8 Lessons I've Learned from Having Cancer

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It has almost been a month since my last chemo. I finally feel like the fog of treatment is lifting, and life has begun to return to a sense of normalcy. Now that the predictable uncertainty of treatment is over, I’ve had time to reflect on these past 9 months since I learned I had cancer.

I say predictable uncertainty because treatment offered a predictable routine, however, in the back of my mind, I was always wondering if my symptoms would get progressively worse as time went on. There were days of constant nausea and vomiting. I’ve been so weak I’ve been unable to stand upright,  spending most of my day hunched over in distress due to excruciating stomach pains. There were embarrassing times, like having to puke in a Ziplock bag in an elevator full of people. (Yes, really!)  There were also amazing times like learning I was in remission halfway through treatment.  There were times when I was humbled and awestruck by the outpouring of support for my family. 

Getting diagnosed with a serious illness or experiencing a loss or trauma forever changes you. Your world gets shaken to its core. Sure, the world keeps spinning, yet life will never be quite the same. Here are eight lessons I’ve learned through my journey with Stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma:

1.     Our struggles can lead us to our strengths. Sometimes the worst things that happen to us put us on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. I’ve learned that when life rips you to pieces, you get to decide how to put yourself together again. Tough moments shape our future selves. The same boiling water that softens a potato, hardens the egg. It’s not about the circumstances, it’s about discovering what you’re made of.

2.     Focus on what you can control. Let everything else go. There is great power that comes with learning to embrace uncertainty. I’ve learned we must trust the wait and learn to accept what we cannot change. Because when nothing is certain, anything becomes possible.  One way to do this is to focus do your attention on what you need to get today and do it to the best of your ability. Take things moment by moment if you have to. Remember you can only climb the part of the mountain that is underfoot.

3.     I am the hero of my story. We will all face difficult seasons that push our limits and test our faith. But the truth is, no one else can walk through the fire for you. While we cannot control what happens to us, we CAN control how we respond. You must stop waiting for someone else to save you. I’ve learned the only way out of any difficult situation is to go through it, facing my troubles head on.

4.     Choose hope over fear. One of my favorite quotes is, “Hope and fear cannot occupy the same place. Invite one to stay” by Maya Angelou. I've come to accept the fact that no amount of worry can change the future. I'm learning to let go of the what-ifs and the what-could-be’s. You have to surrender to what is and have faith in what will come. Instead of worrying about the what could go wrong, get excited about what could go right.

5.     Make peace with your broken pieces. Embrace the chaos and the glorious mess you are. Appreciate your scars because they are proof you are stronger than what hurt you. I am learning to love the person in the mirror who has been through so much but is still standing. Because the truth is we are never as broken as we think we are. Sure, we have our battle scars, but then again, all great heroes do.

6.      Showing up means more than words. I will never forget those that went out of their way to show up for me by helping support my family throughout my treatment. Never underestimate a kind gesture or the power of sharing space with another person. Your actions and presence can make all the difference in someone’s life.

7.     The time is now. Sometimes ‘later’ never comes. We need to be careful about the things we put on the back burner of life. A major illness or tragedy is an expert at reminding us of our own mortality. It calls you to put your priorities in the right order and urges you to take action while you still can. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. I will never let myself forget about the wonderful gift it is to be alive each day.

8.     This is tough. But I’m tougher. Throughout your life you will encounter may defeats, but you must not become defeated. Our tough seasons have a way of exposing our character. I've learned pressure of these times often squeezes out bits of ourselves that we didn’t know existed.

When you feel as though you can’t go on, take a moment and put your hand over your heart. As you feel your heart beating in your chest, take a deep breath and remind yourself, “I am still here. Through all the difficulties I have faced, I am still standing.” You must remember your difficulties don’t define you, rather, they strengthen your ability to overcome the next challenge you will face.

“I am still here because I refuse to let anything or anyone decide what I get to have. I am still here because I refuse to let my trauma have the last word. I am still here because I will not let a nightmare have more power than my dreams. I am still here because I didn’t allow the hard time to make me weak; I willed it to make me strong.”

— Rachel Hollis

I am thankful for all my challenges because they’ve helped to shape me into a better version of myself. By far, cancer has been one of the most difficult challenges I’ve ever faced. However, I believe that by leaning into my faith and choosing hope over fear, I have been able to weather this storm.

Faith, God and Synchronicity

I’ve almost died four times.

The first time, I was about four years old. I was with my mother and brother after eating at a restaurant. I started to run into the parking lot and was nearly struck by a car. At the last moment, my brother grabbed the back of my shirt and tackled me to safety.

More recently, I had another brush with death when I was diagnosed with cancer last year. Whether it was your own close call with death, a vivid dream of a departed loved one or witnessing the birth of a child, we’ve all had miraculous or inexplicable experiences, that left us awestruck and wondering, is there more to life than this?

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I was raised in a family with deep Catholic roots. I went to Catholic schools from kindergarten until I graduated college. Yet, even steeped in this highly religious environment, I would consider myself a conflicted Catholic. Admittedly, while I pray daily and share my faith at home with my children, we do not frequently go to church. However, while I have outwardly questioned my faith at times, I have never abandoned my belief in God.

“One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
“Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You’d walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most,
You would leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you.”

— Mary Stevenson

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Looking back on my life, there have been many times that my faith has been tested. However, like the poem beautifully illustrates, I feel intrinsically linked with the Lord. Sure, there were times when I questioned my faith and I lost my trust in the church. Yet, even in my lowest points, I have felt the grace of God with me.

One of the ways I am constantly reminded of this connection is through synchronicities. The term synchronicity was first coined by the Swiss psychologist Carl Jung to describe a meaningful coincidence which seems to defy probability and “normal” explanations.

We’ve all had them – those moments when something happens that makes you ponder the role of design in the universe and your own place within it. Examples of synchronicity would be a random conversation between passersby that appear to address your own inner questions; sequences of events that completely escape a daily routine and lead you to unexpected new circumstances; or a music in the radio that accompanies a unique moment you’re experiencing. Synchronicities are events that occur and coincide together, related by meaning rather than a visible cause.

For about four years now, my husband and I have been seeing repeating number sequences like 11:11, 2:22, 4:44 every day. We often see repeating numbers when checking the time, on bills, license plates‒ you name it.  We came to find that these are referred to as ‘Angel numbers’ and each number sequence carries its own meaning. It is said that angels and our spirit guides use these number sequences to guide us and let us know we are on the right spiritual path.

One of my favorite examples of embracing synchronicities occurred when we were house hunting. About 2.5 years ago, we came to  the sad realization after the birth of our twins that we were quickly outgrowing our home. We loved our neighborhood and did not want our oldest to change schools, so we focused our intentions on finding a bigger home in the same neighborhood.

One Friday evening, I checked the local listings and found what I believed to be the perfect home in our neighborhood. It was beautifully remodeled with a gourmet kitchen, finished basement and all the other amenities we were searching for. We quickly reached out to the broker and scheduled a showing.

We were able to see the house during an open house the next day. As my husband and I toured the home, we just knew in our hearts this was our new home, the only catch was we knew it was going to sell fast. As my husband and I checked out the master bedroom, we were astonished to see one of our favorite pieces of artwork, the Singing Butler by Jack Vettriano hanging by the bed.  It’s a beautiful painting depicting a man and woman dancing gracefully in the rain on a beach while their maid and butler hold umbrellas nearby.

Now, some would say that this a mere coincidence because that is a very popular painting. However, this painting holds a deeper meaning for me and my husband because he gave it to me for my birthday right after we began dating. I always felt this painting is a beautiful reminder that life is not always about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

As soon as we saw that painting, I told my husband to check the time. Sure enough, it was 1:11. We took this as a powerful sign that our angels were with us, helping to manifest our desires and make our move to a larger home a reality.  And it worked!  Despite having several full-price offers, some even over asking price, we got the house!

Now flash forward to November of 2017. I just received the news that my biopsy tested positive for Hodgkin lymphoma. I was speaking to the doctor who was treating me what I had suspected to be the early stages of rheumatoid arthritis. I was beyond scared and devastated by the news I had just received and was asking the doctor some follow up questions regarding my medication. The last thing he said before I hung up the phone was, “it’s going to be alright.” I hung up the phone and stared at the time. It was 4:44.

444 is a sign that your angels are with you. And boy, were they ever. As heartbroken as I was to receive the news that I had cancer, deep down I felt a sense of peace and I just knew in my heart that I would beat this.

I’ve always had a strong belief in angels and I have felt a special connection to Archangel Michael. I prayed to God and asked the intercession of Archangel Michael to help ease my fears regarding treatment. Almost immediately, I began seeing signs that Archangel Michael was indeed with me.

I saw it in the medical staff that was assigned to treat me:

• The surgeon that performed the biopsy needed to diagnose the cancer was named Michael

• The pathologist that read the biopsy and confirmed the diagnosis of classical Hodgkins was named Michelangelo

• My primary infusion nurse is named Michael

Some would write this off as mere coincidence. But with all these so-called coincidences, I can see the deeper meaning, that God and the angels are always with us. You just need to open your mind and heart and soon you will also start seeing the signs.

God is always speaking to us, sending us little messages, causing coincidences and serendipities, reminding us to stop, look around and to believe in something else, something more. Because just like love and the wind were not made to be seen, some things don’t need to be seen to be powerfully felt.

Click here to read Part 2.

Letter to My Children: When Mommy Is Sick

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To My Beautiful Children:

Mommy is sick.

Sometimes you can tell I’m sick. Other times, it’s harder to tell because I don’t always look sick.

What you can’t always see is the battle I am fighting every day.

I know you are probably wondering what happened to the “old mommy”? The mommy that wasn’t too tired to play or take you to the park.

I can’t promise that mommy will be back soon or even when she’ll return.

I know you have a lot of questions on your mind and I wish I could give you better answers. I know you like to think, “Mommy knows it all” but the truth is, in this case, I don’t.   

I’m sorry for all the times I couldn’t hold you or play and for all the playdates I’ve had to cancel our couldn’t arrange due to my illness. I'm sorry for the days I missed out on watching you grow because I was just too tired to get out bed. 

I’m sorry for the fear I see in your eyes, every time I leave for the doctor or when I need to go the hospital.

I may not have all the answers but I hope and pray that through my weakness, you will learn strength and through my fears that you will learn how to be brave.  In a way, I hope I have shown you how to keep pushing forward when everything in life seems to be knocking you down.

And, while I am the adult and parent, I’ve come to realize I need you at times more than you need me. You keep me strong and help me push through on the days when I seem to have nothing left. You fill my life with more love, laughter and chaos than I ever thought possible. You are the sunshine in my darkest days and my reason for being.  

Although I can’t promise when the “old mommy” will return, I can promise that THIS mommy will NEVER stop trying.

Time

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As a wife and mom of three, I can definitely say there is truth in the saying, “the days are long but the years are short.” The years seem to be flying by at an incredible speed, yet sometimes it feels like the days are crawling by at a snail’s pace. Sure, it feels like I blinked and my babies are now 4 and my oldest, now 11, is heading to middle school in the fall.

Admittedly, this is a year I hoped would fly by. Since I was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2017, I wished so bad I had that nifty remote from the movie Click with Adam Sandler where I could fast-forward through all of the pain and uncertainty of this year. 

But as much as I would have loved to run and hide from it, I knew in my heart I had to face it head-on. There was no mistaking, this was going to be incredibly difficult on all of us, but the only way to beat it was to go through it—together.

Now, instead of counting down the days until our next family trip, we’re counting down the days until my last chemotherapy treatment. Now, every other Thursday, I’m counting down the minutes as my chemotherapy slowly infuses into my veins. Instead of focusing on my summer tan, I’m trying to regrow my hair. It’s a new twist and I’m trying my best to accept my current state—bald and all.

This is our life now.

These are the days in the trenches. It’s week after week of doctor appointments, labs, tests and trips to the ER. It’s been nearly 8 months since my initial diagnosis, and I’ve come to realize chemotherapy isn’t like it’s shown on TV and the movies. It’s a slow process filled with a lot of ups and downs.

But I’ve been surprised to find that I have been feeling better during the course of my treatment. Sure, I still have good days and bad days, but there is a predictable pattern to my symptoms, and with just three treatments to go, the end is in sight and the light at the end is getting brighter by the day.

All of this had me thinking about the nature of time, and how it often feels so relative to our surroundings. For instance, we all have had those times where it seemed time seems to warp around whatever we are experiencing, both good and bad.

Like the feeling of time standing still when we are with our partner, or how hours can fly by in mere moments when you’re talking to a dear friend or someone you love. Then there are the times, when the hours seem to drag: when you’re waiting for your last class or work to end, standing or sitting anywhere and waiting for longer than 15 minutes.

But that is the paradox of time. We boldly treat it as a commodity we have plenty of. If we aren’t always mindful of how or where we spend our time; we tend to waste it.

I know I sure was guilty of it and still probably am.

Like most women, I would often tell myself, I will be happy when “X” happens. I would often tell myself I’d finally be happy and able to relax when I lost the 10 pounds, got the job or when my kids are more independent.

It wasn’t until I discovered my time was in jeopardy of running out, that I began to truly appreciate what a gift each day is. Because cancer insists on its own time.

To me, cancer is analog in a digital world. Each phase of the disease — diagnosis, surgery,  chemotherapy and other treatment — carries its own distinct sense of stepping outside traditional time, and its own sense of separation from the world around you.

However, one of the blessings of cancer, is that it cements you to the present moment. All I have is NOW. I can no longer get to hung up in future events or beat myself up over past transgressions. In many ways, the certainty in which I use to naively eye the future is gone.

When you’re diagnosed with a serious illness like cancer, it makes sense to wonder how many birthdays, holidays and events you will be able to witness.  Because when your days start to feel numbered, it’s only natural to start counting them.

But I’ve learned that when we become too preoccupied with counting our days, we forget to fill each one with things that matter. Sure, now that I’m in remission, we have new milestones and anniversaries to celebrate. I hope I am fortunate to count my remission by the number of years that have passed. But for now, I am thankful for today and I’m focused on making the most it because the way I see it:

Now is the time.

Now is the time for more hugs and fewer words left unsaid. For more belly laughs and less tears. For extra late-night cuddles and butterfly kisses. For letting the dishes and the laundry wait while we make more family memories.

I’ve come to realize and appreciate that there is a reason God numbers our days.
It’s to make them precious. NOW is the time to appreciate all we have because NOW is all we truly ever have. And the only thing more precious than our time is who we spend it on.

Letting Go: Dealing with Loss

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

— Vicki Harrison

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It is said that every loss is a form of death. In every instance, where there once was something; an idea, experience or person that brought your life meaning and now it no longer exists. Inevitably, coping with loss always involves the same dynamics. Whether you are dealing with the loss of a friendship, job, pet or loved one, we are forced to reconcile with the fact that we will never experience something or someone again.  But where there is a loss, I believe there is also the opportunity to rebuild and perhaps even strengthen what once was.

When you’re dealing with cancer or a significant loss in any form, I believe you lose bits and parts of yourself over and over. With cancer, there is the loss of your appearance, the physical sense of who you once were is stripped away little by little, or at times seemingly all at once.  

 It starts with the three words you have dreaded hearing your entire life, “You have cancer,” and it doesn’t stop. It’s a slow cascade of loss starting with the loss of your current plans, followed by your hair, and for many the ability to work, become a parent, sleep comfortably or move without pain.

But as bits and parts of you get stripped away, I believe there is the opportunity to rebuild what once was into something stronger; a version 2.0 of yourself. Just as scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue in a biological sense, I believe so too is the potential for your body and your psyche to transform for the better during these times.  

It starts with the realization that you are strong, and you can handle way more than you ever have imagined. Things will get better. Although, it doesn’t feel like it. It’s not easy, but it gets easier.

Still, sudden loss in any form has a way of ripping you open, making you emotionally raw. Even when you have been carrying on successfully, many years later, a thought or a memory has a way of bringing you to your knees. It’s been 17 years since I lost my loved one to suicide, yet a memory of us has the ability to still make me weep nearly two decades later.

I believe a lot of this pain stems from the realization that we will never see our loved one again in this life, no matter what we do. The word “never” itself is a difficult concept to bear. “Never” hurts because it means that it can’t be changed. While change can be scary, within it lies opportunity. We as humans at some level like the idea of change because it means it’s not permanent, there still exists a possibility. This makes us feel good deep down. However, true loss in a sense means it’s over. It’s gone. You can’t bring a dead person back to life. You can’t redo a past mistake or unsay the words that destroyed a relationship. For when it’s gone, it’s gone, and it will never be the same no matter what you do. In a psychological sense, this destroys a small piece of you. A piece that you must learn to rebuild.

When we lose a relationship, for instance, it’s meaning is stripped away from our lives. Suddenly, something that created so much meaning and purpose in our life no longer exists. As a result, we tend to feel a sense of emptiness where the meaning used to reside. We begin to question ourselves, wondering if we made the right decisions. Sometimes, our questioning turns existential. We begin to wonder if life is actually meaningful at all. This lack of meaning is commonly known as depression.  While depression and sadness typically occur together, they are not the same.

Sadness occurs when something feels bad. Depression occurs when something feels meaningless. The difference is when something feels bad, it still has meaning. When you’re depressed, everything becomes a big empty void. The deeper the depression, the deeper the pointlessness of any action becomes, to the point one starts to struggle to get out of bed, shower, eat and even speak to people.

Depression has many faces and moods. It never looks the same. It's also not always obvious. Sometimes it's very visible, and many times it goes unnoticed. It is an illness that can affect anyone, and prescriptions for antidepressants are soaring, yet depression is still badly misunderstood.

Depression does not discriminate. Men, women, rich, poor, white, black. No one is immune. It is not just an illness for people with dark, mysterious pasts or chaotic presents. It is everywhere. It’s your sister, your coworker, your brother, your, wife, your cousin, your mother and the barista at your morning coffee stop. Depression is omnipresent but is still often talked about in hushed whispers, due to the stigma that surrounds mental health.

In recent years, the tragic deaths of Robin Williams, Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Kate Spade and now Anthony Bourdain are helping to shine a light on the severity of depression and the reality of suicide. Many people wonder, how could this happen?

From the outside looking in, they appeared to have all the trappings for success which should bring happiness and meaning, yet they still chose to end their lives. But why? I believe the following metaphor sums this up so eloquently.

“When we look at a mountain we see one face of it, and even if we wake up and gaze at that same mountain every single morning of our lives, we do not see its wholeness. We can hike it, fly over it, traverse its circumference a thousand times and still we won’t see its entirety, every layer, every element, every atom. To know a mountain, or a person, is to see a whole being in its fullness at all times in all seasons — every mood, every moment. If there is a God, this is what God sees. But we are not gods, and so our view, no matter how vast, is always partial.”

— Sara Benincasa

We all wear masks to cover up our true selves, and we can be terrific actors when we choose to be. Anthony Bourdain left us tragically far too soon, in the same manner that Kate Spade did the same week. It’s, unfortunately, the way many artists, teachers and visionaries have left us, and it is how I’ve lost loved ones and at times even contemplated leaving myself.

Those who turn to suicide often don't get enough credit for how long and how hard they fought the hopeless thoughts that relentlessly tormented their minds. Unless you have lived it yourself, I feel no one can truly understand the psychological agony of living with an unquiet mind. You are truly stuck in an invisible war where every word and every action is scrutinized by an insatiable inner critic that seems hellbent on your destruction. You are fighting the fight of your life every day, against yourself, and against a world that still, unfortunately, doesn’t understand.

 Suicide can be an act of depression, of despair and of true belief that nothing will ever improve. It can also be an act of absolute panic. When the noise inside your head gets so loud, or the physical pain seems inescapable, or the abuse seems like it will never end, it is in those moments, suicide may appear to be the ultimate act of relief.

While suicide may appear outwardly as a choice, I tend to refute that notion. I believe the final act was the result instead of an illness that simply got the better of their mental faculties and the ability to make a rational decision at that moment. Just as we would not blame someone for dying of cancer or Alzheimer’s disease, we should not fault or judge one from dying of suicide.  

It is neither a failure of character nor an indicator of a genius mind to contemplate suicide. It is just a thing that happens, and it happens more often to some of us than to others. There is pain, and the management of it looks different to all of us, and sometimes the managing of it becomes exhausting. It’s in times like these that the allure of death becomes stronger and one might get the urge to quit fighting.

We all have our battles, our losses we must endure. It’s simply a matter of life, and unfortunately, no one is immune. I believe that you never get "over" losing a loved one, but you learn to cope and heal over time. The wound will scab, but you'll always have the scar.

Scars are a sign of experience and strength, and maybe that's what healing looks like after losing someone you love. Showing off your scars to help others know they're not alone and that they will indeed survive their pain if they ever experience something similar.

In that sense, I believe dealing with loss is as much letting go as it is about hanging on. It’s letting go of what was and hanging on to the possibility that things will get better. It just takes time. And that’s life. We are all given battles we must learn to fight and losses we must overcome. Ebbing and flowing, like the ocean. Sometimes the water is calm, other times it seems it will swallow us whole. All we can do is keep on swimming. The choice is ours.

Sources:

“When They Leave” -Medium

Peaks and Valleys

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When I was a little girl, my grandmother would always tell me when I was discouraged or facing a difficult time, “Life is just peaks and valleys, this too will pass.” The older I’ve grown, the more I’ve come to realize how wise and true that statement really is.

Life definitely has its ups and downs for all of us. We all experience the good “peaks” from time to time like new jobs, relationships, and babies. Then there are the “valleys” we must face—losing loved ones, jobs, or becoming sick or injured. We all have those times that try our patience and test our faith. Life definitely hits in waves and can knock us off our feet, but it is up to us to keep swimming and go with the flow. I firmly believe we have to learn to surrender to what is in order to achieve what could be.

 I think having this duality—this mixture of good and bad is what helps us to appreciate and give meaning to our lives. For just as without the blackness of night, we would be unable to see the beauty of stars, this dichotomy helps to shape us and mold our character. Because if life was all sunshine and rainbows all the time, what would we learn?

In other words, it’s the really the bad times we should embrace and be thankful for because they are what helps us to appreciate the good times. It’s a hard lesson to always remember when you’re in the midst of a seemingly negative event, like having cancer, but it’s so incredibly important.

Since the day I found out I had cancer right before my 32nd birthday, I made a silent promise to myself and my family that my story isn’t over yet and I would do everything in my power to have this experience make me BETTER not bitter.

I’m not one for tattoos because of my tendency to pass out with needles, but if I were to get one it would incorporate the phrase “WARR;OR.” The semicolon in replace of the “I” in the word warrior would be to pay tribute to  Project Semicolon to honor my battles with cancer and bipolar disorder.  

To me, a warrior is an individual with incredible strength who is extraordinarily brave. These individuals fight difficult battles and endure terrible pain. Even though a warrior is strong and brave, sometimes the battles and pain they endure cause them to fall, but only for a brief moment. Warriors may fall, but they always get back up and keep fighting.

 I believe we each have an insurmountable strength and exceptional bravery deep inside of us. Every time we choose to do something extremely brave or strong, we are a warrior.

This is especially true for those among us with mental illness, who fight a difficult battle every day, enduring pain of the body, mind, and spirit. We are strong and brave and yet sometimes the battles we fight and the pain we feel causes us to fall— but only for a short time. Still, because we are warriors, we get back up and keep fighting.

With mental illness, we fight every day to get out of bed, take care of our bodies and protect our minds from the torpedo of emotion brought on by disorders. We fight for control over our lives when our mental illness tries to take that control away from us.

The battle is exhausting and can leave us feeling weak and tired. Sometimes, the battle seems too grueling, too much for us to handle. It’s those times we warriors fall slightly and contemplate what it would mean to not have to fight anymore.

Many mental health warriors have lost their battle, and many of us sometimes wish we would. Sometimes, we just want to find an end to our suffering. Sometimes, we are too tired to be strong, too broken to be brave. We let our thoughts of giving up consume our strong and capable minds until those thoughts become a battle themselves. Then, we have to fight to stay alive. As we fight for our lives, we look to one little symbol, one small weapon, to give us hope and restore our strength.

The semicolon is our symbol of strength and hope. It is our small weapon against suicidal thoughts and ideation. The semicolon is used when an author chooses not to end a sentence. In our case, the sentence is our life, and we are the writers. We look to the semicolon to remind us we can’t end our sentence and to gain hope and inspiration through its meaning. The semicolon means keep going, don’t give up and don’t stop writing.

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced the polarity of emotions and my existence. I’ve personally been so depressed and hopeless, I’ve contemplated taking my life. I’ve also fought with every fiber of my being to stay on this Earth for my family. In this way, having cancer and bipolar disorder has given me a unique perspective. I know what it’s like to be in so much physical and emotional pain you just want to find peace, even if that means taking your own life. And I know what it’s like to be told in the seemingly prime of your life you might die. I’ve also lost loved ones to suicide.

But I’m here to tell you I’m so happy I kept fighting. And if you happen to be battling demons no one else seems to know about or understand, I’m here to tell you that you are enough, and if you can just hold on a little longer it WILL get better. 

 You matter. Your story matters. After all, don’t you want to see how your story COULD end? There could be some twists and turns you weren’t expecting. =)

Life surely hits in waves but with the right mentality, we can stand whatever storm comes our way. I believe the key to weathering the storm is to find meaning within the adversity we are facing. As quoted from Dr. Viktor Frankl in my previous post, “We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation—just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer—we are challenged to change ourselves.”

For I cannot change that I was born with genes that made me susceptible to developing both cancer and bipolar disorder. It’s just the hand that I was dealt. But I can change my perspective and I can use my journey to hopefully help to ease the burdens of others. I hope my story can show that just because you've been "diagnosed" with something serious like mental illness or cancer, it's not a death sentence. It's just one chapter in your story. 

My journey is far from over but today was another “peak” along the way. I found out that my stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma has resolved itself after threes months of immunotherapy and two cycles of chemotherapy. I still have several months of chemotherapy left before I finish treatment but I can officially say I’m in remission!

So to all my fellow warriors, keep fighting. Don’t give up. Keep writing your story. You never know what twists, turns or surprise characters may be just around the corner.

Sources:

The Mighty

Project Semicolon

 If you need to talk to someone immediately, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and the Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741741.

Starting Chemotherapy

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I’ve been fighting cancer for several months, but in many ways, it feels like the battle has just begun. For the past three months, I’ve been treated with immunotherapy to help strengthen my immune system. In doing so, it has also helped my body eliminate more than 50% of the cancer in my lymphatic system before starting chemotherapy. Pretty amazing results.

Knowing that I’ve made significant progress in just three short months gives me tremendous hope that I will be in remission following these six cycles of chemotherapy. While the unknown is always scary, I am relying on my faith and my family and friends to see me through these difficult months of treatment.

In preparing for chemotherapy, I started thinking about all the miraculous things our bodies are capable of doing. From sports and dance to creating and fostering new life, our bodies are simply amazing. I also believe our bodies have an enormous potential to heal themselves, given the right conditions.

So often, we take our bodies and our health for granted. I know I did.  As I woman, I know I can be incredibly hard on myself.  Looking in the mirror these days, it would be easy to focus on the negative. These past few years of childbearing and now cancer has greatly altered my body, possibly forever. Where there once was smooth, subtle skin, there now are numerous scars, wrinkles and marks.

But I’ve come to realize we all have scars, both inside and out. We have moles and freckles from sun exposure, and we carry scars from broken bones and broken hearts. However our scars came to be, we should not feel ashamed, but empowered. As said in my previous post, “I see beauty as the grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I find beauty in my scars.”

Now, I am choosing to see beauty in my new imperfections. My scars are now permanent reminders that I was stronger than what tried to break me. Scars can also be powerful reminders of memories. For example, the incision from my emergency C-section is a precious reminder of the fragility and sanctity of life. I went from pushing out my daughter Vivian to waiting 11 nerve-wracking minutes to hear my son, Thomas, take his first breaths of life. That same scar is also a reminder of the incredible way my body was able to carry two healthy babies to term, each weighing over 5lbs. I am still in awe of what my body was able to do and heal from throughout my pregnancies.

Undoubtedly, I am going to endure more scarring throughout my treatment. I have come to accept that my body and mind will be forever changed. However, I believe I have the power to choose to see the positive in my situation, despite the uncertainty and discomfort that lies ahead. Therefore, I am focusing on becoming better, not bitter.

Just as my scars are powerful reminders, I know I can draw from those memories to strengthen my resolve.  I’m choosing to approach these next six months of treatment, similar to a pregnancy. Just like pregnancy, I know life will never be the same after my treatment. In many ways, I will leave treatment a different version of myself. Sure, activities will resume, and my hair will grow back. The scars will fade, but the memory of what we endured will remain. We will simply have to find our new way of life or “new normal,” and I’m okay with that.  

Just like a pregnancy, I’m focused on listening to my body and fueling it with the proper nutrition, exercise and rest it needs. I know my body has adapted and healed from extreme situations before.  I keep telling myself, “This is only temporary. You can do anything for 9 months.  Be patient and strong, this too will pass.”

I am trying to stay grounded in the present moment by focusing on the good. Right now, I am still able to work and spend lots of time with my children. Each day, I start my day by setting an intention rooted in gratitude. Every night, I tell myself I am healing as I reflect on the good in each day.  When things get difficult, I repeat my mantra, “I have the strength, faith, and support I need to heal from this cancer.”

When bad things happen to us, we don’t automatically feel happy and beautiful, but we also don’t need to be miserable just because life gets ugly sometimes. Joy and beauty can be found everywhere, in everything, in every one of us—no matter how we look, and no matter how we may hurt temporarily. We all may hurt, but we WILL heal. Ultimately our scars tell our unique story, showcase our strength, and can even highlight our confidence. It’s all a matter of our perspective.

The Beauty of Scars

May the fire of those that came before us
Light the way through the darkness.
May the flames of courage
Shine brighter than the clouds of despair.

For we are warriors, not worriers;
Our destiny is written in the stars,
May we find strength in our scars.    
For pain can be a powerful teacher.

If we can let go of trying to avoid pain and heartache,
We can surrender and allow our struggles to shape and transform us,
Our imperfections will inspire us, not define us,
We will become better not bitter.

For scars are powerful reminders,
We are not who we once were.
We are stronger than what tried to break us.
Like roadmaps of our lives, they tell stories of what came before.
It’s up to us to decide where that story leads.

~The Hopeful Warrior

Searching for Meaning

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Each of us has times in our lives where we wish we could rewrite the ending of the story. We lose loved ones or become separated from things we care about. Our bodies begin to age and fail as we get older. There are times we feel helpless or hurt or feel our lives slipping out of our control.   

According to Buddha, “Life is suffering because it is impermanent and ever-changing.” This suffering or “dukkha” presents an array of emotions — from happiness to despair. According to Buddhism, human beings are trapped in a cycle of existence known as samsara. In samsara, “the cycle of suffering,” is a direct result of our desire for permanence in an ever-changing world. However, as Buddha and many other spiritual masters and teachers proclaim, while no one is exempt from suffering, we can thrive and flourish despite it—and, in some cases, because of it.

So how can life remain meaningful in spite of tragedy?

As Viktor Frankl so eloquently states in his transformative book, Man’s Search for Meaning, what matters the most in life is making the most out of any given situation. A psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Frankl wrote extensively about this process after observing that his fellow inmates in concentration camps were more likely to survive the horrific conditions if they held on to a sense of meaning. He went on to establish a new school of existential therapy called logotherapy, based on the belief that man’s primary motivation is an innate pull to find meaning even in the most difficult circumstances. Frankl pointed to research indicating a strong relationship between “meaninglessness” and criminal behaviors, addictions and depression. Without meaning, people fill the void with hedonistic pleasures, power, materialism, hatred, boredom, or neurotic obsessions and compulsions.

According to Frankl, "we can discover meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering" and that "everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances".

To understand how this process is possible, researchers have studied a fascinating phenomenon called post-traumatic growth. First identified in the 1990’s by psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, post-traumatic growth is when a person experiences positive changes resulting from a major life crisis. According to the research, post-traumatic growth goes beyond resilience. By actively searching for the good in something terrible, a person can use adversity as a catalyst for advancing to a higher level of personal development and self-actualization.

According to this theory, five positive changes signal post-traumatic growth and create a framework for making the best out of the worst situations.

1)      Personal Strength: Tragedy exposes our vulnerability in an unpredictable world and therefore may cause us to feel weak or helpless. But, on the contrary, it can also boost our self-confidence and lead us to view ourselves as stronger.

2)      Relationships: Whether bonding on a deeper level with friends and family or feeling connected to strangers who have gone through similar difficulties, suffering can bring people closer together.

3)      Greater Life Appreciation: Tragedy can shift our perspective, inspire us to value good things more, and renew our intention to make the most of our lives.

4)      Changing or Reinforced Beliefs:  Tragedy can cause some people to evolve existentially to see themselves and their role in the world differently or to feel a new spiritual connection, which can influence their sense of purpose or their faith.

5)      New Possibilities: In the aftermath of trauma, people may perceive that new opportunities are available and pursue them.

By focusing on one or more of these five areas, we have an opportunity to turn suffering into personal development. In particular, several factors can help this process. One is receiving care; it is important to seek out emotional and practical support from loved ones or community members following trauma. Another is approaching rather than avoiding the task of coping by accepting the tragedy as irreversible and embracing the grief process. The final factor is recognizing that we are in charge of how we move forward and thereby take control over our recovery.

Post-traumatic growth does not imply that trauma is good or that suffering should be trivialized. Fortunately, distress and post-traumatic growth often occur simultaneously. In fact, research has shown suffering actually plays a role in our overall well-being. Trauma drives change, and that change can be positive. Post-traumatic growth points to ways in which we can use our struggles—as individuals or even a nation—as stepping stones for greater meaning and transformation.

The choice is ours.

Sources:

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

“How to Find Meaning in Suffering”  Scientific American

“What Is Suffering? 10 Buddhist Teachers Weigh In” Lion’s Roar  

How are you doing?

­­­­How are you doing?­­­­­

It’s a question we a­­­­­­­­­­sk others nearly every day of our life. But do we ever truly mean it?

If the person you asked suddenly started honestly telling you how they are feeling, would you stick around and listen or would you politely try to excuse yourself from the conversation?

Since I was diagnosed with cancer, this question has taken on a new meaning in my life. Now, I’m no longer afraid to admit how I really feel when someone asks. Cancer gives me the opportunity to be honest, no matter how uncomfortable the situation or the truth might be. My main focus is surviving. The rest is just minor details.

But I know not everyone has the luxury of telling those around them how they are truly feeling without fear of judgment or abandonment. You see, when someone used to ask me how I was doing, I would usually say “fine.” I’d politely ask how they were doing and then go on my way. I’d never admitted how much I was struggling. How plain exhausted I was. How lonely I was. How scared. How I had just sat in my car for 30 minutes wracked with anxiety trying to get up enough courage to walk through the door. How I had needed a pep talk from my husband that day just to get up and go to work. No. It was easier to say, “I’m fine” and continue on my way.

It was easier to not let people in too close. Since I was diagnosed bipolar at age 15, I built walls around myself. I found it was easier to isolate myself than risk embarrassing myself or my family by some of my wild or atypical outgoing behavior.

Maintaining relationships is one of the hardest parts of being bipolar. Finding people who you can trust and depend on to help you through your low points, as well as the highs, is critical to your well-being.

Recently, after we started telling friends and family about my cancer, I was struck by the outpouring of love and support for not only me but my entire family. People offered to cook meals, watch my children and take me to doctor appointments.  I’ve never felt more loved and supported in my entire life.

Then I thought about all those that have mental disorders, IBS, autism and other invisible illnesses. I thought about how so many of our friends, family members are silently suffering on the inside but may look perfectly fine on the outside. I thought about how difficult it is to open up to others when you are suffering. How difficult it is to ask for help. How difficult it is to reach out.

But, how great would it be, when you dared to open up and tell your family and friends about your disorder, if their first response was, “I’m sorry you have to deal with that. How can I help?” How great would it be if your family and friends offered to cook you meals and take care of you or your children when you were feeling tired and overwhelmed?

You too would see that you matter. That you are loved. That this will pass. You are supported and will get through this. That alone could save a life.

Too often people with mental disorders, whether it’s anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder or others, feel isolated and alone in their suffering. They feel like a burden to their friends and family who can’t seem to understand why they just can’t get over it and move on.

So if your family member or friend has depression, anxiety or another mental disorder, I encourage you to reach out and ask that person regularly, how they are doing and mean it. LISTEN. Just sit there and listen to them. Try to listen without judgment. And at times when they are feeling low, a hug means more than any words you could possibly say.  At the end of the day, we all just want to be listened to and to feel we are not alone.

You have the power to make someone’s day better just by genuinely asking how they are doing and taking the time to truly listen to what they have to say. 

Facing My Fears

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Too often, we allow fear, worry, and doubt to creep in and control our lives. We allow them to steal our joy, our sleep, and even our dreams. It is said underneath your fears lie great opportunities. As scary as having cancer is, it is giving me the opportunity to face some of my greatest fears.  

As long as I can remember, I’ve had a severe phobia of needles. Pretty much every time I get a blood draw, IV or shot I pass out. I can’t even watch injections on TV, let alone being done on someone I love. One time I even passed out and fell off the examination table after getting a shot and started convulsing. Scary stuff.

When I was younger, I dreamed of going into the medical field. I initially wanted to be a nurse but my fear of needles kept me from pursuing my dream. In college, I briefly majored in Occupational Therapy but later changed majors after my oldest daughter Ava was born. One time when I was in college, my volleyball coach had us pick out an inspirational quote that would become a mantra. I picked the following quote:

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

Later that year, I became pregnant with my daughter. I was scared beyond belief about becoming a mom at 20. But I knew what I had to do. I taped that quote on my dashboard and promised to do everything I could to honor the new life growing inside me and bring my daughter into this world healthy. In facing my fear of becoming a young single mom, I gained the best gift imaginable: my beautiful, smart and kind-hearted daughter Ava. 

Although I chose not to pursue a medical career, I feel like it keeps coming back into my life.  After my oldest daughter, Ava was born with a severe heart defect that required surgery, and my husband had his brain surgery, I again felt called to pursue a medical career. As I wrote in an earlier blog post, "Connecting the Dots", being there to support my daughter and husband through their health crises prepared me to face my own health battle. Once I’m in remission and my twins are in school full-time, my dream is to get certified in medical writing and editing. It’s part of the reason I started this blog. 

Now it seems everything in my life has come full circle. I am continually surprising myself at how much I can endure and how many fears I’ve faced in the last few months. Since my ordeal began: I’ve had surgery, an unsedated bone marrow biopsy and a port surgically inserted under light sedation in my chest for my treatment. I’ve had more IVs and shots than I could ever count.

I know I have a long road ahead but sometimes you need to pause and appreciate how far you’ve come. And I’ve come a long way. We all have fears. Being afraid of something is a natural part of life, but it's important to overcome your fears. If you let fear control your life, then you won't be living life to its fullest. By facing my fears head on, I not only am confronting what is making me so afraid, I'm also taking back control.

So what has helped me face my greatest fears?

Awareness

Before you can begin overcoming fear, you have to be aware that your fears are causing difficulty or creating chaos in your life. It’s easy to get so attached to your thoughts and feelings that you think they are all that exist, which simply is not the case. You are not your fears. You are the awareness that experiences it.

Being Vulnerable

Brene Brown, a researcher from the University of Houston Graduate School of Social Work and author of Daring Greatly, found that the belief in our own unworthiness causes us to live fear-based lives. We are afraid of letting people see who we really are and potentially exposing ourselves, so we avoid the one thing that can make us more courageous: vulnerability. Courage and vulnerability are closely aligned, says Brown, and the two qualities can greatly improve our lives. According to Brown, to conquer our fear we must “dare greatly,” or go out there and expose ourselves to failure and criticism.

Changing My Mindset

Learning to deal with fear is all about putting your negative thoughts in perspective. We tend to focus too much on the negative, so by looking at all the options, you often realize that you’re making a big deal of nothing. There are so many things that can happen that it’s impossible for you to predict. In order to help myself have a positive mindset in treating my cancer, I tell myself every day that "every discomfort I’m facing is temporary and getting me one step closer to being cancer free."

Thinking Positive

Whenever fear strikes, turn it around in your head. Instead of thinking of something bad that can happen, think of something positive. What’s a positive outcome to your fear? In my case, my fear led me to seek medical treatment and may have undoubtedly saved my life.

Gratitude

Whenever you feel fear, switch your focus to what you are grateful for instead.  While I still have a strong fear of needles, I have shifted my focus to be thankful I am able to receive treatment that can save my life. All of the injections, infusions and IVs are necessary to get me well again. I'm also thankful for the many skilled doctors, nurses and technicians that are caring for me.

Exposing Myself to My Fears

When it comes to fear, the only way out is through. One of the most effective ways to overcome fear is to repeatedly force yourself to face what you’re afraid of. Research has found that this repeated exposure lowers the psychological fear response until it is more manageable or in some cases gone altogether. In order to combat my fear of the unknown about my treatment, I was able to lessen my fear by reading articles about what to expect with my surgery and other procedures like my bone marrow biopsy. I also reached out to others that have gone through similar experiences to help get a better idea of what to expect.

Although the role of fear is to keep us safe, we do ourselves no good by living in fear. To reach our full potential and draw in greater opportunities we must eliminate fear from our lives through daily efforts that promote our strength and well-being. Your fear may never be fully extinguished, but hopefully it will hold less power over you and not prevent you from achieving important goals and enjoying your life. In the words of Mark Twain, “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.”

So what fears have been holding you back?  What’s one fear you need to face sooner rather than later? 

Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Sources:

Huffington Post

Wake Up Cloud

How Do I Tell My Child Difficult News?

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As parents we have the rather unfortunate task of having to break difficult news to our children. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, divorce, a move or a serious illness, you may be wondering how do I tell my child?

Right before Thanksgiving in 2017, I found myself in a troubling spot. In late October, I had found a lump on my neck. I waited several weeks thinking it may resolve itself. When it didn’t get better I knew I would need to get it checked out because it definitely looked suspicious. 

I had not been feeling well for quite some time and recently began seeing a rheumatologist because I thought I could possibly be developing early onset rheumatoid arthritis. Never in my mind, did I think that the fatigue, joint pain and skin issues I was having could be cancer. That just wasn’t in my realm of possibilities.

But soon having cancer became my reality. As difficult as this news was for me to take, I thought how and what do I tell my three children? Here are some tips that helped me break the difficult news:

Children Can Sense Changes

Children have an uncanny way of knowing when a person or situation is “off”. They can usually sense when mom or dad is stressed, and any change in their typical daily routine usually alerts them that something is up. Whether it’s your body language, or conversations they overheard, children can sense when something has changed. This is why it's important to address the situation and have a conversation with your child.  This lets them know they are an important member of the family and gives them the opportunity to express their feelings and ask questions.

Timing

Unfortunately, there is no “right time” to break the news. As much as you’d love to shelter and protect them from them situation, inevitably you will need to address it in some manner. You know your child the best so you know when the best time is to have serious discussions. It’s important to try and avoid having discussions when your child is hungry, tired, stressed or otherwise distracted or there could be interruptions. Depending on your child’s comfort level, it may even be helpful to talk when direct eye contact isn’t required (like during a car ride). Doing so, helps lessen the pressure for your child to respond immediately to the news.

Preparing Yourself

Before speaking with your child, it’s important to take a moment and prepare yourself for possible questions or feelings your child might have. It’s important to also think about the feelings that may arise for you during the conversation. While you may anticipate your child being very emotional and asking lots of questions, they may remain quiet and have very little response. Reassure them that if they have questions or want to talk more they can.

Choosing Your Words

It’s important to speak to your child in a calm voice. Use simple and clear words that simply state the facts. Use appropriate words to describe your situation so that your child will have the language they need to understand what is happening and ask questions. Children’s books on change, illness or loss can be wonderful tools to help your child cope with the news.

Staying Present

Even when communication may be difficult, parents can help create a more comforting and safe environment just by remaining close by. Whether it’s sitting and reading quietly together, or just being in the same room, your physical presence helps strengthen your bond by reassuring your child that you are there for them.

Breaking the news is one thing. But it’s your behavior afterwards that truly matters. It’s important to lead by example and demonstrate healthy coping behaviors like self-care.  Show your child that you are in control of your emotions, but that it is okay to show your feelings if you are feeling upset about the news or situation. It’s important to validate your child’s feelings, as well as your own, and let them know that is a typical reaction in response to bad news.

As parents, we want to be protectors of our children. We want to preserve life’s happy moments and have trouble seeing our children in distress or dealing with strong emotions. While we might see it as our job to avoid the topic to make the hurt go away, we can be more helpful in the long run by providing our children with emotional support and a listening ear.

Sources:

“What do I tell the kids?” Cancer Support Community

The Parenting Place

Living Well While You're Unwell

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I am thankful for today…

I am grateful for the air that fills my lungs,

For time with family and friends,

For I don’t know what tomorrow brings,

But I am here today

And that’s all that matters.

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One of the hardest parts of being sick is the uncertainty that it brings. Future plans get put on hold. It seems everything depends on the outcome of your health. Such ambiguity can be difficult a difficult burden to bear.

For me, I definitely have my good days and bad days. However, I’m happy to report right now, the good days far outnumber the bad. And for that I am extremely grateful.

I have read enough and spoken to enough people to prepare myself for the difficulty that lies ahead. I know there will be days that I am unable to get out of bed. There will be days when I will be unable to hug or hold my children. There will be times when I am unable to eat or even taste.

I have surrendered to the fact I am unwell. I believe in doing so, I take the first step towards healing. I know that difficulty lies ahead, but I am prepared to tackle it head on with dignity and grace for I know I have the faith and support I need to truly heal.

So right now, I am savoring every moment. Every embrace. Every sunrise. Every taste.

I’m not sure what tomorrow brings—so I am reveling in the wonder of today. Now, more than ever I understand the importance of mindfulness and making every moment meaningful.

Growing up, I always looked forward to Saturday mornings. My dad usually traveled a lot during the week and over the years, it became our special time together. It was always a magical time. Moments seemed to slow down.  Our most difficult choice became whether we wanted a waffle or a pancake. It was a time to catch up and just enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company while we took turns mixing the batter.  

Now as a mother myself, I’ve tried to recreate this special time with my own children.

Today, at breakfast we chose to make waffles with fruit topping. While I tweaked my family recipe to make it gluten free the kids got a special side of whipped cream. Why not? My kids are still home on winter break from school so we were able to take our time and enjoy every minute of breakfast. Now more than ever I am so grateful for these special moments.

Life is always unfolding now. But so often, we let these precious moments slip away, allowing time to rush past unobserved and unseized. We squander the precious seconds of our lives as we worry about the future and ruminate about what has passed.

As my time is growing uncertain, I am trying to make the most of each moment. While I’m not always successful, I believe the most important thing to do is to try and to be grateful for each moment while you have the chance.

What I've come to realize is that most of us don't accept our thoughts in awareness. Rather, our thoughts end up controlling us.  Often, "ordinary thoughts course through our mind like a deafening waterfall," says Jon Kabat-Zinn, the scientist who introduced meditation into mainstream medicine. In order to feel more in control of our minds and our lives, to find the sense of balance that eludes us, we need to step out of this current, to pause, and, as Kabat-Zinn puts it, to "rest in stillness—to stop doing and focus on just being."

We need to live more in the NOW. Living in the moment—also called mindfulness—is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present. When you become mindful, you realize that you are not your thoughts; you become an observer of your thoughts from moment to moment without judging them. Mindfulness involves being with your thoughts as they are, neither grasping at them nor pushing them away. Instead of letting your life go by without living it, you awaken to experience everything around you more fully.

Here are some ways I have learned to practice mindfulness to be more grounded in the present moment:

Let go and just be. In order to move forward, I believe you must let go and accept your current situation as it is. Try not to impart judgement or reasoning into why it is happening to you. Rather accept that is and let go of your preconceived notions of how things should have or might have been. You need to have faith that this happened for a reason.

If something is bothering you, it’s important move toward it rather than away from it. Mindfulness is about acceptance—letting the emotion be there. That is, being open to the way things are in each moment without trying to manipulate or change the experience—without judging it, clinging to it, or pushing it away. The present moment can only be as it is. Trying to change it only frustrates and exhausts you. Accepting the moment as it is helps relieve you of this needless extra suffering.

Savor the present moment. Often, we're so trapped in our thoughts about the future or the past that we forget to experience or enjoy what's happening right now. Instead, it’s important to relish or revel in whatever you're doing at the present moment—what psychologists call savoring. This could be eating a piece of chocolate, taking a shower or basking in the sun. It usually involves your senses.  Savoring forces you into full awareness of what you are doing in that precise moment, so you can't worry about things that aren't there.

 Know that you don't know. Pause to recognize and appreciate the newness of your surroundings. You will soon realize that everything is constantly changing around you. In fact, change is the only constant thing in life. By stopping to see the world with fresh eyes, we realize almost everything is different and new each time—the pattern of light on the buildings, the faces of the people, even the sensations and feelings we experience along the way. The more you notice, the more you see.

Realize you are not your thoughts. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, “we often relate to our thoughts, whether they’re intensely negative or not, as a reliable statement of the truth. When you’re angry, everything can seem threatening or annoying or inadequate. You believe what your thoughts are telling you. Mindfulness of thoughts allows you to be aware of a thought or strong emotion as a kind of a storm in the mind or an event in awareness. Once you see it as an event or a storm, it no longer has the same power over you.”

With practice, mindfulness can help us catch stressful emotions when they first arise. This keeps these emotions from turning into elaborate stress-filled stories that have no basis in fact but which we start to believe without question. For as Buddhist teachers like to say: the suffering is in the stories.

An effective way to bring your attention out of your stories and into the present moment is by taking three deep in-and out-breaths while turning your attention to the present moment. As you do this, notice what’s available to your senses right now: a sight, a sound—even the sensation of your clothes on your skin. Even if it’s not a particularly pleasant moment, at least you’re present for it instead of being lost in regrets about the past, or worst-case-scenarios about a future you can’t predict. And, more often than not, being mindful of your present moment experience reveals that there’s something pleasant going on right around you that you simply hadn’t noticed. This can be both soothing and healing.

True mindfulness is a journey, not a destination. But I truly believe it is the key to living well while your feeling unwell. Sure, there will be bumps and distractions along the away but the first steps start with the awareness and acceptance of what is, and faith in what will be.

So take a deep breath and just be here.

Sources:
Psychology Today
Mindful

The Just Be Here with Me Project

Connecting the Dots

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Each year’s end brings a chance to pause and reflect on all has transpired. As difficult as this year has been for me and my family, I am thankful for all that it has taught me.  For I believe my difficulties have amplified my strengths, and my weaknesses have also illuminated my courage. It is said that you never how strong you are until it’s your only choice. 2017 has shown me I can endure way more pain and uncertainty than I ever imagined. I have come to realize that no matter what difficulties life places in my path— it cannot break my spirit and it cannot destroy my faith.

What’s your biggest takeaway from 2017?

In one of my favorite speeches, Steve Jobs eloquently describes how life must be lived forwards, but it truly can only be understood in hindsight:

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well-worn path; and that will make all the difference.”

— Steve Jobs (Stanford commencement speech, June 2005)

I know 2018 will test my limits but I truly believe all of my past challenges have prepared me for the difficulties that lie ahead.

Take for example the fact that my oldest daughter was born with a congenital heart defect which required numerous hospitalizations and finally heart surgery when she was only months old. I was 21 years old at the time, still practically a child myself, yet I was now responsible for another life besides my own.

I knew my having my daughter at such a young age would be full of challenges but I never imagined I would be struck with such difficulty almost immediately upon becoming a mother.  Her heart defect caused her to struggle to gain weight, so it was decided that, at just 4 months old, she would need to undergo open heart surgery to repair the hole in her heart.

Her fragile state kept me and the rest of my family on high alert. I was told to not let her cry because any stress could make it difficult for her to breathe. During this time, she also began to have seizures when she would run a high temperature, mostly due to her low body weight. Her seizures and troubling breathing episodes required frequent trips to the ER followed by long-term hospitalizations. Soon my days became filled with doctor’s appointments and therapy for her.

As a young single mom, this was a lot to take in, but thankfully I had the support of my family and faith to lean on during these difficult times. Remarkably, due the amazing cardiac surgeon and all the nurses and staff at Advocate Children’s Hospital, my daughter made a full recovery and she is thriving today.

Looking back, all those health struggles and doctor’s visits prepared me for my next big challenge.

After my daughter made a recovery I began dating again and ended up falling in love with my coworker at the time. It was a happy time. Life was finally starting to feel wonderful again. Then in a blink of an eye, everything changed.

 Six months into our relationship, all of a sudden, he began having a horrible migraine. He said it was the worst headache he had ever experienced in his life. Pain-reliever, ice, rest, no light—none of the usual remedies were helping to reduce the pain.  The headache lasted for days it seemed. I finally urged him to go to the ER during a break at work.

The doctor at the urgent care was visibly concerned. He wrote him a prescription for a stronger medication to help with the pain. He then instructed him to get an MRI of his brain to hopefully rule out anything serious.

The amount of pain he was strikingly obvious and no amount of the medication or rest seemed to do much. It was a few days after the MRI when he received a follow-up call from the urgent care doctor with the results. He was told it was best that he come in to hear the news.

We drove over together in silence. The 5-minute drive from our office seemed like an eternity. Finally, we heard the news we were both suspecting but dreading to hear. The scan had shown he had a mass in his brain.

The next few days passed in a haze as we waited to meet with a neurologist/neurosurgeon at a nearby hospital. We soon learned that the mass in his brain was actually an AVM which is basically a cluster of blood vessels that was slowing constricting blood flow in his brain and if it ruptured, it could be fatal.

Like my daughter’s heart defect, my boyfriend’s AVM was something he was just born with. Thankfully, his AVM was caught and able to be treated before it ruptured, which is the unfortunate case for most AVM’s. They are typically only detected after they begin to bleed.  He still required numerous procedures called embolizations, where special a specially-trained radiologist strategically blocked off blood flow in his brain through a catheter placed in his thigh. Prior to having brain surgery to remove the AVM, my boyfriend had to undergo 4 embolization procedures. Finally, in April of 2009, he had brain surgery to remove the AVM. Miraculously, the surgery was a success and he was able to make a complete recovery.

As scary as my boyfriend’s health scare was at the time, my daughter’s illness undoubtedly helped prepare me for being there for him as he went through his own struggle. From all the time I spent in hospitals with my daughter, I now felt more at ease speaking with doctors. I was comfortable with medical terminology and this in turn helped me ask important questions regarding his treatment and recovery.

Due the combined stress of my daughter and boyfriend’s illnesses, I had to take a break from my college studies. Once my boyfriend was on the road to recovery, I was able to resume my education. In May of 2010, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. We decided to postpone our wedding until 2012 when I would be done with school. We married in March of 2012. Two years later in May of 2014, we welcomed twins. Our family was complete and life was finally coming together. Then I got cancer.

As scary as this new chapter in my life is, I am embracing the changes that lie ahead. I now realize that all the major obstacles I have faced, both personally and in my relationships with others have paved the way for growth and new opportunities. I simply need to be brave enough to trust in my gut and face my fears. I truly believe your past doesn’t define you are, it simply prepares you for who you are to become. You simply need to pause long enough to connect the dots.

I believe 2018 will be a year filled with many surprises. I believe my patience, will, and body will be pushed to their limits. But I know that with my faith along with the support of family and friends, I have everything I need to move this mountain.

As 2017 comes to a close, I’m hopeful for tomorrow. I believe each day brings an opportunity to be a better version of yourself. So here’s to fresh starts and new beginnings because “it’s never too late to begin a new chapter, add a surprise twist, or change genres entirely.” I’m thankful for all 2017 taught me and I look forward to growing into the best version of me in 2018.  

Coping with Illness During the Holidays

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Right before Thanksgiving, my world was turned upside down when I found a lump on the side of my neck. I so desperately wanted to wish it away and pretend it wasn’t there. It was the start of the holidays and this is not what I had planned. I initially put off going to the doctor thinking it was in my head, when I finally felt the urgency to get it checked out. For my family’s sake, I decided it was best to know for certain what I was dealing with so that I could get the proper treatment if necessary.

From the troubled look on my doctor’s face to the slew of tests she ordered, I knew in my heart it wasn’t good. The next few days and weeks became a whirlwind of doctor appointments, imaging tests and blood work. The uncertainty of waiting for results became an uncomfortable norm.

My blood work showed elevated white blood cells, but my doctor didn’t think I had an infection. “Let’s wait to see what the CT scan shows.” Sure enough, my CT scan showed I had SEVERAL areas of enlarged lymph nodes in my neck. My heart sank into my stomach. Next came the news, “We need to take a biopsy of the enlarged lymph node in your neck.”

I opted to be aggressive and chose to have a surgical excision. While my doctor could perform a simple biopsy in an office setting, having it surgically removed and tested was the only way to ensure that they were taking enough tissue to get a proper diagnosis.

The day before Thanksgiving, I had outpatient surgery to remove the lymph node. The next day we hosted Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn’t going to let the fear of my impending diagnosis hamper our holiday fun.

Almost a week later, I received the news I feared. The tissue sample tested positive for lymphoma. I had cancer. Now the holidays are always stressful, even more so when you’re struggling with an illness, disability or injury. So how do you cope and find joy during the holiday season, when the whole world seems to be celebrating?

The first thing to realize is that, despite what we often see in holiday movies and on TV, the fact is many people struggle during the holidays. You are not alone. Whether you have recently lost a loved one or a job; moved or gotten divorced; or are of a non-Christian background — we all face the challenge of navigating a holiday season that can deepen the sense of being separated from the happy majority.

While there is no magic formula for dealing with the complex emotions that the holidays can bring, here are some tips that helped me find joy after being diagnosed with cancer right at the start of the holiday season:

• Use the holiday season to pause and reflect on what truly matters in your life. Illness and injury bring traumatic changes, but some good always remains. Identify the relationships and activities that bring you joy—and make time for the people and events that nourish your spirit and make you smile.
• Set lower expectations. Be aware of your energy level. Give yourself permission this year to accept less than perfect in your decorating and baking. Tell yourself, “This is temporary, I can let it go this time. I plan on being around for many more holidays.”
• Let others help. If your list of holiday list of "things to do" is overwhelming, assign a few tasks to others. They’ll get the satisfaction of helping—and you’ll find you have a little more breathing room.
• Learn to rest. Fatigue is a very common side effect of treatment and illness. Listen to your body when it is telling you it is tired. Give yourself permission to rest and relax.
• Reach out. Friends and even family may not understand exactly how you’re feeling, but they genuinely want to help. Sometimes just talking about your feelings of sadness or isolation can lighten the burden of those feelings.
• Consider a simpler approach to gift-giving. Tell all those friends who've been wanting to do something for you that they can help most by expecting no presents or cards this year. Within your own family, save time and deepen the true spirit of the season by giving personal gifts with no monetary value.
• Savor the simple pleasures of the season. The food may not taste as good, and the smell may hinder your appetite as a result of your treatment. Allow yourself to enjoy being around others and look forward to enjoying meals at the next holiday, when your treatment is over.
• Find a way to do something for somebody else. Living with an illness, acute or chronic, can be all-consuming. Avoid being defined by disease, by reaching beyond the limits and preoccupations of illness to connect with others. Send a card to someone you know who's sick or lonely. Or call them to just to let them know you're thinking about them.
• Join a support group. The holidays are a very stressful time but it's important to remember you are not alone. Ask you doctor if he or she knows of any local support groups. Social media is also a great way to connect to others in similar situations.

Disease and disability can turn lives upside down. But whatever changes and challenges you face, you still have a spirit that needs to be nourished. This year, and in all the years to come, focus on the parts of the holiday season that bring you joy and feed your love of life and of others. That’s the true spirit of the holidays and it’s available to everyone.

Sources:

Beliefnet

ROCA Counseling

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Dealing with a Difficult Diagnosis

Getting diagnosed is a double edged sword. On one hand, you can find comfort and a sense of relief in finally knowing what’s going on inside your body. But on the other hand, being diagnosed forces you to see yourself in a new, often negative light. You realize that you are not well. Part of your body is dysfunctional. For me, that was a difficult truth to face.

Whether you were recently diagnosed with a terminal illness, or you are battling an invisible illness or injury—a diagnosis can bring sense of isolation. You feel separated from the outside world. You now know without a doubt that part of you is unwell.

Normal every day life starts to feel hollow. You start to feel like you are living in two different worlds. One inside your head, where the reality of your illness consumes every waking thought. On the outside, you can smile and pretend at times that you are fine, but the truth is, the reality of your illness is never far from your mind.

For me, I was first diagnosed with a serious illness at 15. It was 2001, and a year of great personal change and societal upheaval. In the spring of 2001, my aunt took her own life. This was the first time I lost a close family member. It was a shocking and traumatic blow to my close-knit family. During the same time, my beloved grandfather was dying of leukemia. Then in the fall, 9/11 happened and life in the U.S., as well the entire world, was forever changed. 

I felt like I was losing control. It was all too much.  I felt scared and alone. Soon I just wanted to sleep and shut off the outside world. When I wasn't sleeping, my eyes were filled with tears. The constant stream of scrutiny in mind was unending. In my head, I was failing my family, my friends and even school. I could not find any hope in my current situation or the world. When my family would ask what was wrong, all I could do was answer, "You just don't understand."

Soon the negative thoughts consumed nearly every waking thought. I was hardly eating or sleeping. I wanted it to stop. I wanted the pain to end. It was then that I first attempted to take my life.

Thankfully, my mom found me before any serious harm came to me. My suicide attempt was truly a cry for help. I needed help getting control of all the thoughts in my head.

After my suicide attempt, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was given a host of medicines to try, from anti-depressants to lithium. I began to go to therapy. We were told to limit stressors and identify triggers. The medicine helped to slow down my racing thoughts but the rest of the world seemed to slow down along with it.

I felt like I was standing alone in a crowed room, screaming at everyone around me to hear me and see the pain that I was in. But everyone else was moving so fast that they could not hear or even see me. They were not on my level. Once again I was alone. 

While I wanted to fully accept my diagnosis and treatment plan, part of me rejected the idea that I wasn't well. After all I had been through that year and early on in my life, who wouldn't have a hard time adjusting to this much change and tragedy?

In my head, being told I was bipolar at 15 was a death sentence. My aunt who took her life was bipolar. I assumed that I was destined to meet a similar fate since there is no cure. I began to rebel and thought it was best to live fast and hard since I was destined to die young. So I did.

I fought the ups and downs of bipolar disorder for over 5 years. Throughout high school and my early years of college, I went on and off medicine and in and out of therapy depending on the severity of my symptoms. I ultimately had to leave college when I became pregnant with my first child at the age of 20.

The patterns of mania and depression were obvious to everyone but myself. It was only after I lost control again and was on the brink of suicide that I finally sought and accepted the help and treatment I so badly needed.

Taking Control

When I found out I was pregnant at age 20, life as I knew it was forever changed...for the better. By honoring the new life growing inside me, I was able to finally start to heal. I wanted to be better, not just for myself, but I wanted to be there to love, guide and nurture the new life growing inside me. 

Whether you are struggling with addiction, mental illness, trauma or serious illness, I believe the first step is acceptance. You need to accept and surrender to your situation in order to fully move past the negative and find the positive.

In a 12 step program, recovery starts by admitting you are powerless, but that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. For some, they find strength by finding a higher power in religion, while others find solace in nature, their pets or in living for their family. 

I believe that the first step toward recovery lies in finding a motivation outside yourself. For me, my saving grace was having my daughter. Feeling the flickers of life growing inside me filled me with hope for me future—for the first time in my life.  She became the cornerstone upon which I built the foundation for my new life. Having the courage to have her, gave me the strength and confidence I needed to finally face my fears and grow into the woman I knew in my heart I was capable of becoming. 

By finding the right mix of medicine along with cognitive behavioral therapy, I was finally able to take back control of my life and find the stability that is so often elusive when you are suffering from mental illness. Outside of medicine and therapy, what helped me the most to come to terms and accept being bipolar was the unwavering love, support and guidance from my (now) husband, parents and close friends.

I believe having a strong support system outside of medicine and therapy is critical for long-term success. Their unconditional love allows me to feel at ease confiding my thoughts, no matter how strange or silly they might seem. This helps me understand if I am processing and reacting to a situation in the right manner.

One of the most challenging parts of dealing with bipolar disorder or cancer is learning how to separate yourself from your illness so you can learn effective strategies to cope with the anxious or obsessive racing thoughts.  What helped me tremendously was understanding that intrusive thoughts are a symptom of my disorder. 

Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that consistently enter your mind against your will. They're considered intrusive because you simply cannot get them out of your mind, and they often pop up at unusual moments. Intrusive thoughts may also occur in flashes, and often cause significant anxiety when they enter your mind. Examples of intrusive thoughts include unwanted memories and violent or sexual thoughts. Through cognitive behavioral therapy and by practicing mindfulness and meditation I was able to learn how to better control them.

A book that helped me enormously to come to terms and learn effective coping strategies was Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder: A 4-Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability by Julie Fast. If you or your loved ones are suffering from mental illness, I highly recommend reading this book. One of the reasons this resonated with me is the author Julie Fast has bipolar disorder. She wrote the book along with her doctor. Her honest perspective about dealing with mental illness coupled with the medical advice make this book one of the best I have ever read on the topic.

After committing myself wholeheartedly to my treatment plan, I was able to go back to college, graduate with honors, get married, start my career and a family. Life was finally coming together. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. It's a shocking turn of events to accept when you feel that your life is finally getting on the right track.

However, I am choosing to view my cancer diagnosis with an open and grateful heart. I’m grateful because I believe all my past experiences have prepared me for the difficult journey ahead. One of the ways I have been able to remain strong, positive and focused on my recovery is by applying a growth-centered mindset to my current situation.

As Eckhart Tolle explains in his book, "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose:

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. For example, “I am ruined” is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. “I have fifty cents left in my bank account” is a fact. Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think , to a large extent, creates the emotions that you feel. See the link between what your thinking and your emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.”

He goes on to say that, “Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” 

According to Tolle, the root of our suffering has a noble purpose. Instead of wishing it away, we need to fully embrace it. For it is through embracing our suffering that we will awaken to our true purpose. While some things look negative on the surface, you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.

The fact is I have cancer and bipolar disorder. I can't change the fact I have these illnesses, but I can control my actions, and in doing so I can create a positive mindset focused on healing rather than fighting. So I am choosing to embrace the uncertainty of my illness. I am learning to honor and accept my pain. For I believe this is all temporary and preparing me to be better, stronger and wiser on the other side. Every painful or uncomfortable moment is getting me one step closer to being both cancer free and whole again.

Finding Healing with a Warrior Mindset

It is said that a fighter’s journey begins in the mind. We all have those line-in-the-sand moments where our life is forever changed in an instant. For me, it was finding out I have cancer a week before I turned 32. So, how do you push on and find positivity when your whole world seems to be falling apart?

Preparing through Positivity

In life, difficulty doesn’t discriminate. I believe it is how we respond to difficulty that ultimately defines us and shapes our character. The first step in developing a warrior mindset is to prepare for future obstacles and challenges you may encounter by cultivating a sense of self-awareness that is focused on growth.

When negative events happen, instead of asking “Why me?” ask “What can I learn from this?”. “How can this challenge help me grow if I am brave enough to face my fears?”

An attitude typically means a state of mind, feeling, or disposition. It also encompasses how a person views something or tends to behave toward it. This is why attitude is so important. A mindset is developed when you employ a fixed mental attitude that predetermines your response to a given situation. For example, your attitudes toward something helps develop your response or approach. Your mindset then becomes your approach.

Believing it is Possible

You often hear “if you can see it you can achieve it.” Well, there's a reason. It works. Using mental imagery or visualization is one of the most powerful skills you can use to enhance your mental toughness and performance under stress. Research has shown that if you mentally prepare and believe you can accomplish something, you will increase your chances of success. However, if you allow negative thoughts and doubts to creep in, they will ultimately decrease your chances of success.

Using Mental Imagery for Success

Here is a simple form of imagery training for everyday life:

First, think about the action you are about to take. Go over it in your mind and imagine yourself doing the task while sitting or standing quietly. Next, think about it again but now go through the motions almost in a robotic motion. The final part is actually practicing the task.

The goal of this training is to help create a bridge between the psychological and physical aspects of what you are trying to accomplish. If you incorporate this into your life, new skills won’t seem so new when you try them for the first time. However, mere repetition won’t do the trick. You must also visualize yourself being successful.

Finding Your Own Mantra

A mantra is a statement or quote repeated frequently, often when praying or meditating. I believe finding an empowering mantra or belief statement is the first step you can take towards healing.

For me, during my cancer treatment I am employing the following mantra:

“I have the strength, faith and support I need to heal from this cancer.”

Your mantra doesn’t have to be religious, it can be a quote— even lyrics to a song. It just has to be something that empowers you and helps you focus on a positive outcome despite your current situation.  The key is to select one quote or empowering statement and repeat is out loud (to yourself) with emotion.  This is not a simple memorization process; this is to create energy, passion and a new belief.  Also, it’s important to select a different word to emphasize.  Say that you choose “Men’s best successes come after their disappointments.”  For the first 5 times you say it out loud with energy on the entire phrase.  Next emphasize the word “men’s”, for 5 times, then “best”, and so on until you have repeated the entire phrase. 

Once you have your mantra, the next step is to visually pair it with a positive outcome in your mind.  Focus your intention and imagine yourself successfully tackling your current obstacle. Now, picture yourself many years in the future and think about how facing that fear or challenge has made you better, stronger. Take note of all the thoughts and feelings that come to mind.

In regards to my own battle, every day I am picturing myself receiving the news that I am in remission. I then follow that image with more detailed visualizations of my body being healed and well enough to run in a 5K. Next, I picture myself well into the future—older, wiser and healthy, holding my grandkids in my arms.

Thinking Like a Warrior

The keys to a warrior mindset are preparing and believing.  Being a warrior simply means putting your heart and soul into something you believe in and never looking back. Having a warrior mindset means refusing to quit no matter the circumstances.

Having a warrior mindset also means doing whatever it takes to be prepared for future challenges because warriors don't just survive, they overcome and win. At the end of the day, life is merely a mind game; so it's important that you play to win. Your life could depend on it.

Sources:

 Police Magazine

Warrior Mind Coach

The Many Gifts of Cancer

Cancer affords me the opportunity to see the world with my eyes wide open, reveling in the smallest details that I so often took for granted.

Cancer lets me speak my truth without fear of judgement. Knowing my time here is growing uncertain, I no longer want to waste an interaction without telling those around me how I truly feel.

Cancer grants me the courage to admit my past mistakes, failures and work to make amends with those I’ve wronged.

Cancer makes me focus on the present moment rather getting lost in the past or scared about the future. All I have is NOW. Cancer helps me make the most of the present moment.

Cancer gives me the opportunity to be vulnerable to those around me. By no longer being afraid of showing weakness, cancer gives me the courage to ask for and to accept help.

Cancer helps me recognize the good in people by their many gestures of goodwill and support for my family.

Cancer strips me of my vanity and ego. Cancer is helping me learn to be comfortable in my own skin, despite its ever-changing appearance.

Cancer gives me hope that my pain and suffering may become a source of inspiration and healing for others.

Cancer is a reminder that we can’t control what happens to us or those around us. All we can control is our reaction. So, choose love. Always try to do the right thing, the kind thing.

Cancer is a daily reminder of the fragility and sanctity of life. Never forget that every day, people are fighting—to live, to heal, to survive. While we all struggle, cancer is a reminder that we are never alone in our struggle.