Hope Grows in the Dark

I long to be like a sunflower...

Eternally happy and cheery

Quietly growing

Always reaching toward the heavens

Faithfully finding the light

Even when darkness and shadows abound.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written.

Work and managing three kids eLearning from home has taken most of my attention. I’ve had little time or energy to focus on much else.

To be honest, I’ve been struggling to find the words to describe the whirlwind of thoughts I have constantly swirling in my head. But when things start to feel overwhelming, it’s usually a sign I need to disengage from the world for a bit and focus on my self-care.

In the past, I would try to turn to writing and blogging to cope with my intense feelings, but after hours in front of my computer every day, the last thing I want to do lately is to stare at another screen and type.

So instead, I turned to something I haven’t done in years… I started drawing.

I never considered myself much of an artist.

I haven’t drawn anything in years.

I believed I could hardly draw anything other than stick figures and a few basic shapes.

 But one day, as I was coloring with my kids and feeling a bit down, something changed.

At first, I decided to try to draw a landscape. I started with some trees, and before I knew it, I could feel my body relaxing and a smile spreading across my face as I continued to add more and more details to my drawing.

We had recently lost one of our beloved family pets. I was feeling pretty devastated over the loss, so I decided to turn my landscape into a picture of a reunion of all our family dogs meeting in heaven.

What started off being a simple drawing ended up being an emotional trip down memory lane. I dug out pictures of my old family pets to ensure I got all the details right. Before I knew it, my heart went from feeling heavy and broken to feeling full of laughter and love as my children, and I reminisced over all of our old pets.    

Drawings of our family dogs reuniting in heaven.

It’s been a long time since I gave myself the freedom to create without being overly critical of the outcome. To me, there is no better feeling than being able to let my mind freely wander, and my pen create. Once I was able to let go of judgment and replaced it with an openness to go with the flow and see where my creativity took me, I was amazed at what I was able to create.

 That drawing was the start of many more.

My husband is an incredible artist, and he was kind enough to get me started with some drawing supplies. I have always loved nature, so I decided to hone my drawing skills by drawing some of my favorite still life objects: flowers and trees.

This week I practiced drawing a sunflower—one of my favorite flowers.

The persistence of the sunflower seed, pushing through the dark soil and blossoming into the eternally, cheery sunflower inspired me to write the following post. 

Hope is a force that can’t always be seen.

Just as seeds do not question
the blackness that surrounds them
Darkness leads to powerful transformations.

When I struggle to find the light
Sunflowers faithfully remind me
To stand tall and trust the process.

Hope blossoms every time
I dust myself off and
fearlessly choose to try again.

I’m slowly learning…

Growth doesn’t stop in the dark.

Healing isn’t linear.
I can’t go beyond
if I don’t step within first.

An essential part of healing
is holding space
beyond the pain.

Through the uncertainty,
In the uncomfortable silence;
After unfathomable waiting,

Miracles are born.

While I’m worrying
God is always working.
⠀
Preparing me.
Providing for me.
Proving anything is possible.

Faith Over Fear

We are all scared.

Are you walking in faith or are you reacting out of fear?

Fear is fed by doubt.
Faith is led by trust.

When we feed our faith, we stop fueling our fears.

Fear keeps us trapped in the small details, while faith gives us eyes to see the bigger picture.
My journey with cancer showed me our greatest fears can become our greatest blessings.

It is up to us to choose faith over fear.

We must always remember:

Where God guides, God provides.
While we are waiting, God is working.

It’s time to stop trying and start trusting.

Better days are coming.

Celebrating Survivorship: Faces of Cancer and Stories of Hope

One day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you are going through now and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

I have four appointments at Northwestern this month.

Today was, by far, my favorite. 

Today, I got to share my story and celebrate my survivorship as part of Northwestern’s “Faces of Cancer.”

Although there are days when I wish I could put the memories of all that I endured throughout my cancer treatment, the truth is, overcoming cancer is a big part of my story—and that story has the power to not only help me heal, but others too.

When you get diagnosed with cancer you hear a lot of things. 

Things you can expect like side effects and hair loss. 

You hear your treatment options and how much it will cost. 

You hear your odds of remission or your chances of survival. 

But what matters most out of all those things is hearing the stories of other cancer survivors. 

Knowing that they made it to the other side of this terrible storm, gives you hope you will too. 

That’s why I’m incredibly honored to be able to be a part of Northwestern’s Cancer Survivors’ Walk & 5K. 

This annual event holds a special place in my heart because the thought of celebrating being a cancer survivor with my family helped me push through my treatments. 

I remember the first time I saw the event flyer while I started chemo in early 2018.

I told myself I’m going to walk in this event in June as a SURVIVOR. 

It was big dream because I was still scheduled to be in active treatment until August. 

Thanks to the success of my immunotherapy and chemotherapy treatments I was cancer free on May 1, 2018. Although I had chemo just days before and was still in active treatment, I was able to walk with my family and close friends. Crossing that finish line hand in hand with my oldest daughter Ava is a feeling I will never forget. 

Northwestern’s Cancer Survivors’ Celebration 2018

This year is extra special because not only will I be sharing my story but for the first time in two years I feel healthy and strong enough to run in the 5K for the first time! 

Next week I have my big follow up scan. If all goes well I’ll be celebrating two years of being cancer free at this year’s event. 

Please consider helping me make a difference in the lives of cancer patients and their families by joining me and my family on June 7th in Grant Park or supporting my fundraising goal here.

For more info on Northwestern’s annual Cancer Celebration Walk & 5K click here.

Thank you for your love and support! 

Faith, Synchronicity and Healing

“In every moment, the Universe is whispering to you. You're constantly surrounded by signs, coincidences, and synchronicities , all aimed at propelling you in the direction of your destiny.” - Denise Linn

“Everything happens for a reason,”

the woman said with a bright smile as she sat down next to me.

 I was just leaving my cardiologist and decided to stop and take a picture of the beautiful Chicago skyline outside.

As I was sitting next to her editing my picture she said,

“In my 62 years on this Earth, one thing I know…

 Everything happens for a reason.”

 I nodded my head, smiled and said,

 “I believe everything happens for a reason too. “

If my journey with cancer has taught me anything is that there are no coincidences.

God works in mysterious ways.

 Yet God always provides Good, Orderly, Direction.

 Whether we realize it or not—we are never alone.

At times when we struggle to feel God’s presence in our life, faith steps us to gives eyes to see this good, orderly, direction.

Divine miracles are happening all around us every day, but it is up to us to notice the signs.

God is always whispering to us, encouraging us and helping to provide for us through the actions of others.

Yesterday I received the news I had been hoping and praying for months to receive.

I’ve been on edge because I have a big scan coming up that could solidify my odds of long-term remission.
But, over the past months, I’ve been having chest pains, low heart rate and dizziness that my doctors have been at a loss to explain.

 With my upcoming scan and history of cancer, it is easy to fear the worst.

After I was done praying and meditating yesterday in preparation for my visit, I decided to pull a card out of my Souls Journey deck to help set my intention for the day.

As I began to shuffle the cards, to my surprise the Peace card flew out.

I knew this was a powerful confirmation that I was to focus on PEACE and let go of my fear and any negative thoughts about my health and upcoming scan.

On my way home from my appointment, while I was silently rejoicing over the great news I had just received from my doctor about my heart, I happened to glance up and see the car in front of me had simply the word PEACE on their license plate. 

 This powerful synchronicity confirmed that good things are coming.

The seeds of hope are watered by our faith.  

We must trust and believe that all will work out in our best interest.

God will provide.  

The Meaning of Hope

Hope is one of my favorite four-letter words.

I believe these four letters hold tremendous power.

Hope, to me, means that ANYTHING is possible.

Hope is a foundational belief.

Hope constantly aspires for more.

Hope believes any situation can change for the better.

Many times in my life, hope has been my both an anchor and a life raft.

Hope anchors my faith and gives me wings to rise above adversity.

Hope may not always be the best strategy.

But sometimes, it can be our only lifeline.

In times of despair, it is hope whispering tomorrow will be better,  

that helps us drag ourselves out of bed.

Hope is having faith in something more than yourself. 

Hope is believing that there is more to life that what you are going through. 

Hope is realizing that maybe these things aren’t happening to you; but perhaps, they are happening for you. 

It doesn’t matter if your hope is big or small.

All that matters is that you find that thread of silver lining in your situation and grab hold of it.

Eventually, that thread of hope will begin to multiply.

Through the lens of hope, you will begin to view your situation in a new light.

Those struggles. 

This difficult season. 

Maybe this fire wasn’t sent to destroy you. It was meant to forge you into a stronger, more resilient version of yourself.

But you have to be brave enough to hold on to the hope that life will be beautiful again. 

Because it will be.

When Prayers are Answered

If there is anything this last year has taught me, it’s that prayers ARE answered. It’s simply a matter of time and perspective until we realize we are never alone and our cries for help—whether we utter them out loud or hold them within our hearts, never go unheard or unnoticed.

When I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer last year, I began using this angel calendar as a way to reflect and start my day with positive intention. This Friday morning, after a long day and night at the ER with my daughter, I went to clear away the previous day’s message and was struck by the timing and synchronicity of the message.

“All my prayers are heard and answered in miraculous ways.”

It was as if heaven was reaching out to say, “We’ve heard you. It will be okay.”

After months of uncertainty, my daughter will finally be getting the treatment she needs. As difficult as it is, I've come to accept that we must learn to trust the wait. We must learn to be comfortable living with uncertainty and ambiguity. Because I have learned that while we are waiting for answers, God is working.

I’ve seen him working through the skilled hands of the surgeon that repaired my infant daughter’s tiny heart.

I’ve felt his presence guiding the team of doctors who worked to strategically block off blood flow to my husband’s brain—through a tiny artery in his leg so they could remove the malformation that was close to taking his life.

I’ve witnessed his grace and providence through the tireless efforts of my oncology team that helped me treat and overcome lymphoma last year with immunotherapy—a medical breakthrough for cancer patients around the world, many who were out of hope.

As a mother, as a significant other and as a patient myself—I’ve learned prayers are answered and miracles do happen. I’m living proof and so is my family.

The Audacity to Choose Hope

In my posts I talk a lot about hope. It is undoubtedly my favorite four letter word after love. I believe both those four letter words hold tremendous power.  I believe all great things are possible through them.

 I’ll be the first to admit, I wasn’t always able to find hope. I’ve struggled with severe depression, anxiety—even been so hopeless I’ve wrestled with thoughts of suicide.

For years, it was like I was stuck under disabling clouds of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Upset with where my life was, but afraid of changing it. But then, hope stepped in.

At first it was a quiet voice in the back of my head. I could barely make out what it was saying over the noise of my worst fears.

But little by little…

As I learned to silence my fears and anxiety through meditation and mindfulness, I learned to trust the voice that said, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

And little by little, I started to change.

Little by little…

I started to let go of the belief that I was not good enough. That I would probably fail, so it was better not to try.

Then one day I felt a shift. I could see the sky again, bright with hope and the possibility of change.

By listening to the voice of hope, I started to believe that I could be better. I started to believe that things would get better.

And you know what? They did.

I think it all comes down to faith, hope and belief. You have to have faith in something more than yourself. You have to believe that there is more to life that what you are going through. Believe that these things aren’t happening to you; rather, they are happening for you.

Those struggles. This difficult season. Perhaps this fire wasn’t sent to destroy you, it was meant to forge you into a stronger, more resilient version of yourself. But you have to be brave enough to hold on to the hope that life will be beautiful again.

Because I believe hope is faith in action. When life gives you every reason to question and doubt the reason behind your struggles and if you will be able to overcome, hope swoops in to provide possibilities—even when things seem impossible.

Hope refuses to give up—no matter the magnitude of the obstacle. Hope is stubbornly, unapologetically optimistic against all odds.

Hope is also a choice. It is reaching for the glimmer of goodness when you are drowning in a sea of awfulness.  Because I’ve learned that once you reach for hope, it starts to multiply—spreading and uplifting those around you.

Having the audacity to choose hope when most would fall into fear is incredibly powerful. Because once you choose to focus on the good that could come it instead of agonizing over the what-could-bes, you will start to change the way you think. You will start to recognize and appreciate your own strength. And once you recognize your own strength, you can use the scars from your struggles as signs of hope for others. 

“Hope is not pretending that troubles don’t exist. It is the hope that they won’t last forever. That hurts will be healed and difficulties will be overcome. That we will be led out of the darkness and into the sunshine.”