The Power of Growing Slowly

365 days of hair growth in this picture. (May 8, 2019-May 8, 2020)

“Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still. ”

— Chinese Proverb

There is power in growing slowly.

Losing my hair to cancer two years ago taught me that moving on and returning to our old ways is not always possible— but moving forward is.

Watching my hair gradually grow back has taught me that growth is not always measurable, but whether we realize it or not…

Each day we are constantly changing.

But it’s how we measure our personal growth that makes all the difference.

Real growth is not always visible.

After my treatment ended, I so desperately wished I could snap my fingers and my life and appearance would return to my “normal” pre-cancer days but watching my slowly grow back has taught me a valuable lesson in patience and self-love.

Transformation takes time and when we focus too much on our end goals, we miss out on the process of growing.

We tend to overlook our tiny successes because we become frustrated, we haven’t achieved our end goal yet.

Life doesn’t always give us want we want; but when we look closely enough, we can see we are always being given opportunities to grow.

And our growth often occurs in darkness.

Just as a tiny seed struggles to reach the light; our challenges often push us out of our comfort zones and require us to adapt, grow or fall behind.

And this growth is hard.

Sometimes it feels like parts of us are dying.

Maybe those parts are dying.

But from the remains of what was, we can start to rebuild our lives.

This last year taught me that the in-between stages are some of the hardest parts of growth.

But when we are being stretched and challenged in a new way and pushed far out of our comfort zones—that’s when the most growth happens.

All of us must continuously grow and adapt throughout our lives.

Slowing down enough to enjoy the process of learning and growing helps us find joy in our individual journeys.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how you grow or how long it takes; all that matters is that you are growing.

May we continue to grow in faith and not fear.

May the love in our hearts and for one another continue to expand.

May we continue to move forward; despite all the obstacles in our path.

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On May 1, 2020 I was blessed to be able to celebrate 2 years cancer-free!

Here is a look back at some of the highlights from the last two years of my journey:

Coping with Hair Loss

Coping with the hair loss and regrowth from my battle with Stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma never gets easier. But losing my hair has helped me appreciate all that I have and my capacity for regrowth.

“When is your hair gonna grow back mommy?”

I touch the ends of my growing bob and say,

“I think it’s getting pretty long, don’t you think?”

My daughter’s bright eyes start to dim as she shakes her head yes.

“But I like it the way it used to be…when it was longer,” she says. 

The truth is, my children see my hair as a sign of my health. 

The longer mom’s hair is, the healthier I am and the more my cancer treatment is becoming a distant memory. 

Although I’m now two years into my remission, dealing with the hair loss and coping with the awkward stages of hair regrowth never seems to get easier. 

My children have every right to miss the old mommy.

I still miss the old me. 

Sometimes I hardly recognize my own reflection.  

My hair is now shorter, darker. 

My body is covered with more scars. 

My hands sometimes struggle to grasp items or do simple tasks.

My mind constantly battles with the extreme fear of relapse and the hope of long-term remission.

Pain has become a familiar companion. 

But that pain has slowly led me to my purpose. 

The constant fear of not knowing what is next has made me all the more grateful for what I have in front of me and all around me right now. 

Sometimes the worst things that happen to us can set the stage for the best things that will ever happen to us. 

Sometimes the only way to truly understand something is to experience it for yourself. But with the right shift in perspective, I have found you can turn even the most difficult tests and circumstances into your biggest personal triumphs.

Learning to recognize the blessings in disguise that fill your life is an important part of healing. 

Cancer exposed all my weaknesses and my greatest fears, but it has also helped me discover my passions and live more purposefully too.    

Losing my hair allowed me to glimpse the parts of me I’ve tried so hard to ignore and keep hidden.

Losing my hair helped me realize who I am and who I hope to become.

Losing my hair helped me appreciate my own beauty despite my ever-changing appearance. 

Losing my hair gave me the confidence to bravely and authentically face the world.

Losing my hair helped me to be more comfortable in my own skin and get ready in record time. 

Losing my hair told me there is always a silver lining in a situation if you look hard enough. 

Losing my hair helped me realize, whether you are bald or blessed with beautiful flowing tresses—the length of our hair does not matter in the end.

Beauty can still be found when you’re feeling broken.

Growth is messy and recovery takes time. 

It’s often a mix of forward motion and then two steps backward. 

Yet, just as painstakingly slow as hair grows, progress is always being made whether we realize it or not. 

It’s usually only after we stop and look back that we realize just how far we’ve come. 

My journey with cancer and beyond has taught me that even the most negative moment can still lead to a positive outcome.   

 Looking at our losses as “blessings in disguise” allows us to see the underlying lessons when horrible and tragic events happen. When we view the awful things in our lives as teachers instead, we begin to see the situation in a new light.

 So the next time you find yourself in a bad, difficult or unfortunate situation, pause and ask yourself, “What is this trying to teach me?“

 I’ve found the moment we look for the lesson, the situation usually starts to resolve itself and we start to heal.

Tragic and difficult events often teach us to be grateful for our lives.

We tend to take life for granted, only to discover how magical and fragile it can be during times of crisis and loss. Looking for the blessings in disguise during difficult times helps develop our capacity for gratitude. While I never would have planned or hoped to lose my hair, looking back I now see I’ve gained far more than I’ve ever lost.

More posts on Coping with Hair Loss from Treatment:

Ponying Up: Copying with Hair Loss & Regrowth

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Ponying Up: Coping with Hair Loss & Regrowth

“Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still.” - Chinese Proverb

It’s not just a ponytail.

From my roots to my wiry ends,

Each strand on my head has survived to tell quite a tale.

It took two full years to get to this point.

Through many cycles of death and regrowth.

Wispy and wild, to shaved mullet and the ‘mom bob’,

No choice but to make peace with my changing appearance.

The mirror, both friend and foe,

Reflecting just how much everything has changed.

Strands turned into clumps;

Clumps soon became handfuls.

Losing a little bit of myself with each broken strand.

“It’s just hair.”

I tried to reassure myself.

“It will grow back.”

Healthier, thicker, maybe even a different color?

“All this hair loss means the chemo is really working.”

I tried hard to find the silver lining.

Not having to pay to get my hair colored or highlighted.

Not having to spend hours dying, styling and fussing with it.

All the time and money I saved.

My hair is a crowning achievement of womanhood.

Losing my hair meant saying goodbye

To the version of ME

I had known my entire life.

Accepting the painful reality,

The cancer patient in the mirror is really me,

Head wraps, scarves and beanies,

Painting in my eyebrows, ensuring my wig’s always secure.

How I longed to be able to run my fingers through my hair without the fear of falling clumps.

How I missed being able to tie my hair back and let it down after a long day.

How I forgot the feeling of my ponytail swaying with my every move.

 No, it’s not just another ponytail.

Every inch is a marker of progress and a sign of resilience.

From the turmoil of what was; the new me is taking shape.

After unimaginable pain and destruction,

Change has taken root.

It’s not just another ponytail.

Each millimeter of hair growth,

A tangible symbol of healing and progress.

One step closer to long-term remission,

Transforming my treatment into a distant memory.

It’s not just a ponytail.

It’s more than just hair.

It’s a symbol of hope,

Reminding us that our comeback

Will always be greater than our setback.

Hair Today. Gone Tomorrow.

My hair loss journey from Stage 3 Classical Hodgkin Lymphoma, a type of cancer that starts in white blood cells.

My hair loss journey from Stage 3 Classical Hodgkin Lymphoma. Diagnosed in November, 2017. Currently 9 months in remission and counting thanks to immunotherapy and AVD chemo. Learn more about my treatment here.

My last chemo was August 9, 2018. I was notified I was officially  in remission on May 1, 2018 prior to completing my full 6 cycles of chemotherapy.

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One of the most difficult parts of the cancer journey is watching your appearance or the appearance of someone you love drastically change before your eyes. Watching my reflection slowly change was one of the most painful parts of my cancer journey, particularly losing my hair, because once my hair began to go, everything became SO REAL.

When clumps of my hair started to fall in the shower, I watched in horror as the amount slowly gathered by the drain. All my life, I have been blessed with thick, beautiful, healthy hair. I never in my life did I ever think I would ever have to worry about losing it… but there it was slowing going right before my eyes. 

Where at one time my hair was so thick, I could snap a rubber band just with the sheer weight of my ponytail, now there was nothing I could do to stop the growing patches of my scalp that were beginning to show.  I tried makeup to cover my growing roots from my last color months before my diagnosis. After all, I was going to lose my hair, what was the point of a touch up now?  My hair was becoming a mess but it was the least of my worries. I knew in my heart holding onto it was a losing battle.

“Mommy, are you gonna lose all your hair?”

As a woman and a mom of three young children, losing my hair was one of the most gut-wrenching things I have had ever tried to explain to my children, particularly my youngest twins who were 3 at the time.

Once you find you or your loved one has cancer your thoughts immediately go to hair loss. Pictures of chemo patients you have seen in movies and on TV float through your mind. I know because it went through mine.

You start to search for all the remedies to counteract hair loss: Castor oil. Cold Caps. Extra biotin supplements. You cling to stories where others went through chemo and were fortunate to go through treatment and not lose all their hair.

I thought preparation of some sort was definitely a necessity. Once my diagnosis was confirmed, I got a couple books for my children to read to help them understand what our life was going to be like and most importantly what mommy was going to maybe look like for the next few months. One of the best books I got for my young twins was “Nowhere Hair” by Sue Glader which offers a  wonderful way to explain hair loss to young children.

As much as I knew I could deal with my changing appearance by wearing hats and wigs, I knew mommy’s changing looks could be scary for my children so I wanted to be compassionate and considerate of their feelings too. I thought it would be best to let nature take its course and not try to do too much to prevent my hair loss. I decided I would shave my head if it became absolutely necessary, but I was hopeful that my thick hair would be able to weather the trauma of treatment.

Before I began treatment I had shoulder length thick wavy hair. Before I began my immunotherapy treatment I decided to cut it as short as possible, while still being able to pull it back into a ponytail.

During my three infusions of Keytruda prior to chemotherapy, I was fortunate not to experience any hair loss. The only hair loss I can attribute before I began chemo was likely an effect from all my scans prior to being diagnosed and then during the staging process. 

The Hair Loss Begins

Most hair loss for patients having the AVD or ABVD chemo regimen like I had for my Stage 3 Classical Hodgkin’s lymphoma significantly increases by the 4th chemo treatment.  I definitely noticed my hair loss picking up at that point. Many other lymphoma cancer survivors report hair loss starts after the second chemo treatment. I’ve also heard of people would did not lose all of their hair even with several cycles of chemotherapy.  Other patients with RCHOP chemotherapy report different patterns of hair loss. Some people just reported extreme thinning. I believe I would classify as extreme thinning because I never ended up shaving my head during treatment. Once it got bad I started wearing wigs and had fun experimenting with different hairstyles.

The worst of my hair loss from stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma. This is the aftermath of 3 cycles of Keytruda immunotherapy plus 6 cycles of AVD chemo. 6 cycles = 12 individual chemo treatments.

A look at some of my different wigs.

Making the Most of My Hair Loss

Through the first part of my chemo, I made the most of my hair loss by wearing slouchy beanies and winter caps because my chemo treatment started in February in Chicago. However by midway through my treatment around May I knew I was going to need to consider starting to wear a wig.

The changing weather made wearing hats uncomfortable. I decided to look into my insurance benefits to see if they reimburse for a wig and surprisingly a wig was a covered benefit.

It’s important that hair loss in chemo takes many forms than just the hair on your head. It means hair anywhere is up for grabs. Leg hair. Eyebrow hair. Nose hair.  Even those pesky other hairs women get. Which meant less shaving for once in my life. Sweet victory!

After having long, thick hair all my life one of the greatest blessings is now how must faster I can get ready. And how much money I can save on hair styling products because now I can share them with my husband.  Always a silver lining.

Going through cancer has taught me time and again that even our most difficult seasons can bring many blessings if we know where to look. Sometimes, when we hardly recognize the face staring back in the mirror, that’s okay. It’s okay when that happens because I believe it means we’re in the midst of transforming into something better.

Losing my hair has helped me gain a new level of self-confidence. Never in my life did I ever think I would proudly rock this short of hair. I thought for sure I’d stay in my wig for months. But, as of right now, I’m also enjoying rocking a lot of hats too.

Hair loss is a journey for everyone, regardless if you are the patient yourself. It’s important to do what you feel is best, when you feel it is best. I learned there is no magic time table. But thankfully, I also learned hair grows back pretty quickly.

 Hair Loss Resources for Cancer Patients

Real-hair wigs can cost thousands of dollars and are often only partially covered by health insurance, but there are ways to get wigs for FREE:

• American Cancer Society: To support cancer patients undergoing chemo, the American Cancer Society offers brand new FREE wigs at wig banks and cancer centers around the country. Click Here and go to the “About Us” tab for resources in your area. Or call 800-227-2345.

• Cuts Against Cancer: This nonprofit organization and foundation is dedicated to creating and donating free Medical Wigs for women and children who cannot afford to purchase a Real Human Hair Medical Prosthesis. For a FREEwig for anybody facing hair loss from any type of cancer living anywhere in the world, Click Here.

• Friends are by Your Side: Celebrity hairstylist Martino Cartier founded this charity to help cancer patients get FREE wigs through a network of hundreds of salons across the US, Canada, Mexico, England and Australia. Click Here to see whether there is a salon in your area.

• Lolly’s Locks works with wig providers across the country to connect cancer patients in need with high-quality wigs. Created in honor of Lolly Toll, who lost her life to cancer in 2012. Lolly understood the relationship between looking good and feeling good, and it was her wish to help those who could not otherwise afford a stylized wig. Click Here

• EBeauty Community Inc.: Provides FREE wigs for cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy treatments. They also have a national wig exchange program through which you can donate wigs you no longer need to others who do. To request a wig or donate one, Click Here

• HairToStay: This nonprofit offers need-based grants to offset the expense of scalp cooling systems for breast cancer patients in the US to minimize hair loss during chemotherapy. To learn more, Click Here

Good to Know

• It takes at least six ponytails to make one wig. If your friends and family have hair to spare and want to help the cause, tell them about the Pantene Beautiful Lengths campaign that collects healthy hair to make FREE wigs available to cancer patients at the American Cancer Society’s wig banks. Donated hair must be a minimum of 8 inches long (measured from just above the elastic band of a ponytail to the ends). Click Here, or call 800-945-7768, for more details and where to donate.

Source:  https://breastcancerfreebies.com/wigs/

Books to help children understand hair loss from chemo:

“Nowhere Hair” by Sue Glader

Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Nowhere-Hair-Explains-Cancer-Chemo/dp/0984359168/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549460550&sr=8-1&keywords=nowhere+hair

“Our Mom is Getting Better” by Alex Silver

Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Our-Getting-Better-Alex-Silver/dp/0944235859/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549460629&sr=8-1&keywords=Our+mom+is+getting+better