Hope Grows in the Dark

I long to be like a sunflower...

Eternally happy and cheery

Quietly growing

Always reaching toward the heavens

Faithfully finding the light

Even when darkness and shadows abound.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.

Work and managing three kids eLearning from home has taken most of my attention. I’ve had little time or energy to focus on much else.

To be honest, I’ve been struggling to find the words to describe the whirlwind of thoughts I have constantly swirling in my head. But when things start to feel overwhelming, it’s usually a sign I need to disengage from the world for a bit and focus on my self-care.

In the past, I would try to turn to writing and blogging to cope with my intense feelings, but after hours in front of my computer every day, the last thing I want to do lately is to stare at another screen and type.

So instead, I turned to something I haven’t done in years… I started drawing.

I never considered myself much of an artist.

I haven’t drawn anything in years.

I believed I could hardly draw anything other than stick figures and a few basic shapes.

 But one day, as I was coloring with my kids and feeling a bit down, something changed.

At first, I decided to try to draw a landscape. I started with some trees, and before I knew it, I could feel my body relaxing and a smile spreading across my face as I continued to add more and more details to my drawing.

We had recently lost one of our beloved family pets. I was feeling pretty devastated over the loss, so I decided to turn my landscape into a picture of a reunion of all our family dogs meeting in heaven.

What started off being a simple drawing ended up being an emotional trip down memory lane. I dug out pictures of my old family pets to ensure I got all the details right. Before I knew it, my heart went from feeling heavy and broken to feeling full of laughter and love as my children, and I reminisced over all of our old pets.    

Drawings of our family dogs reuniting in heaven.

It’s been a long time since I gave myself the freedom to create without being overly critical of the outcome. To me, there is no better feeling than being able to let my mind freely wander, and my pen create. Once I was able to let go of judgment and replaced it with an openness to go with the flow and see where my creativity took me, I was amazed at what I was able to create.

 That drawing was the start of many more.

My husband is an incredible artist, and he was kind enough to get me started with some drawing supplies. I have always loved nature, so I decided to hone my drawing skills by drawing some of my favorite still life objects: flowers and trees.

This week I practiced drawing a sunflower—one of my favorite flowers.

The persistence of the sunflower seed, pushing through the dark soil and blossoming into the eternally, cheery sunflower inspired me to write the following post. 

Hope is a force that can’t always be seen.

Just as seeds do not question
the blackness that surrounds them
Darkness leads to powerful transformations.

When I struggle to find the light
Sunflowers faithfully remind me
To stand tall and trust the process.

Hope blossoms every time
I dust myself off and
fearlessly choose to try again.

I’m slowly learning…

Growth doesn’t stop in the dark.

Healing isn’t linear.
I can’t go beyond
if I don’t step within first.

An essential part of healing
is holding space
beyond the pain.

Through the uncertainty,
In the uncomfortable silence;
After unfathomable waiting,

Miracles are born.

While I’m worrying
God is always working.
⠀
Preparing me.
Providing for me.
Proving anything is possible.

The Power of Growing Slowly

365 days of hair growth in this picture. (May 8, 2019-May 8, 2020)

“Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still. ”

— Chinese Proverb

There is power in growing slowly.

Losing my hair to cancer two years ago taught me that moving on and returning to our old ways is not always possible— but moving forward is.

Watching my hair gradually grow back has taught me that growth is not always measurable, but whether we realize it or not…

Each day we are constantly changing.

But it’s how we measure our personal growth that makes all the difference.

Real growth is not always visible.

After my treatment ended, I so desperately wished I could snap my fingers and my life and appearance would return to my “normal” pre-cancer days but watching my slowly grow back has taught me a valuable lesson in patience and self-love.

Transformation takes time and when we focus too much on our end goals, we miss out on the process of growing.

We tend to overlook our tiny successes because we become frustrated, we haven’t achieved our end goal yet.

Life doesn’t always give us want we want; but when we look closely enough, we can see we are always being given opportunities to grow.

And our growth often occurs in darkness.

Just as a tiny seed struggles to reach the light; our challenges often push us out of our comfort zones and require us to adapt, grow or fall behind.

And this growth is hard.

Sometimes it feels like parts of us are dying.

Maybe those parts are dying.

But from the remains of what was, we can start to rebuild our lives.

This last year taught me that the in-between stages are some of the hardest parts of growth.

But when we are being stretched and challenged in a new way and pushed far out of our comfort zones—that’s when the most growth happens.

All of us must continuously grow and adapt throughout our lives.

Slowing down enough to enjoy the process of learning and growing helps us find joy in our individual journeys.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how you grow or how long it takes; all that matters is that you are growing.

May we continue to grow in faith and not fear.

May the love in our hearts and for one another continue to expand.

May we continue to move forward; despite all the obstacles in our path.

---

On May 1, 2020 I was blessed to be able to celebrate 2 years cancer-free!

Here is a look back at some of the highlights from the last two years of my journey:

Change Your Story, Change Your Life

History is constantly being written and revised. Don’t be afraid to pick up the pen.

Our stories give our lives meaning.

What story are you telling yourself?

What story are you telling others?

Do your thoughts echo your inner critic or are they your biggest cheerleader?

The stories we tell ourselves are connected to our past, yet they often limit our future.

What we believe is ultimately what we become.

Challenging and painful chapters make it harder for us to rewrite our story because we feel stuck.

I’ve often felt stuck in the past and powerless or even incapable of making a change.

Although we can’t change the past, I’ve found we must remember we have the power to rewrite our story.

Personal transformation begins with the stories we tell ourselves everyday.

The beautiful part of writing our stories is that you don't have to get it right the first time.

So don’t be afraid to revise your story.

You can stop to reread the last chapter, but always remember, it’s best to turn the page.

It’s never too late to reinvent yourself.

You can always rewrite the ending.

I’ve found you can write a happy ending with just three little words:

Things got better.

I survived cancer.

You can survive this.

Things will improve.

WE WILL OVERCOME.

What’s the happiest story you can write with just three words?