Coping

Flattening the Curve

Flattening the curve refers to community isolation measures that keep the daily number of disease cases at a manageable level for medical providers.

Flattening the curve refers to community isolation measures that keep the daily number of disease cases at a manageable level for medical providers.

Last night I stayed in Chicago because I had a very early appointment at Northwestern today to have a port draw and routine CT scan.

I’m always a little on edge before any scan, and what’s going on in the world right now, has just about everyone on edge.

This was my second visit to Northwestern since the news of the coronavirus pandemic broke.
What I experienced today was very reassuring.

There were a lot less people and many bars and restaurants were closed or will be by tonight.

What was unchanged was the incredible care and dedication of doctors, nurses and first responders, I witnessed first-hand.

While I decided to wear a mask for the majority of the time due to being immunocompromised and my recent bouts with pneumonia, I saw many doctors and nurses working without masks.

This reminded me there is a fine line between living in fear and being prepared.

If my journey with cancer taught me anything, it is that when we can’t control the situation, all we really can control is how we respond.

So when those feelings of fear and dread start to creep in, I try to combat those feelings with gratitude.
As bad as things get, there is always something to be grateful for.

Today, I’m so thankful that I got to spend extra time with my dad during my appointments.

While these are certainly unprecedented and uncertain times, my experience today was a powerful reminder of the reality medical professionals and first responders face on a daily basis.

They can’t work from home, or practice social distancing but they continue to show up day after day to serve and help protect our communities.

Thank you for all that you do and I’m keeping all of you in my prayers.

Faith, Synchronicity and Healing

“In every moment, the Universe is whispering to you. You're constantly surrounded by signs, coincidences, and synchronicities , all aimed at propelling you in the direction of your destiny.” - Denise Linn

“In every moment, the Universe is whispering to you. You're constantly surrounded by signs, coincidences, and synchronicities , all aimed at propelling you in the direction of your destiny.” - Denise Linn

“Everything happens for a reason,”

the woman said with a bright smile as she sat down next to me.

 I was just leaving my cardiologist and decided to stop and take a picture of the beautiful Chicago skyline outside.

As I was sitting next to her editing my picture she said,

“In my 62 years on this Earth, one thing I know…

 Everything happens for a reason.”

 I nodded my head, smiled and said,

 “I believe everything happens for a reason too. “

If my journey with cancer has taught me anything is that there are no coincidences.

God works in mysterious ways.

 Yet God always provides Good, Orderly, Direction.

 Whether we realize it or not—we are never alone.

At times when we struggle to feel God’s presence in our life, faith steps us to gives eyes to see this good, orderly, direction.

Divine miracles are happening all around us every day, but it is up to us to notice the signs.

God is always whispering to us, encouraging us and helping to provide for us through the actions of others.

Yesterday I received the news I had been hoping and praying for months to receive.

I’ve been on edge because I have a big scan coming up that could solidify my odds of long-term remission.
But, over the past months, I’ve been having chest pains, low heart rate and dizziness that my doctors have been at a loss to explain.

 With my upcoming scan and history of cancer, it is easy to fear the worst.

After I was done praying and meditating yesterday in preparation for my visit, I decided to pull a card out of my Souls Journey deck to help set my intention for the day.

As I began to shuffle the cards, to my surprise the Peace card flew out.

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I knew this was a powerful confirmation that I was to focus on PEACE and let go of my fear and any negative thoughts about my health and upcoming scan.

On my way home from my appointment, while I was silently rejoicing over the great news I had just received from my doctor about my heart, I happened to glance up and see the car in front of me had simply the word PEACE on their license plate. 


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 This powerful synchronicity confirmed that good things are coming.

The seeds of hope are watered by our faith.  

We must trust and believe that all will work out in our best interest.

God will provide.  

 

Healing is Not Linear

“Some people cannot be cured, but everyone can heal.”Healing is not a linear process, but rather, more of an upward spiral. You process things cyclically and each time it comes around, you peel back another layer and get closer to your core.

“Some people cannot be cured, but everyone can heal.”

Healing is not a linear process, but rather, more of an upward spiral. You process things cyclically and each time it comes around, you peel back another layer and get closer to your core.

Healing is not linear.

But nothing in life ever really takes a straight path, does it?

Rivers wind.
Valleys dip.
Branches bend.

Many times, in my health journey I thought I was coming to the end, only to realize it wasn’t actually the end— it was the start of a new beginning.


Is there a good time to get cancer?


No.

But I think I came pretty close.

By the time I was diagnosed back in early December of 2017, I was showing signs of advanced cancer.


When I was told I was Stage 3, part of me felt guilty I had let my health reach this point. But I ended up getting diagnosed at the perfect time because it allowed me to take part in a new immunotherapy clinical trial.


Had I been diagnosed sooner, I would have missed this opportunity. I believe this trial is a large part I’m still in remission today.

It’s funny how things tend to work out for the best, even when all can seem lost.
One unexpected turn and it turns out you were exactly where you needed to be all along.



I’ve found that when we are worrying all is lost, God is working.


Just as our heart rate rises and falls, God draws straight with crooked lines.


We may not always see the big picture, but God sees the entire canvas.



We often expect the events in our life to unfold in a linear way.


We believe we must go from point A to get to point B.


We believe we must have XYZ in order to be truly happy.


But, my journey has taught me there are no short-cuts to coming full circle.

Healing takes time to unfold.


Each arc in the path of our journey is an important part of our story; without those experiences, we wouldn’t be the person we are today.


Maybe this struggle was sent to help anchor your faith?


Maybe what wounded you was meant to help remind you of your true strength?

It may not make sense now, but one day it will.
There is purpose is our pain.
There is meaning behind all this madness.

I’ve found that is only in overcoming ourselves that we able to help others heal too.

The Meaning of Hope

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Hope is one of my favorite four-letter words.

I believe these four letters hold tremendous power.

Hope, to me, means that ANYTHING is possible.

 

Hope is a foundational belief.

Hope constantly aspires for more.

Hope believes any situation can change for the better.

 

Many times in my life, hope has been my both an anchor and a life raft.

Hope anchors my faith and gives me wings to rise above adversity.

 

Hope may not always be the best strategy.

But sometimes, it can be our only lifeline.

 

In times of despair, it is hope whispering tomorrow will be better,  

that helps us drag ourselves out of bed.

 

Hope is having faith in something more than yourself. 

Hope is believing that there is more to life that what you are going through. 

Hope is realizing that maybe these things aren’t happening to you; but perhaps, they are happening for you. 

 

It doesn’t matter if your hope is big or small.

All that matters is that you find that thread of silver lining in your situation and grab hold of it.

Eventually, that thread of hope will begin to multiply.

Through the lens of hope, you will begin to view your situation in a new light.

Those struggles. 

This difficult season. 

Maybe this fire wasn’t sent to destroy you. It was meant to forge you into a stronger, more resilient version of yourself.

But you have to be brave enough to hold on to the hope that life will be beautiful again. 

Because it will be.

Unpacking Grief: The Ball & The Box Analogy

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.” - Thomas Campbell

“To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.” - Thomas Campbell

Grief is a tricky emotion. 

It can follow you around like a dark cloud, turning your world to gray and obscuring everything around you. And just when you think the fog of your grief may be lifting, a random thought or memory can trigger a sense of overwhelming sadness all over again. 

Whether you are dealing with the loss of a loved one or grieving your former self due to chronic illness or cancer— we all grieve in different ways.  

Recently, Twitter user Lauren Herschel shared an analogy that explains how grief changes over time and why it often bubbles up randomly.

Herschel drew a box with a ball inside. On the left side of the box is a red “button.” She explained that “When grief is new, the ball takes up most of the box and is constantly hitting the button, which causes pain, over and over again.”

The pain is fairly constant in the beginning. “Because the ball is huge, you can’t move the box without the ball hitting the pain button. It rattles around on its own in there and hits the button over and over. You can’t control it – it just keeps hurting. Sometimes it seems unrelenting.” 

Herschel explains, “Over time, the ball shrinks — but every now and then, it still hits the button. Maybe you see someone who reminds you of your loved one. Maybe a certain song plays on the radio. Maybe it comes out of nowhere.”

One of the hardest parts about dealing with grief is accepting the fact that the feeling never really goes away. The feelings may lessen in intensity, but the sense of loss is always there. Herschel goes on to explain, “For most people, the ball never really goes away. It might hit less and less, giving you more time to recover between hits, unlike when the ball was still giant-sized.”

There is no timetable for dealing with your grief. It can take time for the ball in your box to shrink. You shouldn’t feel rushed into getting “over” your grief, and you definitely shouldn’t feel judged for grieving, no matter how long ago it started.

I’ve learned that immense grief is often the price we pay for tremendous love. Grief comes in waves. Sometimes our emotions are calm, other times the waves of loss bring us to our knees. All we can do is learn how to ride the waves of emotion. 

There is no moving on after loss, there is only moving forward.

The reality is that we don’t forget, move on, and have closure. Instead, we honor, we remember, and learn to celebrate in a new way.

Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.
— Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love

Source:

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Finding Joy in the Journey

“We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.” —Joseph Campbell

“We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.” —Joseph Campbell

JOY.

How can three letters be so hard to find?

Most of us try hard to find joy every day.

But for many of us, our joy is hidden under layers of heartache and past hurts.

Our joy has been pushed to the back burner to make room for other’s needs.

Our joy has been cast aside to make room for the passions of others.

Our joy has been linked to some future state we are always striving for but can never fully reach.

What if we have been searching for joy in all the wrong places?

This picture hangs above the desk in my office as a reminder that my journey will lead to many unexpected places.

I may experience tremendous loss, heartache, and defeat.

But JOY can always be found in the journey if I know where to look.

Take the word JOURNEY.

If you look closely you will see the word JOY is hidden among the letters, too.

JOURNEY.

Just like life, the word JOY can only be found once you complete the word JOURNEY.

This helps remind me that with perspective often comes the joy we have been longing to find.

Within the word, JOURNEY is also the word URN.

Reminding me that all our bodies are vessels and we are all on the same journey. We will all eventually return to the ashes of creation that formed us.

The string reminds me that our life is a tangled web of possibilities.

The bicycle made of silvery-blue string reminds me that our journeys are what we make them. We can let life knock us around or we can choose to grab the wheel and forge our own path or even blaze a new trail.  

No matter where our journey leads, we must always try to find a thread of silver lining —for where there is hope, joy will soon follow.

Perhaps our journey isn’t so much about the destination. It’s about realizing and rediscovering the joy we have been searching for all this time was there in our hearts all along.

Unconditional Love is All You Need

“To give and not expect return, that is what lies at the heart of love.” – Oscar Wild

“To give and not expect return, that is what lies at the heart of love.” – Oscar Wild

Unconditional.

It’s the type of love that is hard to find.

It’s the type of love that is sometimes hard to give.

It’s the love that is sometimes even harder to receive.

It’s the love that is not just there for the pretty parts,

It’s the love that’s by your side no matter what.

It’s loving someone beyond your limits and theirs.

It’s loving without pause,

It’s compassion without question,

 It’s not loving you “because”, “if” or “when,”

 It is loving you “anyway”, “even though” and “always.”

The Flip Side of Fear

Sometimes you have to do it afraid. But what if the flip side of fear is where we meet our true power?

Sometimes you have to do it afraid. But what if the flip side of fear is where we meet our true power?

“It’s just a little bump.” 

“It’s probably nothing.”

Try as you might— you can’t shake the feeling that it could be something more. Something serious. Hands shaking you finally make the appointment. You tell yourself, “Better to be safe than sorry.”

Deep down you know your worst fear could be coming true. 

You could have cancer. 

Whether you are facing it for the first time or meeting it again through a relapse, the fear is always there.  

How do you move past it?

Is constant vigilance the antidote for anxiety? Or does this constant monitoring and worrying merely fueling the fire of disease?

Using Curiosity to Conquer Our Fears

Why is it that the worst things that happen to us often lead us to our greatest gains?

I believe the secret to whether events appear to be working for or against us lies in our mindset. You can’t change the fact that bad things happen. All you can ever really control is your reaction to the situation. 

Sometimes this means weighing your options carefully and having to choose between the lesser evils. Sometimes this means having to endure experimental cocktails of toxic medicines and radical treatments because it is your best odds at survival. Often it is taking on your greatest fears, knowing full well the feelings of uncertainty will only grow stronger over time.

Sometimes you have to do it afraid.

But what if the flip side of fear is where we meet our true power?

Facing Our Fears Like the Buffalo 

Two years ago, I took a giant leap of faith and signed up to be a part of a clinical trial for a combination treatment of immunotherapy and chemotherapy. I had just been diagnosed with Stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. 

I felt like I was running out of time and options. I knew my body was seriously ill. Cancer and chemotherapy were two of my greatest fears. But the thought that I could turn this negative into a positive by helping advance treatment options for myself and others gave me the sliver of hope I desperately needed to hold onto. 

Going into treatment with the mindset that my treatment was helping advance options for others gave me the perspective to embrace chemotherapy rather than to fear it. 

Movies and experiences from other cancer survivors often paint an uncertain picture. During an incredibly uncertain and terrifying time, it is easy to begin to expect the worst to happen. 

But what if approaching treatment with curiosity can be your secret weapon? 

Can an optimistic outlook really increase your chances of survival? Too often, illness leads to a state of powerlessness and the desire to not be a burden, as well as a sense of guilt. However, if we change the way we view our diagnosis and treatment, seeing it as a challenge and opportunity rather than a curse, we can shift into a more empowered state of mind. 

Turns out, the leap of faith I took in signing up for the clinical trial may have been my saving grace. I am now approaching two years in remission and nearly 100% of all patients in the clinical trial have achieved remission. 

Sometimes the quickest way out of the storm is to face it head-on. 

Many times, all hope needs to flourish is a leap of faith. 

Recently I learned about a phenomenon that is often observed throughout the Colorado plains, which are home to a variety of cows and wild buffalo. When a storm approaches, the two animals react in opposite ways. Cows will start moving away from the approaching storm—inevitably traveling in the same direction as the storm. Buffalos, instead, will move toward the storm, rather than away from it.

By running at the storm, the buffalos run straight through it. Minimizing the amount of pain and time and frustration they experience from that storm. While the buffalo experience the pain of the storm sooner because they charge at it, the duration of the storm, however, is much less because they keep moving through it. Compared to the cows, which hope to outrun or run away from the storm, the storm inevitably catches them, and they experience its painful forces for a longer time because they are traveling in the same direction.

It’s such a great metaphor for life because all of us are dealing with the same types of storms. We all have some relationship issues, health battles or financial struggles. And we don’t always get to choose whether or not we have storms. The only choice we get to have is how we respond to those storms.

While we should all aim to be like the buffalo and proactively face the storms of life head-on, dealing with them quickly, experiencing the pain and moving through it. The reality is, most of us are like cows. We see the storm approaching and want to run from it, hoping to put some distance between us and the pain we know is coming.

Sometimes life’s storms are our chance to level up. Perhaps our difficult seasons are meant to reveal our true strength. Maybe our hardest lessons were designed to provide the opportunity for us to take the ashes of what was and transform them into something better. Something that couldn’t possibly exist if it wasn’t for our own unique experience. 

Yes, cancer and tragedy happen. They can also happen for you. 

Often it is our losses, our failures and our setbacks that propel our growth and open new doors and avenues of hope that didn’t exist before.  You could be the game-changer. You could be the patient that gives others unimaginable relief when they hear your story of incredible survival. 

Cancer destroys your sense of self. It demolishes your sense of direction. It can make you question your future. It also reveals profound truths about yourself and others.

Cancer can be a curse, or it can be a catalyst for growth. 

The true challenge isn’t getting cancer. It’s how you react once your greatest fear becomes your reality. 

What can you gain If you view your current setback through the lens of curiosity rather than fear?

Your trust in the healing process. 

Your belief that you can be healed helps miracles take form. 

Your resilience creates a ripple effect. 

Once you show that it is possible to overcome the unimaginable. Anything becomes possible. Just as fear can be contagious, all it takes is for one person to break the mold and change the world for good.

Let it be you. 

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Coping During the Holidays: 10 Truths About Battling Cancer

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Two years ago, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma just 4 weeks before Christmas.  The holidays are one of my favorite times of the year, yet it was hard to be merry and bright when my diagnosis loomed overhead like a black cloud, dampening the joy of the season. My fear of getting cancer had been realized. Now it seemed all bets were off. The fear of the unknown and my impending treatment was overwhelming. I went from planning holiday get-togethers to silently planning my funeral.

I tried to put on a brave face for my family. Yet my shoulders were growing heavy with a new burden.  How do I tell my children how sick I am without frightening them? When is the right time to tell family and friends?

The truth is, there is no right time to be told you have cancer but getting diagnosed during the holidays can be especially difficult. But I’ve also found active treatment is only one part of the battle. Remission brings its own unique challenges. I wanted to share 10 truths about battling cancer to help family and friends understand and better support cancer patients and survivors this holiday season.

 

10 Things I Wish Family and Friends Understood About Battling Cancer:

1.       Don’t be afraid to talk to me about my diagnosis, treatment or how I’m feeling. It can be awkward trying to find the right words to say or talk about when your friend or loved one is battling cancer. Many people start to distance themselves out of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing—often without realizing it. Cancer can be a lonely journey at times. Please keep trying to connect. Don’t be afraid. Deep down, I know you mean well and I’m just glad you are trying to relate.

 

2.       I may put on a brave face, but deep down I’m still terrified. This journey is filled with so much uncertainty. There are many unknowns. I work hard to ignore the feeling of constant dread. Battling cancer has taught me that sometimes the fear doesn’t leave. You must do it afraid. Outwardly, I try to remain strong, steadfast and optimistic while internally it often feels like I’m drowning in a sea of ambiguity— with no clear answers and no end in sight.

3.       Sometimes there is no right answer or words to say.  At times I often struggle to put my feelings into words and I’m sure you do too. Please know, when I’m having a difficult time, all I need you to do is listen to my fears and concerns. When you’re at a loss for words, a simple hug or hand-holding can mean all the difference.

 

4.       I may not be able to come due to my health or financial reasons. Please invite me anyway. Going through cancer can be incredibly lonely. From putting off school to starting a family, so much of our lives get put on hold when we get diagnosed.  Family and friends can distance themselves intentionally or without even realizing it.  Please continue to reach out, even if there is a good chance we will decline the invitation. Having an event or special occasion to look forward to can be a welcome distraction, giving us something other than cancer to focus on. It also helps us feel more “normal” when everything in our life feels far from it.

 

5.       Chemo brain is extremely frustrating and debilitating. Please be patient with me. Cancer treatment affects our bodies in multiple ways. Thinking and memory problems are common during and even long after treatment has ended. Many cancer patients struggle with short-term memory loss, finding it difficult to concentrate, multi-task often struggling to find the right words.  Sometimes these cognitive changes can be short-lived; for others, they can be permanent.

 

6.       Remission can in many ways be harder than active treatment. My treatment may have ended but I’m now facing a new battle.  I often find myself walking a thin line between acceptance and vigilance, gratitude and cynicism— struggling to find my new normal amid the constant fear of relapse. It’s the flip-side of cancer treatment that not many talk about.  It’s a constant push and pull to move on while feeling like a shell of your old self. I wish I could rewind the time and be able to go back to being carefree and blindly optimistic about everything my future holds. The unfortunate reality is my health makes long-term plans difficult. I still have four more years of close monitoring until I’m hopefully declared “cured.” This means regular checkups every three months and scans every 6 months.  

7.       Cancer PTSD is real. Treatment is just as hard on our minds as it is on our bodies. First comes the shock of the diagnosis, then the physical effects of treatment and anxiety about what the future holds. Long after treatment is over, and even if you’re in remission, the psychological scars can remain. A study published in the journal Cancer found that PTSD affects one in five patients within six months of diagnosis. Sometimes it is only after treatment has ended that the severity of what we endured comes to light. Regular checkups and routine monitoring continue years after treatment stops causing many survivors to struggle with a constant fear of recurrence. Over time these feelings may fade but it’s important to seek help. Therapy can help you cope and learn to manage your symptoms.

 

8.       Cancer has changed me so much physically and emotionally, I hardly recognize myself anymore. The truth is I lost more than my hair; I lost my sense of self, my identity and parts of my womanhood during my cancer treatment. I apologize for being moody, difficult and distant at times.   The mixture of survivor’s guilt and low self-esteem now makes small talk awkward, and I often take things way too seriously or personally.  Cancer has changed me for better and for worse. But I now understand how precious my time is. I don’t want to waste it being inauthentic. I long for real connection and incredible experiences that ignite my soul. Cancer has given me the courage and urgency to act and stop putting off what I really want.  

 

9.       I may be free of my disease, it still haunts me and affects me every day. We rejoice when treatment ends, but we often don’t realize the long-term effects cancer treatment has on our bodies. Chronic pain, neuropathy, fainting/dizziness, cold/heat intolerance, and heart problems are just a few of the side-effects I’m still struggling with over a year after my last treatment.  

 

10.   Although I don’t always say it, I’m so glad you are in my life and I don’t have to go through this alone. I’ll never forget the outpouring of support my family and I received when we told everyone the news. From babysitting to weekly meals, the constant prayers and care we received meant the world to me. Just knowing that I didn’t have to fight alone and my family was taken care of let me concentrate on getting better. I may be out of active treatment, but the truth is I can use your support and understanding now more than ever. The enormity of everything strikes you once treatment is over. I’ve found healing takes time and it follows no set schedule. It’s messy, frustrating and often unpredictable. Thank you for walking this journey with me. I’m so grateful to have you in my life.

 

Source:

Cancer's Other Side Effect: What You Should Know About PTSD – Roswell Park Cancer Talk

Still Cancer Free* Coping with Long-Term Effects from Treatment

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We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.
— Kenji Miyazawa

Cancer survivorship is often described as being disease-free, but not free of your disease.  The truth is, going through cancer treatment is like swallowing a grenade. It may kill our enemy, but it kills a lot a bystanders too—damaging vital organs and causing a cascade of other health issues long after treatment has ended.

Chemotherapy and radiation destroy cancer cells. They also destroy normal, healthy cells in the process. Certain side effects can happen months or even years after your treatment. This may result from scarring to parts of the body or damage to internal organs.

Fatigue, difficulty concentrating (aka chemo brain), heart problems, reduced lung capacity, nerve problems, early menopause, muscle weakness, dental problems and secondary cancers are just some of the long-term side-effects related to cancer treatment. While the benefits of treatment typically far outweigh the risks, it’s important for cancer patients and their families to understand the long-term side-effects of cancer treatment.


I finished treatment for Stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma on August 9, 2018. Throughout my first year in remission, I’ve been dealing with crippling nausea, neuropathy, vision changes, hormonal and neurological issues, and ongoing heart problems.

Cancer treatment is often a trade-off, where you try to balance the risks of cancer-treatment for the chance to reach remission. Cancer patients are subjected to numerous scans, radiation, surgery and stem-cell transplants. Each treatment carries its own risks and while side effects from treatment are common, not everyone experiences them. However, long-term effects from treatment can show up months, even years later—long after treatment has ended. Some side effects are temporary, while others can last a lifetime.

While I don’t always talk about these long-term effects from treatment with friends and family, they are never far from mind. Every ache and pain or bodily change I notice is heavily scrutinized. Is this a sign of relapse or a latent effect from treatment?

Even when I’ve had excellent check-ups and scans that show no evidence of disease, it’s hard to shake the feeling that I’m living on borrowed time. Even when my outward appearance may show signs of health and vitality, internally it’s often a different story.

Whether it’s dealing with the crippling fear and anxiety of a potential relapse or physical symptoms like neuropathy and heart abnormalities, it’s hard to go a day without being reminded of the long-term effects of my treatment.

This reality hit me hard last weekend when I was hospitalized for possible pneumonia following a family vacation. My entire family came down with a cold. I was the last to get it, yet my immunocompromised body was unable to fight it off at home. Just four weeks earlier I was active, surprising myself and many by being able to play in my college alumni volleyball game. Suddenly, I found myself back in the ER, with a fever of 102.3, shaking from extreme chills and surrounded by an army of concerned doctors running every imaginable test to find out what was wrong. I ended up staying the entire weekend at the hospital.

It was hard at times to fight back the tears during my recent hospitalization. As I laid in my hospital bed, my body covered with sensors and wires tracking my unstable heart rate, part of me was in disbelief that I was back in the hospital. I thought I was doing everything right to heal—eating healthy, taking supplements and exercising. Still, I found myself having a hard time coming to grips with my third hospitalization since being in remission.   I knew it was where I needed to be, but I was feeling low and discouraged. My heart ached to be home with my family. It was hard not to be angry.  I thought should be at a pumpkin patch enjoying this beautiful fall weather, instead of stuck in the hospital watching the leaves turn beautiful shades of red and orange from my hospital bed. Thoughts like this circled endlessly in my head while my trusty chest port provided easy access for the IV antibiotics to hopefully work their magic and cure my chest infection so I could return home to my family.


After a cancer diagnosis, many patients wait anxiously to hear the words “no evidence of disease. However, cancer survivors often say that life after cancer is where the real journey begins. Once you reach remission it is often difficult to come to grips with all that your body has endured during treatment, both physically and emotionally.   Sure, your treatment has ended, and you’ve been told you’re in remission.  You’re ready to move on with life after cancer but side effects from treatment may interfere with your quality of life.  

Although we may be “cancer-free” we still struggle daily with the side effects of our treatment—chemo brain, neuropathy, pain, weight gain/loss and the fear of reoccurrence.  According to the Mayo Clinic, late effects of cancer treatment can come from any of the main types of cancer treatment: chemotherapy, hormone therapy, radiation, surgery, targeted therapy and immunotherapy. The late-term effects of newer cancer treatment like immunotherapy are unknown at this time; however, doctors may find that these treatments also cause late effects in cancer survivors.

Source: Mayo Clinic

Source: Mayo Clinic

Side effects can happen with any type of treatment for cancer, but everyone’s experience is different. Some people have many side effects. Other people have few or none at all.

If you develop side effects, they can happen any time during, immediately after or a few days or weeks after cancer treatment. Most side effects go away on their own or can be treated, but some side effects may last a long time or become permanent.

Side effects of cancer treatment will depend mainly on the type of treatment, the doses used, and if you are getting more than one treatment. Some side effects aren’t always obvious. Your healthcare team might not know that you find it hard to sleep or that you’re having trouble remembering things. Tell them about any side effects that you think are caused by your treatment and how you feel about them. The sooner you tell them of any problems, the sooner your healthcare team can help you cope with them.

Moving Forward Despite the Uncertainty

So much of the cancer journey is uncontrollable and unpredictable. As hard as cancer survivorship can be at times, I’ve found the best way to counteract the side-effects is through self-care and mindfulness. 

Our minds are incredibly powerful. Even if something is very small, you can make it into a massive issue in your life by choosing to intensely focus your thoughts upon it. So, I do my best to focus on what I want to make bigger, and not on what I want to avoid. I can’t help what happened and I can’t control what my future will be. But I can be very present and focus on amplifying the good in my life.

One way I try to stay present is mindful is by practicing daily gratitude. Sure, I may experience crippling side-effects at times which make it easy to get lost in all that is going wrong in my life; but if I pause long enough, I can see there are way more things that are going right.  And most importantly, I am still here to experience it all—the good and the bad and that is truly a blessing.

 

Sources:

Cancer survivors: Late effects of cancer treatment. -Mayo Clinic

Late and Long-term Side Effects of Hodgkin Lymphoma Treatment- American Cancer Society

Coping with treatment side effects- Canadian Cancer Society

 

Present, Not Perfect

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With endless time, nothing is special. With no loss or sacrifice, we can’t appreciate what we have.

— Mitch Albom

The realization hit me harder than I expected…

There are less than 3 months left in this decade.

IN. THIS. DECADE.

My shoulders suddenly started to feel a little heavier once the weight of the burden began to sink in. How am I going to spend these last few months of the year?

Time has taken on a new urgency in my life since I’ve been in remission. Why is it that we never seem to know until it’s too late just our limited our moments are? Why do we take our time here on earth and the precious time we have with our loved ones for granted most days?  Why do we often fail to do anything positive, productive, beautiful, creative, healthy and passionate with each minute of the day?

My cancer diagnosis has altered my perception of time. I found a minute can seem like an eternity when you’re hooked up to an IV during treatment.  I’ve seen advanced cancer spread and be destroyed in a matter of months. I know everything can change in an instant. So my time is something I can no longer afford to waste on unimportant things—things that do not spark joy in myself or others.

This October marks two years since my cancer journey first began. In October 2017 is when I first noticed the lump on my neck that turned out to be Stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. These past two years have been a blur of doctor’s appointments, tests, waiting, uncertainty, loss, growth and every emotion in between.

Why is it the more we try to manage and plan our time, the quicker it seems to slip through our fingers? What I do know is that each tick of the clock and day that passes brings me closer to another visit or another scan that could possibly turn our lives upside down again.

So where do we go from here? How do I keep moving forward, when everything around me seems to remind me of where I’ve been? How do I make the most of the time I’ve been given?

It kind of feels like our lives are made up of a countless number of weeks, doesn’t it? Unless we are under extreme circumstances, we never really stop to face our own mortality. However, when we actually do stop to do the math our fleeting, momentary existence here becomes shockingly clear:

 Life is a matter of moments, not milestones.

Did you realize if you live to be 90, that means you only get 4680 weeks on this earth? If we live to be 70 years old, we get roughly 613,200 hours to live.  (That’s 365 days, times 70 years, times 24 hours.) This is the time we have to enjoy, to love, to lose, to learn and to cry. Our search for meaning, fulfillment and purpose must fit into this average amount of hours.  

We know that our children grow up in the blink of an eye. But did you realize that outside of only 18 summers you have with your child, between the day your child is born, and the time he or she turns 18, you get just 940 Saturdays — and 260 of them, are gone by their fifth birthday?

 The hard truth is we spend a lot of our time doing other things. Things we have little choice in, as our clocks tick down to their final moments without us realizing—we often don’t know how little time we have left until it’s too late.  

 As a cancer survivor, it feels selfish not to try to make the most of every moment I’m blessed with. Unfortunately, the first year of my remission was one of my toughest to date.  I finished treatment on August 9th, 2018 and enjoyed one full month outside hospital walls before my family once again found ourselves in the middle of another health emergency.

 I had high hopes and some lofty plans when I finished my treatment last August. Last October I decided one way I was going to reclaim my health after treatment was to change my daily routine thanks to Mel Robbin’s work with the 5-second rule and Rachel Hollis’ book Girl, Wash Your Face.

I decided to take part in Rachel Hollis’ #last90days challenge. The goal of the challenge is to end the year with the same intensity, drive and focus that we usually plan to start the year with in January. This is based on the principle that it takes 21 days to create a habit, and 90 days to change your life.

The last 90-day challenge begins on October 1st and goes on until December 31st. The #Last90DaysChallenge encourages us to make the last 90 days the most successful days of our year. Each day you follow a 5 to Thrive plan; each week tune in to the weekly podcast and keep yourself accountable.

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It started off great. I was waking up an hour earlier than I normally did. Starting the day by writing 10 things I was grateful for and setting my daily intention. I was moving my body, staying hydrated and away from foods that did not benefit my health.

 But as usual, life had other plans…

When my oldest daughter became seriously ill last year, my priorities shifted from reclaiming my health to ensuring my daughter made a full recovery. It’s hard to wake up an extra hour early when you spend those extra hours laying awake at night full of dread and worry. When times get hard, it’s easy to forget what you are grateful for and to be thankful for what is still going right in your life even when everything appears to be falling apart. Suddenly the things that occupied your time get moved to the back-burner. Your health is no longer your priority. Your focus becomes survival at all costs.  

However, I’ve found where ever you are in your health journey, little changes made consistently over time can bring lasting results for good. While I may not be pushing myself to adhere to the Five to Thrive program and #last90days challenge this year, the habits I formed doing the challenges last year are helping me to make the changes I need to hopefully achieve long-term remission. I do know what each step that I take towards personal growth, is one more action I am taking to hopefully ensure I remain cancer-free.

So in honor of #thelast90days this year, here are seven tips that are helping me appreciate and make the most of my time:

1.    What is your time worth to you? If my journey with cancer has taught me anything it’s that our time here is way more limited than we realize. I believe there are two important questions when it comes to how we view life and death: If you knew you would die tomorrow, what would you do today? And, if you knew you had 20 years more to live, what would you do today instead?

2.    What is the legacy you want to leave behind? If you knew your time was up tomorrow, would you waste your final moments in worry about what will come, lost in regret wishing you had lived differently? Would you recognize that each day is a gift and in every 24 hours lies the possibility of joy, contentment and connection with your loved ones? Would you consider that in every moment there is a choice to see the good or the bad in any situation?

3.    Is this how you want to spend your minutes? What is the value of your time? To make the most out of my days, I have started focusing on the things that deeply matter to me. The question I am now asking myself is, “Is this how I really want to spend my time?”. This helps me prioritize what’s important and what’s not. What is worth concerning myself with and where I need to let go and refocus my attention.  

4.    Change your story. Change your situation.  When I’m feeling anxious or upset about something I like to zoom out and picture the situation from a different perspective. I try to remind myself that I am 1 of 7 billion people on this planet. BILLION. Everything I experience is affected by only 2 factors: 1) my biology. 2) the stories I tell myself (my inner narrative).  I like to ask myself, “What am I telling myself that is making me feel this way?” After I acknowledge the story I am telling myself, I then ask, “What can I tell myself to better serve me?”

5.    Priority management vs. time management. I’ve come to learn in my first year of remission, that steady progress, healing and even radical remission are rooted in grace and gratitude. Making the most of the time we are given is a full-time job. After pushing through the unthinkable these last two years, I finally realized that I really don’t have to do anything. I was already doing most of the correct things in regards to my health and nutrition. Now as much as I don’t want to admit it, I must simply be. If my body is in a constant state of survival, it has no to rest, recover and heal.  I must be patient and let my body heal on its own terms. Just as you cannot force a tomato to ripen faster, I must provide my body with the right conditions and environment so that it can start to heal itself.

6.    I don’t have to do anything but I get to do THIS! Realizing that others aren’t as fortunate as I am to be where I’m at today regarding my health helps me stay grounded in the present moment. Whether it’s the fact that I’m in remission or that I have both my arms, hands legs and feet. I can see, hear, smell and taste. Other’s aren’t as lucky. It’s important to focus on what’s going right, instead of worrying or trying to predict what could go wrong. To help me stay in a positive mindset, I try to spend at least 5-10 minutes every morning in silence, then I write or reflect on 10 things I am grateful for that very day. This helps give me much needed perspective on the size of my problem or current situation. When I don’t feel like moving my body or working out, I remember the days when I was too sick or too weak to get out of bed. I remind myself that to be active and to be able to work out is a privilege not everyone, even myself at times, is able to enjoy. I must take advantage of this opportunity while I still can.

7.    Learning to say “Yes and…” see what happens. Perfectionism often fuels depression and anxiety. Learning to let go and go with the flow has made a huge difference in my life and my relationships. If I’m not careful, I can easily wall myself off by saying no to new experiences. I can quickly come up with a ton of reasons why to do or not do something, but I’m starting to learn that if I can just relax and let things unfold naturally things still work out okay---and I save myself a whole lot of energy in the process. Energy that is usually better spent in other ways rather than worrying about all the things that could possibly go wrong. To put this into practice, I’ve started replacing the “what ifs” with “why not” scenarios when I feel my anxiety start to bubble up and cloud my ability to act.

Time management is an oxymoron. Time is beyond our control, and the clock keeps ticking regardless of how we lead our lives. Priority management is the answer to maximizing the time we have.” 

– John C. Maxwell

We often forget that our beginning and end are the same. What we do in between is what makes all the difference. Remember, it's never too late to be who you might have been. We can always be a little kinder, a little healthier and less selfish.  

Cancer gave me the wake-up call I needed to make significant changes in my priorities, diet and lifestyle. Where ever you are on your journey, taking the time to set goals to refocus on your health and make yourself accountable is always time well spent. But if this is the year you need to give yourself some grace and a pat on your back for all that you’ve overcome, take the time to rest and enjoy yourself and time with your loved ones. Because as they say, the time you enjoy wasting, is never wasted time.  

How will you be spending these last 90 days of the year?

Resources:

How the 5-Second Rule Can Transform Your Life- Mel Robbins

Girl, Wash Your Face- Rachel Hollis

#Last90days 5 to Thrive Challenge

Synchronicity of Healing: Drawing Straight with Crooked Lines

Celebrating my remission on September 19, 2019. We later realized I was leaping in the air at exactly 1:11 pm local Chicago time when this photo was taken. Repeating numbers like 111 are often a sign of synchronicity, alluding to the deeper, spiritu…

Celebrating my remission on September 19, 2019. We later realized I was leaping in the air at exactly 1:11 pm local Chicago time when this photo was taken. Repeating numbers like 111 are often a sign of synchronicity, alluding to the deeper, spiritual meaning of your current events.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
— (Proverbs 16:9 ESV)

So many times, we find ourselves trying to make sense of the senseless.

Whether something was beyond our control or happened because of our own making—all of us have experienced those unexpected twists and difficult turn of events in our lives.

We find ourselves constantly reflecting on why something happened or worked out the way it did. 

We wonder how can we possibly carry on as we search for ways to collect the broken pieces of ourselves and put them back together?

How do we make something meaningful, something beautiful, out of so many crooked lines?

Maybe what once was a clear path forward, is now muddled with fear and confusion. Whether it was illness, loss or circumstance, a detour shoved us off the straight path and onto a crooked line.

These are the moments in our lives that bring us to our knees and force us to examine everything around us and the stories we tell ourselves.

My moment came when I was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer.

While it’s true our world can change in an instant, we often get so caught up in events that we forget we have the power to rewrite the story we tell ourselves. 

We forget that our world can be an entirely different place than the world we lived in just a few moments ago, once our attitude toward it changes.

I didn’t realize it until recently, but the world I have been creating for myself through my thoughts and actions was full of fear, scarcity and survival. Unknowingly, I was living in this mental prison for most of my life until illness and cancer forced me to reexamine my reality. 

I have repeatedly told myself I was broken, unfixable, and at times even unlovable.

I lived in fear when I was told some of my afflictions were “permanent” and incurable.

I believed part of me was dysfunctional and would remain that way for the rest of my life.

However, I once discovered these stories I was taking as absolute truths weren’t MY truth—things started to change. I began to realize how these attitudes and beliefs grew from the seeds of the stories that were planted by society, my caregivers, teachers, coaches and the many connections I have made throughout my life.

Throughout my journey with cancer, I have found the more I try to unpack my personal narrative, the more I am able to understand the parts of my life that need to change so I can heal.

I soon started to discover how our thoughts and the words we use, and the relationship we have with those words have the potential to directly affect our experiences. It’s as if our thoughts go out into the universe and take root as either seeds or weeds. They sprout in straight or crooked lines depending on our choices and intentions— both positive and negative.

From this quantum perspective, we often overlook the incredible fact that it is the sum of our connections that brought us to this very moment. 

We forget that we are connected by our bodies, our DNA, the stories we tell ourselves, and the life experiences that have brought us to this point. And I’ve found the more we understand all these connections, the more we can start to shape them to serve our best interests and highest good.

One of the ways I am constantly reminded of this universal connection is through synchronicities.

The term synchronicity was first coined by the psychologist Carl Jung to describe a meaningful coincidence which seems to defy probability and “normal” explanations.

Jung believed synchronicities illuminate the mysterious connection between our personal psyches and the material world, based on the fact that everything exists as different forms of energy. Viewed in this way, synchronicity allows us to see the world with different eyes—one based on awe, curiosity and profound meaning.

When we learn to view things in this way, the world can speak to us in a completely new way. The rational, scientific facade of the world, although still present, comes alive with the vibrancy and presence of spirituality and divine connection. We can discover meaning in life and find those ‘golden threads’ that seem to weave through our lives revealing truths about ourselves and our individual journeys.

 

“Life is a symphony of synchronicities waking us up to the reality of who we really are.” Noah Lampert, Synchronicity Podcast

 

Maybe you’re reading this now because you recently had one of those life-changing moments or synchronicities yourself. A when something happens that makes you question the role of design in the universe and your own place within it.

Examples of synchronicities would be overhearing a random conversation between strangers that appears to answer your own inner questions; or how events seem to unfold in the perfect manner to lead to you to the right information at the right time from the right people that are necessary to progress on your healing journey.

Synchronicities can bring the perfect people to lead you to success, or bring you to situations where everything seems to falls into place to improve your life.

I believe synchronicities are divine guideposts urging us to continue on our current path by helping to remind us that everything is connected.

Our intuition seems to have a direct connection to God and the divine knowledge that steers the grand plan of the Universe. Through our intuition, we can be guided to stay on this divine path—one that is filled with incredible synchronicities along the way.

Since 2012, I have been experiencing numerous number synchronicities daily. Unknowingly catching the time 11:11, 1:11, 2:22, 4:44, 11:44, and seeing different repeating number patterns and meaningful names show up in the most unexpected places. Throughout my journey with cancer, these synchronicities only seemed to intensify as highlighted in my two-part series Faith, God and Synchronicity

Over this past year in remission, I have continued to experience multiple synchronicities on my journey to healing.

Such as being fortunate to be diagnosed exactly when I was so that I could participate in cutting-edge cancer treatment that is showing unprecedented results. I was floored to find out this past year that if I was diagnosed sooner or months later, I may have missed my spot since my clinical trial was only open to 40 patients.

Or how after weeks of anticipation leading up to my latest scan, it seemed I had butterflies following me everywhere I went. Especially meaningful to me was the butterfly I saw while waiting in traffic on the way to the hospital for one of my recent scans at Northwestern’s Lurie Cancer Center.

Captured this butterfly floating through traffic on my way for my latest scan at Northwestern in Chicago.

Captured this butterfly floating through traffic on my way for my latest scan at Northwestern in Chicago.

Connecting with Coincidence  

Later as we were coming home from my scan, my husband and I noticed a lady bug had been stuck to our windshield for nearly the entire trip. These two instances struck me as a key coincidences because a butterfly is known to symbolize transformation and a ladybug is believed to be an embodiment of good luck. I took these random events and their timing as positive signs that my scan would be clear and I was still well on my path to healing and complete remission.

On September 18th, I received confirmation that my latest scan was clear and I’m still in remission. However, one of the most profoundly meaningful events of my entire cancer journey occurred two days later on September 20th, 2019.

One of the stories I had been telling myself was my body is broken and it may never be the same.

I believed that my days of playing competitive sports were over. I thought I was not strong of fit enough to play at a competitive level anymore. In my youth, I played junior Olympic volleyball for over 5 years, and was fortunate to play volleyball my freshman year in college at Dominican University in River Forest, Illinois. However, a severe ankle injury ended my collegiate volleyball career my sophomore year, and in a way, reinforced the belief that my sports days were pretty much over for good. After that year, I transferred universities and never played collegiate volleyball again.

Fast forward to present day, where I am now a mother of three and a stage 3 cancer survivor with a chest port from treatment still in place.

I still felt that story to be true, but deep down I hoped and prayed for a different outcome.

One of the ways I longed to celebrate overcoming my cancer and this year of recovery, was to spike a volleyball in remission. What seemed like a lofty goal ended up happening thanks to a little divine timing and perseverance.

For the second time this year I was invited to play at an alumni game at Dominican University. The date was close to the date of my scan so I was not intending to play. However, after I received the news my scan was clear the next day the current coach from Domincan’s Woman’s Volleyball team reached out to me again to confirm if I could play. I took this divine timing as a synchronicity that this a step I needed to take on my path to healing.

As I walked into my college gymnasium, I did my best to smile so that I could hold back my tears. Only 8 months prior, my children watched as I had to be taken by ambulance from my home because I was so ill. But on this night, my husband and three children were able to see me healthy and active, fully reclaiming my health and vitality.  

Here is a video of me from that night during warm-ups where I was able to turn my vision of remission into reality and a treasured memory for my family: I got to spike out cancer for good and knock a huge item off my bucket list in remission:

 

To further confirm this synchronicity, three days after I played in the alumni game, Facebook reminded me 8 years ago that very day I had received my college degree from DePaul University, ending that chapter of my life.


Sometimes we have to look back to realize just how far we’ve come. To view my journey in pictures visit my gallery.

Sometimes we have to look back to realize just how far we’ve come. To view my journey in pictures visit my gallery.




I had to smile in awe with the realization everything had come full circle.

I was finally ready to finally release those limiting beliefs about myself I had been holding onto for so long. Thanks to hard work, determination and some divine timing, I was finally able to change the ending of that story and start to heal.   

 Healing comes in many forms. However, I believe one of the first steps to healing is to develop the self-awareness to understand the stories you tell yourself and the meaning behind your experiences, both positive and negative.

From the divine timing of my diagnosis to the medical professionals placed in my path who have helped me achieve remission, I believe God is always speaking to us, sending us little messages, causing coincidences and serendipities, reminding us to stop, look around and to believe in something else, something more.

We do not always see God’s will and the divine plan when we are walking through it.

At times the paths we are walking become so crooked and tangled, we lose our faith and sight of the bigger picture. We forget that often it is our setbacks that are preludes to God’s deeper work. While our difficult circumstances can cloud our perception of reality, I believe God always sees the whole canvas, and lets us know in meaningful ways that we are right where we need to be.

Whether my experience was pure coincidence, my unconscious sending me a message, or the Divine giving me guidance… it doesn’t really matter in the end. What matters is that I took notice. Finding meaning in the seemingly ordinary events of my life has brought unrivaled comfort, healing, and direction into my life.

I hope the same is true for you.


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Sometimes we have to look back to realize just how far we’ve come.

To view my journey in pictures visit my gallery.

For my latest blog about how synchronicity is still playing a huge role in my healing journey check out my latest blog in my synchronicity series Faith, Synchronicity and Healing.

A big thanks to Neurologic Wellness Institute for being part of my healing journey and helping me celebrate remission by spiking out cancer!


For more on the topic of synchronicity:

Energizing Jung’s Ideas About Synchronicity- Psychology Today

Connecting with Coincidence with Dr. Bernie Beitman, MD - EP 13 - Guest: Roderick Main

Moving Forward; Not Moving On

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” English proverb

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.” English proverb

“Take a deep breath in and hold it…”

I took a giant gulp of air and held my breath for what seemed like an eternity.

“You can breathe now.”

My legs were shaking uncontrollably from the coldness in the room and the anxiety coursing through my body.

Suddenly, a river of warmth radiated through my body as the contrast dye flowed from my chest up my neck and throughout the rest of my body.

Months and weeks of dread and anticipation have led to this point. The truth is I will be holding my breath until I get the results of this latest CT scan.

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For the next few days I will be in this sort of agonizing limbo, where my future hangs on the results of today. This period is never easy.  I will never get used to having to plan my future and my family’s long-term plans in three-month increments.

One of the hardest parts of cancer treatment is the not knowing. The long periods when we must wait, hold our breath in anticipation of what’s next.

It’s hard to move on after you have cancer. Whether you’re lucky enough to reach remission, it seems you are always walking on eggshells, afraid that every weird sensation is your cancer resurfacing.

It’s hard to move on, when every three months you have a doctor’s visit, blood work or a scan that will stage your fate. It’s easy to get lost in this ambiguity. It’s difficult to stay positive amidst so much uncertainty.

But that’s the reality of life after cancer.

Life gets shaded differently after treatment. Once vibrant and full of life and certainty, your world suddenly becomes colored in varying shades of gray. Everything it seems now gets filtered through a different lens.

Our past and present unique life experiences color the lens through which we view the world. And sometimes it’s the darkness that brings color to our existence and meaning to our lives. I’m slowly learning I can’t stop these waves of uncertainty, and I’m getting better at riding the waves of ambiguity. I’m starting to find new ways of balancing the heartache that comes from the not knowing.

Living in the shadow of cancer helps you realize we are all just a heartbeat away from eternity.

We never really know what an hour or day may bring. I’ve found that sometimes it's the same moments that take your breath away are the same ones that breathe purpose and love back into your life. And many times, the only thing we have control over is how we choose to react to the challenges we face.

We are all searching for our perfect endings. We want our happily-ever-after.

But I’ve learned, the hard way, there is no moving on after cancer, there is only moving forward.

We push forward through all the uncertainty and the painful side effects from our treatment. Time and time again we pick ourselves up and carry on the fight because we now realize that to live is to risk. To love is to risk. We can’t and won’t allow fear to direct our choices.

Fear likes to be in charge. It wants us to forget that we’re not in control.

Fear wants us to forget that no one has all the answers and that manipulation and worry never work.

Fear encourages us to play out negative scenarios in our mind for our future and the future of the world.

But I’m slowly learning when I spend less and less time listening to fear and my inner critic, through practice, a little willingness and a shift in perceptionhow quickly I can rise above it.

Life is about not knowing, having to adapt, taking each moment as it comes and make the best of it—without knowing what’s going to happen next.

Challenges will come. Results may surprise. In the end, what we are waiting for is not as important as what happens to us while we are waiting. We must trust the process and let life unfold naturally. Just as butterflies remind us through their own transformation to keep the faith—all will work out exactly as it was meant to be.



"The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough." - Rabindranath Tagore

"The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough." - Rabindranath Tagore



10 Tips for the Newly Diagnosed

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Approximately every three minutes, someone in the United States is diagnosed with a blood cancer.

Two years ago, I dropped my youngest off at preschool and received a call an hour later that forever changed my family. I don’t remember much more the surgeon said to me besides the words “lymphoma” and “cancer.” After receiving the devastating news, time stood still. Then everything became a whirlwind of doctor’s appointments, lab tests and waiting for answers.

When you hear the word cancer, you feel a wide range of emotions from fear, grief and sadness. Even if you thought it might be cancer, the news it still shocking.  Despite the wide range of emotions you are feeling, it’s important to remember you aren’t alone. More than 1.3 million Americans are living with or in remission from a blood cancer. September is Blood Cancer Awareness Month, a time to honor cancer fighters and survivors of blood cancers like leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma that affect your bone marrow, blood cells or lymphatic system. Whether you are your loved one was recently diagnosed, here are some tips that may help you on your journey.

1.     Don’t dwell on the statistics. Cancer affects everyone differently. Not everyone loses their hair. Your journey is your own. Get a second opinion or a third. Look into clinical trials and explore new treatment options like immunotherapy. Instead of focusing on the statistics, seek out stories from other cancer survivors who achieved radical remission against all odds. Remember, no matter what the prognosis, there is a first time for everything are you are more than your diagnosis.

2.     Breathe. Hearing you have cancer is a difficult experience and may lead to a range of emotions. Grief, worry and fear are natural responses to such shocking news. Learning how to work through these powerful emotions can help lower your stress and help you heal. Be kind to yourself and try not to judge yourself for how you feel. Your emotions will often fluctuate as you move through treatment. A great practice I learned during treatment was how to use my breathing to calm my anxiety. There are many different breathing techniques that can reduce your anxiety and help you calm down almost instantly. One of my favorites it the 4-7-8 technique, which focuses on the following relaxing breathing pattern: Empty your lungs of air. Breathe in quietly through your nose for 4 seconds. Hold your breath for a count of 7 seconds, then exhale for 8 seconds.

3.     Take someone with you. The thought of living with cancer and treatment can be overwhelming. It may be hard for you to hear or remember anything you hear the news. Having an extra set of ears with you at your first appointments can help you understand your treatment options and next steps. It’s also a good idea to record your first appointment. There are many great apps you can use on your phone to record your first appointments to ensure you don’t miss any important details.

4.     Find Support. After a lump or a symptom leads you to the hospital or your doctor, there may be many days or weeks of waiting to have tests done and waiting for test results. This is often one of the most difficult and scary times for cancer patients as it’s when we undergo a battery of tests to stage our cancer and prepare for treatment. After I was diagnosed with Classical Hodgkins Lymphoma, one of the first things I did was join a Facebook group for my type of cancer. Getting connected with other cancer fighters and survivors gave me tremendous hope and helped me better prepare for treatment.

5.     Surround yourself with positivity. Whether it’s your favorite quotes, bible verses, song lyrics, or motivational videos, reading inspirational messages daily can help you cope with treatment. Make a Pinterest board of uplifting quotes or save them to your phone so you can view them during treatment. 

6.     Visualize a positive outcome. Your thoughts and words have the power to heal. Just as the mind’s reactions to stress can impair immunity and create illness, according to psychoneuroimmunology (PNI), it is believed that certain mental processes, like specific images and visualization procedures, can stimulate the immune system to better fight disease. Use your imagination to construct the following scenes in vivid detail: Imagine your immune system as little soldiers fighting and destroying your cancer. You can also imagine a luminescent stream of white light entering through the crown on your forehead radiating from your head to your toes healing you. Next, imagine yourself getting the news you are in remission. Picture yourself surrounded by family and friends ringing a bell to signify the end of your treatment. Repeat these visualizations daily. Remember: Think well, Act well, Feel well, Be well. Research shows that visualization has a calming effect, increasing optimism and giving you more control over your personal situation.

7.     Use mantras and sound to combat negative emotions. Anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety and even depression – all these difficult emotions are caused by over thinking. As Eckhart Tolle says, “It’s never the situation that causes suffering, it is your thoughts about it.” Thoughts come with their own emotional charge that researchers have discovered lasts about 90 seconds. The problem is we keep thinking over things, reigniting the emotional charge until we become sick, weak and drained of our vital energy. Mantras can help disrupt negative thoughts. They are specific sounds or vibrations that when chanted aloud or repeated silently, can create positive effects in any area of your physiology or life—for healing, transformation, and inner awakening. There are many mantras available to help support and increase your balance, harmony, and self-awareness. You can also receive similar effects by listening to mantra music, binaural beats and meditation music on YouTube or other music streaming services.

8.     Laugh. Laughter is the best medicine. A great way to pass the time during treatment or when you are anxious about an upcoming test or scan is to distract yourself with laughter. I don’t know about you but America’s Funniest Home Videos and baby videos can always make me smile.  

9.     Make a playlist.  Music has healing power. Sometimes there are no words that can relate to the depth of your feelings, but music can help bridge the divide. Make a playlist of your favorite songs and pump up anthems. You can also curate a special “Cancer Killer Mix” by asking your friends or family to send songs that you will listen to during treatment. Chemotherapy can take hours and what better way to pass the time than listening to your favorite songs and discovering new music.

10.     Look into local resources. Hospitals and cancer societies like the American Cancer Society and other national and international organizations have many resources to help you and your loved ones manage your lives and get the emotional support you need through treatment and recovery. Free wigs, rides to treatment, lodging programs and financial assistance are some of the many local resources that can help you and your loved ones during treatment and beyond.

 

 

Sources:

1.     Immunotherapy for All Cancer Types – Cancer Research Institute

2.     Blood Cancer Awareness Statistics- LLS

3.     Radical Remission Case Studies

4.     Calming Breathing Techniques- Healthline

5.     Apps for Voice Recording -Techzilla

6.     PNI Visualization Techniques for Serious Illnesses – Psychology Today

7.     Healing Mantras – Chopra Center

8.     Binaural Beats Health Benefits- Healthline

9.     American Cancer Society Resources

10.  Cancer Patient Resource Websites

11.  International Resources for Cancer Patients & Caregivers

12.  My Treatment for Stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma

Beating the Odds: Cancer, Luck & Genetics

What role does luck play in our chances of getting cancer?

What role does luck play in our chances of getting cancer?

Why is a four-leaf clover lucky?  As a mom, I often have to field questions like this from my children and admittedly as I approach my first full year of remission, ‘luck’ has been on my mind. What does it mean to be lucky and can someone change their luck, especially when it comes to their health?

When we receive a diagnosis of cancer or hear of someone else’s diagnosis, our knee-jerk response is often to say it’s a case of bad luck. But when something ‘good’ happens, like getting a dream job or buying a new house or car, people tend to attribute that to a certain amount of luck or good fortune. However, getting diagnosed with cancer or another serious illness can turn out to be a blessing for many people; many cancer survivors often claim it was the best thing that could have happened to them.

What if cancer is not a curse, but simply our body’s way of getting rid of something that does not belong to it, or that should not be there? When we view life this way, the diagnosis of cancer, or any other serious illness, becomes an opportunity rather than an unfortunate event.  

Where science and luck intersect has long been of interest to many. New research into the science of luck shows that it is not some mystical force—it requires action, and many of the events that may seem like random chance are not so random after all. By combining recent discoveries in psychology, genetics and neuroscience, experts are developing a new way of understanding luck and what it means for our health.

More than Luck? It’s in the Genes

Why do we get cancer? What makes the cells in our bodies start to rapidly change and divide out of control?

Overall, inherited mutations are thought to play a role in about 5 to 10 percent of all cancers. This can be compared to what happens in nature in a field of clover. Usually, we see 3 leaves on each clover. However, once in a while, we find a clover that has an extra leaf making it a four-leaf clover. We don’t know why Mother Nature decided to add that extra leaf—she just did.

There is no obvious explanation since all the clover plants grew in the same soil and were exposed to the same sun and rain. Mother Nature just decided to add an extra leaf to one of the clover in the field. This doesn’t make it better or not as good as the other clover— it’s just different. It is much the same when we or someone we love develops cancer. We don’t know exactly why the cells started to change and rapidly divide out of control. Some say this happens due to a combination of genetics, our environment and perhaps even luck.

About 1 in 10,000 of clover also known as Trifolium repens  has four leaves instead of the usual three seen in the traditional Irish shamrock. It’s widely believed it brings a person good luck when they find a four-leaf clover; however the reason for the extra leaf is rooted in science. In 2010, scientists at the University of Georgia found a gene that produces a fourth leaf on Trifolium repens. Because four-leaf clovers are a mutation, they are rare, and not found in the same abundance as the typical three-leafed shamrock—making them both rare and lucky. 

Epigenetics and the Future of Healthcare

“to think that one gene equals one trait is a mistake… you don’t realize the ramifications that one change can make on everything else around it – Tracy Gapin 

Inside each cell in the human body there is a copy of DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) which is made up of billions of base pairs of proteins. According to Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation President, Dr. Stephen Prescott, “About 99.5 percent of human DNA is identical, but the differences in that .5 percent are what make us individuals. Changes in the DNA are called mutations and we all have them. Some make no difference at all, while others are linked to everything from hair color and height to different diseases like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, as well as cancer and developmental disorders.”

The collective name for the processes by which cells designate some genes for use and others for storage is called epigenetics. Epigenetics is key to an organism’s development. A human embryo develops from a single cell and must be able to develop hundreds of different types of cells such as muscle cells, nerve cells and kidney cells that comprise a human being. The specific set of switched-on genes within a cell determine the type of cell it is. Certain epigenetic factors influence which genes are active — which are in use by the cell — and which are not.

“Almost all of the cells of our bodies (except certain immune cells) have exactly the same genes — the same ‘hardware,'” says Myles Brown, MD, co-director of Dana-Farber’s Center for Functional Cancer Epigenetics and professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. “It is the specific ‘software’ that a cell is running that determines its cellular identity. In cancer, both defects in the hardware (gene mutations) and ‘bugs’ in the software (epigenetic alterations) play major roles.”

The most common explanation for cancer is genetic: misaligned chromosomes, misspelled DNA, or miscopied genes all interfere with a cell’s basic programming, sending the cell into hyper-growth. As knowledge of the epigenome grows, we continue to learn more about how the substances we consume and the social situations we are in influence the way our genes are expressed. By better understanding genetics and how our genes can cause diseases, researchers hope to prevent the onset of illnesses or find new treatments for cancer and diseases we already have. However, unlike genetic mutations, epigenetic changes are potentially reversible. This raises the possibility that drugs capable of returning epigenetic markers to their normal setting could be extraordinarily effective in treating and perhaps even curing cancer.

Luck and What it Means for Health

Luck isn't just the outcome of chance events. Improbable events are likely to happen if given enough opportunities. So how do we tip the scale in our favor and become luckier, especially when it comes to our health?

Dr. Richard Wiseman is a professor of psychology at the University of Hertfordshire and the bestselling author of many books including: Luck Factor.  What his work shows as a whole is that people can change their luck.

Luck is not something supernatural in nature. It's something that we are creating by our thoughts and behavior.  Dr. Wiseman ran a series of experiments called "Luck School" where he taught unlucky people how to act more like lucky people do. The result? In total, 80 percent of people who attended Luck School said that their luck had increased. On average, these people estimated that their luck had increased by more than 40 percent. And not only were they luckier afterward, tests results showed they were also happier.

 [Watch this video for more on his experiment]

According to Dr. Wiseman, we can increase our luck by following  4 basic principles rooted in science and psychology:

1. Lucky people take advantage of opportunities. Lucky people create, notice, and act upon the chance opportunities in their lives. Lucky people are always willing to try new things. Unlucky people suffered from paralysis by analysis. They typically won’t do anything until they walked through every single scenario and unfortunately by then the world had moved on. They don't gain the benefits of learning by doing. Wiseman’s research also shows certain personality types are luckier because they tend to create scenarios that maximize opportunities, thereby increasing the odds of a lucky outcome.

Who is more lucky?

  • People who are extroverted: More time with others, more interesting possibilities.

  • People who aren't anxious: Tense, anxious people are less likely to notice and take advantage of opportunities.

  • People who are open to new experiences: Without embracing the new, you're probably not going to have many interesting things happen.

2. Lucky people follow their intuition. When your body has expertise in a certain area, somehow your body and the brain have detected a pattern that you haven't consciously recognized and that signals your intuition. Lucky people stop and consider those feelings or special hunches.  However, when unlucky people got those feelings, they didn't follow them because they didn't know where they came from. They were anxious about the world. Want to increase your luck? Simply follow your gut more often.

3. Lucky people's attitudes help them transform bad luck into good. Lucky people aren't always lucky — but they handle adversity differently than unlucky people. Lucky people see the positive side of their bad luck. Lucky people are convinced that any bad turn of events in their lives will, in the long run, work out for the best. Lucky people do not dwell on their misfortune; instead they take steps to prevent more bad luck in the future. How do you respond to disappointment? When things get tough in life you have two choices: fold or keep going. Lucky people are very resilient.

4. Lucky people expect good things to happen to them. Be an optimist.  It turns out a little delusion can be beneficial. You're more likely to try new things, follow through on opportunities and find success if you believe things will work out well. Lucky people also believe in superstitions. Several studies have shown good luck charms do improve performance, whether it's physical skills like playing golf or mental skills like memory tasks.

Luck is similar to gratitude in that a lot depends on your perspective. Even when bad things happen, lucky people respond to adversity differently, often finding the positive side to their misfortune. When it comes to luck and our health, we often have greater control over our future than we realize. We can change our luck and now science is even showing we may be able to alter our genes, improve our health and even reverse diseases through our thoughts, behavior and healthy lifestyle choices.

Sources:

https://omrf.org/2014/03/17/theres-more-than-luck-behind-a-four-leaf-clover/

http://treytonsposse.com/about/clover/

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/genetics/genetic-testing-fact-sheet

https://blog.dana-farber.org/insight/2018/01/epigenetics-cancer-research/

https://mantalks.com/tracy-gapin/

https://theweek.com/articles-amp/617478/how-become-luckier-according-science

The Science of Luck https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NHSmOcX6wU

(Dr. Wiseman’s Experiment)

Perfectly Imperfect

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.” ShakespeareWhat matters is what something is, not what it is called. Though our bodies may be scarred from treatment or worn-out from illness, our spirit is etern…

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.” Shakespeare

What matters is what something is, not what it is called. Though our bodies may be scarred from treatment or worn-out from illness, our spirit is eternal and ultimately unshakeable. We must remember, above else we are SURVIVORS. Although we may feel broken at times, our imperfections often highlight our true essence when we are brave enough to peel back the layers of scar tissue. We can discover that at our core lies incredible strength and resilience against any adversity.


There have been many times in my life where I’ve felt irreparably damaged and broken. Whether it was after learning I had cancer or simply something I did or said, there have been plenty of times where I wish I could rewind the clock. It would take everything in my power not to run and hide because I’m was so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed by something I said, did —  or perhaps failed to do.

But the thing I’ve discovered about shame is that it thrives in silence. It tries to will you to remain silent because of the fear you won’t be accepted. Your imperfections are too much and will make others uncomfortable so it is better to hide them away. Shame also causes you to endlessly cycle through your past actions looking for reasons why something happened, some explanation to make sense of the chaos of the all the stirred-up emotions guilt can bring. However, the most important thing my mistakes have taught me over time is that there is true power when you freely admit the things you’ve said or done wrong, then take steps to remedy the situation. I believe it is only through awareness and acceptance that we are truly able to grow and heal.

I recently learned about the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi and have been trying to apply this concept to my daily life as I work on recovering from my recent cancer treatment. The truth is getting cancer in my 30s, as a young wife and mother, opened my eyes and gave me a glimpse into my mortality. No matter how you slice it, getting diagnosed with any life-changing illness is a wake-up call. It forces you to reexamine your life and your priorities in ways you never thought you would have imagined. In many ways, cancer has caused me to hit my internal reset button and become fully committed to improving my health, balance and overall wellness, both physically and mentally.

The Japanese Philosophy of Wabi-Sabi

Wabi-sabi means a state of acceptance for the imperfections in life. Wabi-sabi encourages us to focus on the blessings hiding in our daily lives, celebrating the way things are, rather than how they should be. Because when you appreciate everything, the good and the bad, you are appreciating the flow of life.

According to Mike Sturm, “Wabi-sabi is about accepting yourself and building on what you already have in life.  Embracing wabi-sabi is as easy (or as difficult) as understanding and accepting yourself — imperfections and all. It’s about being compassionate with yourself as you are and building on whatever that is — not feverishly trying to rebuild yourself to pose as something else entirely.”

 Wabi-sabi is timeless wisdom that values tranquility, harmony, beauty and imperfection, and it can also strengthen your resilience in the face of materialism and as well as during turbulent times.

I could focus on the whys. I could fret about the how’s. I could live in a constant state of panic and worry that my cancer will return. And believe me, I have and still sometimes do. As a life-long perfectionist, I can be incredibly hard on myself. I have a hard time letting go of things. But as part of my healing, I’m choosing to focus on embracing my imperfections and finding beauty in my scars. I’ve always viewed my scars as a sign of strength. They are little signposts letting others know, I’ve lived through this and you can too.

Nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.

In Zen philosophy, there are seven core principles of wabi-sabi:

  • Kanso — simplicity

  • Fukinsei — asymmetry or irregularity

  • Shibumi — beauty in the understated

  • Shizen — naturalness without pretense

  • Yugen — subtle grace

  • Datsuzoku — freeness

  • Seijaku — tranquility

     

    The concept of wabi-sabi also has its roots in the traditional Japanese tea ceremony. To illustrate this philosophy in action, one is often told to think of a well-loved teacup, cracked and chipped through constant use. This helps remind us that nothing in life is permanent — even fixed objects change over time. Another great example of the concept of wabi-sabi is found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highlighted. This is not to say the artist was careless or unskilled (wabi-sabi isn’t an excuse for poor craftsmanship). Wabi-sabi draws attention to the cracks in a tea cup as part of the beauty of the imperfections.

The philosophy of wabi-sabi can be found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highligh…

The philosophy of wabi-sabi can be found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highlighted.

Learning to Let Go

 I’ve been doing my best to relax, slow down, step back from the world and find enjoyment and gratitude for the little things. I believe it comes down to your mindset. How you frame things or an experience as either positive or negative comes down to many factors. But I’ve learned the words you say matter and your intentions are incredibly powerful. Positive intentions have the power to transform your life and the lives of those around you.

 Nothing in life is without change. Wabi-sabi offers relief against the perils of constantly striving for perfection or having a hard time letting go of our past. This age-old wisdom teaches us that dynamic impermanence is the natural state of all things. And since change is inevitable, trying to hold on to the past or the present is pointless and causes needless stress.


Stability can make us feel safe but it is a shaky foundation because it is ultimately built on the misguided assumption that things won't change— because everything does. When a sudden change comes like a loss, a layoff or an illness, the shock can be overwhelming. I’ve learned firsthand that we are desperately trying to hang on to what we know in a crisis, it can knock us flat. But when we surrender to what is and accept what is happening (not necessarily happy or condoning it, simply remaining realistic about what is happening), our lives may still get turned upside down, but we can and often do recover sooner, when we learn to go with the flow of things.

It is through embracing our perfectly imperfect selves that true healing begins. So when I’m having a hard time or feeling stuck these days, I have started the practice of asking myself:

 

Am I acting in fear or with faith?

Am I part of the disease or part of the cure?

 

Try to remember this when you feel broken too.

"Even if you’re stubborn or moody or judgmental, I will love you anyway. And when I’m stubborn, moody, and judgmental I’ll try to do the same for myself. I’ll try to rise above petty thoughts and sweeping generalizations and keep sight of who you and I really are: good people who are doing our best to navigate a sometimes-painful world. Because we all stress and strain and struggle sometimes. We all get fed up, ticked off, and let down, and at times we all lash out. In these moments when we feel lost and down on ourselves, it helps to see ourselves through the eyes of someone who believes in us. And it helps to remember we’re not alone, and that someone else really cares." ~Lori Deschene

Sources:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/wabi-sabi-the-japanese-philosophy-for-a-perfectly-imperfect-life-11563e833dc0

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-embrace-imperfections-with-wabi-sabi



Everybody Dies, but Not Everyone Lives

hopeful-morning

A little over a year ago, I came face to face with my own mortality. Sure, I’ve looked fear in the eyes before and had seemingly cheated death a couple times. But this time? This was the first time I felt like my life was in serious danger. Cancer, chemotherapy and endless tests and procedures soon became my family’s reality when I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma in November 2017. For the first time in my life, my future became this unpredictable web of uncertainty. Sure the life I had envisioned for my family was still right there in front of me but it was somehow now out of grasp. I silently wondered how many more days I would have with those I love.

How do you pull yourself together, when everything is seemingly falling apart? It’s a question I often wrestle with. The truth is keeping your sh$t together when your world appears like one big dumpster fire is no easy task.

I’ve found it’s often a daily mind game full of terrifying what ifs and impossible choices. But through it all, I’ve come to learn the fact that you still have a choice really IS the true blessing.

Although at times your battle becomes painfully real again the moment you open your eyes, the fact that your eyes are open and there is air in your lungs is a miracle. Celebrate it. The fact you can move your body and feel the embrace of others is a gift. Appreciate it. If you can still hear a beautiful melody or a loved one’s voice. Treasure it.  No matter what your day looks like or how depleted and drained your body feels...YOU are still HERE.

 Nearly losing my life has taught me the beauty each day holds when we stop to savor the little things. Like the crunch of the winter snow under my boots and the way the snow seems to glisten in the moonlight. Or how my daughter’s eye lashes form the perfect half moon shape. And how my children’s laughter can lighten the darkest mood.

Each morning that I get to rise offers another chance to get it right and each night provides a moment to pause and be grateful I had another opportunity to become a better version of myself. Surviving cancer has taught me the importance of living for today…living for more time with those I love. Treasuring the good, bad and ugly today brings because our tomorrows, no matter how bright… are never guaranteed.

All we ever have is NOW.

Are you living or merely surviving?

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past, if you are anxious, you are living in the future, if you are at peace, you are living in the present.” Lao Tzu

Faith, God and Synchronicity - Part 2

angel feather.jpg

When you’re going through a difficult time you may have been told in some capacity that “everything happens for a reason.” While some may find this comforting, the truth is, many people cannot accept that their pain, their loss or their tragedy happened for a reason.

And that’s okay.

I tend to look at things differently. Actually, I often look at things a million different ways, analyzing and scrutinizing every detail until I eventually come to some sort of conclusion. While this can be exhausting, my over-analytical mind finds solace in examining every detail in hopes it catches something— some clue as to why something happened.

But as much as we need to look within ourselves for the will and resolve to push forward when life knocks us down, we also need to sometimes turn outside ourselves to often find the reason WHY.  I’ve learned that when terrible things happen for no explicable reason, turning to our faith can give us the strength to power through the adversity and pain—it can also lead us to some profound realizations.

As my previous post on this subject detailed, my husband and I routinely see repeating number patterns among other signs from heaven. It’s been a running joke and a bright spot in a rather dark few years. It seems that just when we are desperately in need of answers, heaven answers the call.


As I detailed in my latest treatment update, I’ve been dealing with some troubling symptoms since the end of October. I’ve been growing more and more fatigued, with pain radiating down both arms, low appetite and a concerning pain on my left side near my rib cage. I had many of these same symptoms before I was diagnosed and I was very alarmed I was possibly relapsing or had some serious complications to my spleen from treatment.

I went back and forth to Northwestern and my oncologist several times this past week for labs and testing. Thankfully all my bloodwork looked good for the most part—just my iron level was very low. The ultrasound of my spleen came back normal but the pain on the left side of my stomach kept growing stronger and more acute.

By Thursday evening I was now unable to eat, feeling breathless and very concerned something could seriously be wrong, despite my oncologist’s opinion that everything was fine because the ultrasound of my spleen was normal. I just knew something was wrong because I’ve never felt pain like this before in my life.

The pain was very alarming and despite having a normal ultrasound, my gut told me I needed to push for more extensive testing, specifically a CT with contrast and an MRI to determine what was going on with me because I knew something just wasn’t right.

Flooded with heavy emotions with the realization that something could be deadly wrong, I prayed as hard as I could to God, as well as my other spirit allies Archangel Michael and my loved ones in heaven (many of whom were medical professionals during their time here on Earth).

Through tears, I asked for their intercession and help in saying the right things medically so that I could be properly diagnosed. I feared I was nearing death after just cheating it. I prayed for my children and my family that we would find answers before it was too late.  


Later that Friday afternoon, I received word that the soonest my oncologist would be able to see me was Monday.  My symptoms were growing more and more acute. It was now harder to breathe and I was unable to eat solid foods.

I desperately made a call to my primary doctor and pleaded with the nurse who answered to get me in last minute. Thankfully they were able to.  I could finally start to relax.

I hung up the phone and looked at the clock next to my bed. It read 2:22pm.

The first sign.

Note: “Angel number 222 tells you that everything will turn out for the best in the long-term. Do not put your energies into negativity – be aware that all is being working out by spirit for the highest good of all involved…Angel Number 222 is a message of faith and trust from your angels. Remember that nothing happens by chance and everything happens for a reason. Maintain a positive attitude and you will find that everything will have positive results and you will receive abundant blessings in Divine right timing.”


After seeing me Friday afternoon, my primary doctor agreed my symptoms were troubling and could possibly indicate I had an issue with my spleen/ pancreas or blood clot in my lungs. We immediately went to the ER Friday evening. The ER did an emergency CT scan which thankfully determined I’m still in remission and do not have a blood clot or anything life-threatening that would require emergency surgery.  

Relieved with the news from my CT scan I started to text my parents, when a shiny plaque in my ER room caught my eye. The sign read the names of whom the room was sponsored by. From my position, I could only make out the name MICHAEL.

The second sign.  

michael sign


Note: This is a picture I took from my ER bed after receiving the news my broad CT scan was clear and I was definitely still in remission. The name Michael has a lot of significance to me as I often pray to Archangel Michael as well as my cousin Michael who is in heaven.

dr. michael malis.jpeg

This is a picture of my cousin Dr. Michael Malis.  He was an incredible radiologist and I just felt him there with me holding my hand through all this uncertainty—especially during the excruciating wait for test results. I truly believe this was a sign that my prayers were answered.


I was admitted to the hospital on 11/17 for ongoing monitoring due to the pain and irregular heart rate. My MRI on 11/18/18 later showed I have two herniated discs in my spine. One is in my upper back behind my rib cage and are compressing on a nerve that’s why I’ve been feeling breathless and having trouble eating because that nerve also impacts my stomach.  

During my stay I also had significant fluctuations in my heart rate so the doctors are now thinking I may potentially have an autonomic disorder called POTS—postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. I have several follow up appointments to confirm. This is a rather new disorder that they unfortunately are still learning how best to treat but a diagnosis of dysautonomia and POTS is somewhat comforting because it confirms a lot of symptoms I’ve been experiencing my entire life.

My diagnosis of POTS could also help my oldest daughter with her own health struggles as she was recently diagnosed with epilepsy. Her anti-seizure medication appears to be making her worse and my gut told me this could be a possible reason why. POTS and dysautonomia have a genetic component. This would explain why the ER doctors who saw my daughter exactly a month early during her ER stay (10/18/18) thought she may have a form of fainting/ syncope  and not epilepsy.  But given her abnormal EEG she was put on anti-seizure medication as a precaution.

The third sign.  

Note the coincidence: Both my daughter and I were admitted to the ER and diagnosed with a potentially life-altering diagnosis-exactly a month apart. My daughter went to the ER and was diagnosed on 10/18/18. I received my diagnosis 11/18/18. Notice the synchronicity of the repeating numbers in the date too.


On Sunday 11/18, I was beyond relieved when my MRI showed a definite cause of my pain. I texted my dad with the great news. After we all took a huge sigh of relief with the news, he sent me the following text. The following exchange still gives me chills. If this isn’t a “Hello” from heaven, I don’t know what is.

Note: This is a picture of my Grandpa John who was a medic during WWII. Although I was never blessed enough to meet him in this life, I’ve prayed to him many times for help during my journey. I believe this is his way of saying he’s listening and is always with us—no matter how much time as passed. The fact that we finally received some reassuring answers on what would have been his 97th birthday is a wonderful synchronicity.

The fourth sign.


On Monday 11/19, my dad was able to take me back to Northwestern for a follow-up appointment with my oncologist. We were hoping for answers and for her guidance on next steps now that we finally have some idea as to what could be the source of my ongoing pain and discomfort.

As we circled the parking garage looking for a spot, I did what I always do when I get desperate for parking in Chicago… I pray to the angels for help! Almost instantly, my dad decides it was better to play the odds and we start to exit in the hopes we would find a better spot in the lower levels. I smiled as we circled the corner and I saw we were rounding level number 5.

I yelled “Come on lucky number 5!” (5 has always been my lucky number because I was born 12/5/85.)  I kid you not, it seemed as soon as I uttered those words taillights appeared in a spot conveniently located near the elevator (making it a whole lot easier on me). We then had to smile in disbelief when we checked the time as we got out.

It was 1:11 pm.

IMG_1284.jpg

As we approached the elevators I laughed and smiled again in disbelief. At quick glance the numbers on the three elevators ahead read 444 and stated we were now over St. Clair Street.

IMG_1285.jpg

The fifth sign.

Note: I believe repeating number patterns and names are forms of synchronicities that are signs from heaven and often clues to deeper meaning. It is often said the numbers 444 resonate with the vibrations of the Archangels.

“Angel Number 444 asks that you pay attention to your intuition and inner-wisdom as your connection with your angels and the angelic realm is very strong at this time. You are encouraged to continue on your current path as your drive and determination will lead to success and fulfillment.

 Angel Number 444 is a message that the angels and Archangels are with you, encouraging and guiding you. They are offering you positive energies, inner-strength and support to enable you to get the work done that you need to. They know and understand that you have been toiling diligently towards your goals, and encourage you to continue on your current path to achieve the success and results you desire. Use your strong connection with the angelic realm to your benefit and be open to their promptings and messages. Listen to your intuition and follow its guidance.”


 

My Clair Family Angels

My Clair Family Angels

 

 “Clair” exactly how it is spelled  in the sign over the elevator , was my mother’s maiden name and I’ve been praying a lot to my Grandma and Grandpa Clair as well as my uncle, Dr. Daniel Clair  (pictured here) for help during this difficult time. I named my youngest daughter Vivian “Clair” as a way to keep the memory of the Clair family alive.  I believe this was another powerful sign from my loved ones in heaven assuring me they are indeed always with me, no matter how much time or space separates us.


While at times it can be hard to accept that everything happens for a reason, I believe if we focus our intentions on where we look, we can see heaven is often sending us signs of reassurance we are never alone in our struggles.

Throughout my journey I’ve been through an incredible amount of pain and uncertainty. But if by sharing my story, I can help just one person have a better sense of peace that they too can make it through their difficult season—it will have all been worth it. If I can help just one person get diagnosed, I may save a life—and it will all have been worth it. 

I believe everything truly does happen for a reason. No matter how far our struggle may seem to drag us off course, with faith we can find solace and eventually meaning.

Like tonight, when I prayed and gave thanks for the recent turn of events and asked for guidance on what to write about next. As I went to pick up my phone next to my alarm clock, I had my answer. It was 11:11 pm.

 

1111 time to pay attention

Note: This REALLY happened. I legit haven’t adjusted the time on my bedside clock. It runs a few minutes fast and I haven’t changed it because for some reason, I see the most significant repeating numbers on this clock.  As I wondered why, my eyes were drawn upwards to the crucifix I had hung over that spot near my bed a year ago when this journey started. I again had my answer from heaven. This time it was just a little clearer so hopefully you could see it too.


Read Faith, God and Synchronicity Part 1

Read my latest blog on this topic: Synchronicity of Healing: Drawing Straight with Crooked Lines

Sources:

See the meanings of Angel numbers 111, 222, 444.








To My Fellow Warrior Who Was Just Diagnosed with Cancer

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To My Fellow Warrior Who Was Just Diagnosed,

3 words can change everything can’t they?

I’ll never forget the soul-crushing anguish that washed over me as soon as I heard the words, “You have cancer.”

I’ll never forget the weight I felt carrying the news of my dreaded diagnosis and having to tell those I love and care about, especially my three young children, just how sick I was.

But I’ll also never forget the bear hug I received from a complete stranger after I broke down in tears at my children’s school explaining I had just been diagnosed with cancer.

I’ll never forget the outpouring of love and support my family and I received after the news that I had cancer spread.

Know that it’s okay to be terrified. It’s okay that your tears won’t stop and the worry won’t leave.  And even though you don’t feel like it now, you are strong and incredibly brave.  You are not alone in this fight. You CAN get through this. And you WILL.  Many times you may wonder how you will go on.  But I’ve learned the HOW isn’t important. It’s ultimately your WILL that matters.

Your willpower is more than staying positive. It’s digging down deep into your primal will to survive. It’s focusing on the WHY you are fighting when you start to feel like WHY should I keep going? It’s focusing on WHO you are fighting for when you feel like you are losing yourself amidst all the pain and uncertainty of this battle.

Cancer has been by far the worst thing that has happened to both me and my family, but in many ways it has also been a blessing. Overcoming cancer has caused me to view every day as an opportunity rather than just an another obstacle I have to get through. It has brought me closer to family and friends and helped me to realize the depth of my own strength.  And it has taught me to see and appreciate my own beauty even when I hardly recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror.

Although the testing, treatments, procedures and waiting for answers seems like it will never end. I promise you it will.  Believe it or not, this crazy, wild ride will one day become a blur in your rearview mirror.  And even though it seems like cancer has taken everything from you—YOU, my warrior, are still here.

Your story isn’t over yet.

Fight on!

The Hopeful Warrior

When Prayers are Answered

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If there is anything this last year has taught me, it’s that prayers ARE answered. It’s simply a matter of time and perspective until we realize we are never alone and our cries for help—whether we utter them out loud or hold them within our hearts, never go unheard or unnoticed.

When I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer last year, I began using this angel calendar as a way to reflect and start my day with positive intention. This Friday morning, after a long day and night at the ER with my daughter, I went to clear away the previous day’s message and was struck by the timing and synchronicity of the message.


“All my prayers are heard and answered in miraculous ways.”

It was as if heaven was reaching out to say, “We’ve heard you. It will be okay.”

After months of uncertainty, my daughter will finally be getting the treatment she needs. As difficult as it is, I've come to accept that we must learn to trust the wait. We must learn to be comfortable living with uncertainty and ambiguity. Because I have learned that while we are waiting for answers, God is working.

I’ve seen him working through the skilled hands of the surgeon that repaired my infant daughter’s tiny heart.

I’ve felt his presence guiding the team of doctors who worked to strategically block off blood flow to my husband’s brain—through a tiny artery in his leg so they could remove the malformation that was close to taking his life.

I’ve witnessed his grace and providence through the tireless efforts of my oncology team that helped me treat and overcome lymphoma last year with immunotherapy—a medical breakthrough for cancer patients around the world, many who were out of hope.

As a mother, as a significant other and as a patient myself—I’ve learned prayers are answered and miracles do happen. I’m living proof and so is my family.