Here for Life

 As the wind and rain scatter seeds that bloom into flowers, spring is a time for growth, renewal and the celebration of life.

Springtime, especially the month of May,  has always been a special time for me and my family. From meeting my husband to birthing my twins and going into remission —the month of May brings lots to celebrate and be grateful for.  

May also brings Mother’s Day, a time of remembering and celebrating the moms and special women who have shaped our lives.

Just as Mother Nature brings forth new life each spring, in becoming a mother to my three beautiful children, I’ve learned that motherhood is a time when we are called to be both a vessel and to be a passage. No matter the length of time, whether you carry a child in your womb or now in your heart—both ache the same. To be a mother is to pour yourself out over and over out of love. To let yourself be broken open so that others might draw forth life.

I’ve come to realize that regardless of whether or not we are mothers—all of us are vessels in some way. Just as a mother’s body brings forth new life; we all carry things—both tangible and intangible within us throughout our lives. They are the seeds and weeds that build us up and weigh us down. At times they can even break us wide open. Some of them are unwanted. Some of them we’re not even sure how they got there.

Over time this emotional cargo builds quietly and steadily that often, we often don’t even realize how heavy the weight we carry has become. Day after day, week after week, year after year, it slowly mounts on our backs, our hearts and the recesses of our minds. Over time, we begin to wonder why we are so tired or why we feel so emotionally worn-out. This is because we often underestimate the weight of the things we carry within us. We feel the consequences, but don’t know the root of the suffering. The question soon becomes, how do we solve this? How do we begin to unload such a burden?

Just like the moon, we all go through periods of emptiness, to be full again.

Some things we may be able to get rid of— we can unload some of the weight. Some of our loads are more noticeable than others. Some of the things we carry are given to us, placed upon us, sometimes even dumped on us. These are the things we don’t have any control over. They often have deep roots in our family trees. These are the things that we carry that our parents or other family members gave us. Things we’d never choose to carry on our own like traumatic loss, mental illness, or abuse from a family member.

Some of the things we carry, like suicide, will be with us forever.

 The impact of this type of loss carries a strange kind of presence. However, I have come to learn that the only way to carry the gravity of this immense loss is by accepting and surrendering to the pain so that you can move through it rather than constantly fight against it.  

May is also Mental Health Awareness Month.

Nearly 20 years ago it was in May that my family first encountered the tragic effects of suicide. In late May of 2000, my aunt, a former police officer, lost her battle with depression. My aunt’s tragic death sent shockwaves of grief and depression rippling through my family. It is said that the person who dies by suicide dies once, but those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand…why?


While we may never know or fully comprehend the ‘why’ behind a tragedy like suicide, it’s important as survivors to change the “Whys” to “What can I do now?” by taking action and getting more involved in our local communities. The reality is 1 in 5 adults in the U.S. (46.6 million) experiences mental illness in a given year, and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for people age 10 to 34.  I truly believe it is by raising awareness for mental health that we are able to help establish broader community support for those struggling with mental illness.

I’ve been blessed to be surrounded by incredibly strong and resilient women my whole life.

Women who continue to love openly and deeply, even though their hearts have been shattered by unimaginable loss with the untimely deaths of their children. Yet, despite their inconceivable grief and pain, they continue on, grounded in part by their unshakable faith and the love and support from their family and friends.

Grief over losing a loved one knows no timetable, especially when they pass tragically. Losing a loved one to suicide compounds this by adding another layer of confusion, shame and guilt that they missed the signs or could have done something to prevent it.

 It’s for this reason that I dusted off my running shoes and ran in my first 5K this weekend—SPS Services of America’s Here for Life Run in honor of suicide prevention. While at times I walked more than I ran, no matter how small the step or slow the pace, any forward movement is progress and one step closer to becoming whole again.  I’ve come to learn that whether you carry your life or your life carries you, in the end, all that matters is whether or not you are going in the right direction.

We all struggle but we don’t have to face our struggles alone. 

Although the stigma surrounding mental illness often urges us to remain silent, it is only by sharing our struggles and our triumphs over our mental hurdles that we gain true resilience while helping others in the process.

Overcoming cancer and battling my own mental health struggles has taught me that we all go through periods of losing ourselves…only to find ourselves again.

I have learned that like the moon, I too must be empty and almost invisible so that I can grow to be glowing and full again.

The feeling of extreme emptiness comes in many forms.

Some call it depression. Loss. Others call it grief.  

No matter what we call it—we all face similar struggles. The older we get, the more we lose; this is the law of impermanence. We lose loved ones, cherished dreams, physical strength, work, and relationships. Often, it seems like loss upon loss. All these losses bring up enormous grief that we must be prepared to embrace completely if we are to live with open hearts.

Ram Dass and other spiritual teachers often encourage us to surrender to the experience of our pain and grief.

They say that to counteract our natural tendency to turn away from pain, we must open to it as fully as possible and allow our hearts to break. We must take enough time to remember our losses –friends or loved ones who pass away, the death of long-held hopes or dreams, the loss of homes, careers, or health we may never get back again. Rather than close ourselves to grief, it helps to realize that we only grieve for what we love.

Grief passes in time— yet the time it takes varies by person. 

It is often said that the grief process is more like a spiral, bringing us to a place of release, decreasing for a time, then continuing on a deeper level. Many times when we are grieving, we think that it’s over, only to find ourselves swept away by another wave of intense feeling. Over time we soon realize that these deep feelings don’t disappear completely; the pain of their loss merely transforms us. Ultimately, we soon realize love is stronger than death, and our loved ones are indeed still with us—just in a different form.

Life is full of peaks and valleys; unfortunate twists and turns. Highs and lows. Death and rebirth.

Time and time again we are forced to make difficult decisions and say goodbye to those we love. We are repeatedly broken apart, over and over, and through the cracks we catch glimpses of the mysteries of living and dying.

The cycles of nature remind us that nothing is permanent, and although we may be in the midst of a difficult season right now, relief will soon be here; if we just hang on a little longer.

While the things we carry may define us, we are equally capable of defining them. Whether we are currently weighed down with depression, anxiety, loss or illness; ultimately the first step to relieving our burden is opening up to it.

It is only by opening up to these emotions and fully feeling them, that we are able to move past them.  I’ve found by opening myself up and sharing my story; my struggles with depression, anxiety, suicide and loss, it helps ease the burdens of others and lightens the weight on my shoulders too.

“Maybe I can’t stop the downpour, but I will always join you for a walk in the rain.

”

Read More about Coping with Grief on my blog, Unpacking Grief: The Ball & The Box Analogy.

Sources:

Mental Health By the Numbers- NAMI

Ram Dass Meditates on Learning to Grieve- Ram Dass

What I Learned a Year into Remission

May 1st, 2019 marked 1 year in remission from Stage 3 Classical Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”

— Albert Camus

A year ago I got the call saying my latest scan showed there was no cancerous activity in my body. I officially made it to the other side of my diagnosis, but I still had 4 months of chemo left.

A year into remission, I’ve found hardest part of remission is simply being. During treatment the goal is to reach remission but once you do, you’re often left feeling...okay now what? What do I do next? Resuming your old ways seems impossible. So ...much in your life has changed. Some things for the better. Some for worse.

My cancer journey has taught me accepting the changes— both positive and negative are part of healing. Healing is a paradox. It’s a constant push and pull between watching your appearance drastically change while celebrating any progress you make towards healing. Because all these bodily changes indicate something very powerful is happening, right?

I had big plans to celebrate my first year of remission. I planned to run in my first 5K at Northwestern next month. But as I started to train and push myself to get into shape I soon realized my body isn’t ready…YET 😉

So this year I may walk the Northwestern’s Cancer Survivors’ 5K instead of run but I’ve decided any positive change is PROGRESS. Instead of pushing myself to accomplish lofty goals, I’m giving myself grace. Grace to not push myself so hard and enjoy the healing process one day at a time.

Healing is becoming whole again and that wholeness comes in many forms. We are shaped by our positive and negative experiences. But I’m slowly learning it’s how we find balance that truly makes all the difference.

Today, I’m so grateful to be able to enjoy dinner at home with my family. We’re counting our blessings and hugging each other a little tighter tonight. I hope I am fortunate to count my remission by the number of years but until then I am learning sometimes all you can do is not think, not imagine, not obsess. All you can really do is take a deep breath and have faith it will all work out for the best.

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If you want to donate or join me next month for the Northwestern Cancer Survivors’ 5K please visit my team site: https://secure2.convio.net/nmhc/site/TR/Walk/EVE_LCCWALK…

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!

Radical Remission: Healing Our Biology with Our Beliefs

“He who has health, has hope. And he who has hope has everything. ”

— Thomas Carlyle

What makes someone go into spontaneous remission from cancer? Every day, people around the world are achieving remission and healing their bodies from seemingly “incurable” conditions. How do some people beat cancer against all odds?

When you or someone you love is diagnosed with cancer, your first instinct is to dive headfirst into your treatment options. However, once you are diagnosed, you are typically advised to start aggressive treatment in the form of chemotherapy—as soon as possible. Knowing cancer is in your body and possibly spreading often leaves cancer patients with little time or options to research alternative healing methods or more holistic treatment approaches. Many times, it is only after traditional or conventional medicine fails does one start to explore alternative ways to heal their bodies.

You may have heard a similar story: A person with advanced cancer tries all conventional treatment options including chemotherapy, radiation and surgery but nothing works. They are sent home to enter hospice yet five years later, they walk into their doctor’s office healthy and cancer free? How is this possible?

When it comes to the medical anomaly of radical remission, studying cases of extraordinary healing can give us valuable insights into the body’s capacity for self-healing and rapid transformation. Receiving a diagnosis or cancer or any incurable disease or condition is life-changing. How do you hang on to hope, when your health is in jeopardy and your future is now viewed in terms of a probability?

Our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions have a huge impact on our health and ability to heal. The latest scientific research in epigenetics reveals that we are not victims of unchangeable genes, nor should we blindly accept a frightening prognosis. The truth is we have more control over our health than we have been taught to believe.

The Radical Remission Project was born out of Dr. Kelly Turner, Ph.D.’s dissertation research on radical remission from cancer. Her specialized research focus is on remission that occurs either in the absence of conventional medicine or after conventional medicine has failed.  As Dr. Turner began to research the phenomenon of radical remission while studying at the University of California at Berkeley, she realized that the opinions of two groups of people were typically missing from the thousands of radical remission cases published in medical journals‒the survivors and alternative healers. Because Western doctors do not currently have an explanation for why radical remissions occur, Dr. Turner sought out to investigate. Her research involved a year-long trip around the world where she traveled to 10 different countries interviewing radical remission survivors and alternative healers about their techniques for healing cancer. Since then, in her research, Dr. Turner has analyzed thousands of cases of radical remission. The findings of her research are summarized in the New York Times Bestseller Radical Remission and highlighted in the documentary Heal.

In her research, Dr. Turner identified more than seventy-five physical, emotional and spiritual factors that contribute to radical remission. However, she was ultimately able to boil her research down to these Nine Common Factors of Radical Remission:

1.    Taking control of your health. Recent studies show that feeling helpless weakens your immune system and can decrease survival time in cancer patients. If that’s true, that what would taking control of your health do? Most of us only have a basic understanding of how to care for our bodies and when they break down or when we become sick we run to medical professionals to heal us; yet doctors typically prescribe pills that mask the symptoms without resolving the underlying problem, or they may fix the problem yet in turn create some negative side effects. Radical remission survivors approach healing from a different perspective. They take an active role in their health —willing to make difficult and sometimes radical changes to improve their health. 

2.    Radically changing your diet. It’s been said that you are what you eat and research consistently shows radical dietary changes can help heal cancer. Among, radical remission survivors, Dr. Turner found the same four dietary changes:

•    Greatly reducing or eliminating sugar, meat, dairy and refined foods

•    Greatly increasing vegetable and fruit intake

•    Eating organic foods

•    Drinking filtered water

Cancer cells consume sugar much faster than normal, healthy cells. While research is still not clear that a high-sugar diet causes cancer, once cancer cells are in your body, they consume anywhere from 10 to 50 times more glucose (sugar) than normal cells. It makes sense for cancer patients to avoid feeding their cancer cells by cutting as much refined sugar from their diets.

3.    Following your intuition. Intuitive decisions are not ones we think through carefully with reason, they happen suddenly arising from an instinctual, bodily response. Scientists recently discovered our gut is full of over 100 million neurons allowing it think and feel similar to our mind, and it can also function independently from our brains. This helps explain how people get a “gut feeling” about things. Radical remission survivors believe the body has an inherent knowledge about what it needs to heal. They know listening to your body and trusting in your intuition can guide you to make the changes your body is asking for, so you can regain your health. Research has found that our instinctual bodies often know the answer before our analytical mind does. Studies have also shown that when it comes to making major life decisions, trusting your intuition typically results in better outcomes than following your logical, thinking brain. Dr. Turner found throughout her research that radical remission survivors learned how to harness the power of their intuition because they believe their intuitive flashes of knowing often provide important life-saving information.

4.    Using herbs and supplements.  It is widely believed that to get rid of cancer you must change the condition in which it thrives. The main difference between chemotherapy and vitamin/herbal supplements is that most chemotherapy treatments are designed to kill cancer cells; whereas most supplements are designed to strengthen your immune system so it can remove the cancer cells. 

While supplements can help you regain balance and health, there is no magic bullet. Dr. Turner found most radical remission survivors supplemented with digestive enzymes like probiotics and prebiotics, detoxified with ant-fungals, anti-virals and anti-parasitics and boosted their immune system with vitamin C, aloe vera, vitamin D and B12. 

5.    Releasing suppressed emotions.  Suppressed emotions are any emotions you are hanging on to from your past: positive, negative, consciously or unconsciously. Alternative healers and radical remission survivors believe that illness is a blockage within our body-mind-spirit system. They believe that health is achieved when there is an unrestrictive movement on all three levels. Sometimes because your immune system is weakened, cancer cells are not always removed from the body as they should be. Over time, these cancer cells build up to form a tumor. From an alternative healing perspective, this blockage needs to be addressed to prevent the cancer cells from building up again. Researchers know that chronic stress weakens the immune system and the immune system plays a vital role in detecting and removing cancer cells from the body. Among all suppressed emotions, fear is the most common. ‘Fear of death’ is something we all must face, but cancer patients are forced to examine their own mortality the moment they hear, “You have cancer.” Countless research studies have shown that fear keeps the body stuck in fight-or-flight mode which prevents the body from moving into rest-and-repair mode— literally shutting down the immune system.

6.    Increasing Positive Emotions. Radical remission survivors try to experience love, happiness and joy on a daily basis. While many think it may be difficult to bring happiness into your life in the midst of a traumatic cancer journey; Dr. Turner suggests making it a point to purposely do things each day that bring you some happiness or joy for at least five minutes a day. Starting your day with gratitude, watching funny videos, a positive affirmation or quote can help fuel your immune system. Making a habit to visualize a positive outcome is also important too. Using guided imagery and picturing your tumors shrinking with each treatment can be incredibly powerful ways to lower your anxiety and help your body heal.

7.    Embracing social support. Receiving love is never more important than when we are sick. Research has shown that the feeling of being loved releases a powerful mix of hormones to our bodies that makes us feel better emotionally, strengthens our immune system and actually helps our bodies heal. Nearly all radical remission survivors Dr. Turner interviewed believed the love they received from others when they were sick helped their bodies heal. An especially important component to the healing for most cancer survivors was physical touch. Hugging, putting an arm around someone’s shoulder or a pain-relieving massage was an essential part of their healing process.

8.    Deepening your spiritual connection. Most radical remission survivors and alternative healers describe spiritual energy as something that is intensely felt both physically as well as emotionally. It is often described as a warm, blissful energy that radiates downward from head to toe, imbuing the body with a sense of unconditional love. Yoga, running, massage or other spiritual practices can all help you experience this spiritual energy. According to Dr. Turner’s research, the manner in which you connect to this energy does not matter, but daily connection or practice is necessary to receive the healing benefits. Regardless of which method you choose prayer, meditation, yoga or running, the first step is learning to quiet your mind. Learning how to distance yourself from your thoughts, helps your thoughts calm down and eventually dissipate. Some people find exercising before mediating helps them get into this spiritual flow faster. Research has also shown that meditation helps boost your immune system. One study recently found the more you meditate the more antibodies your body produces. Meditation and mindfulness are powerful ways to combat chronic disease and research has shown daily practice helps suppress genes that have been linked to the development of common cancers.

9.    Having a strong reason for living. According to Dr. Turner’s research, having a strong reason for living boils down to a core conviction or desire to keep living. This core confidence comes by focusing on the fact that you want to keep living rather than the fact you may die sooner than you hoped. From an alternative healing perspective, the mind leads the body and having a strong reason for living invites “chi” into the body. Like breathing, alternative healers believe we invite the breath of life into our bodies when we are excited about living, however, when we are not excited about living we eventually do not bring enough chi into our bodies to keep us alive. For many radical remission survivors, being excited about living means they have to get in (or back in) touch with their calling or true passions. Getting diagnosed with cancer often forces people to examine what they would like to change in order to make their remaining time on this planet meaningful and enjoyable as possible. The common thread among most radical remission survivors is the desire to live life for as long as possible‒not to avoid death at all costs which is an important difference. Radical remission survivors have looked death in the face and accepted its inevitability. But they also realize that no one‒no even their doctors‒know for sure when they are going to die. Radical remission survivors choose not to focus on their death but instead they concentrate their energy on all the things they want to do while they are still alive. Focusing on your reason for living provides a welcome distraction from any fears of death you may have and research has shown it can actually help you live longer. 

Scientists know that cancer can be caused by toxins, viruses, bacteria, genetic mutation and cell breakdown. According to Dr. Turner, what makes cancer more difficult to treat is that the state of an individual’s mind-body-spirit system plays a pivotal role in how the body responds and ultimately heals from this complex disease. It’s important to note that the Nine Factors of Radical Remission are not listed in any specific ranking order. Some survivors tended to focus on factor more than others, but in various degrees these nine factors were common among all radical remission survivors.

The most positive part of Dr. Turner’s research is that none of these factors are rare, difficult to access or extremely expensive. They simply require a little effort. Most interestingly, only two of the nine factors Dr. Turner identified are physical; the majority of the factors deal with the spiritual or emotional aspects of healing which demonstrates the powerful effect our thoughts, beliefs and feelings may have on our overall health.

For many cancer patients, including myself, some of the scariest moments of your journey are the initial diagnosis and then the uncertainty of achieving long-term remission. In my view, remission in many ways, can be harder than active treatment because you are often told that there isn’t much to do but watch and wait to see if your cancer will return which can be very disempowering. Reading the inspiring radical remission case studies of people of all ages around the world curing themselves from advanced stage cancer without using chemotherapy, radiation or surgery, demonstrates our body’s incredible healing capacity. When used as an alternative to Western medicine or in combination, the Nine Factors of Radical Remission provide the hope that no matter where we are in our treatment journey, we can shift the odds of remission in our favor.

***It is important to note the nine key factors described in Dr. Turner’s work are hypotheses for why radical remissions may occur— they are not yet proven facts. While there are cases of radical remission documented for almost every type of cancer, these incredible transformations point to the differences between curing and healing. Curing is sometimes possible but healing is always possible because true healing means bringing more purpose, healthy behaviors and happiness in your life regardless of how much time you have to live.

Visit Dr. Turner’s website to search thousands of real cases of Radical Remission from cancer . You can filter by diagnosis type and submit your own healing story.

Sources:

Turner, K. A. (2015). Radical remission: Surviving cancer against all odds. New York, NY: Harper One.

The Radical Remission Project. https://radicalremission.com/

Heal a documentary by Kelly Noonan Gores. http://www.healdocumentary.com/about.html

 How The Mind Can Boost Immunity, Multiply Health, & Conquer Disease. https://eocinstitute.org/meditation/boosting-your-immune-system-with-meditation/

 Epigenetics: How It Works And What It Means for Cancer Research. https://blog.dana-farber.org/insight/2018/01/epigenetics-cancer-research/

Beating the Odds: Cancer, Luck & Genetics

What role does luck play in our chances of getting cancer?

Why is a four-leaf clover lucky?  As a mom, I often have to field questions like this from my children and admittedly as I approach my first full year of remission, ‘luck’ has been on my mind. What does it mean to be lucky and can someone change their luck, especially when it comes to their health?

When we receive a diagnosis of cancer or hear of someone else’s diagnosis, our knee-jerk response is often to say it’s a case of bad luck. But when something ‘good’ happens, like getting a dream job or buying a new house or car, people tend to attribute that to a certain amount of luck or good fortune. However, getting diagnosed with cancer or another serious illness can turn out to be a blessing for many people; many cancer survivors often claim it was the best thing that could have happened to them.

What if cancer is not a curse, but simply our body’s way of getting rid of something that does not belong to it, or that should not be there? When we view life this way, the diagnosis of cancer, or any other serious illness, becomes an opportunity rather than an unfortunate event.  

Where science and luck intersect has long been of interest to many. New research into the science of luck shows that it is not some mystical force—it requires action, and many of the events that may seem like random chance are not so random after all. By combining recent discoveries in psychology, genetics and neuroscience, experts are developing a new way of understanding luck and what it means for our health.

More than Luck? It’s in the Genes

Why do we get cancer? What makes the cells in our bodies start to rapidly change and divide out of control?

Overall, inherited mutations are thought to play a role in about 5 to 10 percent of all cancers. This can be compared to what happens in nature in a field of clover. Usually, we see 3 leaves on each clover. However, once in a while, we find a clover that has an extra leaf making it a four-leaf clover. We don’t know why Mother Nature decided to add that extra leaf—she just did.

There is no obvious explanation since all the clover plants grew in the same soil and were exposed to the same sun and rain. Mother Nature just decided to add an extra leaf to one of the clover in the field. This doesn’t make it better or not as good as the other clover— it’s just different. It is much the same when we or someone we love develops cancer. We don’t know exactly why the cells started to change and rapidly divide out of control. Some say this happens due to a combination of genetics, our environment and perhaps even luck.

About 1 in 10,000 of clover also known as Trifolium repens  has four leaves instead of the usual three seen in the traditional Irish shamrock. It’s widely believed it brings a person good luck when they find a four-leaf clover; however the reason for the extra leaf is rooted in science. In 2010, scientists at the University of Georgia found a gene that produces a fourth leaf on Trifolium repens. Because four-leaf clovers are a mutation, they are rare, and not found in the same abundance as the typical three-leafed shamrock—making them both rare and lucky. 

Epigenetics and the Future of Healthcare

“to think that one gene equals one trait is a mistake… you don’t realize the ramifications that one change can make on everything else around it” – Tracy Gapin 

Inside each cell in the human body there is a copy of DNA (deoxyribonucleic acid) which is made up of billions of base pairs of proteins. According to Oklahoma Medical Research Foundation President, Dr. Stephen Prescott, “About 99.5 percent of human DNA is identical, but the differences in that .5 percent are what make us individuals. Changes in the DNA are called mutations and we all have them. Some make no difference at all, while others are linked to everything from hair color and height to different diseases like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, as well as cancer and developmental disorders.”

The collective name for the processes by which cells designate some genes for use and others for storage is called epigenetics. Epigenetics is key to an organism’s development. A human embryo develops from a single cell and must be able to develop hundreds of different types of cells such as muscle cells, nerve cells and kidney cells that comprise a human being. The specific set of switched-on genes within a cell determine the type of cell it is. Certain epigenetic factors influence which genes are active — which are in use by the cell — and which are not.

“Almost all of the cells of our bodies (except certain immune cells) have exactly the same genes — the same ‘hardware,'” says Myles Brown, MD, co-director of Dana-Farber’s Center for Functional Cancer Epigenetics and professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. “It is the specific ‘software’ that a cell is running that determines its cellular identity. In cancer, both defects in the hardware (gene mutations) and ‘bugs’ in the software (epigenetic alterations) play major roles.”

The most common explanation for cancer is genetic: misaligned chromosomes, misspelled DNA, or miscopied genes all interfere with a cell’s basic programming, sending the cell into hyper-growth. As knowledge of the epigenome grows, we continue to learn more about how the substances we consume and the social situations we are in influence the way our genes are expressed. By better understanding genetics and how our genes can cause diseases, researchers hope to prevent the onset of illnesses or find new treatments for cancer and diseases we already have. However, unlike genetic mutations, epigenetic changes are potentially reversible. This raises the possibility that drugs capable of returning epigenetic markers to their normal setting could be extraordinarily effective in treating and perhaps even curing cancer.

Luck and What it Means for Health

Luck isn't just the outcome of chance events. Improbable events are likely to happen if given enough opportunities. So how do we tip the scale in our favor and become luckier, especially when it comes to our health?

Dr. Richard Wiseman is a professor of psychology at the University of Hertfordshire and the bestselling author of many books including: Luck Factor.  What his work shows as a whole is that people can change their luck.

Luck is not something supernatural in nature. It's something that we are creating by our thoughts and behavior.  Dr. Wiseman ran a series of experiments called "Luck School" where he taught unlucky people how to act more like lucky people do. The result? In total, 80 percent of people who attended Luck School said that their luck had increased. On average, these people estimated that their luck had increased by more than 40 percent. And not only were they luckier afterward, tests results showed they were also happier.

 [Watch this video for more on his experiment]

According to Dr. Wiseman, we can increase our luck by following  4 basic principles rooted in science and psychology:

1. Lucky people take advantage of opportunities. Lucky people create, notice, and act upon the chance opportunities in their lives. Lucky people are always willing to try new things. Unlucky people suffered from paralysis by analysis. They typically won’t do anything until they walked through every single scenario and unfortunately by then the world had moved on. They don't gain the benefits of learning by doing. Wiseman’s research also shows certain personality types are luckier because they tend to create scenarios that maximize opportunities, thereby increasing the odds of a lucky outcome.

Who is more lucky?

• People who are extroverted: More time with others, more interesting possibilities.

• People who aren't anxious: Tense, anxious people are less likely to notice and take advantage of opportunities.

• People who are open to new experiences: Without embracing the new, you're probably not going to have many interesting things happen.

2. Lucky people follow their intuition. When your body has expertise in a certain area, somehow your body and the brain have detected a pattern that you haven't consciously recognized and that signals your intuition. Lucky people stop and consider those feelings or special hunches.  However, when unlucky people got those feelings, they didn't follow them because they didn't know where they came from. They were anxious about the world. Want to increase your luck? Simply follow your gut more often.

3. Lucky people's attitudes help them transform bad luck into good. Lucky people aren't always lucky — but they handle adversity differently than unlucky people. Lucky people see the positive side of their bad luck. Lucky people are convinced that any bad turn of events in their lives will, in the long run, work out for the best. Lucky people do not dwell on their misfortune; instead they take steps to prevent more bad luck in the future. How do you respond to disappointment? When things get tough in life you have two choices: fold or keep going. Lucky people are very resilient.

4. Lucky people expect good things to happen to them. Be an optimist.  It turns out a little delusion can be beneficial. You're more likely to try new things, follow through on opportunities and find success if you believe things will work out well. Lucky people also believe in superstitions. Several studies have shown good luck charms do improve performance, whether it's physical skills like playing golf or mental skills like memory tasks.

Luck is similar to gratitude in that a lot depends on your perspective. Even when bad things happen, lucky people respond to adversity differently, often finding the positive side to their misfortune. When it comes to luck and our health, we often have greater control over our future than we realize. We can change our luck and now science is even showing we may be able to alter our genes, improve our health and even reverse diseases through our thoughts, behavior and healthy lifestyle choices.

Sources:

https://omrf.org/2014/03/17/theres-more-than-luck-behind-a-four-leaf-clover/

http://treytonsposse.com/about/clover/

https://www.cancer.gov/about-cancer/causes-prevention/genetics/genetic-testing-fact-sheet

https://blog.dana-farber.org/insight/2018/01/epigenetics-cancer-research/

https://mantalks.com/tracy-gapin/

https://theweek.com/articles-amp/617478/how-become-luckier-according-science

The Science of Luck https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3NHSmOcX6wU

(Dr. Wiseman’s Experiment)

Scanxiety: 6 Ways to Cope

“Every three to four months I get a wake-up call that my life has taken an unexpected turn. Believe me, there are daily reminders of how different I am now; but scan time is big time scary time, mentally. It takes living with cancer to yet another level of heighten sense of mortality and anxiety. So MANY thoughts and what ifs course through my brain. SO hard to shut it off.” – Katie Edick, METASTATIC AND MAKARIOS.

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One of the hardest parts about cancer is the waiting. Waiting for results. Waiting for answers. Waiting to know if you’re in remission or the fight is still raging on.

 Going through cancer treatment is like being on a giant emotional roulette wheel that spins you around for a few days and then shoots you out the other side. Land on red, you’re in for another trip to Cancerland; land on black, you have three more months of freedom  until your next scan. Couple that with my tendency to pass out from needles/ stress and you have a recipe for some serious scanxiety. Fortunately, my life-long battle with anxiety has taught me some good ways of coping with such gut-wrenching uncertainty.

Here are 6 ways to cope with scanxiety:

1.       Sometimes, the unknown is the greatest cause of our anxiety. Cancer treatment brings a new level of uncertainty to your life. If you are unclear about anything from what to expect during the scan, to when and how you can expect to receive your results, or what those results might mean, don’t be afraid to ask your doctor. I’ve found having a clear understanding of what you may or may notexperience allows you to be better prepared and often helps calm your mind.

2.       Distraction is often the best antidote for anxiety. Before my scan, I make sure to watch some funny videos or clips of my favorite movies. I also listen to music while waiting for my appointment to help relax my mind and shift my mindset. After my scan, I do my best to stay active and preoccupy myself with work, or exercise or household projects. Yoga and walking meditations are some of my favorite ways   to stay active when I’m not able to do more strenuous exercise like running.

3.       Focus on your breathing. During my test, I keep my eyes closed the whole time and focus on my breathing. Fast, shallow breathing increases anxiety. I make sure to take a big deep breath and hold it, then slowly breathe all of the air out of my lungs. Once I get that breathing down I add a mantra. A powerful mantra I love to use is “I am (breath in, pause, long exhale) my breath”. This helps me quiet my anxious thoughts and stay more present.

4.       Remind yourself this is only temporary. Worrying can be a great distraction but it really never solves anything. Worrying my cancer will return or that it has returned robs me of precious moments. Moments where I’m still very much in remission...so why waste that time worrying about something that may or may not be true?  Worrisome thoughts will arise but I do my best not to entertain them for long. Instead I try to shift my focus to the things I can control each day and make those my priorities. I remind myself to be grateful I’ve reached remission, no matter how long it lasts.

5.       Prepare for the worst but visualize the best possible outcome. Scanxiety often feels like a rollercoaster of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Creating a strategy for the worst-case scenario can give you a better sense of control. Cancer often makes you feel powerless, but creating a basic action plan just in case can help you regain your power as well as help you maintain a more optimistic and resilient attitude.

6.       Your mind is more powerful than you realize. Visualization and guided imagery have been shown to improve your mood, control symptoms or side effects and even boost your immune system. Imagine yourself receiving great news after your scan. Allow yourself to experience the feelings of relief, gratitude and elation. Think about these things as though you are remembering them. Seeing it in your mind’s eye can give you the reassurance you need to overcome your scanxiety.

Remember, while we can’t control what is happening to us in life, we are always in control of how we respond to what’s happening.

Perfectly Imperfect

“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.” Shakespeare

What matters is what something is, not what it is called. Though our bodies may be scarred from treatment or worn-out from illness, our spirit is eternal and ultimately unshakeable. We must remember, above else we are SURVIVORS. Although we may feel broken at times, our imperfections often highlight our true essence when we are brave enough to peel back the layers of scar tissue. We can discover that at our core lies incredible strength and resilience against any adversity.

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There have been many times in my life where I’ve felt irreparably damaged and broken. Whether it was after learning I had cancer or simply something I did or said, there have been plenty of times where I wish I could rewind the clock. It would take everything in my power not to run and hide because I’m was so incredibly embarrassed and ashamed by something I said, did —  or perhaps failed to do.

But the thing I’ve discovered about shame is that it thrives in silence. It tries to will you to remain silent because of the fear you won’t be accepted. Your imperfections are too much and will make others uncomfortable so it is better to hide them away. Shame also causes you to endlessly cycle through your past actions looking for reasons why something happened, some explanation to make sense of the chaos of the all the stirred-up emotions guilt can bring. However, the most important thing my mistakes have taught me over time is that there is true power when you freely admit the things you’ve said or done wrong, then take steps to remedy the situation. I believe it is only through awareness and acceptance that we are truly able to grow and heal.

I recently learned about the Japanese philosophy of wabi-sabi and have been trying to apply this concept to my daily life as I work on recovering from my recent cancer treatment. The truth is getting cancer in my 30s, as a young wife and mother, opened my eyes and gave me a glimpse into my mortality. No matter how you slice it, getting diagnosed with any life-changing illness is a wake-up call. It forces you to reexamine your life and your priorities in ways you never thought you would have imagined. In many ways, cancer has caused me to hit my internal reset button and become fully committed to improving my health, balance and overall wellness, both physically and mentally.

The Japanese Philosophy of Wabi-Sabi

Wabi-sabi means a state of acceptance for the imperfections in life. Wabi-sabi encourages us to focus on the blessings hiding in our daily lives, celebrating the way things are, rather than how they should be. Because when you appreciate everything, the good and the bad, you are appreciating the flow of life.

According to Mike Sturm, “Wabi-sabi is about accepting yourself and building on what you already have in life.  Embracing wabi-sabi is as easy (or as difficult) as understanding and accepting yourself — imperfections and all. It’s about being compassionate with yourself as you are and building on whatever that is — not feverishly trying to rebuild yourself to pose as something else entirely.”

 Wabi-sabi is timeless wisdom that values tranquility, harmony, beauty and imperfection, and it can also strengthen your resilience in the face of materialism and as well as during turbulent times.

I could focus on the whys. I could fret about the how’s. I could live in a constant state of panic and worry that my cancer will return. And believe me, I have and still sometimes do. As a life-long perfectionist, I can be incredibly hard on myself. I have a hard time letting go of things. But as part of my healing, I’m choosing to focus on embracing my imperfections and finding beauty in my scars. I’ve always viewed my scars as a sign of strength. They are little signposts letting others know, I’ve lived through this and you can too.

Nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect.

In Zen philosophy, there are seven core principles of wabi-sabi:

• Kanso — simplicity

• Fukinsei — asymmetry or irregularity

• Shibumi — beauty in the understated

• Shizen — naturalness without pretense

• Yugen — subtle grace

• Datsuzoku — freeness

• Seijaku — tranquility

  The concept of wabi-sabi also has its roots in the traditional Japanese tea ceremony. To illustrate this philosophy in action, one is often told to think of a well-loved teacup, cracked and chipped through constant use. This helps remind us that nothing in life is permanent — even fixed objects change over time. Another great example of the concept of wabi-sabi is found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highlighted. This is not to say the artist was careless or unskilled (wabi-sabi isn’t an excuse for poor craftsmanship). Wabi-sabi draws attention to the cracks in a tea cup as part of the beauty of the imperfections.

The philosophy of wabi-sabi can be found in the art of kintsugi, where cracked pottery is filled with gold dusted lacquer as a way to honor and showcase the beauty of its age and damage rather than concealing it. The fault is not hidden but highlighted.

Learning to Let Go

 I’ve been doing my best to relax, slow down, step back from the world and find enjoyment and gratitude for the little things. I believe it comes down to your mindset. How you frame things or an experience as either positive or negative comes down to many factors. But I’ve learned the words you say matter and your intentions are incredibly powerful. Positive intentions have the power to transform your life and the lives of those around you.

 Nothing in life is without change. Wabi-sabi offers relief against the perils of constantly striving for perfection or having a hard time letting go of our past. This age-old wisdom teaches us that dynamic impermanence is the natural state of all things. And since change is inevitable, trying to hold on to the past or the present is pointless and causes needless stress.

Stability can make us feel safe but it is a shaky foundation because it is ultimately built on the misguided assumption that things won't change— because everything does. When a sudden change comes like a loss, a layoff or an illness, the shock can be overwhelming. I’ve learned firsthand that we are desperately trying to hang on to what we know in a crisis, it can knock us flat. But when we surrender to what is and accept what is happening (not necessarily happy or condoning it, simply remaining realistic about what is happening), our lives may still get turned upside down, but we can and often do recover sooner, when we learn to go with the flow of things.

It is through embracing our perfectly imperfect selves that true healing begins. So when I’m having a hard time or feeling stuck these days, I have started the practice of asking myself:

Am I acting in fear or with faith?

Am I part of the disease or part of the cure?

Try to remember this when you feel broken too.

"Even if you’re stubborn or moody or judgmental, I will love you anyway. And when I’m stubborn, moody, and judgmental I’ll try to do the same for myself. I’ll try to rise above petty thoughts and sweeping generalizations and keep sight of who you and I really are: good people who are doing our best to navigate a sometimes-painful world. Because we all stress and strain and struggle sometimes. We all get fed up, ticked off, and let down, and at times we all lash out. In these moments when we feel lost and down on ourselves, it helps to see ourselves through the eyes of someone who believes in us. And it helps to remember we’re not alone, and that someone else really cares." ~Lori Deschene

Sources:

https://medium.com/personal-growth/wabi-sabi-the-japanese-philosophy-for-a-perfectly-imperfect-life-11563e833dc0

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-embrace-imperfections-with-wabi-sabi

To the Doctor(s) that Misdiagnosed Me:

Throughout history, doctors have often been looked up to as gods for their ability to heal others. But even the best and brightest people make mistakes. Upon graduating from medical school doctors take a Hippocratic Oath professing to “first do no harm”. But in certain cases, it is believed by many doctors that it may be better to do nothing rather than intervening and potentially causing more harm than good. As patients, here are 5 things we would like you to remember before you diagnosis us.

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To the Doctor(s) that Misdiagnosed Me:

In my 30 plus years on this planet, I’ve been the unfortunate witness to the wide spectrum of care that exists in the medical field. As a cancer survivor, and after personally dealing with several chronic medical conditions myself, as well as both my daughter’s and husband’s serious medical conditions (heart surgery and brain surgery), both which required almost immediate life-saving surgical intervention upon diagnosis, there are 5 important things that I would like you to keep in mind when diagnosing a patient or a member of their family with a potentially life-threatening illness.

1.    We are beyond scared. Please be patient and kind. We may be just another patient on your schedule or a last-minute appointment that got added to your day, but please keep in mind patients often seek out the best medical experts when we are in life or death situations. We are scared for our lives. We want reassurance and false hope if necessary, to get us through this difficult time. Please remember to see us as fellow humans first. Patients second. 

2.    We are more informed patients thanks to Google and other online resources. Thanks to technology, I now walk around with 24/7 to my complete medical history for the last 4 years of my life. I have access to every blood test, scan and test result you can think of. I also have access to medical research articles and you’d be surprised by the valuable medical information you can get from Facebook and other online support groups filled with other’s going through similar health struggles. Please respect my ability to research my medical condition and listen with an open mind to my concerns regarding my health.

3.    By the time we are coming to see you, we have likely consulted with numerous other doctors and specialists. As moms and wives, we are often the ones in the family who are often on the frontlines of our families’ medical struggles. We manage the appointments and research the best doctors and specialists we feel can best help us. Please see as us more than as an unnecessarily worried, anxious, stressed ‒or worse a hypochondriac, a person who has an irrational underlying fear or belief of having a serious disease without medical evidence to back up their symptoms. Sometimes fears are valid. Sometimes it is CANCER or the worst possible scenario so all options should be explored until a valid theory is reached.  Sometimes symptoms can’t be explained with routine tests.  Please take the time and have the patience to get to the root cause of my issues, rather than simply prescribing me a prescription and calling it a day or dismissing my concerns as simply “in my head” and that “I’m simply stressed or depressed” and should seek out some ways to reduce my stress levels.

4. “Statistical improbabilities” exist. I’m one of them. As a cancer survivor, I’m a walking medical statistic and so is my daughter and my husband. No matter how outrageous my claim or statistically unlikely based on your initial assessment, realize that the human body is a mysterious and complicated machine and although you are extremely well-educated and highly trained, even the best doctors overlook symptoms and miss diagnoses. Please dig deeper and don’t settle for the first, easiest explanation you come across. If something doesn’t make sense, please continue to investigate.

5.    I’m trusting you with my life or the life of my loved one.  As humans, most of us are on the cusp of life and death all our lives and may never realize it. But as a mom to a child born with a congenital heart defect, a husband who had a serious brain malformation and now as a cancer survivor myself, I understand first-hand how fragile life can be. However, I also believe in miracles and the incredible power of people like you to help fix our broken bodies and uplift our spirits by giving us the power to have hope even in our worst times. Hearing you or someone you love has a life-threatening diagnosis is almost indescribable. But as a patient, what matters MOST are the words that come next. I’ll never forget hearing the words from my Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist on November 27, 2017:

You have Hodgkin Lymphoma. This is a type of cancer that starts in your white blood cells which are part of your immune system. However, this is extremely treatable cancer. Even curable in a lot of instances.

When I first met with my oncologist who specializes in my type of lymphoma cancer. One of the first things she did after explaining my diagnosis, was to compassionately look me in the eyes, hold my hand and tell me, “My job as your doctor (and a mother myself) is to cure you.” I believe her conviction at that moment was instrumental in helping me have the courage to go through with pretty aggressive 9 months of cancer treatment. And thankfully I did because I’m now in remission, largely to my doctor’s clinical trial and the trust we established during my initial consultation. Please remember that you are giving more than a diagnosis. You are sometimes giving a life-changing label, one that once spoken out loud by an esteemed medical professional can be quite unforgettable and even damaging‒ whether or not it is correct. Please also be careful with how you explain our diagnosis. As a patient and the mother of a patient, I want the good, bad and ugly. I want to be prepared by educating myself on all possible outcomes so I know what to expect. And remember, if you don’t tell me, I’ll probably just look it up on online anyway.

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The Hippocratic Oath:

I swear by Apollo the physician, and Asclepius, and Hygieia and Panacea and all the gods and goddesses as my witnesses, that, according to my ability and judgement, I will keep this Oath and this contract:

To hold him who taught me this art equally dear to me as my parents, to be a partner in life with him, and to fulfill his needs when required; to look upon his offspring as equals to my own siblings, and to teach them this art, if they shall wish to learn it, without fee or contract; and that by the set rules, lectures, and every other mode of instruction, I will impart a knowledge of the art to my own sons, and those of my teachers, and to students bound by this contract and having sworn this Oath to the law of medicine, but to no others.

I will use those dietary regimens which will benefit my patients according to my greatest ability and judgement, and I will do no harm or injustice to them.

I will not give a lethal drug to anyone if I am asked, nor will I advise such a plan; and similarly I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion.

In purity and according to divine law will I carry out my life and my art.

I will not use the knife, even upon those suffering from stones, but I will leave this to those who are trained in this craft.

Into whatever homes I go, I will enter them for the benefit of the sick, avoiding any voluntary act of impropriety or corruption, including the seduction of women or men, whether they are free men or slaves.

Whatever I see or hear in the lives of my patients, whether in connection with my professional practice or not, which ought not to be spoken of outside, I will keep secret, as considering all such things to be private.

So long as I maintain this Oath faithfully and without corruption, may it be granted to me to partake of life fully and the practice of my art, gaining the respect of all men for all time. However, should I transgress this Oath and violate it, may the opposite be my fate.

Translated by Michael North, National Library of Medicine, 2002.

Sources:

The Hippocratic Oath

https://www.nlm.nih.gov/hmd/greek/greek_oath.html

Myth or Fact: Is "First Do No Harm" Part of the Hippocratic Oath?

https://www.thoughtco.com/first-do-no-harm-hippocratic-oath-118780

Hair Today. Gone Tomorrow.

My hair loss journey from Stage 3 Classical Hodgkin Lymphoma, a type of cancer that starts in white blood cells.

My hair loss journey from Stage 3 Classical Hodgkin Lymphoma. Diagnosed in November, 2017. Currently 9 months in remission and counting thanks to immunotherapy and AVD chemo. Learn more about my treatment here.

My last chemo was August 9, 2018. I was notified I was officially  in remission on May 1, 2018 prior to completing my full 6 cycles of chemotherapy.

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One of the most difficult parts of the cancer journey is watching your appearance or the appearance of someone you love drastically change before your eyes. Watching my reflection slowly change was one of the most painful parts of my cancer journey, particularly losing my hair, because once my hair began to go, everything became SO REAL.

When clumps of my hair started to fall in the shower, I watched in horror as the amount slowly gathered by the drain. All my life, I have been blessed with thick, beautiful, healthy hair. I never in my life did I ever think I would ever have to worry about losing it… but there it was slowing going right before my eyes. 

Where at one time my hair was so thick, I could snap a rubber band just with the sheer weight of my ponytail, now there was nothing I could do to stop the growing patches of my scalp that were beginning to show.  I tried makeup to cover my growing roots from my last color months before my diagnosis. After all, I was going to lose my hair, what was the point of a touch up now?  My hair was becoming a mess but it was the least of my worries. I knew in my heart holding onto it was a losing battle.

“Mommy, are you gonna lose all your hair?”

As a woman and a mom of three young children, losing my hair was one of the most gut-wrenching things I have had ever tried to explain to my children, particularly my youngest twins who were 3 at the time.

Once you find you or your loved one has cancer your thoughts immediately go to hair loss. Pictures of chemo patients you have seen in movies and on TV float through your mind. I know because it went through mine.

You start to search for all the remedies to counteract hair loss: Castor oil. Cold Caps. Extra biotin supplements. You cling to stories where others went through chemo and were fortunate to go through treatment and not lose all their hair.

I thought preparation of some sort was definitely a necessity. Once my diagnosis was confirmed, I got a couple books for my children to read to help them understand what our life was going to be like and most importantly what mommy was going to maybe look like for the next few months. One of the best books I got for my young twins was “Nowhere Hair” by Sue Glader which offers a  wonderful way to explain hair loss to young children.

As much as I knew I could deal with my changing appearance by wearing hats and wigs, I knew mommy’s changing looks could be scary for my children so I wanted to be compassionate and considerate of their feelings too. I thought it would be best to let nature take its course and not try to do too much to prevent my hair loss. I decided I would shave my head if it became absolutely necessary, but I was hopeful that my thick hair would be able to weather the trauma of treatment.

Before I began treatment I had shoulder length thick wavy hair. Before I began my immunotherapy treatment I decided to cut it as short as possible, while still being able to pull it back into a ponytail.

During my three infusions of Keytruda prior to chemotherapy, I was fortunate not to experience any hair loss. The only hair loss I can attribute before I began chemo was likely an effect from all my scans prior to being diagnosed and then during the staging process. 

The Hair Loss Begins

Most hair loss for patients having the AVD or ABVD chemo regimen like I had for my Stage 3 Classical Hodgkin’s lymphoma significantly increases by the 4th chemo treatment.  I definitely noticed my hair loss picking up at that point. Many other lymphoma cancer survivors report hair loss starts after the second chemo treatment. I’ve also heard of people would did not lose all of their hair even with several cycles of chemotherapy.  Other patients with RCHOP chemotherapy report different patterns of hair loss. Some people just reported extreme thinning. I believe I would classify as extreme thinning because I never ended up shaving my head during treatment. Once it got bad I started wearing wigs and had fun experimenting with different hairstyles.

The worst of my hair loss from stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma. This is the aftermath of 3 cycles of Keytruda immunotherapy plus 6 cycles of AVD chemo. 6 cycles = 12 individual chemo treatments.

A look at some of my different wigs.

Making the Most of My Hair Loss

Through the first part of my chemo, I made the most of my hair loss by wearing slouchy beanies and winter caps because my chemo treatment started in February in Chicago. However by midway through my treatment around May I knew I was going to need to consider starting to wear a wig.

The changing weather made wearing hats uncomfortable. I decided to look into my insurance benefits to see if they reimburse for a wig and surprisingly a wig was a covered benefit.

It’s important that hair loss in chemo takes many forms than just the hair on your head. It means hair anywhere is up for grabs. Leg hair. Eyebrow hair. Nose hair.  Even those pesky other hairs women get. Which meant less shaving for once in my life. Sweet victory!

After having long, thick hair all my life one of the greatest blessings is now how must faster I can get ready. And how much money I can save on hair styling products because now I can share them with my husband.  Always a silver lining.

Going through cancer has taught me time and again that even our most difficult seasons can bring many blessings if we know where to look. Sometimes, when we hardly recognize the face staring back in the mirror, that’s okay. It’s okay when that happens because I believe it means we’re in the midst of transforming into something better.

Losing my hair has helped me gain a new level of self-confidence. Never in my life did I ever think I would proudly rock this short of hair. I thought for sure I’d stay in my wig for months. But, as of right now, I’m also enjoying rocking a lot of hats too.

Hair loss is a journey for everyone, regardless if you are the patient yourself. It’s important to do what you feel is best, when you feel it is best. I learned there is no magic time table. But thankfully, I also learned hair grows back pretty quickly.

 Hair Loss Resources for Cancer Patients

Real-hair wigs can cost thousands of dollars and are often only partially covered by health insurance, but there are ways to get wigs for FREE:

• American Cancer Society: To support cancer patients undergoing chemo, the American Cancer Society offers brand new FREE wigs at wig banks and cancer centers around the country. Click Here and go to the “About Us” tab for resources in your area. Or call 800-227-2345.

• Cuts Against Cancer: This nonprofit organization and foundation is dedicated to creating and donating free Medical Wigs for women and children who cannot afford to purchase a Real Human Hair Medical Prosthesis. For a FREEwig for anybody facing hair loss from any type of cancer living anywhere in the world, Click Here.

• Friends are by Your Side: Celebrity hairstylist Martino Cartier founded this charity to help cancer patients get FREE wigs through a network of hundreds of salons across the US, Canada, Mexico, England and Australia. Click Here to see whether there is a salon in your area.

• Lolly’s Locks works with wig providers across the country to connect cancer patients in need with high-quality wigs. Created in honor of Lolly Toll, who lost her life to cancer in 2012. Lolly understood the relationship between looking good and feeling good, and it was her wish to help those who could not otherwise afford a stylized wig. Click Here

• EBeauty Community Inc.: Provides FREE wigs for cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy treatments. They also have a national wig exchange program through which you can donate wigs you no longer need to others who do. To request a wig or donate one, Click Here

• HairToStay: This nonprofit offers need-based grants to offset the expense of scalp cooling systems for breast cancer patients in the US to minimize hair loss during chemotherapy. To learn more, Click Here

Good to Know

• It takes at least six ponytails to make one wig. If your friends and family have hair to spare and want to help the cause, tell them about the Pantene Beautiful Lengths campaign that collects healthy hair to make FREE wigs available to cancer patients at the American Cancer Society’s wig banks. Donated hair must be a minimum of 8 inches long (measured from just above the elastic band of a ponytail to the ends). Click Here, or call 800-945-7768, for more details and where to donate.

Source:  https://breastcancerfreebies.com/wigs/

Books to help children understand hair loss from chemo:

“Nowhere Hair” by Sue Glader

Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Nowhere-Hair-Explains-Cancer-Chemo/dp/0984359168/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549460550&sr=8-1&keywords=nowhere+hair

“Our Mom is Getting Better” by Alex Silver

Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/Our-Getting-Better-Alex-Silver/dp/0944235859/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549460629&sr=8-1&keywords=Our+mom+is+getting+better

Everybody Dies, but Not Everyone Lives

A little over a year ago, I came face to face with my own mortality. Sure, I’ve looked fear in the eyes before and had seemingly cheated death a couple times. But this time? This was the first time I felt like my life was in serious danger. Cancer, chemotherapy and endless tests and procedures soon became my family’s reality when I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma in November 2017. For the first time in my life, my future became this unpredictable web of uncertainty. Sure the life I had envisioned for my family was still right there in front of me but it was somehow now out of grasp. I silently wondered how many more days I would have with those I love.

How do you pull yourself together, when everything is seemingly falling apart? It’s a question I often wrestle with. The truth is keeping your sh$t together when your world appears like one big dumpster fire is no easy task.

I’ve found it’s often a daily mind game full of terrifying what ifs and impossible choices. But through it all, I’ve come to learn the fact that you still have a choice really IS the true blessing.

Although at times your battle becomes painfully real again the moment you open your eyes, the fact that your eyes are open and there is air in your lungs is a miracle. Celebrate it. The fact you can move your body and feel the embrace of others is a gift. Appreciate it. If you can still hear a beautiful melody or a loved one’s voice. Treasure it.  No matter what your day looks like or how depleted and drained your body feels...YOU are still HERE.

 Nearly losing my life has taught me the beauty each day holds when we stop to savor the little things. Like the crunch of the winter snow under my boots and the way the snow seems to glisten in the moonlight. Or how my daughter’s eye lashes form the perfect half moon shape. And how my children’s laughter can lighten the darkest mood.

Each morning that I get to rise offers another chance to get it right and each night provides a moment to pause and be grateful I had another opportunity to become a better version of myself. Surviving cancer has taught me the importance of living for today…living for more time with those I love. Treasuring the good, bad and ugly today brings because our tomorrows, no matter how bright… are never guaranteed.

All we ever have is NOW.

Are you living or merely surviving?

“If you are depressed, you are living in the past, if you are anxious, you are living in the future, if you are at peace, you are living in the present.” Lao Tzu

Thankful for the Helpers

Exactly a year ago today, on November 22, 2017,  I had my excision biopsy surgery to determine if the swollen lymph node I had recently found was cancer.  

The next day, as we hosted our family for Thanksgiving, I silently wondered how many more of holidays I would get to celebrate.  

As I am blessed to gather around a table to celebrate Thankgiving with all of my family, I recognize that today wouldn't be possible without the doctors, nurses and first responders who have helped me and my family through all of our health struggles.

Today, I want to pause and recognize all the helpers who may be working today or struggling with heavy emotions from the recent losses of their brothers and sisters, especially here in Chicago.

Thank you for answering the call to help and serve. We are so grateful for all that you do.

 I’m grateful for the helpers.

I’m grateful for the helpers who look out for me and for those I’m blessed to call my own.

I’m grateful for the helpers who give so much without expecting anything in return.

I’m grateful for the helpers who work long days, nights and weekends, often spending holidays without their family.

I’m grateful for the helpers that go without and sacrifice so much so that I may have a chance at a better life.

I’m grateful for those that answered the call to serve our communities, and keep showing up day in and day out.

I’m grateful for the helpers that run towards danger and those who risk it all so that no one is left behind.

I’m grateful for the helpers because they are the reason my family is still here. Not only have they saved MY life, they’ve also saved my husband’s and my daughter’s lives too.

To all the helpers: the first responders, police officers, firefighters, doctors, nurses, soldiers and all who bravely and selflessly serve our communities, today and always, THANK YOU!

#lookforthehelpers #thinblueline #savinglives #firstresponders #savinglivestogether #nursesrock

Faith, God and Synchronicity - Part 2

When you’re going through a difficult time you may have been told in some capacity that “everything happens for a reason.” While some may find this comforting, the truth is, many people cannot accept that their pain, their loss or their tragedy happened for a reason.

And that’s okay.

I tend to look at things differently. Actually, I often look at things a million different ways, analyzing and scrutinizing every detail until I eventually come to some sort of conclusion. While this can be exhausting, my over-analytical mind finds solace in examining every detail in hopes it catches something— some clue as to why something happened.

But as much as we need to look within ourselves for the will and resolve to push forward when life knocks us down, we also need to sometimes turn outside ourselves to often find the reason WHY.  I’ve learned that when terrible things happen for no explicable reason, turning to our faith can give us the strength to power through the adversity and pain—it can also lead us to some profound realizations.

As my previous post on this subject detailed, my husband and I routinely see repeating number patterns among other signs from heaven. It’s been a running joke and a bright spot in a rather dark few years. It seems that just when we are desperately in need of answers, heaven answers the call.

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As I detailed in my latest treatment update, I’ve been dealing with some troubling symptoms since the end of October. I’ve been growing more and more fatigued, with pain radiating down both arms, low appetite and a concerning pain on my left side near my rib cage. I had many of these same symptoms before I was diagnosed and I was very alarmed I was possibly relapsing or had some serious complications to my spleen from treatment.

I went back and forth to Northwestern and my oncologist several times this past week for labs and testing. Thankfully all my bloodwork looked good for the most part—just my iron level was very low. The ultrasound of my spleen came back normal but the pain on the left side of my stomach kept growing stronger and more acute.

By Thursday evening I was now unable to eat, feeling breathless and very concerned something could seriously be wrong, despite my oncologist’s opinion that everything was fine because the ultrasound of my spleen was normal. I just knew something was wrong because I’ve never felt pain like this before in my life.

The pain was very alarming and despite having a normal ultrasound, my gut told me I needed to push for more extensive testing, specifically a CT with contrast and an MRI to determine what was going on with me because I knew something just wasn’t right.

Flooded with heavy emotions with the realization that something could be deadly wrong, I prayed as hard as I could to God, as well as my other spirit allies Archangel Michael and my loved ones in heaven (many of whom were medical professionals during their time here on Earth).

Through tears, I asked for their intercession and help in saying the right things medically so that I could be properly diagnosed. I feared I was nearing death after just cheating it. I prayed for my children and my family that we would find answers before it was too late.  

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Later that Friday afternoon, I received word that the soonest my oncologist would be able to see me was Monday.  My symptoms were growing more and more acute. It was now harder to breathe and I was unable to eat solid foods.

I desperately made a call to my primary doctor and pleaded with the nurse who answered to get me in last minute. Thankfully they were able to.  I could finally start to relax.

I hung up the phone and looked at the clock next to my bed. It read 2:22pm.

The first sign.

Note: “Angel number 222 tells you that everything will turn out for the best in the long-term. Do not put your energies into negativity – be aware that all is being working out by spirit for the highest good of all involved…Angel Number 222 is a message of faith and trust from your angels. Remember that nothing happens by chance and everything happens for a reason. Maintain a positive attitude and you will find that everything will have positive results and you will receive abundant blessings in Divine right timing.”

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After seeing me Friday afternoon, my primary doctor agreed my symptoms were troubling and could possibly indicate I had an issue with my spleen/ pancreas or blood clot in my lungs. We immediately went to the ER Friday evening. The ER did an emergency CT scan which thankfully determined I’m still in remission and do not have a blood clot or anything life-threatening that would require emergency surgery.  

Relieved with the news from my CT scan I started to text my parents, when a shiny plaque in my ER room caught my eye. The sign read the names of whom the room was sponsored by. From my position, I could only make out the name MICHAEL.

The second sign.  


Note: This is a picture I took from my ER bed after receiving the news my broad CT scan was clear and I was definitely still in remission. The name Michael has a lot of significance to me as I often pray to Archangel Michael as well as my cousin Michael who is in heaven.

This is a picture of my cousin Dr. Michael Malis.  He was an incredible radiologist and I just felt him there with me holding my hand through all this uncertainty—especially during the excruciating wait for test results. I truly believe this was a sign that my prayers were answered.

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I was admitted to the hospital on 11/17 for ongoing monitoring due to the pain and irregular heart rate. My MRI on 11/18/18 later showed I have two herniated discs in my spine. One is in my upper back behind my rib cage and are compressing on a nerve that’s why I’ve been feeling breathless and having trouble eating because that nerve also impacts my stomach.  

During my stay I also had significant fluctuations in my heart rate so the doctors are now thinking I may potentially have an autonomic disorder called POTS—postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. I have several follow up appointments to confirm. This is a rather new disorder that they unfortunately are still learning how best to treat but a diagnosis of dysautonomia and POTS is somewhat comforting because it confirms a lot of symptoms I’ve been experiencing my entire life.

My diagnosis of POTS could also help my oldest daughter with her own health struggles as she was recently diagnosed with epilepsy. Her anti-seizure medication appears to be making her worse and my gut told me this could be a possible reason why. POTS and dysautonomia have a genetic component. This would explain why the ER doctors who saw my daughter exactly a month early during her ER stay (10/18/18) thought she may have a form of fainting/ syncope  and not epilepsy.  But given her abnormal EEG she was put on anti-seizure medication as a precaution.

The third sign.  

Note the coincidence: Both my daughter and I were admitted to the ER and diagnosed with a potentially life-altering diagnosis-exactly a month apart. My daughter went to the ER and was diagnosed on 10/18/18. I received my diagnosis 11/18/18. Notice the synchronicity of the repeating numbers in the date too.

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On Sunday 11/18, I was beyond relieved when my MRI showed a definite cause of my pain. I texted my dad with the great news. After we all took a huge sigh of relief with the news, he sent me the following text. The following exchange still gives me chills. If this isn’t a “Hello” from heaven, I don’t know what is.

Note: This is a picture of my Grandpa John who was a medic during WWII. Although I was never blessed enough to meet him in this life, I’ve prayed to him many times for help during my journey. I believe this is his way of saying he’s listening and is always with us—no matter how much time as passed. The fact that we finally received some reassuring answers on what would have been his 97th birthday is a wonderful synchronicity.

The fourth sign.

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On Monday 11/19, my dad was able to take me back to Northwestern for a follow-up appointment with my oncologist. We were hoping for answers and for her guidance on next steps now that we finally have some idea as to what could be the source of my ongoing pain and discomfort.

As we circled the parking garage looking for a spot, I did what I always do when I get desperate for parking in Chicago… I pray to the angels for help! Almost instantly, my dad decides it was better to play the odds and we start to exit in the hopes we would find a better spot in the lower levels. I smiled as we circled the corner and I saw we were rounding level number 5.

I yelled “Come on lucky number 5!” (5 has always been my lucky number because I was born 12/5/85.)  I kid you not, it seemed as soon as I uttered those words taillights appeared in a spot conveniently located near the elevator (making it a whole lot easier on me). We then had to smile in disbelief when we checked the time as we got out.

It was 1:11 pm.

As we approached the elevators I laughed and smiled again in disbelief. At quick glance the numbers on the three elevators ahead read 444 and stated we were now over St. Clair Street.

The fifth sign.

Note: I believe repeating number patterns and names are forms of synchronicities that are signs from heaven and often clues to deeper meaning. It is often said the numbers 444 resonate with the vibrations of the Archangels.

“Angel Number 444 asks that you pay attention to your intuition and inner-wisdom as your connection with your angels and the angelic realm is very strong at this time. You are encouraged to continue on your current path as your drive and determination will lead to success and fulfillment.

 Angel Number 444 is a message that the angels and Archangels are with you, encouraging and guiding you. They are offering you positive energies, inner-strength and support to enable you to get the work done that you need to. They know and understand that you have been toiling diligently towards your goals, and encourage you to continue on your current path to achieve the success and results you desire. Use your strong connection with the angelic realm to your benefit and be open to their promptings and messages. Listen to your intuition and follow its guidance.”

My Clair Family Angels

 “Clair” exactly how it is spelled  in the sign over the elevator , was my mother’s maiden name and I’ve been praying a lot to my Grandma and Grandpa Clair as well as my uncle, Dr. Daniel Clair  (pictured here) for help during this difficult time. I named my youngest daughter Vivian “Clair” as a way to keep the memory of the Clair family alive.  I believe this was another powerful sign from my loved ones in heaven assuring me they are indeed always with me, no matter how much time or space separates us.

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While at times it can be hard to accept that everything happens for a reason, I believe if we focus our intentions on where we look, we can see heaven is often sending us signs of reassurance we are never alone in our struggles.

Throughout my journey I’ve been through an incredible amount of pain and uncertainty. But if by sharing my story, I can help just one person have a better sense of peace that they too can make it through their difficult season—it will have all been worth it. If I can help just one person get diagnosed, I may save a life—and it will all have been worth it. 

I believe everything truly does happen for a reason. No matter how far our struggle may seem to drag us off course, with faith we can find solace and eventually meaning.

Like tonight, when I prayed and gave thanks for the recent turn of events and asked for guidance on what to write about next. As I went to pick up my phone next to my alarm clock, I had my answer. It was 11:11 pm.

Note: This REALLY happened. I legit haven’t adjusted the time on my bedside clock. It runs a few minutes fast and I haven’t changed it because for some reason, I see the most significant repeating numbers on this clock.  As I wondered why, my eyes were drawn upwards to the crucifix I had hung over that spot near my bed a year ago when this journey started. I again had my answer from heaven. This time it was just a little clearer so hopefully you could see it too.

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Read Faith, God and Synchronicity Part 1

Read my latest blog on this topic: Synchronicity of Healing: Drawing Straight with Crooked Lines

Sources:

See the meanings of Angel numbers 111, 222, 444.

To My Fellow Warrior Who Was Just Diagnosed with Cancer

To My Fellow Warrior Who Was Just Diagnosed,

3 words can change everything can’t they?

I’ll never forget the soul-crushing anguish that washed over me as soon as I heard the words, “You have cancer.”

I’ll never forget the weight I felt carrying the news of my dreaded diagnosis and having to tell those I love and care about, especially my three young children, just how sick I was.

But I’ll also never forget the bear hug I received from a complete stranger after I broke down in tears at my children’s school explaining I had just been diagnosed with cancer.

I’ll never forget the outpouring of love and support my family and I received after the news that I had cancer spread.

Know that it’s okay to be terrified. It’s okay that your tears won’t stop and the worry won’t leave.  And even though you don’t feel like it now, you are strong and incredibly brave.  You are not alone in this fight. You CAN get through this. And you WILL.  Many times you may wonder how you will go on.  But I’ve learned the HOW isn’t important. It’s ultimately your WILL that matters.

Your willpower is more than staying positive. It’s digging down deep into your primal will to survive. It’s focusing on the WHY you are fighting when you start to feel like WHY should I keep going? It’s focusing on WHO you are fighting for when you feel like you are losing yourself amidst all the pain and uncertainty of this battle.

Cancer has been by far the worst thing that has happened to both me and my family, but in many ways it has also been a blessing. Overcoming cancer has caused me to view every day as an opportunity rather than just an another obstacle I have to get through. It has brought me closer to family and friends and helped me to realize the depth of my own strength.  And it has taught me to see and appreciate my own beauty even when I hardly recognize the face staring back at me in the mirror.

Although the testing, treatments, procedures and waiting for answers seems like it will never end. I promise you it will.  Believe it or not, this crazy, wild ride will one day become a blur in your rearview mirror.  And even though it seems like cancer has taken everything from you—YOU, my warrior, are still here.

Your story isn’t over yet.

Fight on!

The Hopeful Warrior

Finding the Reason in Our Difficult Seasons

A year ago, a seat belt saved my life. But not the way you think…

Flashback to October 2017: I’d been ill for months but had been explaining away my extreme fatigue and other symptoms as typical for a mom juggling 3 kids—2 of them twin toddlers.  As I was driving, I started getting bothered by the feeling of the seat belt hitting my neck. As I slowly felt around, I noticed how swollen my neck was. “Well, I’ve been sick,” I thought. Then I felt a pea-sized mass near my collarbone that I knew should NOT be there. I swallowed hard and told myself I was overreacting. Never did I ever think it could be cancer. But it was.

Soon we learned I had Stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma.  I spent the end of 2017 and most of 2018 in treatment. Miraculously, I went into remission midway through treatment.

I’m continually amazed at how one small act can change the course of your life forever. Had that seat belt not made me uneasy, my outcome most definitely would have been different. Had I not listened to my gut and finally went to the doctor, I may not have made it.

By fate, providence or intuition—I’m still here. Getting diagnosed with cancer last year right before the holidays was certainly devastating, but there was still plenty of good to be found in a terrible situation. I was lucky to be diagnosed exactly when I was. It allowed me to be one of the first patients in a clinical trial for a new immunotherapy drug. I believe that treatment has improved my chances at long-term remission and a cure.

Sometimes it takes everything falling apart for things to finally come together. I do believe everything happens for a reason. But we must choose the reason.  When we enter a difficult season, we must trust that it is happening for a reason—even when we are struggling to find the light in the midst of overwhelming darkness. We must believe we can get through this. Because there are no wrong turns in life; just unexpected paths. In bad times, we must remember that even the most terrible events provide an opportunity. It’s up to us to learn from what happened and grow from it.

When Prayers are Answered

If there is anything this last year has taught me, it’s that prayers ARE answered. It’s simply a matter of time and perspective until we realize we are never alone and our cries for help—whether we utter them out loud or hold them within our hearts, never go unheard or unnoticed.

When I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer last year, I began using this angel calendar as a way to reflect and start my day with positive intention. This Friday morning, after a long day and night at the ER with my daughter, I went to clear away the previous day’s message and was struck by the timing and synchronicity of the message.

“All my prayers are heard and answered in miraculous ways.”

It was as if heaven was reaching out to say, “We’ve heard you. It will be okay.”

After months of uncertainty, my daughter will finally be getting the treatment she needs. As difficult as it is, I've come to accept that we must learn to trust the wait. We must learn to be comfortable living with uncertainty and ambiguity. Because I have learned that while we are waiting for answers, God is working.

I’ve seen him working through the skilled hands of the surgeon that repaired my infant daughter’s tiny heart.

I’ve felt his presence guiding the team of doctors who worked to strategically block off blood flow to my husband’s brain—through a tiny artery in his leg so they could remove the malformation that was close to taking his life.

I’ve witnessed his grace and providence through the tireless efforts of my oncology team that helped me treat and overcome lymphoma last year with immunotherapy—a medical breakthrough for cancer patients around the world, many who were out of hope.

As a mother, as a significant other and as a patient myself—I’ve learned prayers are answered and miracles do happen. I’m living proof and so is my family.

It's Okay Not to Feel Okay

When you’re struggling with a severe illness, injury or loss, people will often tell you to “Stay, strong” or “Be positive.” And while strength and positivity certainly help tremendously in overcoming our struggles, it is perfectly alright to admit you are not okay.

I was reminded of this while have having lunch with my husband the other day. Over bites of our sandwiches, he lovingly looked at me and said, “You know, you don’t always have to be strong.”

Admittedly, those were words I needed to hear.

For most of my life I have been afraid of showing my emotions. For a long time, I also believed that I was incapable of controlling my emotions. I lived in fear of my “dark side” being exposed. I knew all to well the nasty road anxiety, fear, depression and guilt can lead you down.  And I was afraid that if I admitted or recognized my weaknesses they would grow to overwhelm me.

But I’ve come to learn that recognizing your feelings is how you actually learn to control them. By choosing to honor the feeling that you are experiencing—whether it is anxiety, fear, guilt or sadness—and not trying to numb or push the uncomfortable feelings away, you can ultimately learn how to calm and manage your emotions. So, in honor of Mental Health Awareness Week, I’d like to share some tips and strategies that have helped me in hopes they can help you too.

What is an emotion?

First, I feel it’s important to define what exactly an emotion is. An emotion is a vibration you feel in your body which is created by your mind. So, in other words, an emotion is a physical sensation that is caused by your mind. Or more simply: emotions are created by your thoughts.

You have control over your emotions.

Emotions are created in response to your thoughts. And you have quite a bit of control over what thoughts you think. Which means you have some degree of control over your emotions. In fact, even just being aware of your emotions on a conscious level can significantly change the way you experience an emotion. Many times, what we interpret as a physical sensation is actually an emotion. For example, you may interpret the feeling or sensation of hollowness in your stomach as being hungry, even though you’re actually feeling bored but not consciously aware of the emotion.

Resisting feeling an emotion can lead to more problems.

Resisting the emotion is a very common response. We may try to suppress the emotion or distract ourselves from feeling it. The self-help world refers to this as buffering.  Examples of buffering include shopping, drinking alcohol, gambling, eating and even working to avoid feeling the emotion. None of these behaviors are intrinsically bad, but when they are used to avoid experiencing our emotions, the end result is negative.

Consciously experiencing an emotion is something many people struggle with. But being intentionally aware of your emotions allows you to fully enjoy the positive emotions while moving through the negative emotions more quickly. Buffering or avoiding emotions, on the other hand, keeps you from processing those negative emotions (and from being fully aware of positive emotions). This doesn’t make the negative emotions go away—you’re just avoiding them.

Learn to tune into your emotions and honor how you are feeling.

Let’s face it. Emotions can be uncomfortable so learning to intentionally focus on what you are feeling takes some practice. Here are some strategies to help you get in touch with how you’re truly feeling about a situation:

• Try to name the emotion. This will help bring conscious awareness to the emotion.

• Do a thought download. Write down your stream-of-consciousness (i.e. every thought that pops into your head) for 3-5 minutes. This will help you to access the thoughts that aren’t conscious, but that are affecting the way you feel.

• Take some time out to process. Often we try to avoid thinking, because we’re trying to avoid the emotion. Writing in a journal or taking some quiet time to yourself allows you to be mentally present.

Remember, your emotions can’t hurt you.

So often, we are terrified of feeling emotions. We will usually do anything in our power to avoid feeling unpleasant— even if that discomfort will only last a short time. Which is interesting, if you think about it. If you knew you would have to feel terrified for five minutes, but nothing bad would happen to you, you could do that, right? After all, an emotion is just a vibration in your body. It can’t actually hurt you. And just because we are feeling scared or worried now, it’s important to remember this feeling is only temporary.

Through the events in our lives, both good and bad, we ultimately learn who we are and what makes us tick. Life is not about creating happily ever after—it’s about taking it one day at a time and accepting that we will all go through times when we won’t feel happy. And THAT is perfectly okay.

Sources:

Dr. Jennifer Greer

The Audacity to Choose Hope

In my posts I talk a lot about hope. It is undoubtedly my favorite four letter word after love. I believe both those four letter words hold tremendous power.  I believe all great things are possible through them.

 I’ll be the first to admit, I wasn’t always able to find hope. I’ve struggled with severe depression, anxiety—even been so hopeless I’ve wrestled with thoughts of suicide.

For years, it was like I was stuck under disabling clouds of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of the unknown. Upset with where my life was, but afraid of changing it. But then, hope stepped in.

At first it was a quiet voice in the back of my head. I could barely make out what it was saying over the noise of my worst fears.

But little by little…

As I learned to silence my fears and anxiety through meditation and mindfulness, I learned to trust the voice that said, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

And little by little, I started to change.

Little by little…

I started to let go of the belief that I was not good enough. That I would probably fail, so it was better not to try.

Then one day I felt a shift. I could see the sky again, bright with hope and the possibility of change.

By listening to the voice of hope, I started to believe that I could be better. I started to believe that things would get better.

And you know what? They did.

I think it all comes down to faith, hope and belief. You have to have faith in something more than yourself. You have to believe that there is more to life that what you are going through. Believe that these things aren’t happening to you; rather, they are happening for you.

Those struggles. This difficult season. Perhaps this fire wasn’t sent to destroy you, it was meant to forge you into a stronger, more resilient version of yourself. But you have to be brave enough to hold on to the hope that life will be beautiful again.

Because I believe hope is faith in action. When life gives you every reason to question and doubt the reason behind your struggles and if you will be able to overcome, hope swoops in to provide possibilities—even when things seem impossible.

Hope refuses to give up—no matter the magnitude of the obstacle. Hope is stubbornly, unapologetically optimistic against all odds.

Hope is also a choice. It is reaching for the glimmer of goodness when you are drowning in a sea of awfulness.  Because I’ve learned that once you reach for hope, it starts to multiply—spreading and uplifting those around you.

Having the audacity to choose hope when most would fall into fear is incredibly powerful. Because once you choose to focus on the good that could come it instead of agonizing over the what-could-bes, you will start to change the way you think. You will start to recognize and appreciate your own strength. And once you recognize your own strength, you can use the scars from your struggles as signs of hope for others. 

“Hope is not pretending that troubles don’t exist. It is the hope that they won’t last forever. That hurts will be healed and difficulties will be overcome. That we will be led out of the darkness and into the sunshine.”

Post Treatment Update

Now that I can take a deep breath, I feel the need to fill you in on what’s been going on since I finished chemo in early August.

After you finish chemotherapy, you are given a scan to determine the effectiveness of your treatment. This scan determines whether or not further treatment is needed. Depending on the type and severity of the lymphoma some require radiation and then a stem cell transplant.

For many, this is a pivotal scan—often determining whether or not they are in remission.

Fortunately, I have responded very well to my treatment. I was able to take part in a clinical trial at Northwestern where I did 3 months of immunotherapy followed by 6 cycles (12 treatments) of AVD chemotherapy over the course of 9 months. I was nearly in remission after just 3 treatments of immunotherapy and midway through chemo, on May 1st 2018, I learned I was in remission from Stage 3 Hodgkin Lymphoma.

It was an unbelievable feeling. Literally unbelievable because part of me was still in the fight. I had over 3 months of chemo to endure before I could “ring the bell” and declare myself officially done with treatment. I still could not fully grasp that I was in remission.

My PET scan in April showed no evidence of disease, but I still had to finish treatment. Try as might to tell myself the worst was over, I knew in the back of mind I still needed a clear post-treatment scan.

I have been feeling better than I have in years. I have more energy and relatively no side effects from my treatment. But still I knew I had to hold my breath and wait.

Knowing I was already in “remission” from my mid-treatment scan, I was feeling cautiously optimistic. That optimism was soon put to the test when I learned that my post-treatment PET showed a “new” area of concern in my stomach.

“We need to do another scan to determine what this is. It’s very strange. It’s highly unlikely that it’s your lymphoma. It’s more likely that it’s a fatty deposit or inflammation, but since this is new activity we need to investigate. Let’s wait two weeks and do a CT scan of your stomach” my doctor told me.

I swallowed hard and tried to find the bright side. “Well, I’m glad I’m being monitored so closely. I still have several treatment options available if it is lymphoma” I told myself.

But TWO weeks? I may have well been told to come back in TWO years. The wait was agonizing.

“They seemed pretty confident it was nothing, right?” I asked my husband, still stunned as we walked to the waiting room. He reassured me that they thought it was probably nothing, but they had to do their job and investigate.

I did my best to stay busy. I worked as much as possible and tried to plan many activities with family and friends to keep my mind off the wait.

When my mind became cluttered with the what-ifs, I did my best to focus on the things I was grateful for to help pull me out of focusing on the agonizing what-could-be’s.

This helped me realize that these TWO weeks of uncertainty were actually a kind of blessing.

I realized that no matter what my scan said, I was in REMISSION for all I knew right NOW. While that could change in the near future, I did not know that yet, so I could still enjoy being in remission and out of treatment for the first time in months.

But still. My mind kept see-sawing between hope and dread.

It’s only natural.

Then I saw the written report of my PET scan.

“The PET demonstrates a new enlarged 1.8 cm mildly hypermetabolic lymph node in the aortacaval node station which is highly suspicious for recurrent disease. Deauville score 4/5.”

 My heart sank. This seems like my cancer could seriously be back. How could this be? My doctor seemed so confident it was nothing.

But that’s the thing when you’re dealing with cancer. It comes out of nowhere and often strikes without warning.

When you’re dealing with cancer, either your own or in someone you love, it’s like you are perpetually walking on a tightrope of emotions balancing somewhere between hope and fear. You are constantly weighing your options and rehearsing what-if scenarios. You are constantly evaluating what news to keep to yourself and what to tell those you care about. Because sometimes the reality of what you’re facing is just too plain difficult and scary to put into words. 

Because once you’re in the fight—you’re in. There’s no going back.

This is the fight of your life, and just like life—it is unrelenting. There are highs and lows, victories and defeats. But no matter what you are facing, I believe there is always hope—you just need to adjust your focus sometimes.

Yesterday, I had mentally prepared myself to hear the news my cancer was back. The radiologist’s notes gave me every indication to think I had relapsed. I started gearing up for the fight. Thankfully, I can now take a rest from this battle.

It turns out the “new” activity that the PET showed, has actually been there since my initial scan in December of 2017.  The CT showed it is actually not enlarged according to their criteria and it did not change since my prior scan.  What the PET scan was most likely picking up is called a fatty hilum around the lymph node in my stomach. The fact that this fatty deposit is present indicates this is a normal lymph node and not cancerous. It also turns out it’s so tiny that they couldn’t biopsy it if they wanted to.

A complete victory! An answered prayer.

I am thankful I will continue to be monitored closely. I will have another scan in 3 months. Thank you for all your prayers and messages of support. It means so much!

 Post-Treatment PET Results:

Left is scan from December 2017. Right is most recent PET scan.

This is a mid section view of my torso. The white part is my spinal cord. To the left of center you can see the area in yellow that is the reactive lymph node in question.

When You’re in Remission

This afternoon I received the BEST possible news. After weeks of uncertainty regarding my latest scan, I learned I am still in REMISSION!!!!

See when you have cancer, you never really stop having it. Even if your fortunate enough to reach remission, the thought of cancer is always in the back of your mind.

Every ache and pain is magnified as it’s viewed through this lens. Is the cancer back?

Every few months you’re subjected to a battery of tests to find out.  Every few months you wait for the news. You wait and you wait. And just when you think you’re done waiting, you find out you will need to wait a little more.

You find yourself praying more than you ever have in your entire life. You get good at holding your breath. You learn that life does not exist in black and white, but in varying shades of gray. You try not to read between the lines because, in many ways, hope cannot be seen.

I pray you’ll realize that while faith and hope don’t always make sense—they often are paving the way for miracles. Because while you were waiting, God was working.

So please do not lose hope. Believe there are beautiful things waiting for you on the other side of this storm. And remember, sunshine comes to all who feel the rain. 

Holding on to Hope

Today I will receive some answers and I will undoubtedly leave with more questions.

I’m bracing myself. I’m white-knuckle holding onto hope that my cancer is still gone. The realist in me is also whispering the  ‘what ifs’ but I’m doing my best not to listen.

You see, I believe hope is a choice. I believe you cannot be fearful and hopeful at the same time— so I choose hope.

I choose to focus on the glimmer of good in this sea of bad. I am choosing to be grateful because I believe you can’t be both grateful AND fearful at the same time.

So when I’m faced with a thousand reasons to cry, I’m choosing to smile. When life brings me to my knees, I will use it as an opportunity to pause and thank God that there is still breath in my lungs so I can say I love you. I am grateful I still have eyes that allows me to see the love in my husband’s eyes and the opportunity to watch my children grow. I’m thankful for this pain, because it means I am still alive to feel. I’m grateful for my body—bruised, broken and all.

I am beautiful mixture of sunshine and chaos. I’m ready for this storm. I know I’ll be shaped by its fury. I will let it tear down the pieces of my life that no longer serve me. I will be shaped by what’s next but I refuse to be reduced by it. 

The Waiting Game

When you have cancer, you do a lot of waiting. Waiting to see doctors. Waiting for test results.

The waiting. The uncertainty. It’s definitely the hardest part. Hearing you have cancer in your body—or that it is back and you are doing nothing to treat it, is excruciatingly difficult.

Once treatment begins, life assumes a more predictable pattern. You have identified the problem and you are attacking it. But before treatment and afterwards? I think that’s when the struggle is most difficult. You are wrestling with the unknown. You are facing thousands of possibilities.

That’s the thing about facing severe illness or trauma. You’ve met the boogeyman. You know nightmares can become real. “It’s happened before, what’s to stop it from happening again?”, is what I have caught myself thinking. However, I’ve come to learn that THAT thought is all wrong.

The truth is I have no control over whether or not my cancer returns. Sure, I can eat a healthy well-balanced, diet, exercise regularly and try to minimize my stress. All these things can help lower the risk of reoccurrence, but none can completely STOP or prevent it from ever returning.

I’ve come to accept that the idea of control, particularly trying to control a particular outcome is an illusion. My cancer returning is just one possibility out of several. What I can control is where I place my intention and my focus each day.

Try as I might, I can not rush the answers. Time will reveal whether or not I require more treatment.  Right now, I am focused on reveling in the endless possibilities of the unknown. I am learning to be comfortable with ambiguity.  I keep reminding myself that when nothing is certain, ANYTHING is possible. And sometimes, the unexpected things in life are merely making way for the unbelievable to occur.

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