to name the emotion. This will help bring conscious awareness to the emotion.

• Do a thought download. Write down your stream-of-consciousness (i.e. every thought that pops into your head) for 3-5 minutes. This will help you to access the thoughts that aren’t conscious, but that are affecting the way you feel.

• Take some time out to process. Often we try to avoid thinking, because we’re trying to avoid the emotion. Writing in a journal or taking some quiet time to yourself allows you to be mentally present.

Remember, your emotions can’t hurt you.

So often, we are terrified of feeling emotions. We will usually do anything in our power to avoid feeling unpleasant— even if that discomfort will only last a short time. Which is interesting, if you think about it. If you knew you would have to feel terrified for five minutes, but nothing bad would happen to you, you could do that, right? After all, an emotion is just a vibration in your body. It can’t actually hurt you. And just because we are feeling scared or worried now, it’s important to remember this feeling is only temporary.

Through the events in our lives, both good and bad, we ultimately learn who we are and what makes us tick. Life is not about creating happily ever after—it’s about taking it one day at a time and accepting that we will all go through times when we won’t feel happy. And THAT is perfectly okay.

Sources:

Dr. Jennifer Greer

Peaks and Valleys

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When I was a little girl, my grandmother would always tell me when I was discouraged or facing a difficult time, “Life is just peaks and valleys, this too will pass.” The older I’ve grown, the more I’ve come to realize how wise and true that statement really is.

Life definitely has its ups and downs for all of us. We all experience the good “peaks” from time to time like new jobs, relationships, and babies. Then there are the “valleys” we must face—losing loved ones, jobs, or becoming sick or injured. We all have those times that try our patience and test our faith. Life definitely hits in waves and can knock us off our feet, but it is up to us to keep swimming and go with the flow. I firmly believe we have to learn to surrender to what is in order to achieve what could be.

 I think having this duality—this mixture of good and bad is what helps us to appreciate and give meaning to our lives. For just as without the blackness of night, we would be unable to see the beauty of stars, this dichotomy helps to shape us and mold our character. Because if life was all sunshine and rainbows all the time, what would we learn?

In other words, it’s the really the bad times we should embrace and be thankful for because they are what helps us to appreciate the good times. It’s a hard lesson to always remember when you’re in the midst of a seemingly negative event, like having cancer, but it’s so incredibly important.

Since the day I found out I had cancer right before my 32nd birthday, I made a silent promise to myself and my family that my story isn’t over yet and I would do everything in my power to have this experience make me BETTER not bitter.

I’m not one for tattoos because of my tendency to pass out with needles, but if I were to get one it would incorporate the phrase “WARR;OR.” The semicolon in replace of the “I” in the word warrior would be to pay tribute to  Project Semicolon to honor my battles with cancer and bipolar disorder.  

To me, a warrior is an individual with incredible strength who is extraordinarily brave. These individuals fight difficult battles and endure terrible pain. Even though a warrior is strong and brave, sometimes the battles and pain they endure cause them to fall, but only for a brief moment. Warriors may fall, but they always get back up and keep fighting.

 I believe we each have an insurmountable strength and exceptional bravery deep inside of us. Every time we choose to do something extremely brave or strong, we are a warrior.

This is especially true for those among us with mental illness, who fight a difficult battle every day, enduring pain of the body, mind, and spirit. We are strong and brave and yet sometimes the battles we fight and the pain we feel causes us to fall— but only for a short time. Still, because we are warriors, we get back up and keep fighting.

With mental illness, we fight every day to get out of bed, take care of our bodies and protect our minds from the torpedo of emotion brought on by disorders. We fight for control over our lives when our mental illness tries to take that control away from us.

The battle is exhausting and can leave us feeling weak and tired. Sometimes, the battle seems too grueling, too much for us to handle. It’s those times we warriors fall slightly and contemplate what it would mean to not have to fight anymore.

Many mental health warriors have lost their battle, and many of us sometimes wish we would. Sometimes, we just want to find an end to our suffering. Sometimes, we are too tired to be strong, too broken to be brave. We let our thoughts of giving up consume our strong and capable minds until those thoughts become a battle themselves. Then, we have to fight to stay alive. As we fight for our lives, we look to one little symbol, one small weapon, to give us hope and restore our strength.

The semicolon is our symbol of strength and hope. It is our small weapon against suicidal thoughts and ideation. The semicolon is used when an author chooses not to end a sentence. In our case, the sentence is our life, and we are the writers. We look to the semicolon to remind us we can’t end our sentence and to gain hope and inspiration through its meaning. The semicolon means keep going, don’t give up and don’t stop writing.

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced the polarity of emotions and my existence. I’ve personally been so depressed and hopeless, I’ve contemplated taking my life. I’ve also fought with every fiber of my being to stay on this Earth for my family. In this way, having cancer and bipolar disorder has given me a unique perspective. I know what it’s like to be in so much physical and emotional pain you just want to find peace, even if that means taking your own life. And I know what it’s like to be told in the seemingly prime of your life you might die. I’ve also lost loved ones to suicide.

But I’m here to tell you I’m so happy I kept fighting. And if you happen to be battling demons no one else seems to know about or understand, I’m here to tell you that you are enough, and if you can just hold on a little longer it WILL get better. 

 You matter. Your story matters. After all, don’t you want to see how your story COULD end? There could be some twists and turns you weren’t expecting. =)

Life surely hits in waves but with the right mentality, we can stand whatever storm comes our way. I believe the key to weathering the storm is to find meaning within the adversity we are facing. As quoted from Dr. Viktor Frankl in my previous post, “We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation—just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer—we are challenged to change ourselves.”

For I cannot change that I was born with genes that made me susceptible to developing both cancer and bipolar disorder. It’s just the hand that I was dealt. But I can change my perspective and I can use my journey to hopefully help to ease the burdens of others. I hope my story can show that just because you've been "diagnosed" with something serious like mental illness or cancer, it's not a death sentence. It's just one chapter in your story. 

My journey is far from over but today was another “peak” along the way. I found out that my stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma has resolved itself after threes months of immunotherapy and two cycles of chemotherapy. I still have several months of chemotherapy left before I finish treatment but I can officially say I’m in remission!

So to all my fellow warriors, keep fighting. Don’t give up. Keep writing your story. You never know what twists, turns or surprise characters may be just around the corner.

Sources:

The Mighty

Project Semicolon

 If you need to talk to someone immediately, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and the Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741741.

How are you doing?

­­­­How are you doing?­­­­­

It’s a question we a­­­­­­­­­­sk others nearly every day of our life. But do we ever truly mean it?

If the person you asked suddenly started honestly telling you how they are feeling, would you stick around and listen or would you politely try to excuse yourself from the conversation?

Since I was diagnosed with cancer, this question has taken on a new meaning in my life. Now, I’m no longer afraid to admit how I really feel when someone asks. Cancer gives me the opportunity to be honest, no matter how uncomfortable the situation or the truth might be. My main focus is surviving. The rest is just minor details.

But I know not everyone has the luxury of telling those around them how they are truly feeling without fear of judgment or abandonment. You see, when someone used to ask me how I was doing, I would usually say “fine.” I’d politely ask how they were doing and then go on my way. I’d never admitted how much I was struggling. How plain exhausted I was. How lonely I was. How scared. How I had just sat in my car for 30 minutes wracked with anxiety trying to get up enough courage to walk through the door. How I had needed a pep talk from my husband that day just to get up and go to work. No. It was easier to say, “I’m fine” and continue on my way.

It was easier to not let people in too close. Since I was diagnosed bipolar at age 15, I built walls around myself. I found it was easier to isolate myself than risk embarrassing myself or my family by some of my wild or atypical outgoing behavior.

Maintaining relationships is one of the hardest parts of being bipolar. Finding people who you can trust and depend on to help you through your low points, as well as the highs, is critical to your well-being.

Recently, after we started telling friends and family about my cancer, I was struck by the outpouring of love and support for not only me but my entire family. People offered to cook meals, watch my children and take me to doctor appointments.  I’ve never felt more loved and supported in my entire life.

Then I thought about all those that have mental disorders, IBS, autism and other invisible illnesses. I thought about how so many of our friends, family members are silently suffering on the inside but may look perfectly fine on the outside. I thought about how difficult it is to open up to others when you are suffering. How difficult it is to ask for help. How difficult it is to reach out.

But, how great would it be, when you dared to open up and tell your family and friends about your disorder, if their first response was, “I’m sorry you have to deal with that. How can I help?” How great would it be if your family and friends offered to cook you meals and take care of you or your children when you were feeling tired and overwhelmed?

You too would see that you matter. That you are loved. That this will pass. You are supported and will get through this. That alone could save a life.

Too often people with mental disorders, whether it’s anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder or others, feel isolated and alone in their suffering. They feel like a burden to their friends and family who can’t seem to understand why they just can’t get over it and move on.

So if your family member or friend has depression, anxiety or another mental disorder, I encourage you to reach out and ask that person regularly, how they are doing and mean it. LISTEN. Just sit there and listen to them. Try to listen without judgment. And at times when they are feeling low, a hug means more than any words you could possibly say.  At the end of the day, we all just want to be listened to and to feel we are not alone.

You have the power to make someone’s day better just by genuinely asking how they are doing and taking the time to truly listen to what they have to say.